Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Why People Suck

Introducing a new feature here on "One For the Road":  Why People Suck.  We hope to keep this going on Wednesdays from now on.  We're going to tell you why people suck, then in the comments section we want you, readers, to tell us why people suck.

This week's entry is brought to you by none other than Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, pictured here, photo from Posh24.

Don't tell me that you don't think she's badass.  Cuteness overload!

The reason why people suck, is that if you google any bottom-feeding tabloid rag, you'll see headlines like "Angelina Trying to Turn Shiloh Gay", or "Brad walks on on Angelina For Forcing Shiloh to Dress Like a Boy", or my favourite, "Brad Takes Shiloh and Moves in With Jennifer Anniston:  Says a Friend, 'She was trying to make her become a lesbian!' ".

I don't need to tell you why these people suck, but here are a few.

1)  There is nothing wrong with being gay.

2)  It's not possible to turn people into a gay.

3)  The child looks cute.  She is making her own fashion decisions, and thankfully has parents who have the means and the willingness to support her.

4)  I only wish I could accessorize that well!

5)  My cousin's baby daddy used to be obsessed with wearing skirts when he was that age and grew up to be a manwhore, so there!  Children play with gender roles all the time, and it's normal for them to do so.

6)  The way an individual dresses has nothing to do with sexual orientation, unless perhaps it's like this:

There are a few reasons, though I could go on.  But you tell me, readers.  Why do people suck?  And how?  Discuss.

That's all,



Monday, March 29, 2010

Betties Are Beautiful

Good morning, bitches.  It's Monday.  I know! It came around again. 

But this Monday is better than others!  This is because Renee from "Dangling on the Edge of (In)Sanity", has awarded The Betties with the "Beautiful Blogger" award.  See?  It's here:

Thank you, Renee!  Please visit her blog and leave a comment or ten.  Without further adieu, for today's Anonymous Monday, tell us how beautiful you think The Betties are.  ;)


That's all,



Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Betties' Q & A Day!

Welcome, readers.  You really have been doing quite well on your homework assignments, friends.  The Betties have received so many questions to lately, that Twills has had to take a short break from pwning n00bs, Muffin hasn't been spending enough time at the beach and her tan is fading, and Pina hasn't been down to the docks all week.  Keep them coming, it's for our own good.  Now on to the action:

Dear Betties,

I am finding myself recently separated and seeking a divorce. Although there is a very good reason for the parting of ways, a deal breaker so to speak, I find that I am grateful it is "all his fault".  I'm actually happy that our relationship has failed! I'm excited that its over after 23 years and have no sadness about not being married. I know I shouldn't be excited, right? I don't want anyone especially the dead weight I just dumped to think I want my marriage to work, quite the opposite.  I just think I shouldn't be so relieved that it's over and after so long! Am I crazy?


Freedom Fighter

Twills says,

Dear Freedom Fighter,

You're not crazy.  You've been with the same man for so many years, it's time to bust loose.  Live a little.  Go skydiving.  Pierce your nipples.  Go out to bars and bed incredibly young men.  Though pay strict attention to Gay Math when you're first starting out; you wouldn't want to go too wild right at the beginning and burn out to early.  New found freedom is a precious thing.  Start out slowly and savour it.

Dear Freedom,
You're not Crazy! Now thats not to say you wont ever become crazy! When I went from Husband one to single I was really OK....for about 5 months, then things started happening, Life got hard, lonely, He Got a girlfriend....Then I got crazy... Like anything in life there is a cycle to endings and beginnings, Stay Milfy, dont ever do Hot Yoga, and you will get through the next phase just fine! Good Luck and Keep on Keeping on Sista!
~Muffins Hunka was a Freedom Fighter!

