If you've been following along with Twills' lessons on "How to Be Milfy", you are well on your way to attaining Milf Status, if you haven't already. Of course if you're a Milf, there may come a time in your life when you will be ready to take on a lover. Say it with me: Lov-ah! You're going to want this lover to be some hot young stud, at least for the first one. Then you can branch out and experiment later.
Don't you dare say the word "Cougar" around me. It's derogatory, and Milf is just so.... not... at all...
I know you all need guidance. You're out there lusting after tight young things like Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner. (Really? Ew! Who are you people?) Not me. Heck no! I'm still not over Bruce Springsteen! I do however, have a formula for you which will make Lover Selection easier.
The trick is to not go too young. If you go too young, it's considered morally suspect. You can't just be a 50 year old woman, cruising up to the local high school to scope out guys. That's kind of creepy! Really, would you want to have the dude doing the walk of shame in the morning and run into you son, who's sits behind him in math class? Awkward!
This is where the "Gay Math" comes in. The gays, you see, they've had this shit down for a long time so it's not revolutionary. As usual, the gays are waiting for the hetero world to catch up with them, so that's not new either. What is the matter with people? Get with the program!
What is this "Gay Math Formula", you say?
Take your age. Divide it by 2. You may need a calculator for this if you're verging on geezer status. Heh.
Take that number, and add 7. Seven is the magic number.
For example, I am 30 years old. I am fine with this, so you can all just fuck right off. I'm 30 and I am still young. Young! Divide that by two, you get 15. When you add seven, you get 22. So that's my magic number.
In accordance with the rules of Gay Math, the youngest possible age for my potential lover to be is 22. Otherwise I would be bordering on the immoral. I know that people get off on breaking taboos, but there is time for that later. You have to start out slowly, and this is just a guideline to get you started.
You can see how this formula is perfect, because the number changes as you age. If I were 80, I could go for someone who is 47. Get it? Perfect! This formula is also not only reserved for Milfs. Obviously since we've stolen it from The Gays, it's also appropriate for child-free people, heterosexual men and generally all walks of life as long as you're legal! It even works in reverse, if you subtract seven from your age, then multiply it by two. 46 is my number for how old I can go without it being creepy. Dammit! I'm still missing out on Springsteen.
So you tell me. What is your magic number in Gay Math? Do you have any stories about any time you've violated the rule and have had a negative consequence? Feel free also to disagree with me and call me a horrible person. Do tell all, or if you're shy you can mail them to The Betties at firstname.lastname@example.org. We never reveal our sources. ;) Discuss.
Twelve Years, Give or Take.
2 months ago