Happy, wonderful, delicious Friday, Betty-lovers. It's time for another installment of our infamous advice column, and damn, have we got something for you. Seriously, I don't know where we dig up these people, but of course we never reveal our sources or tell people that they're freaks. (Unless they're really freaky). Send us your questions/concerns/comments/favourite sexual positions to laynie2@gmail.com and we'll get back to you, anonymously, right here each week. Let us get on with the business of telling you how things are.
Dear Betties,
My girlfriend is really wild in bed, but last week she surprised me by putting her finger in my asshole and I have never cum so hard in my life. I want her to do it again, but I don't want to admit that I liked it. I've never been attracted to guys, but since I did really like ass play, am I gay?
-Back Door Guy-
Twills Says,
Dear Anal Lover,
Let's see... Your girlfriend, by definition, is a girl, n'est-ce pas? Not a dude dressed as a girl? Does she have soft skin and dainty hands? Does she have *gasp* a vagina? Because I'm going out on a limb with this one... that unless your girlfriend is a guy, then you're not gay. You just like it when she milks your prostate, which is entirely natural and though I have no prostate of my own, I'm sure is quite pleasurable. Just unclench your butt cheeks and submit. And don't be such a frigging baby!
That's all,
Twills
XOXO
Pina says,
I'm with Twills on this one. If what you have on your hands is really a woman, than you should really have no problem. Do some experimenting. If you liked the little bit of ass play, perhaps you and your gal should experiment a little bit more. Check out a sex store together, read some erotica to each other, learn what else you like. There's a whole lot of sex to be had out there, and while finding out what you like, you can totally enjoy yourself along the way. (I suggest starting out with some small anal beads)
Good luck and enjoy!
Readers, join in and help our friend out, maybe by sharing some of your funkier sexcapades!
Well gentle friends, here ends another fun and fulfilling Friday. Remember, send us your questions to laynie2@gmail.com, and we will give you the solution to your problems, or maybe just a good old talking to if you're doing what you shouldn't be.
Love, The Betties
XOX(definitely no touching)
*Twills edit: Pina, how we gonna get all up on them if we don't touch them?
In honor of Thursday I the Muffin declare it Thirsty Thursday! If that aint FEM enough then Put on Your Pearls Betties, Im feeling the cocktail hour is among us! Its Five O'clock Somewhere:
thirst·y (thûrst) adj. thirst·i·er, thirst·i·est 1. Desiring to drink. 2. Arid; parched: thirsty fields. 3. Craving something: thirsty for news. 4. Very absorbent: a thirsty sponge. thirsti·ly adv. thirsti·ness n.
So whats this Thirsty Thursday Shizz all about? Its the Muffins gift to the Bettie's! Again one of those "Hope You the Loyal Reader" are feeling the interactive call of a Blog that longs to know what you Thirst For! Its not a Gimmick....Its the Muffins Blog and very well may undergo several transformations in its rise to the top of the Blog Popularity Poll.....Oh Im talking about the which Bettie You Like Better... SHAMELESS PLUG: Pick Muffin
No you don't have to send the requests for Thirsty Thursday to Laynie2@gmail.com But your ask the Bettie's advise questions are preferred there!
Examples of Thirst may include but are not limited to:
Cocktail Recipes:
2 Shots of Grey Goose Vodka (Or Cheaper Vodka if the economy has got ya down...) 2 Shots Vermouth (Optional if you just wanna Vodka it)
2 Spanish Queen Olives on a cute stir stick of some sort or not (set aside for a hot effin second) 2 - 1/2 Tsp of Olive Juice 2 Martini Glasses (Or Red Solo Cups) 1 Bar Shaker `I have several so pick your favorite
The Vodka and Vermouth go in the shaker with a few chunks of ice: Shake or Schwirl* (*pronunciation after one) depending on your personal feeling about bruising the Vodka...if that's even possible...I actually get bruises from Vodka...So I shake the fucker! Take one olive per glass and pour the Shaken Liquid of Love in equal parts over the olives in the Martini Glasses Take the 1/2 tsp of Olive Juice and pour in each Glass of Liquid Love Let it breath for a Hot Second and then drink ~Limit for the Muffin is 2! Well it used to be, until the Pimentos which I described at the time in a very very whining voice as "palmettos", shot out my nose via the Liquid Love Induced Puking! So just be careful....and: Know, that I will never eat Olives again!
Perhaps Your Thirst is for Knowledge: Topic suggestions are welcome in the comments and I'll do my best or another Bettie will, to answer or address your topic, perhaps even a loyal reader can chime in!