Dear Betties,

I am a Lesbian, I only say that because I feel it's important to the post. I would prefer you not talk to me about dicks and such. My "wife" wants sex more frequently than I, and there are issues with my feeling special enough to become intimate. This is completely my problem, I've seen shrinks and Ive been told in past relationships that it's exhausting and that I'm high maintenance. I don't want to be alone and old and a cat lady. (No offense to The Bettie with cats) Is it really just me? Don't other people have the same issue? I don't think I was ever abused as a child.  Other than thinking I was weird as a teenager for not liking "the cutest" boy in school, I was pretty normal. I dated a few guys in high school, I never went any further then 1st base. I've also never had intercourse with a guy. I just wasn't aroused unless I was really stoned or drinking to even do much more than kissing. I would prefer to be intimate with my wife sober, I think she might not like me drunk or smoking pot just to have sex. What to Do?

Frigid in the South Pole

Twills says,

Dear South Pole,

Take it from me, I live with a sex fiend.  The Dilf would is all up on my business all hours of the day and night to the point where our kids are always yelling out, "Don't go in the kitchen!  Mom and Dad are totally making out!"  *Huzzah!*  I sometimes prefer sleep; it's true!  I'm not a machine, people!  My uterus is at rest!  I feel your pain, believe me, I do.   Have you ever been checked out by a physician in regards to your hormones, etc?  A low sex drive is completely normal, and reversible.  It has nothing to do with whether you prefer the poon or the peen.   I know these things, because as I always say, I'm about 48% gay.

However, I wonder if you're feeling enough of an emotional connection?  We women are complex creatures, as you well know.   It doesn't take much for us to get turned off, though you're lucky that you probably don't have to put up with things like farting, b.o. or gnarly toenails.  I hope?   

Dear Frigid,
What makes you feel special? Is it a long hot bubble bath complete body massage and then some lovin? (Hint Hint Hint Hunka!) I would not ever advocate drunken or stoner sex, but if a glass of wine helps take the edge off of your tense~ness, well...until you can make that doctors appointment for Valium, Viagra, or Vitamin Shots....consider this, If your ex's think you are too high maintenance to stick with, and you have already said its You and Not Your Wife....Next step is Fixing it or its Cats ville for you baby!! Cuz although Bettie with the Cats has Cats she also has Dock workers and Sailors that find her worthwhile! I know that the more "uptight" you become the less easy it will be for you to relax! Good Luck!
~Muffin likes scented Bubbles!

Well Pina took the week off again, new fleet at the Docks or some shizzzzzz, I hear one of her Cats are about to drop a until next week...Chin up, shoulders back, and chest out!

Kisses From The Bettie's

Monday, March 22, 2010

Anonymous Monday, Bitches!

Today is the day when we ask you to make comments on our blog as "anonymous".  Some of you comply, most of you just post under your own names and don't bother.  So, today's theme is, "Bitch, why you so nasty?"


That's all,



Friday, March 19, 2010

Betties Q & A Day!

Hello there, readers, and welcome to another fun-filled edition of the Betties' Advice Blog.  I'm not much into foreplay, so let us just jump right into the thick of things here with our first question:

Dear Betties,

What's up with the "pornstache" that is popping up on the upper lip of the men in my neighborhood?  Is this something new Brad Pitt is sporting?  Do tell!  Is it the latest trend in facial hair for men?


Hating the Facial Pubes

Muffin Says:

Dear Hating,
Hate is such a strong word....I think the Facial Hair you dub as the Porn Stache is a multi purpose tool that we can put to good use! Its a great exfoliating tool...It becomes a Flavor Savor, and If you are Colonial Sanders or Magnum PI its a trade mark!

The Muffin has yet to be witness to this new phenomenon in male fashion, Perhaps Daytona is not quite hip to the times! I will make a point to photo upload these to my FB page as I encounter them though!
Still Love the Goatee ~Muffin

Twills Says:

Anyone who sports a pornstache is likely either a) stuck in the seventies; or b) a hipster.  If this person is a hipster and has a pornstache, it is likely that the only reason why is because that dude thinks he's way cooler than you.  Than anyone.  He seems to think that he's rocking it with irony, and that's he's just so special that no one else will "get" what he's trying to do.  In reality we all know that he just looks like a total douchebag.

