Thursday, February 25, 2010

Betties Advice Day: You Need It? We Have It.

Why hello there, gentle readers, and welcome to another fun filled edition of this week's Betties Advice Blog.  Here's how it works:  you send us a question or a comment to, and we answer them for you on Fridays.  This week we have two offerings for you; feel free to comment as well, as we really do appreciate knowing that people are reading us.  We only live to serve, and we'd love to hear what you think even if we don't agree with you.  Did you know you can also post as anonymous?  Some people have already figured that out of course, but for some others this news opens up a whole new world for them.  Sit back and relax.  Trust me, you'll need to once you finish reading.

Dear Betties,

 I can only trim the front of my hootchie. I'm too pregnant to get down and dirty with the clippers. HALP?

-Hairy Mammoth-

The Muffin is going first this week, I'm usually the Middle responder ....I suppose It's cuz I just stopped by first!

Dear Mammoth,

Are you asking us to Shave you? How Prego are you? What kind of clippers do you have?
What do you have against the "70's Full bush" considering the condition you already find yourself in? I ask these questions cuz I'm nosy....
Honestly, having been Largely Pregnant during my life time I've had two issues similar to yours. My skin was super sensitive to lotions and creams, making landscaping the nether regions almost impossible and a belly that practically made reaching the nether near impossible as well....there are however plenty of Day Spas and Salons that are available to help you! You deserve a little pampering, considering all the pampering you are about to be doing....I say take a day and relax, let the ladies at the spa take care of you!
Congrats on your upcoming parenthood!
~The Mommy Muffin

Twills says:

Dear Hairy Hormonal Hootchie,

One word:  Outsourcing.  You're going to have a baby, so you've got to learn how to delegate responsibilities.  Have the babydaddy do it (after all, it's his fault that you can't reach it) or go to a joint that offers the service.  Even a beauty school.  Just try not to pick the future Beauty School Dropout.  Who wants their hootchie waxed by a fool?  ;)  Good luck.

Dear Hairy Hoochie Coochie Woman;

When I read your letter the first thing I thought was clippers? I had the kind of clippers a vet used on my cat's belly before he fixed her.
The second thing I thought was: how bloody big a bush do you have that you need clippers? Are we talking sheep shearing here?
And finally, I wondered if this was your first child. I'm guessing it is, or else you would not be concerned with a few stray pubes when you have all those fluids and whatnot coming out along with baby, because let's face it, childbirth may be beautiful for Mummy and Daddy, but I've seen a baby born, and it's not an attractive process.
Finally, and here is my advice: if you are that concerned with your crotch Afro, find a professional, I'm sure they have seen the gamut of pubes. Yours can't be that bad, can they?
Good luck with the waxing and the little bitlet you will be squeezing out, shaven or not.

Dear Betties,

I have been practicing light and energy work for some time now mostly for healing purposes. However recently I have discovered I can use a similar technique to induce orgasms in women clients often 10-15 minutes long without even touching them and I am told they are very intense. Now my question is if I were to do this for a profit do you think that would be a legitimate business or just make me some kind of psychic whore?

~Sexual Healer~

Dear Psychic O Maker,

I was tempted to not answer this question, rather I would just concentrate hard on the answer and then have you tell me! Considering though that I don't want you to think I'm mocking you....As I am most definitely not, I will answer this way: I appreciate light and energy healing and enjoy practicing energy healing, Of course on myself via meditation and Chakra alignment....

Now with all of that said, do you consider this gift of yours a gift you should be paying forward, or is this something you have learned to do and you have found as an added bonus/side effect to the process? I mean we are talking the Big O! So many ladies could benefit, so many ladies have never achieved their Highest Sexual Honor and you may have discovered utopia! As for charging...Well, Disney doesn't let you into the Magic Kingdom for free! I have absolutely nothing against you charging for your services/gifts! I am concerned you feel shameful and dirty, ie: by describing yourself as a whore. I believe in Karma, if you feel that you are sending out negative energy by providing this service then negative energy will return. However if you feel you are providing a positive service and sending out positive energy then positive Karma is due you!

I don't know one woman who would not benefit from a release on occasion, one question remains though... Do you find your clients falling in love with you? Orgasms can be quite emotional for many ladies and considering a 10-15 minute orgasm is practically unheard of, and quite likely to cause some ladies to pass old cold, Stalk you, or Never leave! O' Dear, never mind the trouble that could come from one of their significant others....cuz lets face it, one may not be able to compete with your lil trick! The side effects need to be clearly defined via some sort of disclosure before proceeding, also you need to get emergency contact numbers and keep 911 on speed dial! You could find yourself in a wet heap of trouble!

No wait, scratch that.... I have another question....How can I do this at home? Third Question, can I buy into the Franchise?

~Muffin Thinks She Likey!

Dear Sexual Healer,

You'd think that this would be awkward because I know you.  Hell no!  I tell this to people all the time:  No one can think clearly if they're sexually frustrated.  In fact, I believe I even said it last week to one of the questions that were sent it, no?

I think it's a legitimate service, though not necessarily one that you could market.  Or tell the government about...  The ordinary mini-van driving public tend to be very puritanical about this sort of thing.  Fortunately we have the internet, and if any of our readers are interested in this type of service, I'm sure that by contacting The Betties at we can hook a sistah up!  Though we're not going to tell you who he is, if you are interested we can tell him who you are and leave the rest up to him.   No, we don't offer a Betties discount!  Jeez!  Boy's gotta eat!

Dear Sexual Healer;

Your question stumps me a bit. The fact that you have uncovered this hidden yet extremely special hidden skill, could be a blessing, or a nightmare in disguise.
I have no problem with you charging for this service - Massage therapists, acupuncturists....all these holistic healers charge, and I believe you have a healing gift, so why shouldn't you charge as well?
What stumps me is why you aren't already a mini-corporation?
Do you know what a woman would pay for a 15 minute orgasm induced without someone clawing, climbing, and sweating all over them in an attempt to get to the orgasm finish line first?
Big bucks, my friend, big bucks.
I have always said that sexuality and enjoyment are personal and as long as no one is being hurt, or children are not being harmed, then forge headlong through the Kama Sutra, sexual sherpas!
I suggest you use your gift, and drop the idea that you would be being a whore. If this is simply a healing process,with no actual sex involved, you should have no guilt.
Let us know when your studio is set up and we'll pass along your info to our female readers.
Good Luck!

Well gentle readers, this ends another Bettie's advice Friday. We always hope our opinions may be helpful, but remember, they ARE just opinions, take them as you will.

If you have a question for us, send it to by Wednesday evening, and we will do our best to send out our sage advice to you as well - in total confidence of course. Your boss doesn't need to know about your sex life now, do they? So have a great week and the Betties will be back same time next week.


The Betties.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

How To Be Milfy: Gay Math

If you've been following along with Twills' lessons on "How to Be Milfy", you are well on your way to attaining Milf Status, if you haven't already. Of course if you're a Milf, there may come a time in your life when you will be ready to take on a lover. Say it with me: Lov-ah! You're going to want this lover to be some hot young stud, at least for the first one. Then you can branch out and experiment later.

Don't you dare say the word "Cougar" around me. It's derogatory, and Milf is just so.... not... at all...

I know you all need guidance. You're out there lusting after tight young things like Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner. (Really? Ew! Who are you people?) Not me. Heck no! I'm still not over Bruce Springsteen! I do however, have a formula for you which will make Lover Selection easier.

The trick is to not go too young. If you go too young, it's considered morally suspect. You can't just be a 50 year old woman, cruising up to the local high school to scope out guys. That's kind of creepy! Really, would you want to have the dude doing the walk of shame in the morning and run into you son, who's sits behind him in math class? Awkward!

This is where the "Gay Math" comes in. The gays, you see, they've had this shit down for a long time so it's not revolutionary. As usual, the gays are waiting for the hetero world to catch up with them, so that's not new either. What is the matter with people? Get with the program!

What is this "Gay Math Formula", you say?

Take your age. Divide it by 2. You may need a calculator for this if you're verging on geezer status. Heh.