This Bettie's thirst changes very little though: I thirst for Coffee in the morning, and I am trying to become addicted to Water the rest of the day. I have stopped drinking beverages with Sugar....Alcohol sugar does not count! I hear that Once you start really drinking water your body craves it! I have a fear though about all that water! I am afraid my Body may retain it....I'll let you know how that goes!
So there you have it: my new Thirsty Thursday Post! That leaves Tuesday, Saturday and Sunday to fill....We are considering a Guest Bettie Post Day....Anyone wanna take a seat on the Bettie Blog Couch? Blog Guest Sign up as with everything we try to exploit: Can be left in the comments!
Good morning, bitches. It's Monday. I know! It came around again.
But this Monday is better than others! This is because Renee from "Dangling on the Edge of (In)Sanity", has awarded The Betties with the "Beautiful Blogger" award. See? It's here:
Thank you, Renee! Please visit her blog and leave a comment or ten. Without further adieu, for today's Anonymous Monday, tell us how beautiful you think The Betties are. ;)
Welcome, readers. You really have been doing quite well on your homework assignments, friends. The Betties have received so many questions to laynie2@gmail.com lately, that Twills has had to take a short break from pwning n00bs, Muffin hasn't been spending enough time at the beach and her tan is fading, and Pina hasn't been down to the docks all week. Keep them coming, it's for our own good. Now on to the action:
Dear Betties,
I am finding myself recently separated and seeking a divorce. Although there is a very good reason for the parting of ways, a deal breaker so to speak, I find that I am grateful it is "all his fault". I'm actually happy that our relationship has failed! I'm excited that its over after 23 years and have no sadness about not being married. I know I shouldn't be excited, right? I don't want anyone especially the dead weight I just dumped to think I want my marriage to work, quite the opposite. I just think I shouldn't be so relieved that it's over and after so long! Am I crazy?
Signed,
Freedom Fighter
Twills says,
Dear Freedom Fighter,
You're not crazy. You've been with the same man for so many years, it's time to bust loose. Live a little. Go skydiving. Pierce your nipples. Go out to bars and bed incredibly young men. Though pay strict attention to Gay Math when you're first starting out; you wouldn't want to go too wild right at the beginning and burn out to early. New found freedom is a precious thing. Start out slowly and savour it.
Dear Freedom, You're not Crazy! Now thats not to say you wont ever become crazy! When I went from Husband one to single I was really OK....for about 5 months, then things started happening, Life got hard, lonely, He Got a girlfriend....Then I got crazy... Like anything in life there is a cycle to endings and beginnings, Stay Milfy, dont ever do Hot Yoga, and you will get through the next phase just fine! Good Luck and Keep on Keeping on Sista! ~Muffins Hunka was a Freedom Fighter!
Dear Betties,
I am a Lesbian, I only say that because I feel it's important to the post. I would prefer you not talk to me about dicks and such. My "wife" wants sex more frequently than I, and there are issues with my feeling special enough to become intimate. This is completely my problem, I've seen shrinks and Ive been told in past relationships that it's exhausting and that I'm high maintenance. I don't want to be alone and old and a cat lady. (No offense to The Bettie with cats) Is it really just me? Don't other people have the same issue? I don't think I was ever abused as a child. Other than thinking I was weird as a teenager for not liking "the cutest" boy in school, I was pretty normal. I dated a few guys in high school, I never went any further then 1st base. I've also never had intercourse with a guy. I just wasn't aroused unless I was really stoned or drinking to even do much more than kissing. I would prefer to be intimate with my wife sober, I think she might not like me drunk or smoking pot just to have sex. What to Do?
Frigid in the South Pole
Twills says,
Dear South Pole,
Take it from me, I live with a sex fiend. The Dilf would is all up on my business all hours of the day and night to the point where our kids are always yelling out, "Don't go in the kitchen! Mom and Dad are totally making out!" *Huzzah!* I sometimes prefer sleep; it's true! I'm not a machine, people! My uterus is at rest! I feel your pain, believe me, I do. Have you ever been checked out by a physician in regards to your hormones, etc? A low sex drive is completely normal, and reversible. It has nothing to do with whether you prefer the poon or the peen. I know these things, because as I always say, I'm about 48% gay.
However, I wonder if you're feeling enough of an emotional connection? We women are complex creatures, as you well know. It doesn't take much for us to get turned off, though you're lucky that you probably don't have to put up with things like farting, b.o. or gnarly toenails. I hope?