There is another instance where it might be acceptable.  Personal story here:  When I first met the DILF, oh it was magic.  Until I saw his driver's license photo!  OMG!  He was rocking the pornstache! This was in the year 2000, not when it had suddenly come back into vogue.  The story was, he had shaved off his winter beard and had gone in to town with that on his face as a joke.  He was renewing his driver's license that day because it was his birthday, but didn't realise that he'd need a picture taken.  He told the woman at the office that he didn't really look like that, but she didn't care.  (She's well known for being a crusty bitch in our area)  She snapped the photo anyway, and for the next five years he had to have a flaming red pornstache on his License.  So if you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, it might be just a one time thing and you've happened to spot them?

(I still think it's because they think that they're cooler than you)




Question Two!  Almost there!

Dear Betties,
My cousin has been trying to fix me up on a blind date with a friend of hers. I was interested at first because he has a good job and we are into the same kinds of things. But then last week, right before we were about to finalize some plans, she told me that he is renown for having huge balls. Now I'm really grossed out and don't want to meet him, but she thinks I'm being too picky. What do you think?


Small Baller

Dear SB
Well that depends...Would you prefer a man with a set of ping pongs? I am not sure, what if the size of his Balls correlated with the size of his wallet... you would still complain? Listen I think its important to all kinds of things that your man as well as you have a set (figuratively speaking for you anyway unless you actually do have a set, then I think its important that you both determine who's are bigger! Someone must be the decision maker!) and as far as I am concerned Bigger anything is always better!(yes, this includes everything!)
Now if he is picking them up to sit down, I might be a little concerned but not enough to not go to dinner! Perhaps you should dig deep, find your own, and order dessert first!

Do let us know how it goes!

~Muffins got the biggest Balls of them all!

Twills Says:

Dear Baller,

Run!  If giant balls freak you out and you don't think you can get over it, don't date him.  If they're giant and freakish now, what do you think they'll look like when they're old and wrinkled?  There are plenty of fish in the sea, and if you are looking for Mr. Right, and Mr. Right has average sized balls, then you would be wasting your time with Mr. Giant Balls.  And seriously, how the fuck does SHE know that he has huge balls, huh?  Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it might be the tuna.

Investigate this please,



Where's Pina, you say?  She's still not recovered from a botched boob job she got last week.  Just don't tell her that she looks like Tara Reid, please.  She's sensitive and she'd like to stay that way.

Until next week, 

Your Betties

XOXO, for inquiries or for a good time. ;)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Meet Your Betties: Twills Edition

I first met The Muffin on MySpace, many moons ago.  I was either knocked up for the third time, or delirious with lack of sleep because the baby had not slept through the night in... well, how old is he now?  Nearly three? Well yes, then three years.  He hasn't slept through the night in three years.  That explains why I'm kind of loopy then, no?

I seem to recall her having something to do with winning a goat.  I still to this day have no recollection of her ever having taken delivery of the beast, but if she did I think she'd dance naked in a forest and sacrifice it, since she's a witch.  A real one!  *cue ominous sounding music*

The first blog that I read of hers was because our mutual friend Louminator, (who I met through Deb, who was my first and best MySpace friend) had pimped a blog that she'd written.  What was this blog about?  Well, she'd been married at that time for about a month or two, and decided that it was a good time to start sharing her wisdom with others on how to have a successful marriage.  I knew then that she was my kind of broad, and we've had each other's back ever since.

When Muffin is not busy buying and selling the state of Florida as if it's some giant Monopoly board, she's a famous radio personality on the AM dial.  In her spare time she enjoys doing hot yoga, texting people constantly on her CrackBerry, and soaking up her husband Hunka's burning love.

Pina and I had a few of the same MySpace friends, but we didn't friend each other there until I had actually stopped writing in that venue.  Too many creeps up in there, but I'd decided that Pina wasn't one of them.  We agreed long ago that we wouldn't talk about whose blogs we'd seen each other on because it was too much like gossip, but if you want to read our favourite one, click here.

