Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Beware of Trolls

I am not a baby person. Though I've had loads of them, (not quite Duggar styles), I'm not really fond of the creatures. Sure, I love my own babies and the babies of my friends and relatives, but I'm more into them once they actually gain a little personality. When they start to smile and giggle and do cute things.

I have a confession to make: I think most babies are ugly. Not mine, of course. (or, you know... yours, particularly) Nothing ugly could ever be produced by such fine specimens as the DILF and myself. Heh. This is not a popular statement; people just aren't allowed to say that they think babies are ugly. The moms in the horrid jeans would lynch me if they knew I think this way!

I have this acquaintance who shall remain nameless. I met her at work years ago, and she had just come off of maternity leave when we'd met. She loved her little Princess! Mommy's girl! The most beautiful girl in the world! Talked about her constantly, so much so that everyone at work was sick to death of hearing about every single last detail of Princess's life. What Princess plays with, what Princess wears, what Princess eats, how Princess poops.

Yes, people. Poops. We had to hear all about it. Every. Fucking. Day.

Said acquaintance was desperate to have people come over to her house and experience the wonders of the Princess for themselves. I tried to get out of it... I put it off for a good three months. Everyone else at work had met Princess, and I was the last holdout. She became obsessed with having me meet Princess. I could not go anywhere or do anything without my every move being scrutinized and haunted by The Spirit of Princess.

Eventually I thought that the only way I was going to get any peace at work was to go ahead and allow myself to be blessed by the child. So I agreed to a visit. In the name of all that is holy!

When I arrived she had the baby up in her arms, and all I could really see was a bundle of pink frills, like the baby had been hosed down with Pepto Bismol. Then, it turned. it's. head.

And I gasped audibly.

Uh oh!

Little Princess looked as if she was an 80 year old man trapped in the body of an infant.

In the few milliseconds since my gasp, my life flashed before my eyes. Underneath her mommy obsessions, my co-worker was a super nice person and was a good friend. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, because I do know that every mother really does think that their child is the most beautiful child they've ever seen. Thoughts swam through my pea-brain as I thought about jumping out the window and heading for Mexico, and I cursed my other co-workers for not warning me in advance that I would be faced with such a situation.

So I instantly became cheery and exclaimed, "Now THERE'S a BABY!" in a high-pitched sing-song voice.

Oh, sweet relief!!!

Of course the woman thought that I shared her exact viewpoint that there wasn't a finer baby, not one so beautiful since Celine Dion produced that immaculate specimen, Rene-Charles. I could almost hear her singing, "I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love", beating on her chest and doing the signature Celine lunge.

The rest of the visit went quite well, and my spectacular save is one that should be written in the history books! Have any of you ever been confronted with a similar situation? Do you secretly think that newborns are ugly? Discuss.

That's all,



  1. Everyone has a story like this, I'm sure.
    Mine was a very, VERY good friend whose baby (pardon me, Angel)looked like she was one chromosome away from a Macaque Monkey.
    She was the ugliest baby I have personally ever seen. But my friend was on a streak. She had a portfolio done for her Angel as she was sure she was going to be a famous model.She took her to agents and had more photos done ( I have many copies oh the Angel Monk..I mean baby. That,however was not the worst part.
    This friend was constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY cooing at her Angel about just how beautiful her angel was. Of course she used the coochie coochie voice, which in itself is enough to make me vomit. Combined with Angel's face...Anyhow, the worst part was my friend is very loud, and she had no compunction about telling Angel how gorgeous she was in her loud coochie voice, and attempted to coerce anyone in hearing distance to chime in with their own comment on Angel's beauty.
    Then my day came.
    Months and months had gone by and I had escaped ever having to say Angel was beautiful or the truth-horribly ugly.
    She straight out asked me if I thought her Angel was beautiful.
    I must have looked like a deer in the headlights. My mind was pinging all over. Should I tell her her Angel looked like a Monkey, should I say she was cute, or should I flat out lie and tell her the truth?
    My friend is a good person, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I did the thing that felt most honest to my heart......
    I lied.

    Update* Angel is 4 now, and age has not helped. Neither has my friend's intention to make her Angel famous. Nothing so far.

  2. Shit, that was as long as the blog. Sorry Twills.

  3. Oh, but it was well needed. I've lost contact the mom of Princess, but I wonder if she's trying to make her into the next Hannah Montana?

  4. lol I did not give birth to beautiful Babies, and My sisters baby looked like an alien....Sorry Teek Kaci was not pretty at birth.....Good News is Kaci is a pageant winner and My kids have finally grown into their heads! XO!

  5. EJ Loved this Blog! Pina you made him Laugh Out Loud!

  6. I'm about 50/50 on this one. Some babies are gasp out loud adorable! and others? Oh god not so much. I've had this conversation before though, if your baby isn't the cutest creature ever born, do you know it?

  7. No, you never know it do know it, and I'd never want to be told! Would you? (Though I must say, your babies are extremely gorgeous, so you don't have to worry about this!)

    Though apparently The Muffin DOES know it. What a horrible wench! If I didn't love her so much I'd be apalled!!! Heh. I always know that blogs are funny when EJ laughs out loud. And yes, he most certainly has grown into a handsome young thang, and your daughter is a knockout. I hope your sister doesn't try to shank you for saying that! Keep us posted. Or maybe she's going to chime in?

  8. This made me laugh and think of my own Troll Baby. We used to call her Edgar, as she did look like a little old man....She is all grown now,(17) and as Muffin reports said is a pageant winner....Ugly ducklings do grow to be beautiful swans..... FYI~ MY FAMILY HAS NO TACT THEY WILL TELL YOU IF YOUR UGLY,FAT, BITCHY,ECT..AND YOUR BABIES TOO...BEWARE!

  9. We have a disorder really...I dont think they've named it though....

  10. lol Holly Im getting "IM's" from the Family regarding this post...It appears Sara has a comment.... How can I post a Pic to comments? I screen shot her "IM" its hysterical!

  11. Had an ugly baby moment when working at Kohl's a mom had a baby girl with a rather large patch of coarse hair in the middle of her forehead.. responded to the situation with " Oh my she is definitely a head turner!"

    The Muffin's oldest troll

  12. Sara, that also is one wicked save. And Teek, if Kaci becomes Miss America, she can bitchslap Auntie Muffin with a fist full of hundred dollar bills if she wants. Fair trade?

  13. Thanks for invitin me to read this one Muffin...KaciE to me, did not so much look like an alien than a bird at birth, and Thank the one who didn't require that I give birth to her. The pageant queen is beautiful as she always has been. Really, Muffin, that you think you know so much, but have been there for so little. Congrats girls~and Blessed Be~ I so know that you will have something to say in which I commend you for, but, did you really need to start here? Lovingly... The bird and her mom!

  14. sorry it says anonymous, cause u know were not.

  15. Well it was in fact a compliment but then again, One's options for path when no other choices are given could be a whole nother blog in and of its~self.
    Blessed be to Beautiful you and Your Mom Angie Kacie and Thanks for reading!
    You're always welcome here!

  16. Cue the creepy Hitchcock-style music...

  17. I really should place Commas and periods appropriately in my comments and posts!
    I never graduated from University....Grammar does matter!

  18. Pfft. I never graduated from Univeristy either, but if you'd seen the Dilf you wouldn't be able to stop yourself from mating with him either. ;)


    What was I saying?

    Jeez, I just got so flustered that I can't concentrate anymore.

    See the power of The Dilf?


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