Its my belief that we should each take the time once a week minimally to do one thing for ourselves! If need be at this time I may be so bold as to give you permission... In fact... I am giving you permission to be self indulgent and self centered! It is ok to take a minute for you! This could be an at home or salon manicure, a long soaking bubble bath, a trip to the gym for a drop in spinning class or perhaps, try out the new Hot Yoga studio!
The latter of course I choose and it proved to be as much fun as one could have trimming their bikini region with a gas powered weed whacker.....
The point of Yoga is suppose to relax me....stretch my limbs into their own utopia...The deep breathing and calm sounds of water falling, wind chimes chiming, and delicate birds chirping, put me in a state of calm. Yoga can be my Valium* Prozac*Martini cocktail with a fine slice of after~glo, matched only by a great romp with Hunka!
There is a summit of Zen that I reach with a great 90 minute Yoga Session! So now that I have you all cruzin toward the right frame of "Muffin mind"....
I was ecstatic, even euphoric at the prospect of dropping into a Beginners Hot Yoga class at the Birkram Yoga Studio...I was meeting a friend, who is also my chiropractor....which is a very smart move on my part, you know, just in case I unadjusted something while attempting the "flying monkey in oz" pose.
PFFT! If only I could have been so lucky! Hot Yoga for the Muffin Record: ...is about as relaxing as getting your left tit slammed into the car door.....
I shouldn't jump ahead to the ending so quickly....part of getting over a trauma is getting it out...so let me start with the start....I race through my day excited as all hell! I'm updating with Jen on Facebook about our "Selfish Moment" date at the Hot Yoga Studio later that evening. I'm thrilled at the prospect, I take a long hot bath in the morning, locate the yoga mat from the closet, Pack the Towel bag and make sure I have plenty of cold water bottles on hand for the class! Its been a year since my last yoga class...I was looking forward to the pain I knew that was coming in the next few days! That pain of over worked muscles! That painful euphoric realization of it "Hurting so Good" when you massage weary muscles! Over stretched ribs, thighs and abs, coupled with the blissful peace that comes from being so in tuned with your body that you can feel your blood flow! Its a love affair for me! One I wish I truly took the time to indulge in on a more regular basis!
Take notice Muffinites! IF YOU THINK GOING TO YOGA and going to HOT YOGA are the same.... YOU ARE WRONG, and in my case ALMOST DEAD WRONG: This effing class should have came with the following warning:
Physicians caution that exercising in heat 2 to 7 degrees above the body's core temperature of 98.6 can be dangerous.
Dr. Nieca Goldberg, chief of women's cardiac care at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York, said that because of the stress that extreme heat places on the heart through the demand for increased circulation, people with medical disorders should not do Bikram yoga.
''If you smoke, are overweight or have high blood pressure, this is not the exercise for you,'' she said.
Some practitioners of Bikram report dizziness, nausea, muscle weakness and cramping. Dehydration is the most probable cause, said Dr. Catherine Compito, an orthopedic surgeon specializing in sports medicine at New York-Presbyterian Hospital.
In extreme cases, losing electrolytes through perspiration can cause cardiac arrhythmia.
''Your body can only tolerate so much fluid loss,'' Dr. Compito said. She added that in high heat, the normal mechanisms for restoring the body's optimal core temperature cannot function. Evaporation cannot cool the skin. Cool air currents cannot move the hot air away from the body.
Picture if you will, the sun has set, its 46 degrees this particular evening and the air is damp...I do live on the ocean....I run from my car, well a fast trot anyway into the yoga lobby and I am hit with a 40 degree increase in temperature and an immediate sinus seizure, partly from the unexpected warmth and partly from the paint fumes of the obviously drying paint on the walls.... My Bransmuffin voice in my Bransmuffin head is saying rather loudly...."How deep can you breathe these toxic fumes before you start to hallucinate? Perhaps Hot Yoga is a metaphor for tripping balls with strangers!" I giggle inwardly at myself and approach the sign in desk to sign in, pay my drop fees and go get my meditation on before class! I need to be in a good mind set before class, as I need to get past the distraction of the paint fumes and obvious heat...I know, I know, its Hot Yoga! I was expecting heat, but I was not expecting 86 degree heat plus paint fumes!