Take that number, and add 7. Seven is the magic number.

For example, I am 30 years old. I am fine with this, so you can all just fuck right off. I'm 30 and I am still young. Young! Divide that by two, you get 15. When you add seven, you get 22. So that's my magic number.

In accordance with the rules of Gay Math, the youngest possible age for my potential lover to be is 22. Otherwise I would be bordering on the immoral. I know that people get off on breaking taboos, but there is time for that later. You have to start out slowly, and this is just a guideline to get you started.

You can see how this formula is perfect, because the number changes as you age. If I were 80, I could go for someone who is 47. Get it? Perfect! This formula is also not only reserved for Milfs. Obviously since we've stolen it from The Gays, it's also appropriate for child-free people, heterosexual men and generally all walks of life as long as you're legal! It even works in reverse, if you subtract seven from your age, then multiply it by two. 46 is my number for how old I can go without it being creepy. Dammit! I'm still missing out on Springsteen.

So you tell me. What is your magic number in Gay Math? Do you have any stories about any time you've violated the rule and have had a negative consequence? Feel free also to disagree with me and call me a horrible person. Do tell all, or if you're shy you can mail them to The Betties at We never reveal our sources. ;) Discuss.

That's all,



Sunday, February 21, 2010

Muffins Yoga Soap Box...Breath Deep and... Exhale

Its my belief that we should each take the time once a week minimally to do one thing for ourselves! If need be at this time I may be so bold as to give you permission... In fact... I am giving you permission to be self indulgent and self centered! It is ok to take a minute for you! This could be an at home or salon manicure, a long soaking bubble bath, a trip to the gym for a drop in spinning class or perhaps, try out the new Hot Yoga studio!
HOT YOGA MAMA Pictures, Images and Photos
The latter of course I choose and it proved to be as much fun as one could have trimming their bikini region with a gas powered weed whacker.....
The point of Yoga is suppose to relax me....stretch my limbs into their own utopia...The deep breathing and calm sounds of water falling, wind chimes chiming, and delicate birds chirping, put me in a state of calm. Yoga can be my Valium* Prozac*Martini cocktail with a fine slice of after~glo, matched only by a great romp with Hunka!
There is a summit of Zen that I reach with a great 90 minute Yoga Session! So now that I have you all cruzin toward the right frame of "Muffin mind"....
I was ecstatic, even euphoric at the prospect of dropping into a Beginners Hot Yoga class at the Birkram Yoga Studio...I was meeting a friend, who is also my chiropractor....which is a very smart move on my part, you know, just in case I unadjusted something while attempting the "flying monkey in oz" pose.
Wizard of OZ flying monkeys Pictures, Images and Photos
PFFT! If only I could have been so lucky! Hot Yoga for the Muffin Record: about as relaxing as getting your left tit slammed into the car door.....

I shouldn't jump ahead to the ending so quickly....part of getting over a trauma is getting it let me start with the start....I race through my day excited as all hell! I'm updating with Jen on Facebook about our "Selfish Moment" date at the Hot Yoga Studio later that evening. I'm thrilled at the prospect, I take a long hot bath in the morning, locate the yoga mat from the closet, Pack the Towel bag and make sure I have plenty of cold water bottles on hand for the class! Its been a year since my last yoga class...I was looking forward to the pain I knew that was coming in the next few days! That pain of over worked muscles! That painful euphoric realization of it "Hurting so Good" when you massage weary muscles! Over stretched ribs, thighs and abs, coupled with the blissful peace that comes from being so in tuned with your body that you can feel your blood flow! Its a love affair for me! One I wish I truly took the time to indulge in on a more regular basis!

Take notice Muffinites! IF YOU THINK GOING TO YOGA and going to HOT YOGA are the same.... YOU ARE WRONG, and in my case ALMOST DEAD WRONG: This effing class should have came with the following warning:

Physicians caution that exercising in heat 2 to 7 degrees above the body's core temperature of 98.6 can be dangerous.

Dr. Nieca Goldberg, chief of women's cardiac care at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York, said that because of the stress that extreme heat places on the heart through the demand for increased circulation, people with medical disorders should not do Bikram yoga.

''If you smoke, are overweight or have high blood pressure, this is not the exercise for you,'' she said.

Some practitioners of Bikram report dizziness, nausea, muscle weakness and cramping. Dehydration is the most probable cause, said Dr. Catherine Compito, an orthopedic surgeon specializing in sports medicine at New York-Presbyterian Hospital.

In extreme cases, losing electrolytes through perspiration can cause cardiac arrhythmia.

''Your body can only tolerate so much fluid loss,'' Dr. Compito said. She added that in high heat, the normal mechanisms for restoring the body's optimal core temperature cannot function. Evaporation cannot cool the skin. Cool air currents cannot move the hot air away from the body.

Picture if you will, the sun has set, its 46 degrees this particular evening and the air is damp...I do live on the ocean....I run from my car, well a fast trot anyway into the yoga lobby and I am hit with a 40 degree increase in temperature and an immediate sinus seizure, partly from the unexpected warmth and partly from the paint fumes of the obviously drying paint on the walls.... My Bransmuffin voice in my Bransmuffin head is saying rather loudly...."How deep can you breathe these toxic fumes before you start to hallucinate? Acid. Pictures, Images and PhotosPerhaps Hot Yoga is a metaphor for tripping balls with strangers!" I giggle inwardly at myself and approach the sign in desk to sign in, pay my drop fees and go get my meditation on before class! I need to be in a good mind set before class, as I need to get past the distraction of the paint fumes and obvious heat...I know, I know, its Hot Yoga! I was expecting heat, but I was not expecting 86 degree heat plus paint fumes!
So Im signing in and this is where I encounter "HER"...."Her" is introduced by "She" ....she is for the point of this story named "Yoga Barbie" barbie Pictures, Images and Photos
and Yoga Barbie smells like 7 year old boy who has run into his mothers kitchen from outside on an August day for a juice box...."She" smiles and says....Welcome to this your first visit with us? I smile and say, "yes it is", SHE says , "So you've NEVERRRRRR DONE HawT YOGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?" (Please read this with a pretween whine in your mind).....I stop, think about what I'm going to say, you know vs. what I want to say and reply, "No. No, I haven't and I'm very excited about it too!" Yoga Barbie turns around and smiles at "HER" aka "Britney Bitch Barbie" and says..."Shes never done Hawt Yoga". SHE doesn't say this in an alarming way but more in a way that says "We got a virgin here and you need to know"...."Britney Bitch Barbie" steps up and sizes me up...P.S. I'm two of her... Size and Age included...and says "Well then, Our Goal for you tonight is to have you STAY IN THE ROOM"...."Leave all your stuff except you water and towel by the benches, we lock the doors during class, so it'll be safe right there! Then, go get adjusted to the room." Yoga Barbie Cocks her head like a puppy who doesn't understand the noise she just heard smiles sweetly and points to her the obvious benches where I'm to leave my stuff.