Pina is a west coast Canadian girl, and has a west coast accent.  You already know that she has tons of cats, but what you didn't know is that her cats are hookers.  They get knocked up more than I do, and Pina encourages this behaviour so she can raise a cat army which only responds to her command.  Look out, West Coast.  Pina's Pussies are vicious.  

It doesn't help that while she has a tough exterior, she is soft on the inside (look DEEP, people) and the neighbourhood cats prey on this.  They all congregate near Pina's place and meow at each other about how she'll take in even the scrawniest, most feral cat and treat it like a princess.  There is no end to the lavish attention she gives them, so they know that any pregnant pussy can camp out at Pina's until such a time as she's ready to drop her litter and start hustin' for more tail again.  Sluts!

When Pina is not busy breeding a mutant cat army, you can find her... well, online of course.  That's because she is the only person who is online more than me, and who also sleeps less than me.  Somehow we've developed a Psychic Betty Connection which enables us to say the exact same thing at the exact same time, which is actually quite creepy at times with us stomping all over one another's brain.

As for the fourth Betty, who knows?  Maybe she doesn't exist.  Maybe she's a guest Betty.  Maybe the fourth Betty is you, our audience.  Because don't we all have a little bit of a Betty inside of us?  Think of the options:  Betties White, Page, Boop, Rubble (The original Milf), Grable, Ford, Crocker, (and Veronica: but I have to admit, I'm a Veronica in this one), Draper, Suarez, Rizzo, Ross, Davis, and Atomic Betty.  So many great role models to choose from, one can not help but want to explore their inner Betty.

That's all,



Monday, March 15, 2010

Anonymous Monday

Here's how this works.  You leave us a comment as "Anonymous".   You can say anything you want:  You have webbed feet.  You're attracted to transvestites.  You are secretly in love with one of The Betties.  No one will ever know it's you.

Party in the comments!


Friday, March 12, 2010

Betties Q & A Day!

Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.  Though not too gentle, please, because you know The Betties like it rough.  *rawr*  Welcome to another fantasmic edition of The Betties Advice Blog.  What we need our adoring public to do, is send us your questions to:  Then we will answer them right here on Fridays if we deem them worthy of our attention.

This week we have an offering from someone who doesn't necessarily have relationship trouble, just someone who wants to know what we think about something.  Which is great because us Betties are known for speaking our minds.

Dear Betties,

I want to know why you think heterosexual men are attracted to transexual or transgendered individuals, who are now female.



Twills Says:

Dear TransWonderful,

I think what we need to do first, is to define our terms.  Wikipedia helped me plagiarize this:

Transvestite:  Transvestism (also called transvestitism) is the practice of cross-dressing, which is wearing the clothing of the opposite sex.

Transgendered:  Transgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as woman, man, neither or both) not matching one's "assigned sex" (identification by others as male or female based on physical/genetic sex). "Transgender" does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual; some may consider conventional sexual orientation labels inadequate or inapplicable to them. The precise definition for transgender remains in flux, but includes:
"Of, relating to, or designating a person whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender roles, but combines or moves between these."[1]
"People who were assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves."[2]
"Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the sex (and assumed gender) one was assigned at birth."[3]

So, now that we've cleared that up, I think that straight dudes could possibly be attracted to hot trannies because once you've become enough of a man-whore, you need to branch out.  If one were to keep an open mind about such things, one could reach epic realms of sluttiness!  Think of the possibilities!  Not only would you broaden your fuckability to include chicks, but dudes who look like chicks/have recently become chicks/people with no clear gender at all!   There is actually a proper term to describe this phenomena:

Pansexuality is a sexual orientation, characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex.  The word pansexual is derived from the Greek prefix pan-, meaning "all". It is intended to negate the idea of two genders (as expressed by bi-).

There you have it.  It takes all kinds.   Lesson of the day:  Broaden your mind and your loins will follow.

That's all, 



What is this?  The other two Betties are absent?  That's because Pina is too busy down at the wharves, trying to get sailors to barter their chewing gum and nylons for her services.  Where is the Muffin, you say?  She went back to Hot Yoga, and now she can't get her foot down from behind her head.  While Hunka is excited, it makes it difficult for her to function in every day life.