So Im signing in and this is where I encounter "HER"...."Her" is introduced by "She" ....she is for the point of this story named "Yoga Barbie"
and Yoga Barbie smells like 7 year old boy who has run into his mothers kitchen from outside on an August day for a juice box...."She" smiles and says....Welcome to Birkram...is this your first visit with us? I smile and say, "yes it is", SHE says , "So you've NEVERRRRRR DONE HawT YOGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?" (Please read this with a pretween whine in your mind).....I stop, think about what I'm going to say, you know vs. what I want to say and reply, "No. No, I haven't and I'm very excited about it too!" Yoga Barbie turns around and smiles at "HER" aka "Britney Bitch Barbie" and says..."Shes never done Hawt Yoga". SHE doesn't say this in an alarming way but more in a way that says "We got a virgin here and you need to know"...."Britney Bitch Barbie" steps up and sizes me up...P.S. I'm two of her... Size and Age included...and says "Well then, Our Goal for you tonight is to have you STAY IN THE ROOM"...."Leave all your stuff except you water and towel by the benches, we lock the doors during class, so it'll be safe right there! Then, go get adjusted to the room." Yoga Barbie Cocks her head like a puppy who doesn't understand the noise she just heard smiles sweetly and points to her right...at the obvious benches where I'm to leave my stuff.
So I do...Tennis Shoes, yoga bag, Canvas towel bag, all by the benches! I proceed to the Large glass doors in the very dark room where it appears several people are laying and breathing deeply. I open the doors and am hit with a wall of HEAT....OPPRESSIVE HEAT....BLOWING HEAT....HEAT HEAT HEAT ....ITS EFFIN HOT!
105 degrees hot is the temperature setting on the thermostat accompanied by 40% humidity...and I start to panic, you know...just a little! I lay out my mat lay down my towel, take off my very cute jacket, and proceed to lay down and breath through a full balls anxiety attack, that I am having because I know I'm going to pass out from this heat! Listen now...I love heat, I live in Florida....I love Humidity again I live in Florida.....I do not however like 120 degrees...Amazon Rain Forrest heat! Especially when I'm dressed in a heavy cotton T and yoga capris while wearing socks! And for the Love of Jesus H... whose feet am I smelling in here? Realizing now this is gonna take a lot of Zen meditation, I decide to stick it out...I am strong! I am going to do "Hot Yoga" damn it, and I am going to be better for it...Plus, the room is dark I can quite possibly cheat a little if need be...after all, Ive been in this room 2.2 minutes and my bra is soaked through! I'm definitely loosing weight by the second!...Thank God I'm not wearing panties...it would equate to a wet dish rag between my legs....Please Buddah~ Alliah~ Birkram... or who ever I should be praying to in this situation, let me get through the next 90 minutes....and Im breathing deeply....Im ignoring the smell of Feet and BBQ Fritos permeating off of whoever is directly behind me....
as their feet are really only about 11 inches from my head so 12 inches from my nose! Breathing... Breathing... Breathing.....There is no music, no birds, no wind chimes.....AND THEN ....PA-POW! The lights come on and its brighter then Walmart at 2AM up in here! I'm now seeing spots of Blue Discs with Yellow halos...cuz who the eff thought the lights were coming on as I lie there gazing upon the oasis spot on the ceiling I had chosen only a moment ago!....Three loud Claps and in skips "Britney Barbie" in her
boy short Victoria Secrets and her string bikini sports bra...Head gear from her last music video turned on and full blast speaking faster and louder then the auctioneer at a Sothebys event where Elvis memorabilia is being placed on the block....GAH! I effing Hate this Bitch!
Then...slowly the focus comes back.... the Blue Blinding Disks with yellow halos fade...Good Lord....these people are practically nakid...and the frito feet essence that permeated from behind me belongs to a new distraction for me!
Ladies and Gents Meet BENDY BOY....an apparent new release of what ever concentration camp may still exist...he is wearing practically an identical pair of Victoria Secret Boy shorts sans Calvin Cline waist band label and that's it! His man hood is all bulging out and he is basically putting himself through a series of arm swinging back bends and left and right maneuvers...loosening up what ever might be tight...and trust me...I dont think anything on this boy is tight.....Mind you, I say Boy, 'cuz I think he is all of 18 years old and 90 pounds and at 6 feet tall! Although he smells like fritos, I dont think he has eaten anything solid in his entire adult life! Really? Really!