So I do...Tennis Shoes, yoga bag, Canvas towel bag, all by the benches! I proceed to the Large glass doors in the very dark room where it appears several people are laying and breathing deeply. I open the doors and am hit with a wall of HEAT....OPPRESSIVE HEAT....BLOWING HEAT....HEAT HEAT HEAT ....ITS EFFIN HOT!
105 degrees hot is the temperature setting on the thermostat accompanied by 40% humidity...and I start to panic, you know...just a little! I lay out my mat lay down my towel, take off my very cute jacket, and proceed to lay down and breath through a full balls anxiety attack, that I am having because I know I'm going to pass out from this heat! Listen now...I love heat, I live in Florida....I love Humidity again I live in Florida.....I do not however like 120 degrees...Amazon Rain Forrest heat! Especially when I'm dressed in a heavy cotton T and yoga capris while wearing socks! And for the Love of Jesus H... whose feet am I smelling in here? Realizing now this is gonna take a lot of Zen meditation, I decide to stick it out...I am strong! I am going to do "Hot Yoga" damn it, and I am going to be better for it...Plus, the room is dark I can quite possibly cheat a little if need be...after all, Ive been in this room 2.2 minutes and my bra is soaked through! I'm definitely loosing weight by the second!...Thank God I'm not wearing would equate to a wet dish rag between my legs....Please Buddah~ Alliah~ Birkram... or who ever I should be praying to in this situation, let me get through the next 90 minutes....and Im breathing deeply....Im ignoring the smell of Feet and BBQ Fritos permeating off of whoever is directly behind me....Fritos Pictures, Images and Photos
as their feet are really only about 11 inches from my head so 12 inches from my nose! Breathing... Breathing... Breathing.....There is no music, no birds, no wind chimes.....AND THEN ....PA-POW! The lights come on and its brighter then Walmart at 2AM up in here! I'm now seeing spots of Blue Discs with Yellow halos...cuz who the eff thought the lights were coming on as I lie there gazing upon the oasis spot on the ceiling I had chosen only a moment ago!....Three loud Claps and in skips "Britney Barbie" in her

boy short Victoria Secrets and her string bikini sports bra...Head gear from her last music video turned on and full blast speaking faster and louder then the auctioneer at a Sothebys event where Elvis memorabilia is being placed on the block....GAH! I effing Hate this Bitch!
Then...slowly the focus comes back.... the Blue Blinding Disks with yellow halos fade...Good Lord....these people are practically nakid...and the frito feet essence that permeated from behind me belongs to a new distraction for me!
Ladies and Gents Meet BENDY apparent new release of what ever concentration camp may still exist...he is wearing practically an identical pair of Victoria Secret Boy shorts sans Calvin Cline waist band label and that's it! His man hood is all bulging out and he is basically putting himself through a series of arm swinging back bends and left and right maneuvers...loosening up what ever might be tight...and trust me...I dont think anything on this boy is tight.....Mind you, I say Boy, 'cuz I think he is all of 18 years old and 90 pounds and at 6 feet tall! Although he smells like fritos, I dont think he has eaten anything solid in his entire adult life! Really? Really!
So Britney Bitch~ oh I mean Barbie is now Welcoming the class to the Birkrams Beginners Yoga class (beginner my ass!)....and points out at 20 decibels we have a new person in class (IE: ME!) She shares with them that my goal this evening is to stay in the room! Everyone somewhat gives me a nod and we are ready for the first pose! Well, they are...its known commonly as the "90 degree hinge pose" but in Birkram speak it sounds like sha-she-shasha-she and we are now stretching and reaching with our right arm over our head and left arm pointing in the opposite direction curled under our firm sucked in tummy's and we are bending to our left while imagining an invisible hinge that allows us to reach further and bend farther then we have ever bent or reached before left arm reaching for the west wall and the right are reaching for the east wall (notice there are no comma's, dot dot dots, periods or exclamation points! It all runs together for a reason people.) ...and we are holding and reaching and holding and reaching and ...You get the picture.....this goes on and on with new poses like the shoe-shim-eathim, The Show` Show`Bowel~bow, & The Flying~Monkey~Zebra~Screw....we are 45 minutes into this class before we even begin the floor work....I'm only doing half of any pose because quite frankly Chiropractor or no Chiropractor next to me I don't bend like that! I will never bend like that! Im being blinded by the sweat in my eyes, and the smell of this room 45 minutes into this class is actually causing my lunch to inch up my throat! And.... I do believe at this point, Bendy Boy can felicitate himself! Im really feeling quite nauseated to the idea of it and it wont leave my head! And.... the Heat...its God Awful and the smells...too too much! I know the goal is to "STAY IN THE ROOM" but in the interest of Bendy Boy and everyone else now bent like Origami Swans...I'm gonna Hurl...I Gotts to GO!
And So I do....In a sweeping motion~ I grab and go...

There's some more to this story, Like how Britney Bitch insists I not leave the room as I head for the door, I call back you may think I need to stay but everyone else wants me to leave , I think I may be sick....and then she jumps from her yoga platform and proceeds to follow me to the bathroom and then from outside the bathroom door she calls yoga moves into the room via her headgear Mr Microphone. This is not going over very well with me, and as I leave the bathroom somewhat recovered she is insisting that I return to the room and just lay on my mat. I refuse politely and she quite aggressively, well very firmly... really insists!
WELL "Britney Bitch" ...Meet... "Brandie Bitch" and head on TOO! Take a note KITTEN, This CAT is NOT GOING BACK IN THAT ROOM AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, TWIG GIRL, so step the eff back! My Look Says.." I WILL SNAP YOU IN TWO!" She retreats: and I am HAPPY I'm not dead, and Im not going to commit suicide by going in that room EVER AGAIN! I am equally happy I did not toss my cookies or frankly, loose control of my intestines... which I'm sure at this point ARE about to fall from my body, because they are in so much pain! I think I have come as close as one can to heat stroke without actually having a stroke...My head is killing me and the stomach cramps are insane...Britney Bitch made smart and backed off as previously mentioned, and probably because see feared the "LOOK"! I'm sure she knew I was about to break out all crazy up in there... and It seems for now I can relax, if only just for a moment.....because now as I sit safe on the bench... here comes round two, ie: Yoga Barbie, who now comes to me, after all I've just gone through, and she wants to converse with me about not being embarrassed that I couldn't make through more then half the class....
OMG! IM IN HELL! THIS IS HELL ON EARTH! Please Let me out of here!


Now I gotta go....Im all tense from reliving it! Thanks For Nothing Freud...I thought talking it out was suppose to help!

xox Brans~Muffin xox

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Friday is Advice Day!!

Welcome to Friday, the day where we tell you what you need to do to fix your life, because apparently a lot of you out there can't seem to handle it on your own.

As always, you can send us in your question to by Wednesday evening, and if they are interesting, or they are the kind of questions that let us tell you what to do, we will put hands to keyboard and answer your stuff. We try our best to help you out, but of course, some people are just beyond help.

Just Kidding.

Anyhow, let's see what the first question brings.

Dear Betties;

Why are you all such bitches? Your answers to one of the questions last week made me wonder if you aren't all man hating femanazi lesbians. What gives you the right to be so nasty to someone writing in asking for help? I bet you all tell your wimpy husbands what to do too, don't you?

Disgusted by Bitchy Betties.

Pina says:

Dear disgusting...I mean disgusted. I'm not even going to justify your ridiculous question with an answer, but I will give you some quick advice: This is the Internet. It is free, and everyone who uses it to write or post their art has the right to do in whatever way they feel. Nobody is telling you to read, nor are we even asking you to read. The fact that you bothered to write in tells me that you probably have very little going on in your own life if you are so disturbed by our little blog. If you don't like our advice, I'm sure we can make it along without your readership.
How's that for bitchy? Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Dear Digested,
Why do you write the question anonymously....You called me out the day the original blog posted and I blogged about it the next day....If this isnt Hottie Husband asking the question, then thanks for reading and submitting a question! Im not sure what "femanazi lesbians" are and although allegedly there is some German in my blood line, I claim to be Italian and, whats wrong with being a lesbian? One would think you have much in common with one? This in fact is assuming again that you are my husband or one of his Bromancers submitting the question! Also I must say...despite Pinas submission that we would get along well with out your readership....I like the hot drama you bring to the page! NO PUBLICITY IS BAD PUBLICITY....Bite my Lesbian/Gay Loving Ass! In Hunkas defense, I dont think he would Dis a Lesbian after all they enjoy the same cuisine...assuming again that it is a dis or that being femanazi is not complimentary! So, Im pretty sure he didn't submit this question!

~The Bitchy Muffin!

Twills says:

Dear Disgusted,

If I wanted to be verbally abused, I'd go call my mother. I'm trying to remain zen-like, but you're making it extremely hard for me. All this world needs is a little more love and acceptance. I accept your right to be a nasty bitch, and I'd really love it if you were to accept mine.

Love your friend Twills

Dear Betties;

My husband and I have been married for 11 years now, and at the start of our marriage it was sex sex sex. Morning noon and night.
Now, despite my best efforts to get his attention for a little love, he either says he's too busy with work, or we end up in the bed for a two minute hump, bump and grunt. I've tried everything!! Sexy lingerie, romantic candle lit dinners and...nothing.Last night I made one final suggestion to try to spice our nearly dead love life - I suggested a threesome with another woman. I'm not bisexual, but I love my husband and I'm willing to do just about anything to get us back to the way we were 11 years ago. Am I crazy?