With that, let us leave you with a song.  Until next week, bitches and trannylicious alike.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Meet Your Bettie's...A Muffin Perspective

Let Muffin Introduce you to the Bettie's:
In the Beginning there were Two and it squared and now there are Four:

To Start: A Pina and a Twills ...No they are the not ships that brought the pilgrims to the new world you assholes...They are the "Betties" ~ "One for the Road" ~ "Blog Whores"~ with reputations to match. Who's pen-man-ships are delivered with humor and smack, not sweaty, diseased stowaways, seeking a better life in the land of fruit and plenty! They're frickin Canadian for Christ sake! You think they wanna stow away and loose their health care?

Pina~ a spinster drunk, who lets her cat get stoned on the nip, has nothing better to do then smoke like a chimney all day...all the while pondering why she cant tell her mom her periods late! Shes not Pregnant...
You have to have sex to get pregnant...I dont know if shes ever had sex...Listen she'll tell you the womb is barren, she told me the first time we spoke...Hey you whiner, have a teenager hang out for a few days, you'll not find that such a bad thing....Stop Braggin! I'm thinking that the reason she has never given birth is she cant come to terms with discussing her menstrual cycles, and in order to intentionally become pregnant you do need to discuss the cause and effect of your period! Plus, you cant get pregnant "Mary" if you don't screw! (Im projecting a little, sorry Christian readers and we can debate this later, Im not sure Mary didn't hook up with God outside the feed store and get it on!)
Pina, put down the "Rabbit", find you a man, and get you some already!

Twills~ A "MILFY" Canadian House wife- Thats the title she gave herself...Listen up buttercup, to be "milfy": other people give you the title...You egotistical wench!
So you look like a throw back of a 1920's swinger pin up girl with great hair, and your kids are absolutely adorable, funny, and precocious....You got lucky! Oh...and your husband has great genes...and as you have pointed out and on more then one occasion he has great JEANS! I bet if you didn't put out on the first date you wouldn't have gotten pregnant, and the "Milfy House Wife" of your DILF would look all together differently then you do now! A trapped man will always succumb to his surroundings! Jealous Much?

Our Third: Char- Who are you? Do you even exist? I heard a rumor you live in the Sunshine too Bitch, we should do lunch or some shizzzzzz!

and the Fourth-Me!... Muffin!...Bransfun!...Bransalicious!... Yours Truly!...The Unofficial Mayor of Yoville.... I'm simply Fabulous as you all already know and I'm Wicked with my keyboard!

XO Muffin says~ Bring it Betties!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Twills: Anonymous, Bitches!

It's time, people.  It's time for you to start commenting.  Now I know that we are narcissistic enough to just keep on blogging without caring what the fuck you people think of us.  However, our egos are taking a slight dent (I said slight, don't get all crazy assed) because we keep writing, and you people don't say anything about it!  Well, most of you.  We do have our loyal victims... I mean... commenters that make our day a hell of a lot brighter; and thank you for that. 

We're only here for you, gentle readers!  Even the people who write in with advice don't even comment to tell us if they like the advice or not.  Rude!  After all the trouble we go through to bring the snark and the lolz to you people, you'd think you could as least comment once in a while with a "Heh" or a "Kudos" or even a "Who the fuck do you bitches think you are?" sort of deal.  I would even be happy with a little annoying smiley!  ;)

I've been inspired lately by this:  LINK!  This chick holds an Anonymous Monday on her blog, and we need one here.  We're going to give you a chance, one chance to redeem yourselves for your silence.  Comment on this blog as anonymous.  For those trolls and lurkers who don't know, click on "Comments" below.  Then you use your keyboard to type characters into the big white box.  See that box?  You can't miss it.  Then you use your mouse to click on that little arrow-thingy that points down.  You see that?  Okay.  So click on that, then there's a bunch of mumbo-jumbo down there.  Click on "Anonymous".  It's at the bottom!  Then use your mouse again to click on the button that says, "Post Comment".  Trust me, it will work.  For real.  You have just made your first comment!  Aren't you computer savvy!