Dear Frigid, What makes you feel special? Is it a long hot bubble bath complete body massage and then some lovin? (Hint Hint Hint Hunka!) I would not ever advocate drunken or stoner sex, but if a glass of wine helps take the edge off of your tense~ness, well...until you can make that doctors appointment for Valium, Viagra, or Vitamin Shots....consider this, If your ex's think you are too high maintenance to stick with, and you have already said its You and Not Your Wife....Next step is Fixing it or its Cats ville for you baby!! Cuz although Bettie with the Cats has Cats she also has Dock workers and Sailors that find her worthwhile! I know that the more "uptight" you become the less easy it will be for you to relax! Good Luck! ~Muffin likes scented Bubbles!
Well Pina took the week off again, new fleet at the Docks or some shizzzzzz, I hear one of her Cats are about to drop a litter....so until next week...Chin up, shoulders back, and chest out!
Hello there, readers, and welcome to another fun-filled edition of the Betties' Advice Blog. I'm not much into foreplay, so let us just jump right into the thick of things here with our first question:
Dear Betties,
What's up with the "pornstache" that is popping up on the upper lip of the men in my neighborhood? Is this something new Brad Pitt is sporting? Do tell! Is it the latest trend in facial hair for men?
Love,
Hating the Facial Pubes
Muffin Says:
Dear Hating, Hate is such a strong word....I think the Facial Hair you dub as the Porn Stache is a multi purpose tool that we can put to good use! Its a great exfoliating tool...It becomes a Flavor Savor, and If you are Colonial Sanders or Magnum PI its a trade mark!
The Muffin has yet to be witness to this new phenomenon in male fashion, Perhaps Daytona is not quite hip to the times! I will make a point to photo upload these to my FB page as I encounter them though! Still Love the Goatee ~Muffin
Twills Says:
Anyone who sports a pornstache is likely either a) stuck in the seventies; or b) a hipster. If this person is a hipster and has a pornstache, it is likely that the only reason why is because that dude thinks he's way cooler than you. Than anyone. He seems to think that he's rocking it with irony, and that's he's just so special that no one else will "get" what he's trying to do. In reality we all know that he just looks like a total douchebag.
There is another instance where it might be acceptable. Personal story here: When I first met the DILF, oh it was magic. Until I saw his driver's license photo! OMG! He was rocking the pornstache! This was in the year 2000, not when it had suddenly come back into vogue. The story was, he had shaved off his winter beard and had gone in to town with that on his face as a joke. He was renewing his driver's license that day because it was his birthday, but didn't realise that he'd need a picture taken. He told the woman at the office that he didn't really look like that, but she didn't care. (She's well known for being a crusty bitch in our area) She snapped the photo anyway, and for the next five years he had to have a flaming red pornstache on his License. So if you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, it might be just a one time thing and you've happened to spot them?
(I still think it's because they think that they're cooler than you)
Lovingly,
Twills
XOXO
Question Two! Almost there!
Dear Betties, My cousin has been trying to fix me up on a blind date with a friend of hers. I was interested at first because he has a good job and we are into the same kinds of things. But then last week, right before we were about to finalize some plans, she told me that he is renown for having huge balls. Now I'm really grossed out and don't want to meet him, but she thinks I'm being too picky. What do you think?
Signed,
Small Baller
Dear SB Well that depends...Would you prefer a man with a set of ping pongs? I am not sure, what if the size of his Balls correlated with the size of his wallet... you would still complain? Listen I think its important to all kinds of things that your man as well as you have a set (figuratively speaking for you anyway unless you actually do have a set, then I think its important that you both determine who's are bigger! Someone must be the decision maker!) and as far as I am concerned Bigger anything is always better!(yes, this includes everything!) Now if he is picking them up to sit down, I might be a little concerned but not enough to not go to dinner! Perhaps you should dig deep, find your own, and order dessert first!
Do let us know how it goes!
~Muffins got the biggest Balls of them all!
Twills Says:
Dear Baller,
Run! If giant balls freak you out and you don't think you can get over it, don't date him. If they're giant and freakish now, what do you think they'll look like when they're old and wrinkled? There are plenty of fish in the sea, and if you are looking for Mr. Right, and Mr. Right has average sized balls, then you would be wasting your time with Mr. Giant Balls. And seriously, how the fuck does SHE know that he has huge balls, huh? Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it might be the tuna.
Investigate this please,
Twills
XOXO
Where's Pina, you say? She's still not recovered from a botched boob job she got last week. Just don't tell her that she looks like Tara Reid, please. She's sensitive and she'd like to stay that way.