Trying to get my nookie back.

Pina says;

Dear Nookie;

I think you have given your husband a great suggestion to really sink his teeth into.
My only advice is be careful! You never know what could be the end result of this little menage a trois you have suggested. You don't want to pick some young hottie that will really get your husband going, because you do NOT want him to expect the little tart to share your bed all the time. As well, it's best if you have control over the experiment from start to finish because you don't want to end up being a spectator either. It would be great if you wrote back to let us know how your attempt at these daring sexcapades. Good Luck!

Muffin Says....Yup, Nookie... You're Crazy! Good Luck with that!

~Not going to Happen w/ Muffins Hunka!

Twills says:

Dear Nookie,

I assume you've run out of batteries as well, and they've stopped selling them in your town? Also that you no longer have any manual dexterity? Hmmm... That's what I thought. A woman has to learn how to take care of herself first! If your physical needs are being met, it will make meeting your emotional needs easier. Lack of orgasm can make any woman turn into a raging, hormonal psycho. Seriously. Give it a try.

Well there you are folks, another enlightening question and answer session with your favourite answer chicks, The Betties.

Feel free to send us YOUR questions, no later than Wednesday night, in we will keep your identity secret (that is if you use your real name) at

Until then.......have a great week!


The Betties

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

How to Be Milfy: The Hair

It has not escaped my notice, bitches. I see you out there, driving around in your mini-vans with what Michael K from dlisted calls a "Dead Possum" on your heads. Your hair is your "crowning glory" so they say. You've just got to get that shit right. Well heck, I can tell you what ain't right.

Yes, chicas. We are talking about Kate Gosselin Hair. Is the Minivan Majority's favourite mother of eight famous for a lot more than just her uterus? She's actually setting trends now besides inspiring young females to take their birth control? No way!

Laides, do you really want to be caught with the same hairstyle as a woman who chose an Ed Hardy wearing, mid-life crisis having, cradle robbing douchebag as the father of her swarm of children? Especially when the first victim -- her head -- has decided that this hair "style" is no longer for her?

I know you'll say, "But it's all business at the front and party at the back!"

"No", I say, "That was the mullet". Trust me, in 2010, a mullet (or fullet: female mullet) is cooler than Possum Head! By far -- see Kristen Stewart.

I'm not going to advocate on behalf of a certain hairstyle. A gal should try whatever suits her fancy. Just know that there are certain things that will never look good. Let's consider her hair as the number ONE "style" that should never be worn, not even if you happen to get your head caught in a food processor or sucked up the vacuum.

In fact, if you're like me and are prone to getting your hair caught in the vacuum cleaner, perhaps it would be wise to keep a wig or an array of hats on hand. That way if you are inadvertently left with Kate Gosselin hair or something resembling such through no fault of your own, you can cover that mess while you're on the way to the salon to get it taken care of by a professional. Because that hot mess needs professional help. Pronto.

Then again, that must have been where those bitches with the bad hair were off to. They just didn't have any wigs or cute hats on hand at the time. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for all of this. Nobody besides Kate would go around looking like that on purpose.



That's all,


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Bitter Sweet Goodbye to loves of my youth, Hello Hunky Husband!

I have so many new blog ideas I don't really know where to start! I have had a few experiences lately that would make me even consider throwing away the key board and picking up the video camera. So much of my personality during story time (IE this Blog) is lost via the typing of it! I have been complimented for my ability to paint a picture with words, and for that reason alone I will proceed with the "Hot Yoga and Who~Ha sweat blog" via the key board. Enter this You do need the back story to appreciate the front story! For lack of better example...To appreciate the next blog ie: Who~Ha Sweat and Hot Yoga (Not sure which order the title will appear, it could go either way really) I must take you through the journey of how and why I started smoking in the first here in lies the "Back Story"...Im sure I will shed a tear typing it!

I am quickly approaching the 2nd anniversary of my break up with Phillip Morris. It was not an easy break, Phillip and I went way back! He and I were Childhood Sweethearts! I actually took on my first job as news paper girl at age 13 just so I could Buy my beloved Marlboro Lights!

Marlboro lights gave me attitude, they gave me status, and they gave me the courage to approach the boy I would loose my virginity too! Another Breakup that left me scarred for life....Brian Collier: He was so cool standing across the street smoking that Marlboro Red! He was Kinda Tall (Taller then me...I was 5'5") thin, w/ Blonde Hair, Wearing that Levis Jean Jacket with the Hooded Sweatshirt underneath,
he was considered a "Hood" ~ for my Canadian friends I will define that as a Bad Boy. The Title given to him by our Jr High classmates and the home of my new clique. I was in 7th grade he was in 8th Grade.

I saw him my first day of Jr High, standing and cat calling with my now husband Hunka...Before school., It so happened we all arrived a little early to socialize, and Hunka being a Freshman at the High~school several blocks up the road always had something to say as he was passing through. (My introduction to Hunka will come later in this blog....quite creepy how it all worked out!)
So I noticed this Boy "Brian Collier" the boy I would pine after for almost a year, the boy I would put myself in the path of at every opportunity, as he made sassy remarks my way....quite rude remarks if I remember correctly! I knew immediately that I loved him! Or what a 7th grader would consider Love that is. Its a well known fact that when a boy is rude to you its because he likes you....MY SIGNATURE IS SEXY Pictures, Images and PhotosHis Four Eyes/Big Eyes comment had nothing to do with my owning the most Horrendous Coke Bottle Glasses known to exist, because I also owned Long Black Feathered hair, that via my own reflection always appeared frizzy.... but my girlfriends always seemed to compliment its perfection...I thought they were likely just being kind....I never paid a whole lot of attention to the social cues of sarcastic comments until I was much older, So perhaps it was perfect but I didn't think so.... So As girls often do about the age of middle school, I too attempted to fit in, and just about any way one can. After all....the perfect Out Fit, Boyfriend, Tennis Shoes, they defined you! So I quested... I twirled Baton for a local Drum and Baton Corp, not that I was good at it, but I wasn't bad at it, as you will notice in pattern... I did it to fit in! I also tried out for Cheerleader....I didn't make the squad but was told "academically I may be chosen for an alternate if a girl lost her spot and the first alternate didn't keep her grades tidy". That meant nothing to me really...I didn't really want to be a cheerleader...say it with me... I wanted to fit in! I will take a moment here and mention that I appreciated Coach Seymour for telling me that I was ALMOST Cheerleader, I think she felt bad for me...whoever heard of an academic alternate? I didn't have Honor Roll consistently but my grades were not bad....I knew the actual Alternate was a very smart girl, or I assumed she got good grades. You know as nosy as we all are in Jr High we knew who the "dumb kids" were and weren't... I just wanted to Stand out, Stand Up or Simply belong to a group and I suspected Coach Seymour was wise to my plight. Thank you Coach Seymour for taking the time to give me a go gettem' nod! I also tried out for the school play~ I was the Laundry Lady in a Christmas Carol but dropped out before opening night because my Dad and his wife were tools and didn't help me obtain a costume. Actually I didnt drop out... when I failed to appear at dress rehearsal (again, because I didn't have a costume) I was promptly dropped from the play!
I, fearing nothing attempted to try out for the track team, the basketball team, and volleyball my 7th grade year....Other then Track, which I made the team but was short lived...quite frankly I did not want to run, I never made another team....It didn't I said I was only trying to fit in! I never took those failures as failures and I never let the failed attempts get me down! So somewhere between Labor Day and June 1st that school year I picked up "Smoking" across the street from the Junior High with the "Hoods"!