We quite often will comment back to you, or someone else will.  Then you can check back later, or if you're me, completely fucking stalk the eff out of the blog until someone does write something that you can respond to.  It will open a dialogue, thus making The Betties' blogging experience more fulfilling, and thereby making yours more fulfilling in turn.  A happy blogger is a comment-heavy blogger.

Today's theme:

What can The Betties do to improve the blog, to make it more enticing for you, the reader?

Discuss.  (And when I say 'Discuss', I fucking mean 'DISCUSS, DAMMIT!' in the comment section).

That's all, 



Friday, March 5, 2010

Is it Getting Better?

SO I find myself at a crossroads of sorts...I'm forty, there is just a few months left before I say I'm forty one and then only 12 additional months until I'm 42...Time is flying by...I have just experienced my first significant death as an adult, of a Peer (I love you Brian, R.I.P.) He was 41, and now I really wonder... is this as good as it gets? Will I ever truly realize my dream of living outside of the continental US? Will I start reading the Obits on a daily basis?

Should I begin to compile my Bucket List?

Will the World End 12/12/12?

Having had, my Grandmother, my Aunt and my friend, all given the news of a terminal illness...and a knowledge of their time for passing being so near, I am amazed at the grace with which they each faced it. As strong as I think I am, I begin to wonder... am I really all that strong? Would I ride a Bull if I thought I only had a limited time left? My Aunt Wrote letters, My Grandmother Spent time with each of her Grandchildren individually, and Im not sure what Brian did for his Family or Children individually, but for his friends he did give and make special time. And when your time is limited as each of theirs was, you realize there is no more precious of a gift then the time that they shared! See... even now with all that looming in my head, and as depressing as it all seems, I find myself wanting to crack a joke! I want to shake my fist at fate and say "Fuck You!" I firmly believe that I am who I choose to be, I am the keeper of my dreams and the do-er of my desires....I will run off with Hunka into seclusion one day! Time has no meaning because I am still young! Ok... So My Tits don't listen...There are Dr's for that! I'm NOT Someones Grandma and I don't feel bad that I'm not so concerned with being someones Grandma someday either...Several of my Friends are Grandparents, Frankly to consider my self a Granny? Well that seems almost ludicrous to me. My carpet don't match the drapes people! The Drapery is gray with out dye...the carpet ain't, well whats left of it anyway! I hear downstairs turns gray too...You know in Granny Type Folks that is.

Neither David nor I care to much if we never become Grandparents! AND Not because we wanna keep the Carpet a luxurious Ebony Hue ... Really! I just don't see myself any different then I did at 25. (It took everything I had to not type 17....I really wanted to type 17 People!) That's not to say that if our Married child or unmarried children decide to spawn seeds, Demon or otherwise, that we wont feel anything for their off spring. I'm sure my entire prospective will change when that happens, I'm just saying, that if it never happens, Id be ok with it!
I have a 15 year old to get out of the house and then I do believe I'm checking the Fuck out! Luggage and Hunka In tow... Im off to some unknown Island where Earthquakes of an 8pt magnitude hit or Tsunami's are a true fear!
Just send me pictures of the Grand-kids....They'll still have a Grand-Dad on the Mainland....After all he'll still be raising his last child...Shes only 7 Months!

Funny how a death makes you realize you want to live!

So I wish you all LIFE! Lots and Lots of Life!

Thats all....

Oh yeah heres a song...Sing along if ya want too!

Ha Ha... I just taught Hunka how to do Gay Math

Thursday, March 4, 2010

It's the Betties Friday Advice Day!

Hello gentle readers, it's Friday, which means it's Betties Advice Day. You all know how it works by now, you send in your questions to before Wednesday night, and we will pick out two each week that we think we can give helpful advice to. Let's see what our mail bag has for us this week.