Until next week,
Your Betties
XOXO
laynie2@gmail.com, for inquiries or for a good time. ;)
I first met The Muffin on MySpace, many moons ago. I was either knocked up for the third time, or delirious with lack of sleep because the baby had not slept through the night in... well, how old is he now? Nearly three? Well yes, then three years. He hasn't slept through the night in three years. That explains why I'm kind of loopy then, no?
I seem to recall her having something to do with winning a goat. I still to this day have no recollection of her ever having taken delivery of the beast, but if she did I think she'd dance naked in a forest and sacrifice it, since she's a witch. A real one! *cue ominous sounding music*
The first blog that I read of hers was because our mutual friend Louminator, (who I met through Deb, who was my first and best MySpace friend) had pimped a blog that she'd written. What was this blog about? Well, she'd been married at that time for about a month or two, and decided that it was a good time to start sharing her wisdom with others on how to have a successful marriage. I knew then that she was my kind of broad, and we've had each other's back ever since.
When Muffin is not busy buying and selling the state of Florida as if it's some giant Monopoly board, she's a famous radio personality on the AM dial. In her spare time she enjoys doing hot yoga, texting people constantly on her CrackBerry, and soaking up her husband Hunka's burning love.
Pina and I had a few of the same MySpace friends, but we didn't friend each other there until I had actually stopped writing in that venue. Too many creeps up in there, but I'd decided that Pina wasn't one of them. We agreed long ago that we wouldn't talk about whose blogs we'd seen each other on because it was too much like gossip, but if you want to read our favourite one, click here.
Pina is a west coast Canadian girl, and has a west coast accent. You already know that she has tons of cats, but what you didn't know is that her cats are hookers. They get knocked up more than I do, and Pina encourages this behaviour so she can raise a cat army which only responds to her command. Look out, West Coast. Pina's Pussies are vicious.
It doesn't help that while she has a tough exterior, she is soft on the inside (look DEEP, people) and the neighbourhood cats prey on this. They all congregate near Pina's place and meow at each other about how she'll take in even the scrawniest, most feral cat and treat it like a princess. There is no end to the lavish attention she gives them, so they know that any pregnant pussy can camp out at Pina's until such a time as she's ready to drop her litter and start hustin' for more tail again. Sluts!
When Pina is not busy breeding a mutant cat army, you can find her... well, online of course. That's because she is the only person who is online more than me, and who also sleeps less than me. Somehow we've developed a Psychic Betty Connection which enables us to say the exact same thing at the exact same time, which is actually quite creepy at times with us stomping all over one another's brain.
As for the fourth Betty, who knows? Maybe she doesn't exist. Maybe she's a guest Betty. Maybe the fourth Betty is you, our audience. Because don't we all have a little bit of a Betty inside of us? Think of the options: Betties White, Page, Boop, Rubble (The original Milf), Grable, Ford, Crocker, (and Veronica: but I have to admit, I'm a Veronica in this one), Draper, Suarez, Rizzo, Ross, Davis, and Atomic Betty. So many great role models to choose from, one can not help but want to explore their inner Betty.
Happy Friday, Gentle Readers. Though not too gentle, please, because you know The Betties like it rough. *rawr* Welcome to another fantasmic edition of The Betties Advice Blog. What we need our adoring public to do, is send us your questions to: laynie2@gmail.com. Then we will answer them right here on Fridays if we deem them worthy of our attention.
This week we have an offering from someone who doesn't necessarily have relationship trouble, just someone who wants to know what we think about something. Which is great because us Betties are known for speaking our minds.
Dear Betties,
I want to know why you think heterosexual men are attracted to transexual or transgendered individuals, who are now female.
Signed,
TransWondered
Twills Says:
Dear TransWonderful,
I think what we need to do first, is to define our terms. Wikipedia helped me plagiarize this:
Transvestite: Transvestism (also called transvestitism) is the practice of cross-dressing, which is wearing the clothing of the opposite sex.