This placed me in the sought after path of Mr Collier, it also made me appear to be some what of a Bad Ass, Got me invites to the parties at the town quarry (aka a forbidden Garden of Eden at my house), and allowed me to finally belong! Never mind that I never even french kissed a boy in the 7th grade...I could French In~hale! Never mind that Although I pinned for Mr Collier, this too was the year that Hunka became a Huge Part of my life! As well as the Entry of the other Bad ass Hoods that hung out across the street! Much love to Brian Warner, Brian Collier, Scott Barton, Mike Black (Bad Mike Black not Good Mike Black) and David AKA Hottie Husband/Hunka...there were a few more that I will leave them nameless but the shout out is in definite order for the named, for numerous life time friendships formed and remain....With the exception of Scott Barton whom has moved and cant be found, we were blessed to keep in touch through the years the clique that formed and made me a little more of who I am today! So where's the Break up story in all of this Muffin? luck would have it Hunka and I met briefly via his trips through the smokers clique on his way to school...and one winter afternoon my father mentioned we were going to go to his coworkers house, for dinner and for the adults to "play cards"....mentioning briefly that his co worker has two Boys one being the same age as me...I immediately became intrigued...After all Im a 7th grade girl and BOY CRAZY! Bring on the Boys! So he packs us up... my Sister Barb and my Sister Andie and I and we head over to this coworkers house. We enter the back door off of their kitchen and who is standing in front of me? You guessed it...HUNKA! He acted so cool, almost like he didn't know me! Who else is there? Hunka's brother Sean....the boy who sits in front of me in Science class...Super Nerd and single handily the reason I became interested in science and computers! So here we all are starring at each other and wondering~what to do? Fast forward several months and many more trips to their house including One camping trip where David and I "sleep" together...In sleeping bags... same tent, small make out session...lips slightly open w/no tongue the wedding singer defines it as "church Kiss" make out sessions

and we are now secretly boyfriend and girlfriend....For the record of first kisses: I do give David credit for my first kiss...Brian Collier was my first French Kiss....I decided long ago that David gets the credit because there for a while he distracted me from Brian Collier...I was all about Hunka! HUNKA WAS THE FIRST BOY I WOULD'VE GONE ALL THE WAY WITH! Before that could happen though I had to break up with Hunka ...You see Hunka and I kept our relationship on the Down Low....the way down low....We didnt want our parents to know we were dating because they often left us alone together for Over~Nights....These Overnights learned me a few things as well! I learned about such things as smoking pot, playing Euchre and Hunkas obsessive compulsion to organize stuff...I learned to appreciate Comic Books, Model Cars, and Dungeons and Dragons....I might add, Now Married to Hunka...WE STILL HAVE THE COMIC BOOKS I READ IN HIS ROOM 27 YEARS AGO, BECAUSE HUNKA DOESNT THROW ANYTHING AWAY!
My problem with being Hunkas Girlfriend was Hunka would not be my boyfriend in public...he would meet me at the community pool, flirt with me but never let on that we were dating. He would walk me home or we would walk back to his house where often my parents were with his parents, but it was assumed we were together because of our family dynamic and we were friends from the Hood Clique so no one ever thought the better of it...I know Brian Warner knew we were BF/GF but I dont honestly think anyone else even knew...Maybe my sister Barbie...but I was her pain in the ass kid sister so I don't think if she did know, she ever let on that she cared...David would kiss me by the tree in his yard, but never show me affection unless we were alone or hidden....Damn it, I wanted a real boyfriend, a Public Display of Affection Boyfriend. CUZ we all know I wanted to fit in! My friend Dawn had a Boyfriend Named Jeff, and he was really cool...His brother Shawn and I hung out together off and on during 6th and 7th grade! Shawn Jones taught me how to inhale cigarettes...Marlboro Menthol....I never puked so hard in all my life...I Cant smoke a menthol cigarette to this day because of it! So Dawn and Jeff are really cool or at least I think so and David and I are breaking off our relationship and Im entering 8th grade....Who do you think is "Cool Jeffs" bestie? Brian Collier! And who is my Bestie? Cool Jeffs girlfriend Dawn....and the match was made! Brandie Cole and Brian Collier...I even carved it in the library this day it remains with the exception of "Collier" being scratched out because Brian was afraid we'd get into trouble for defacing public property...I wasn't scared, I was proud! I was also cool, I smoked and the boy I pinned for was now my Public Boyfriend....I had found my place in the world.....

All this chatter about Boyfriends...The point is that I, during this time, became addicted to cigarettes! Having smoked off and on during the 6th grade and debuting as a smoker during 7th 8th grade it was a done deal, I was addicted!

I quite smoking March 15th 2008 approx 25 years after I started, I miss cigarettes, I loathe Cigarettes, they stink, they smell awesome, they are my Youth, and they aged me....My sister Smokes....I wish she would quit.

We lost Mike Black in an automobile accident on Mine and Hunkas First Anniversary 09/29/08...RIP SPUD and I love you Heidi Black!
We're likely going to bury Brian Collier this year as he lives his final days in Hospice just off of Lake Erie...Riddled with Cancer, and still smoking. Brian Collier, the taker of my innocence and one of the reasons I started smoking.
I wonder if I had to do it all over if I would have changed it? I have to say...Probably not....cuz when you're in 7th grade with something to are invincible!

So stay tuned for the next episode of "Im not smoking anymore so lets cleanses the toxins from the body....via Hot Yoga, and stay tuned for: meet Bendy Boy, and the Barbie Bitch Ive dubbed Psycho Britney wearing Mr Microphone head gear".....Oh its not gonna be pretty! ~Muffin


Saturday, February 13, 2010

Hunka Hunka's Love Aint Burning

Well Hunka has weighed in! Very Rarely will you find a Comment or (Once upon a Myspace) a Kudo from my Husband the Hottie aka David....I could call him a DILF but thats Holly's Husband....Dont want to confuse "Davids I like to F^CK" with "Dads I like to F^ck".....Moving on.....
On Fridays as many of you know we post two questions submitted for our advice, ie: the ladies of the blog....we open the comments up to you the reader, to weigh in! I appreciate all who read and all who read and comment....I especially appreciate all who tell their friends to read and comment and even more those who will submit a question to these can be anonymous we would NEVER out a submission!

Now with all the nice~it~ies in place!
Hunka?! With all the love in my heart I can muster....Kiss my Ass!
Ladies and Readers.... Hunka just said: I, the Wonder Muffin of Muffins, was "the devil" and that I was a "Complete Bitch" to "Thinks Ive Been Cheated On"....REALLY? Am I a Bitch, Hunka? Just cuz you weren't the Husband/Boyfriend/Partner that walked this path, doesn't mean Im wrong in my advise! AND you think my advice was mean? TO WHO? to Thinks they've been cheated on? Puleasssse! Thinks already Thinks they've been cheated on and a girl knows this shit in the core of her guts! She basically wanted permission to spy....and I gave her the green light and the ammunition to shoot from her gun when its time to call the fucker out! OH and He Needs to be Called out!

Hunka You are the perfect man in many ways, but a cheater is a cheater....there is no nice way to package his ass.....unless its in a coffin....JUST SAYIN'!

Also for my beautiful niece's and nephews near and far and You too EJHJ...You are more then welcome to comment these blogs, as long as you know they are not written for your entertainment but rather for mine! Auntie Muffin/Mommy does in deed love you!~

~X~Smooches~X~ The Devil Muffin

Friday, February 12, 2010

Pina's Puffs

Ok folks.

I'm not one to pimp much (good readers and good photographers aside)but this requires as much pimping as humanly possible. It is quite possibly THE greatest invention in the world, and you are all going to be wanting to go and pull out your visa cards to order it.

Watch the video, and see if I'm not right!
(It is safe for work)

Was I right or was I right?

This thing is the shit!

My favourite part is the flipping sticks. Tell me those aren't fancy!!

And...the flavour injector.

The last version of this infomercial featured the flavour injector, but suggested you could use it for hot meat filling...making it...that's right, the Hot Meat Injector.

I guess the CRTC made them change it.

I'm not sure what kind of hot meat filling there is that would go well inside a pancake, or any other ball for that matter, but apparently the makers of this amazing invention would not be dissuaded and put in what is basically an icing decorator and called it something else.