So Britney Bitch~ oh I mean Barbie is now Welcoming the class to the Birkrams Beginners Yoga class (beginner my ass!)....and points out at 20 decibels we have a new person in class (IE: ME!) She shares with them that my goal this evening is to stay in the room! Everyone somewhat gives me a nod and we are ready for the first pose! Well, they are...its known commonly as the "90 degree hinge pose" but in Birkram speak it sounds like sha-she-shasha-she and we are now stretching and reaching with our right arm over our head and left arm pointing in the opposite direction curled under our firm sucked in tummy's and we are bending to our left while imagining an invisible hinge that allows us to reach further and bend farther then we have ever bent or reached before left arm reaching for the west wall and the right are reaching for the east wall (notice there are no comma's, dot dot dots, periods or exclamation points! It all runs together for a reason people.) ...and we are holding and reaching and holding and reaching and ...You get the picture.....this goes on and on with new poses like the shoe-shim-eathim, The Show` Show`Bowel~bow, & The Flying~Monkey~Zebra~Screw....we are 45 minutes into this class before we even begin the floor work....I'm only doing half of any pose because quite frankly Chiropractor or no Chiropractor next to me I don't bend like that! I will never bend like that! Im being blinded by the sweat in my eyes, and the smell of this room 45 minutes into this class is actually causing my lunch to inch up my throat! And.... I do believe at this point, Bendy Boy can felicitate himself! Im really feeling quite nauseated to the idea of it and it wont leave my head! And.... the Heat...its God Awful and the smells...too too much! I know the goal is to "STAY IN THE ROOM" but in the interest of Bendy Boy and everyone else now bent like Origami Swans...I'm gonna Hurl...I Gotts to GO!
And So I do....In a sweeping motion~ I grab and go...
There's some more to this story, Like how Britney Bitch insists I not leave the room as I head for the door, I call back you may think I need to stay but everyone else wants me to leave , I think I may be sick....and then she jumps from her yoga platform and proceeds to follow me to the bathroom and then from outside the bathroom door she calls yoga moves into the room via her headgear Mr Microphone. This is not going over very well with me, and as I leave the bathroom somewhat recovered she is insisting that I return to the room and just lay on my mat. I refuse politely and she quite aggressively, well very firmly... really insists!
WELL "Britney Bitch" ...Meet... "Brandie Bitch" and head on TOO! Take a note KITTEN, This CAT is NOT GOING BACK IN THAT ROOM AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, TWIG GIRL, so step the eff back! My Look Says.." I WILL SNAP YOU IN TWO!" She retreats: and I am HAPPY I'm not dead, and Im not going to commit suicide by going in that room EVER AGAIN! I am equally happy I did not toss my cookies or frankly, loose control of my intestines... which I'm sure at this point ARE about to fall from my body, because they are in so much pain! I think I have come as close as one can to heat stroke without actually having a stroke...My head is killing me and the stomach cramps are insane...Britney Bitch made smart and backed off as previously mentioned, and probably because see feared the "LOOK"! I'm sure she knew I was about to break out all crazy up in there... and It seems for now I can relax, if only just for a moment.....because now as I sit safe on the bench... here comes round two, ie: Yoga Barbie, who now comes to me, after all I've just gone through, and she wants to converse with me about not being embarrassed that I couldn't make through more then half the class....
OMG! IM IN HELL! THIS IS HELL ON EARTH! Please Let me out of here!
People....DO NOT GO TO HOT YOGA....MORAL OF THE STORY: IF YOU WANT TO BE SELF CENTERED AND SELF INDULGENT ON OCCASION FIND SOME OTHER LESS TORTUROUS WAY TO DO IT! EAT GLASS, Take up Sword Swallowing...set yourself on fire... I promise it will be much more SATISFYING!
Now I gotta go....Im all tense from reliving it! Thanks For Nothing Freud...I thought talking it out was suppose to help!
xox Brans~Muffin xox
Twelve Years, Give or Take.
2 months ago