Thursday, February 25, 2010

Betties Advice Day: You Need It? We Have It.

Why hello there, gentle readers, and welcome to another fun filled edition of this week's Betties Advice Blog.  Here's how it works:  you send us a question or a comment to, and we answer them for you on Fridays.  This week we have two offerings for you; feel free to comment as well, as we really do appreciate knowing that people are reading us.  We only live to serve, and we'd love to hear what you think even if we don't agree with you.  Did you know you can also post as anonymous?  Some people have already figured that out of course, but for some others this news opens up a whole new world for them.  Sit back and relax.  Trust me, you'll need to once you finish reading.

Dear Betties,

 I can only trim the front of my hootchie. I'm too pregnant to get down and dirty with the clippers. HALP?

-Hairy Mammoth-

The Muffin is going first this week, I'm usually the Middle responder ....I suppose It's cuz I just stopped by first!

Dear Mammoth,

Are you asking us to Shave you? How Prego are you? What kind of clippers do you have?
What do you have against the "70's Full bush" considering the condition you already find yourself in? I ask these questions cuz I'm nosy....
Honestly, having been Largely Pregnant during my life time I've had two issues similar to yours. My skin was super sensitive to lotions and creams, making landscaping the nether regions almost impossible and a belly that practically made reaching the nether near impossible as well....there are however plenty of Day Spas and Salons that are available to help you! You deserve a little pampering, considering all the pampering you are about to be doing....I say take a day and relax, let the ladies at the spa take care of you!
Congrats on your upcoming parenthood!
~The Mommy Muffin

Twills says:

Dear Hairy Hormonal Hootchie,

One word:  Outsourcing.  You're going to have a baby, so you've got to learn how to delegate responsibilities.  Have the babydaddy do it (after all, it's his fault that you can't reach it) or go to a joint that offers the service.  Even a beauty school.  Just try not to pick the future Beauty School Dropout.  Who wants their hootchie waxed by a fool?  ;)  Good luck.

Dear Hairy Hoochie Coochie Woman;

When I read your letter the first thing I thought was clippers? I had the kind of clippers a vet used on my cat's belly before he fixed her.
The second thing I thought was: how bloody big a bush do you have that you need clippers? Are we talking sheep shearing here?
And finally, I wondered if this was your first child. I'm guessing it is, or else you would not be concerned with a few stray pubes when you have all those fluids and whatnot coming out along with baby, because let's face it, childbirth may be beautiful for Mummy and Daddy, but I've seen a baby born, and it's not an attractive process.
Finally, and here is my advice: if you are that concerned with your crotch Afro, find a professional, I'm sure they have seen the gamut of pubes. Yours can't be that bad, can they?
Good luck with the waxing and the little bitlet you will be squeezing out, shaven or not.

Dear Betties,

I have been practicing light and energy work for some time now mostly for healing purposes. However recently I have discovered I can use a similar technique to induce orgasms in women clients often 10-15 minutes long without even touching them and I am told they are very intense. Now my question is if I were to do this for a profit do you think that would be a legitimate business or just make me some kind of psychic whore?

~Sexual Healer~

Dear Psychic O Maker,

I was tempted to not answer this question, rather I would just concentrate hard on the answer and then have you tell me! Considering though that I don't want you to think I'm mocking you....As I am most definitely not, I will answer this way: I appreciate light and energy healing and enjoy practicing energy healing, Of course on myself via meditation and Chakra alignment....

Now with all of that said, do you consider this gift of yours a gift you should be paying forward, or is this something you have learned to do and you have found as an added bonus/side effect to the process? I mean we are talking the Big O! So many ladies could benefit, so many ladies have never achieved their Highest Sexual Honor and you may have discovered utopia! As for charging...Well, Disney doesn't let you into the Magic Kingdom for free! I have absolutely nothing against you charging for your services/gifts! I am concerned you feel shameful and dirty, ie: by describing yourself as a whore. I believe in Karma, if you feel that you are sending out negative energy by providing this service then negative energy will return. However if you feel you are providing a positive service and sending out positive energy then positive Karma is due you!

I don't know one woman who would not benefit from a release on occasion, one question remains though... Do you find your clients falling in love with you? Orgasms can be quite emotional for many ladies and considering a 10-15 minute orgasm is practically unheard of, and quite likely to cause some ladies to pass old cold, Stalk you, or Never leave! O' Dear, never mind the trouble that could come from one of their significant others....cuz lets face it, one may not be able to compete with your lil trick! The side effects need to be clearly defined via some sort of disclosure before proceeding, also you need to get emergency contact numbers and keep 911 on speed dial! You could find yourself in a wet heap of trouble!

No wait, scratch that.... I have another question....How can I do this at home? Third Question, can I buy into the Franchise?

~Muffin Thinks She Likey!

Dear Sexual Healer,

You'd think that this would be awkward because I know you.  Hell no!  I tell this to people all the time:  No one can think clearly if they're sexually frustrated.  In fact, I believe I even said it last week to one of the questions that were sent it, no?

I think it's a legitimate service, though not necessarily one that you could market.  Or tell the government about...  The ordinary mini-van driving public tend to be very puritanical about this sort of thing.  Fortunately we have the internet, and if any of our readers are interested in this type of service, I'm sure that by contacting The Betties at we can hook a sistah up!  Though we're not going to tell you who he is, if you are interested we can tell him who you are and leave the rest up to him.   No, we don't offer a Betties discount!  Jeez!  Boy's gotta eat!

Dear Sexual Healer;

Your question stumps me a bit. The fact that you have uncovered this hidden yet extremely special hidden skill, could be a blessing, or a nightmare in disguise.
I have no problem with you charging for this service - Massage therapists, acupuncturists....all these holistic healers charge, and I believe you have a healing gift, so why shouldn't you charge as well?
What stumps me is why you aren't already a mini-corporation?
Do you know what a woman would pay for a 15 minute orgasm induced without someone clawing, climbing, and sweating all over them in an attempt to get to the orgasm finish line first?
Big bucks, my friend, big bucks.
I have always said that sexuality and enjoyment are personal and as long as no one is being hurt, or children are not being harmed, then forge headlong through the Kama Sutra, sexual sherpas!
I suggest you use your gift, and drop the idea that you would be being a whore. If this is simply a healing process,with no actual sex involved, you should have no guilt.
Let us know when your studio is set up and we'll pass along your info to our female readers.
Good Luck!

Well gentle readers, this ends another Bettie's advice Friday. We always hope our opinions may be helpful, but remember, they ARE just opinions, take them as you will.

If you have a question for us, send it to by Wednesday evening, and we will do our best to send out our sage advice to you as well - in total confidence of course. Your boss doesn't need to know about your sex life now, do they? So have a great week and the Betties will be back same time next week.


The Betties.


  1. "We only live to serve". As it should be. :)

    I'm still trying to get over being jealous of the guiding light guy. Talk about a useful talent...

  2. Ha! Just for the pre-natal record, I like it short. And I DO feel very 70's-ish right now. Should I spray myself with patchouli oil, too? Clippers keep me from slicing something off. I am notoriously uncoordinated.

  3. T: I don't know if he'd be willing to teach, but if he shows up and wants to comment, he may be able to clarify.

    LFP: I've been thinking of having it lasered off, to tell you the truth. What a freaking chore! ;)

  4. If i Could Bust an O on a treadmill Id soooo be in the best shape of my life...and who would ever need clippers?

  5. "Well, Disney doesn't let you into the Magic Kingdom for free!"

    Muffs, this was Mr. O's favourite part!

  6. I do make a good point on occasion!

  7. I, of course, a newcomer to this blog, but the author does not agree


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