I was blown away by this invention, wishing that I had thought of something so cool and fun. This is right up there with Spray on Hair, the Flowbee and lately..the Sham Wow! and The Snuggie.

These people that invent these things must sleep less than I do, because no one who was conscious and aware would ever invent some of these things, they are just way too weird.

But, obviously there is money to be made here, because Ron Popeil (inventor of both the Flowbee and Spray on Hair) is a millionaire many times over. He has imagination to spare, as well as being a marketing genius. He was one of the first infomercial guys, and it has paid off. It is a family affair now as his latest infomercial features his two daughters as well (acting like they are models on The Price is Right)

Anyhow, back to the Pancake Puff Maker. View the video a couple times and I am sure you will be sold like I was.

(Mine should be here in 6 to 8 weeks!!)

*Please note that I have liberally used my sarcasm font in this blog. All for the part except me ordering my own. THAT shit is the truth!


The Bettie's Advice Page.

Originally uploaded by Pina29

Welcome to the latest installment of the Bettie's Advice Blog in which you send us tales of your woes, questions or comments and we either tell you to fuck off or set you right.  Please mail us at no later than Wednesday evening.  All queries will be kept in the strictest of confidence, unless of course you're hot and you send naked pics.  Then we will track you down and stalk you within an inch of your life!  

Just kidding.

Sort of.

Please have your questions in no later than Wednesday evening (wherever you live in the world is just fine with us. As Muffin likes to say, 'It's five o'clock somewhere.')

Without further adieu, here are the souls that need our attention this week:

Dear Betties,

I think there may be something wrong with me, you know, sexually. I have recently discovered that I have a fetish for wearing woman's clothes, especially lingerie and shoes. I am married, and I haven't told my wife because we were both raised as Jehovah's Witnesses and are very active in the church. If my fellow Witnesses knew...I'm afraid of what might happen. I'm even terrified to tell my wife... What should I do?


The Sinner Wears Prada

Twills says:

Dear SWP,

I am quite frankly more disturbed by your religion than your preference for frilly knickers. In my book, any religion that does not accept a human being for the person they are is not one to be bothered with. The basis of most faiths gives human beings a structural framework by which to live in order to make them a more productive member of society. I know many people of all walks of life, and most of them are good, accepting individuals. Not all of these people are religious, and of those who are, they are not of the same religion.

It takes many different kinds of people to make up this big old world, and that's the way it should be. How boring would we be if we all thought in the same way? Anyone who loves you for who you are rather than what you represent will understand and accept whatever it is that makes you truly happy. Do you love your wife, and are kind to her? Do you have a job? Are you a good father? Do you pay your taxes? Do you volunteer your time or funds to charity? These things are the measure of a man and are part of what makes him a good person. Your God doesn't care what you look like. He thinks you're perfect and loves you for the person you are.

Now let's get down to the underlying issue here. You like to wear woman's clothing, but are you fantasizing about men? Are you sexually attracted to your wife or do you secretly fantasize about having sex with men? Do you wish you had tits and a vagina?

I'd say that you probably don't. Just because you want to dress like a chick in your spare time, it doesn't mean that you want to fuck dudes. But if you do? That's okay too.

I'd say you should come clean to your wife. She might be okay with it. You could trade style tips! Do each others' hair! Go shopping together! For her it would be like having a girlfriend, only you are so much more to her. This is a great opportunity for you to share a facet of your deepest inner self, and it might even make you closer. Go for it, dude.

That's all,



Dear SWP....
Prada? Really? I was so hoping you'd say Apple~Bottom Jeans and Boots With da Fur...
I'm not really sure what Jehovah would have said , but God wouldn't mind! We are all Gods Creatures made into his likeness with kindness and good! Unless you're Republican...then you're just all hell Fire and Brimstone and just mark my Gay loving liberal words...You're gonna burn in damnation for your eternal life cuz You're pretty much Gay! Republican's don't like the gays, you know unless its them and its a misunderstanding in a bathroom stall....But I digress....Look I get it, I know how sexy the perfect pair of Supergirl Boy Shorts make you feel under that power suit! If your wife Loves you....then she will love you wearing her underwear....if she leaves you....then you don't have to fear if the panties you're wearing are her once a month panties or every day draws....Basically you no longer have to share! What size shoe do you wear? I wear a Boy Size 7....Please tell me you have little feet, I'd love to borrow a pair of your strappy Jimmy Choo's!

The Panty Muffin Loves You!

Pina says:

Dear Sinner Wears Prada;

I'm in agreement with our resident Muff, here on this one. Jimmy Choos are the things most women dream of owning, and if your wife has big feet and you have small ones, you could buy her some Jimmy Choo's (even though they are secretly for you.) Just don't resort to hair pulling to settle wardrobe jealousies.
Now, to answer your problem. I don't see a problem, other than your wife not knowing. It sounds to me that you are a consenting adult with a sexual fetish that harms no one, nor threatens anyone's safety. You are entitled to have this fetish AND to act out on it in a place that feels safe and comfortable to you.
It seems to me your real problem is you need to share this with your wife. She will have some kind of reaction be it good or bad, but it will no longer be a gorilla of a secret you are carrying on your back.
As for your church issue, ( and I use the word "church" liberally here as I feel The witnesses are a backward and brainwashing cult.) I don't know quite what to tell you. Your chances of being accepted as a cross-dresser would not go over well from what I know of the religion.I would start with your wife. Baby steps, SWP, baby steps.

Dear Betties,

I'm concerned about my boyfriend. I think he might be cyber-cheating. He's been chatting a lot on Skype and using social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook a lot... and I know that he has girls on there that I don't know and he says he's been friends with them since before he met me. But this is all he does. He doesn't have hobbies and he's stopped watching tv or talking to me. All he does is stay up really late talking to people on the internet. Should I try to break into his email to see what he's doing?

Feels Cheated On

Dear Feels Cheated on....

Muffin doesn't pull punches, I love you all just the same, I have no favorites....the reason you feel cheated on is BECAUSE THE A$$HOLE IS CHEATING ON YOU! YES break into his email, You should have already done this... and while you're at it change his password to "CheatingDick".


Also talk to Miss Hot Pants while signed into his screen name, her reaction to you telling her you want to lick her from head to toe will tell you exactly where their relationship lies! Also schedule a time to meet her and then take him there at the same time ...make a big scene in the bar and then tell him you Toaster'd his Sister....Seriously, he'll freak out way worse thinking you had a relationship with a girl than if you choose to get even with a guy....Oh and its ok if you totally lied on his sister, from this moment on.... his whole family effing hates you anyway!

We will always be here for you girl!

xoxo The Been there Done that... Muffin!

Twills says:

Dear FCO,

Don't go getting all crazy ass.  He might not be physically cheating, but he for sure is cheating on you emotionally, which is in fact worse than him sticking it in someone else.  For some people, having sex is like scratching an itch.  It's the emotional connection he's making with someone else that is the far worse crime.  You don't want to go at him all balls to the wall with fury, it makes you look like an asshole when in fact he is the one who's an asshole.  Just dump his sorry ass!  You don't need that bs in your life, and there are plenty of men in the world for you to have a rattle with until you find one that you can actually stand to be around full time.

My favourite film is Love Actually.  This clip sums up cheaters perfectly:

I couldn't find the entire scene on YouTube, but it's well worth watching the entire film.  He's making a fool out of you, making a fool out of your life.  Don't let him do that to you.  You are worth more, and deserve to be treated with more respect.  If you are not getting what you need out of a relationship, cut your losses quickly and move on.  Every second you spend with the wrong man takes away from your own precious time.  It's better to be alone than to be part of a couple and still be lonely.  Handle yourself with dignity and grace, and be strong enough to leave him.  The Betties have your back.

