Wednesday, February 17, 2010

How to Be Milfy: The Hair

It has not escaped my notice, bitches. I see you out there, driving around in your mini-vans with what Michael K from dlisted calls a "Dead Possum" on your heads. Your hair is your "crowning glory" so they say. You've just got to get that shit right. Well heck, I can tell you what ain't right.

Yes, chicas. We are talking about Kate Gosselin Hair. Is the Minivan Majority's favourite mother of eight famous for a lot more than just her uterus? She's actually setting trends now besides inspiring young females to take their birth control? No way!

Laides, do you really want to be caught with the same hairstyle as a woman who chose an Ed Hardy wearing, mid-life crisis having, cradle robbing douchebag as the father of her swarm of children? Especially when the first victim -- her head -- has decided that this hair "style" is no longer for her?

I know you'll say, "But it's all business at the front and party at the back!"

"No", I say, "That was the mullet". Trust me, in 2010, a mullet (or fullet: female mullet) is cooler than Possum Head! By far -- see Kristen Stewart.

I'm not going to advocate on behalf of a certain hairstyle. A gal should try whatever suits her fancy. Just know that there are certain things that will never look good. Let's consider her hair as the number ONE "style" that should never be worn, not even if you happen to get your head caught in a food processor or sucked up the vacuum.

In fact, if you're like me and are prone to getting your hair caught in the vacuum cleaner, perhaps it would be wise to keep a wig or an array of hats on hand. That way if you are inadvertently left with Kate Gosselin hair or something resembling such through no fault of your own, you can cover that mess while you're on the way to the salon to get it taken care of by a professional. Because that hot mess needs professional help. Pronto.

Then again, that must have been where those bitches with the bad hair were off to. They just didn't have any wigs or cute hats on hand at the time. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for all of this. Nobody besides Kate would go around looking like that on purpose.



That's all,



  1. I'm not sure what is worse. Kate Gosselin's hair, or all those mid-western towns who got themselves a Sarah Palin 'do, mostly because Sarah Palin scares the shit out of me. Have you looked at her eyes? She has craaaazy eyes.
    Either way,I could let both styles never see the light of day again.

  2. Sara Palin? I have Sarah Palin Hair....But it was Muffin Hair first! Long enough for the Updo and a good tug in the sack But Not So long Im mistaken for Crystal Gail from behind....Its Sarah's Effin Glasses that Kill me! Gahhhhhhhh! Kates Hair has always looked like the kids cut it to me!

  3. I hate Kate's hair...always have, always will. Anyone who likes it needs some serious HELP in probably more areas that just their "do". Gags*

  4. Wait she got extension .....Whats it look like now?

  5. Google it! Or pick up a copy of People Magazine.


  6. Long as she tends to the garden of delight, I'm not real particular about what gets done on top. Even those shaved head girls are kinda sexy...

  7. I'm pretty sure she'd poke your eye out with that hair if you tried to get up on her.


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