Dear Betties;

I have a male friend who seems to want to move our friendship in another direction - the bedroom. I am not interested in him in that way and have told him so. To make it more uncomfortable, he is constantly in my space trying to hug me or pat me on the shoulder or brush my hair off my face. I am NOT a huggy-kissy person, and if this continues, I don't even know if the friendship can exist or if it even is worth saving. I have told him bluntly and honestly. What else can I do?


Too Much Attention.

Pina says:

Dear TMA,

If you have been as honest as you can about how you feel about your friend, it seems like there is very little left for you to do or say. Really, the only advice I have is perhaps you may want to make a pro-con list regarding this friend, and if you decide to stay friends, have one more very blunt conversation about the fact he makes you uncomfortable being in your space. If he doesn't respect your wishes, then perhaps it is time for you both to move on. Sorry that's the best I've got.

Twills says,

Dear Space Saver,

Ew.  If he doesn't want to back that shit up, tell him to fuck off.  There is nothing worse than a close-talker.  FYI, Octo-Man:  If you can smell her breath, she can smell yours!  

If you've already told him clearly and concisely, there isn't much else you can do if he won't get the hint.  If he persists, consider a restraining order.  He's giving me the creeps and I don't even know him.  Gah!

Don't touch me,


Dear TMA,

I'm sorry your friend doesn't understand clear communication! Perhaps you have a wingman that can step in and or up to the plate and advise him that his unwanted advances will no longer be tolerated? Or sadly perhaps, it is time to close the door on that relationship? I do think it is wise to address the fact that with the friend gone from your life the attention and the advances no longer there you may find your ego missing the friend! Every girl likes to know they are attractive to someone!

The Muffin thinks you're adorable!

Dear Betties;

My husband and I like to watch porn together, sometimes to get ideas to spice up our love life. Lately, he has been bringing a lot of anal porn home. Now we have had anal sex a few times, and although I wasn't a huge fan, I did enjoy the fact that my husband seemed to really get off on it. I didn't really understand the huge attraction, so the other day, I took a small mirror and went into the bathroom to see what all the hubbub was about. I just about screamed out loud!! It was NOTHING like I saw in the porn we watched, and it is extremely unattractive. I have no idea why my husband is so attracted to such an area. I don't mind the act of anal sex, but with the way my no no hole looks, I am not interested in letting my husband see it at all. Help me, please!


Away from the No No Hole.

Pina says;

Dear No No Hole;

If you are willing to continue with your husband's new fetish, then there are some things you can do to tidy up and pretty up that spot. First, I suggest a Brazilian wax. Next, there are products on the market that you can use at home to get rid of any staining or discolor. You don't think porn stars are born with sparkling clean anuses, do you? There is work involved. If you are not comfortable with doing a home job, seek out a professional cosmetician or esthetician that knows what she is doing. Keep up with the landscaping on a regular basis, and you and hubby can go back to exploring and expanding your sex life. Good Luck!

Twills says:

Dear Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Hole,

Turn off the fucking lights for eff's sake if you're so self-conscious.  I'm pretty sure he's seen Uranus before if he's already been using his telescope, get my drift?  I bet you ask him if you look fat in your clothes before you go out, don't you?  Then you get sulky if he says yes?

He's a man.  He'd let the dog service him if he thought he'd get away with it.  Fuck.  The End!

That's all,



Dear NNH, 

What Hot Yoga Move did you get into to see the Poop Shoot? So now that you've seen the the Hershey Highway Up Close and Reversed (Objects in the mirror are closer then they appear and are now right to left or written backwards...) in comparison to before... what changed your mind other then its Ugly Betty(Notice the spelling ladies) Appearance? 'Cuz, unless you are busting out the Hot Yoga Move ( ...and I highly advise against that shizzzz especially in the middle of the required Anal Breathing Exercise....After all one would think having something poking around Colonville requires at least on impact some concentration and deep slow breathing....From What Ive Seen in Movies....) You aren't Seeing anything other then whats in front of you? Consider that his attraction isn't the the look of the Chocolate Star Fish but rather the Size of its shell! I also say good for you for keeping it adventurous!

The Not That Limber Muffin!