That's all,



Dear FCO;
Twills is right. You feel cheated on because you ARE being cheated on. I have been through this particular scenario, and it hurts as much if not more than knowing he put his dick in someone else. This was a man I told all my deepest secrets, wishes and worries to. And he was on the computer playing games that I know nothing about, but he played with other people, many of them women. He always said the same thing when I asked him to please stop communicating with these women---we're just friends. Stop being paranoid.
But FCO, I wasn't just being paranoid when I found his Myspace page password (I didn't even know he had one) where I found blogs, emails, saved chats, and a few other the email he wrote that ended "I love you, always."
It wasn't for me.
I wasn't being paranoid, and neither are you.
There are a lot of lonely people in the world, and the internet has brought people together, some even into marriage. But he has a partner - you. If those women were to say the things to my partner in front of me, say in a bar, (not that I believe they'd have the balls to say that shit out loud) it would not be Okay. It is not Okay in an email, or a text message, or him communicating with these hussies whilst you sit alone, or go to bed alone, or just sit feeling lonely, even when the one you love is ten feet away on that damn computer again.
I'm sorry to tell you this, honey, but end it now. Save yourself a lot of pain later on by ending it now and taking a little less pain, because it's not going to change.
Mother always said "Once a cheater, always a cheater." And you know what? She was right. Emotional cheating is cheating. Period.
Good Luck sugar, you have a hard road ahead of you. Be strong. You can do it!


Just so you know, I think he deserves a swift and hard kick to the junk. See how romantic he feels after that.

Well folks, here ends another week of the best free advice you will find on the 'net.
Remember, if you have a question you need an answer to, send it to before Wednesday Midnight p.s.t.
We'll be back next Friday with two more questions and the Bettie's best advice.

Pee Ess We really like comments!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Beware of Trolls

I am not a baby person. Though I've had loads of them, (not quite Duggar styles), I'm not really fond of the creatures. Sure, I love my own babies and the babies of my friends and relatives, but I'm more into them once they actually gain a little personality. When they start to smile and giggle and do cute things.

I have a confession to make: I think most babies are ugly. Not mine, of course. (or, you know... yours, particularly) Nothing ugly could ever be produced by such fine specimens as the DILF and myself. Heh. This is not a popular statement; people just aren't allowed to say that they think babies are ugly. The moms in the horrid jeans would lynch me if they knew I think this way!

I have this acquaintance who shall remain nameless. I met her at work years ago, and she had just come off of maternity leave when we'd met. She loved her little Princess! Mommy's girl! The most beautiful girl in the world! Talked about her constantly, so much so that everyone at work was sick to death of hearing about every single last detail of Princess's life. What Princess plays with, what Princess wears, what Princess eats, how Princess poops.

Yes, people. Poops. We had to hear all about it. Every. Fucking. Day.

Said acquaintance was desperate to have people come over to her house and experience the wonders of the Princess for themselves. I tried to get out of it... I put it off for a good three months. Everyone else at work had met Princess, and I was the last holdout. She became obsessed with having me meet Princess. I could not go anywhere or do anything without my every move being scrutinized and haunted by The Spirit of Princess.

Eventually I thought that the only way I was going to get any peace at work was to go ahead and allow myself to be blessed by the child. So I agreed to a visit. In the name of all that is holy!

When I arrived she had the baby up in her arms, and all I could really see was a bundle of pink frills, like the baby had been hosed down with Pepto Bismol. Then, it turned. it's. head.

And I gasped audibly.

Uh oh!

Little Princess looked as if she was an 80 year old man trapped in the body of an infant.

In the few milliseconds since my gasp, my life flashed before my eyes. Underneath her mommy obsessions, my co-worker was a super nice person and was a good friend. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, because I do know that every mother really does think that their child is the most beautiful child they've ever seen. Thoughts swam through my pea-brain as I thought about jumping out the window and heading for Mexico, and I cursed my other co-workers for not warning me in advance that I would be faced with such a situation.

So I instantly became cheery and exclaimed, "Now THERE'S a BABY!" in a high-pitched sing-song voice.

Oh, sweet relief!!!

Of course the woman thought that I shared her exact viewpoint that there wasn't a finer baby, not one so beautiful since Celine Dion produced that immaculate specimen, Rene-Charles. I could almost hear her singing, "I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love", beating on her chest and doing the signature Celine lunge.

The rest of the visit went quite well, and my spectacular save is one that should be written in the history books! Have any of you ever been confronted with a similar situation? Do you secretly think that newborns are ugly? Discuss.

That's all,


Friday, February 5, 2010

Celebrity Gossip....

Im a Huge Looser~ This you realize when you really get to know me....You know, If your lucky enough to actually Know me ~Know me....You know?

I love Celebrity Gossip! I use to stalk; via the net: Paris, Lindsey and Britney and I do mean daily...No Kidding, Yup thats right, I Surely, Surely did! I actually liked Kim Kardashian before her show....Im probably the reason she got the damn thing! Seriously, I can pick the hits and fads! Im just simply Fabulous that way!
On another note... just in case Tracey the Boy is reading this.... YES I AM 2 on a first name basis with those girls! Honestly, we didnt call Cher, Mrs Bono! Did we? NO! Cuz she was CHER.....Lindsey, Britney and Paris....all one name, just the same!

The National Enquirer is my Bible....I know there are you King James Version, the Later Day Sainters and Koran Version lovers out there...Not so say the Muffin are those versions even remotely close to the version produced by NE!
You know I spoke with a National Enquirer about a breaking news story once~ It appears I was one of several collaborating pays to know people who know things! Although they did not pay me for the story...interestingly enough....they'd really rather not pay for the dish! Im just saying! So you know....the National Enquirer does in fact SOURCE their stories and rarely do they GET IT WRONG!

What brings me to this blog is the potty blog we just did in which Twills mentioned John Mayer in the context in which he may like to indulge in the golden shower....well I have to source that...I cant simply believe it because Twills eluded to it....and Pina basically seconded the notion....Peeing on people thats some pretty intimate stuff.... So I went to my trusting and true source of info....Google!

I think John Mayer may be getting credit for Pee'in on people, so a portion of the story is true however, I think the context in which we are applying it and the way it was written may be two different things...Context clues, cues and comma's sincerely do matter when reporting celebrity news....Honestly, ANY news!

SO here is the story.....John Mayer is a bit of a womanizer ...and its said that he "pisses on every relationship he has" and there in lies the Golden Shower Rumor....

Simple enough to dispel......So when you tell me something and I ask you "Why? What? or How do you know that?" Its the Budding Investigative reporter wannabe in me that simply must KnoW! Now I am available for pics of Mr Mayers....UHHHHH "Lil John" cuz after all~ Im still trying to prove and or disprove a rumor!
Enquirer~ing minds wanna know!

Is it better to be pissed off or pissed on??

Hey there all you hep cats, cool chicks and swingers. Welcome to the first edition of the "Betty's advice blog" - "We can help you. Trust us, you need it"

We will be answering two of your questions every Friday, so don't forget to send them in to by Wednesday night 8pm est if you want our sage and heartily sarcastic advice.

Here are this weeks questions and advice. Enjoy!

Dear Betties;

1) I just found out that a friend of mine is having an affair. Should I confront her about it or just pretend that I haven't found out? Her husband is such a nice guy, and the whole issue is really bothering me. What should I do?



Twills says:

First of all, is this guy hot? If there's any chance that you could snag him for yourself, I'd totally tell him. He'll want to cry on your shoulder and you can support him through the difficult time, thereby leading to you getting into his pants. The loose wench doesn't deserve him! Unless of course she's told you that he's bad in bed, otherwise stay the fuck away from him and let her have her fun. And don't be such a judgmental prude! Gawd!

Brans~Muffin aka Muffin says:

Does she have anything you want other then her man? Can you blackmail her for it? Take Pictures! Basically whats in it for you? Decide that first and then proceed with caution....also consider is she prettier than you? I don't want your opinion I want her friends and your friends opinion...cuz they know the truth...If shes hotter than you then mind your own business....Cuz here's how it plays out....He was thankful to land her Hot Ass in the first place, She's gonna cry and call you a liar (Reason you need pics!) they are gonna have fantastic make up sex and you're out two friends! Enjoy spending alone time!

Pina says:

I'm not sure it's really any of your business, Nosey Nelly. How did you find out he was having an affair? Are you the one doing the nasty hump with him? Probably, since only the guilty seem to write in for advice, or better yet, absolution for their own sins. Give him up, Slutty McSlutterson, I see the game you are playing. Shame on you!