Transgendered: Transgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as woman, man, neither or both) not matching one's "assigned sex" (identification by others as male or female based on physical/genetic sex). "Transgender" does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual; some may consider conventional sexual orientation labels inadequate or inapplicable to them. The precise definition for transgender remains in flux, but includes: "Of, relating to, or designating a person whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender roles, but combines or moves between these."[1] "People who were assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves."[2] "Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the sex (and assumed gender) one was assigned at birth."[3]
So, now that we've cleared that up, I think that straight dudes could possibly be attracted to hot trannies because once you've become enough of a man-whore, you need to branch out. If one were to keep an open mind about such things, one could reach epic realms of sluttiness! Think of the possibilities! Not only would you broaden your fuckability to include chicks, but dudes who look like chicks/have recently become chicks/people with no clear gender at all! There is actually a proper term to describe this phenomena:
Pansexuality is a sexual orientation, characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. The word pansexual is derived from the Greek prefix pan-, meaning "all". It is intended to negate the idea of two genders (as expressed by bi-).
There you have it. It takes all kinds. Lesson of the day: Broaden your mind and your loins will follow.
That's all,
Twills
XOXO
What is this? The other two Betties are absent? That's because Pina is too busy down at the wharves, trying to get sailors to barter their chewing gum and nylons for her services. Where is the Muffin, you say? She went back to Hot Yoga, and now she can't get her foot down from behind her head. While Hunka is excited, it makes it difficult for her to function in every day life.
With that, let us leave you with a song. Until next week, bitches and trannylicious alike.
Let Muffin Introduce you to the Bettie's: In the Beginning there were Two and it squared and now there are Four:
To Start: A Pina and a Twills ...No they are the not ships that brought the pilgrims to the new world you assholes...They are the "Betties" ~ "One for the Road" ~ "Blog Whores"~ with reputations to match. Who's pen-man-ships are delivered with humor and smack, not sweaty, diseased stowaways, seeking a better life in the land of fruit and plenty! They're frickin Canadian for Christ sake! You think they wanna stow away and loose their health care?
Pina~ a spinster drunk, who lets her cat get stoned on the nip, has nothing better to do then smoke like a chimney all day...all the while pondering why she cant tell her mom her periods late! Shes not Pregnant... You have to have sex to get pregnant...I dont know if shes ever had sex...Listen she'll tell you the womb is barren, she told me the first time we spoke...Hey you whiner, have a teenager hang out for a few days, you'll not find that such a bad thing....Stop Braggin! I'm thinking that the reason she has never given birth is she cant come to terms with discussing her menstrual cycles, and in order to intentionally become pregnant you do need to discuss the cause and effect of your period! Plus, you cant get pregnant "Mary" if you don't screw! (Im projecting a little, sorry Christian readers and we can debate this later, Im not sure Mary didn't hook up with God outside the feed store and get it on!) Pina, put down the "Rabbit", find you a man, and get you some already!
Twills~ A "MILFY" Canadian House wife- Thats the title she gave herself...Listen up buttercup, to be "milfy": other people give you the title...You egotistical wench! So you look like a throw back of a 1920's swinger pin up girl with great hair, and your kids are absolutely adorable, funny, and precocious....You got lucky! Oh...and your husband has great genes...and as you have pointed out and on more then one occasion he has great JEANS! I bet if you didn't put out on the first date you wouldn't have gotten pregnant, and the "Milfy House Wife" of your DILF would look all together differently then you do now! A trapped man will always succumb to his surroundings! Jealous Much?
Our Third: Char- Who are you? Do you even exist? I heard a rumor you live in the Sunshine State...me too Bitch, we should do lunch or some shizzzzzz!
and the Fourth-Me!... Muffin!...Bransfun!...Bransalicious!... Yours Truly!...The Unofficial Mayor of Yoville.... I'm simply Fabulous as you all already know and I'm Wicked with my keyboard!
Hello gentle readers, it's Friday, which means it's Betties Advice Day. You all know how it works by now, you send in your questions to laynie2@gmail.com before Wednesday night, and we will pick out two each week that we think we can give helpful advice to. Let's see what our mail bag has for us this week.
Dear Betties;
I have a male friend who seems to want to move our friendship in another direction - the bedroom. I am not interested in him in that way and have told him so. To make it more uncomfortable, he is constantly in my space trying to hug me or pat me on the shoulder or brush my hair off my face. I am NOT a huggy-kissy person, and if this continues, I don't even know if the friendship can exist or if it even is worth saving. I have told him bluntly and honestly. What else can I do?
signed,
Too Much Attention.
Pina says:
Dear TMA,
If you have been as honest as you can about how you feel about your friend, it seems like there is very little left for you to do or say. Really, the only advice I have is perhaps you may want to make a pro-con list regarding this friend, and if you decide to stay friends, have one more very blunt conversation about the fact he makes you uncomfortable being in your space. If he doesn't respect your wishes, then perhaps it is time for you both to move on. Sorry that's the best I've got.