So concludes another fun-filled edition of Betties Day.  You have woes, we have answers; we'd be willing to part with them for free.   Let's meet back here again next week, same place, same time.  Shall we?

Oh We aren't done Twills~~~~~~

******What a Bettie must put Up With******
A snippet from: a behind the scenes look... a Glare actually... of the Pissy Betties that I love so dear! And a Few weeks ago I was called a Biotch...Listen readers....We all are victims of the Cathouse! Twills ~I love you! Thanks for your worry of me ~The Found Muffin!
Peee Essss....Don't you dare delete the behind the scenes ....that's censorship and in America we don't stand for it!

If you did notice that we're missing our Muffin this week (No your Not), it's because she's come down with a raging case of The Clap (applause light is in fact lighted!) and can't sit down long enough to type at her desk.  Oh, it burns! (Can Sit...did Sit....There is a slight itch though....)  Send Muff's muff some positive vibes, please.  Along with some antibiotics.

(Save the Antibiotics for Twill's next rage with the Flu....Its Bike Week In Daytona Babies and The Muffins Been Working the Corner! Oh Wait....maybe you should send the meds!...Muffin missed her conference call But....I must work when the customer seeks a Muffin!)

Images used because they're quite badass, from Natalie Dee.

Well, better late than never I always say.  Tune in next week for another fun filled edition of Betties Day.  ~Twills~ ~Pina~ ~Muffin~

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Twills' Pills

So it's confession time here at One For the Road, and boy do I have a confession to make. Something so dark and sinister that... Oh hell. It's really no big deal, and you're going to think I'm a pussy when I tell you what it is anyway:

I have a pathological fear of getting sick with a seasonal cold or flu. Not just because things like this happen. The thought of bronchitis alone can send me into a panic attack! It's not just the fevers, the aching, the snot and the phlegm. It's the antibiotics.

Yes, people. I'm scared of pills. It's part of the reason why I had three kids before I turned 27! I can't swallow them, for one thing. I am psychologically incapable of swallowing medication. My brain just makes my throat close up tighter than a tween at a chastity convention. Not just the physical act of swallowing tablets or capsules, but the very words "tablets" and "capsules" just gross me out anyway. Period.

If the actual (gag) antibiotic (gag) pill (gag) is not enough to make you want to run screaming from the room, think of the side effects. Itchy skin. Black, hairy tongue. Yeast infections. EWWWW!!!!!!!! Why, why in the name of Buddha would anyone want to take a medicine that makes you need to take more medicine that you have to shove up your hoochie? Especially when you're already ill and miserable to begin with?!

Though you all know that in my life everything is about me, so when it's all about me it has to be worse than it could ever be for you. Because not only do I have a fear of being sick, and a fear of taking medicine... I'm allergic to certain kinds of medicine. So that when I get something like Bronchitis, I don't just get to take the ordinary antibiotics that most people get to take. Hells no.

I get to come out of that pharmacy with a big old box that says, "Canada's Leading Treatment for Chlamydia". Not only do I have to take the medicine for the clap, it has to say it all over the box because there is no generic version that I can take. And! I live in a town where the population is less than 2000, and there is only one drugstore. A drugstore where people that I know and see all the time are working.

When I get sick, I am traveling. When I go to pick up my clap meds, I'm out driving to the next town, or hell even into the city so that I can pick them up and still remain slightly anonymous. The amount of fossil fuels I burn are nothing compared to the unbelievable feeling of treating my Chlamydia away from the prying eyes of my fellow townsfolk.

Yes, I know I don't actually have Chlamydia! But what if I did? They'd be talking about it for years! I still haven't lived down the time I went to pick up the kids from school in a mini-dress with electric blue tights, or that time my two year old yelled out, "Hello you old lady!" to one of the women collecting for the Salvation Army at Christmas time... There were those few incidences at the pub where there was whiskey and dancing on tables involved. Or the time that I told the Jehovah's Witness octogenarian to fuck off...

Add The Clap into that mix and dammit, I'd have to move! I'm just not ready to come out of the Chlamydia Closet yet. How about you? Discuss.

That's all,