Dear Betties

2) My boyfriend and I are really adventurous in bed, but last night he asked if he could pee on me. I let him do it, but I didn't like it. Is he going to ask me to do that all the time now? How do I get out of it without hurting his feelings?


Terrified of the wet spot

Twills says,

Are you dating John Mayer? Just asking... Anyway, if his mother didn't potty train him properly, you have a whole lot of work ahead of you. Does he still wear nappies to bed so he doesn't wet? I understand you are concerned about his feelings, but fuck, he wants to PISS on you. Is he going to like it if you piss on him? I'd say don't bother yourself one iota about his feelings, what you should do the next time he asks is say that it doesn't turn you on. (You don't have to call him a freak, but I totally would) If he insists, tell him to fuck off. What kind of a relationship do you have if you can't tell your partner to fuck off once in a while? Not a strong one, for sure.

Oh, wait! How adventurous are we talking, here? I want details! If you have time and want to share some tips, mail them please to Let's hope they're salacious.

Muffins Got this one: Don't let him Pee on you in the Bed....Talk about who gets the wet spot if that's gonna happen! (EWE! the lingering effects are just unbearable) Shower Peeing is ok, If he or She has peed 100xs before the actual Pee Action...Cuz if not...ewe the smell!? No Alcohol Pee, No Ocean Spray Cranberry Pee cuz that means they got some kind of UTI and god forbid you should have cut your leg shaving yesterday and they pee bladder infection or Vodka and cranberry juice on ya! Also No Asparagus consumption 72 hours prior to the deed....and for God SAKES DON'T TELL ANYONE Else this mess is going on in the bedroom....You'll be the dinner conversation at every table in the cafeteria...OR....You could just tell em all to "piss off", cuz a Happy Man is a Good Man indeed!

Pina says:

I am not as accepting as my two wise colleagues. Do you know how many urine borne diseases there are? What part of you does he want to pee on? I mean what happens if it gets in your mouth? You could become really ill, and then how would you explain it? What if you are allergic to his pee? You would end up with a pee pox, and you can't explain that away, it's like trying to call a hickey a curling iron burn. No one is that stupid. Brans is right, this is something you should never share with anyone.Ever.
Do you want to be known as a human urinal?

Well there you all go, thanks for stopping by, hopefully our advice to others may help you in your own little, tiny life.

See you next week (Because try to remember this happens EVERY Friday.) We are here to help you weekly.

See you then!

The Betties.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


Here at "One for the Road", the girls and I have decided that our ideas are just too good to keep to ourselves. We want to get the rest of the world involved. Screw philanthropy! We want to give you advice; advice that we feel is worth following.

Therefore, we have decided that in the best interest of mankind, we will be taking submissions from our adoring public. We have deigned to allow you, gentle readers, the privilege of asking Pina, Brans, Twills (That's me!), questions about any type of relationship issue you might be having.

We're kind of like Dear Abby, without all of that emo bullshit.

Now of course we have qualifications, dammit! Brans is married to a big hunk of burning love, I'm a baby machine and I'm pretty sure that Pina is *gasp* not a virgin. (Just don't tell her that I've said that!) Altogether we've been in a wide variety of relationships in the past, and in general we're just really bossy. Who better to help you with your woes than us?

Send any questions, concerns or hell, if your man is a demon in the sack: bragging rights, to: Don't even bother freaking out. All names and/or aliases will be kept in the strictest confidence. Tighter than an octogenarian nun.

We will each answer you in turn, and responses will be posted here on Fridays. (Unless of course one of us comes down with VD again)

So get down to it, people. Don't be shy! Keep those relationship queries filtering in.

That's all,


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Maintaining a Degree of Fuckability: Manscaping

This one is for the men. Are you hairy? Do you shave your face, and have a difficult time deciding where to stop once you get closer to the neck? Do you have fuzzy butt cheeks? Do you resemble a plushie? Some women like the chest hair. Especially women who were teenagers in the eighties. *sidenote: Someone please explain this attraction to me?* I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Burt Reynolds. Mmmm.... Burt Reynolds....


What about *ahem* down below? Can you see the tree for the forest?

Now everyone knows I'm a shallow bitch; I make no attempts to hide that. I know everyone has their individual preferences, but I have yet to meet a woman who prefers to date men who have excessively hairy crotches. Trim that shit up, boys! No woman wants to choke out on pubes, or get them stuck in her teeth. Part of "Maintaining a Degree of Fuckability" for men is to keep the body hair in check.

If you don't want to go through the pain of waxing your back, butt and chest, etc., at least take some scissors to the pubes! Ain't no shame or blame in maintaining a short bush, especially if you're expecting women to wax off the whole shebang.

The reason why pubic hair even exists on a human is because it retains scent, thereby attracting sexual partners to us while in the wild. If being up in the club is the wildest it gets for you, there's really no reason to have any pubic hair at all, especially in this day and age where cleanliness and germophobia are so important. (No, not only to me!) There is a very fine line between scent and stank, in my opinion.

I have spoken with some men who say that sexual partners they've had have thought it was weird that they trim their pubes. I, however, would appreciate the effort and the maintenance. Some men would say, "But trimming is gay!" To this I would say, "It's 2010! Is calling someone 'gay' really an insult?" Anyhow, I guarantee that most gays already know this shit anyway, having to deal with it from both sides of the equation, and it's just the heteros who are so behind the times.

Come on, heteros! Step up! Shave it. Wax it. Trim it. Nair it! Hell, scratch that. Don't Nair it. It burns. Burning is not a sensation we would ever want in the nether regions, even if it's not accompanied by VD or UTIs.

Now. Discuss. Ladies: Do you agree? Men: What say you? How does your garden grow?

That's all,


Monday, February 1, 2010

I have some very strange phobias. I try not to tell people about them because I usually get laughed at.

But since this is a new blog, I can let out the secrets before the crowds get here.

I am afraid of Nuns. Good thing I'm not Catholic.

I know silly, haha.


I am terrified of earwigs. Go Google and see if you think it's funny to be afeared of a bug that crawls into your ear to live. That's right, tough guy, right in your ear, which opens into your brain at some point.

Now this one I can see perhaps a little tiny bit why you might find this one funny- I am palm sweating, heart racing, stomach flip flopping afraid of mascots.

Go ahead I'll give you a second to laugh.

OK, finished yet, asshats? I don't know why I'm afraid of them, but I think it might have something to do with a trip to Disneyland, a picture with Goofy whilst his big freaky gloved hand strayed down towards my right tit. There is a picture of me being felt up by Goofy. Sixteen Candles, anyone?

So fine, it's a ridiculous phobia. And you all got to have a good laugh at my expense. But you have to admit that people who dress up in costumes like that for a job are weird. The San Diego Chicken horrifies me. Anything with a big head *shudders* or fluffy bodies or gloved over-sized gloved hands.

So imagine my utter terror and the massive anxiety attack I had when I learned about a group of people who dress up in animal costumes for sexual purposes. *gulp*

They are called Plushophilies or "Plushies" or in some cases "Furries."

The wiki entry says "Pornography and sexual activity involving animal anthropomorphism (including plushophilia and paraphilias involving fursuits and cartoon animals) is known in the furry fandom community as "yiff" (and sexual acts as "yiffing"). Enthusiasts of furry-themed sexuality may also be referred to as "furverts".

These people don't dress up in their jobs, or sitting at home watching "Dexter". No. These people have special parties, and conventions, and sex parties.

This is how they gratify themselves ......sexually.

One has a web page. "FoxWolfie Galen's Plushie Page"

I couldn't bring myself to read it.

They have their own words for sex. Yiffing. Sounds appropriate to me, because that's the sound my cat makes whilst yakking up a hairball.

I have heard the word "skrtching" to mean foreplay.

Far be it from me to judge. and there are some way worse fetishes out there that hurt people or God forbid children, but I don't want to know much more about the practice, because I have a really hard time imagining that this is sexually stimulating. I find it creepy as hell.

Did you look at the pictures?