Twills says,
Dear Space Saver,
Ew. If he doesn't want to back that shit up, tell him to fuck off. There is nothing worse than a close-talker. FYI, Octo-Man: If you can smell her breath, she can smell yours!
If you've already told him clearly and concisely, there isn't much else you can do if he won't get the hint. If he persists, consider a restraining order. He's giving me the creeps and I don't even know him. Gah!
Don't touch me,
Twills
Dear TMA,
I'm sorry your friend doesn't understand clear communication! Perhaps you have a wingman that can step in and or up to the plate and advise him that his unwanted advances will no longer be tolerated? Or sadly perhaps, it is time to close the door on that relationship? I do think it is wise to address the fact that with the friend gone from your life the attention and the advances no longer there you may find your ego missing the friend! Every girl likes to know they are attractive to someone!
The Muffin thinks you're adorable!
Dear Betties;
My husband and I like to watch porn together, sometimes to get ideas to spice up our love life. Lately, he has been bringing a lot of anal porn home. Now we have had anal sex a few times, and although I wasn't a huge fan, I did enjoy the fact that my husband seemed to really get off on it. I didn't really understand the huge attraction, so the other day, I took a small mirror and went into the bathroom to see what all the hubbub was about. I just about screamed out loud!! It was NOTHING like I saw in the porn we watched, and it is extremely unattractive. I have no idea why my husband is so attracted to such an area. I don't mind the act of anal sex, but with the way my no no hole looks, I am not interested in letting my husband see it at all. Help me, please!
Signed;
Away from the No No Hole.
Pina says;
Dear No No Hole;
If you are willing to continue with your husband's new fetish, then there are some things you can do to tidy up and pretty up that spot. First, I suggest a Brazilian wax. Next, there are products on the market that you can use at home to get rid of any staining or discolor. You don't think porn stars are born with sparkling clean anuses, do you? There is work involved. If you are not comfortable with doing a home job, seek out a professional cosmetician or esthetician that knows what she is doing. Keep up with the landscaping on a regular basis, and you and hubby can go back to exploring and expanding your sex life. Good Luck!
Twills says:
Dear Yes! Yes! Yes! Hole,
Turn off the fucking lights for eff's sake if you're so self-conscious. I'm pretty sure he's seen Uranus before if he's already been using his telescope, get my drift? I bet you ask him if you look fat in your clothes before you go out, don't you? Then you get sulky if he says yes?
He's a man. He'd let the dog service him if he thought he'd get away with it. Fuck. The End!
That's all,
Twills
XOXO
Dear NNH,
What Hot Yoga Move did you get into to see the Poop Shoot? So now that you've seen the the Hershey Highway Up Close and Reversed (Objects in the mirror are closer then they appear and are now right to left or written backwards...) in comparison to before... what changed your mind other then its Ugly Betty(Notice the spelling ladies) Appearance? 'Cuz, unless you are busting out the Hot Yoga Move ( ...and I highly advise against that shizzzz especially in the middle of the required Anal Breathing Exercise....After all one would think having something poking around Colonville requires at least on impact some concentration and deep slow breathing....From What Ive Seen in Movies....) You aren't Seeing anything other then whats in front of you? Consider that his attraction isn't the the look of the Chocolate Star Fish but rather the Size of its shell! I also say good for you for keeping it adventurous!
The Not That Limber Muffin!
So concludes another fun-filled edition of Betties Day. You have woes, we have answers; we'd be willing to part with them for free. Let's meet back here again next week, same place, same time. Shall we?
Oh We aren't done Twills~~~~~~
******What a Bettie must put Up With****** A snippet from: a behind the scenes look... a Glare actually... of the Pissy Betties that I love so dear! And a Few weeks ago I was called a Biotch...Listen readers....We all are victims of the Cathouse! Twills ~I love you! Thanks for your worry of me ~The Found Muffin! Peee Essss....Don't you dare delete the behind the scenes ....that's censorship and in America we don't stand for it!
If you did notice that we're missing our Muffin this week (No your Not), it's because she's come down with a raging case of The Clap (applause light is in fact lighted!) and can't sit down long enough to type at her desk. Oh, it burns! (Can Sit...did Sit....There is a slight itch though....) Send Muff's muff some positive vibes, please. Along with some antibiotics.
(Save the Antibiotics for Twill's next rage with the Flu....Its Bike Week In Daytona Babies and The Muffins Been Working the Corner! Oh Wait....maybe you should send the meds!...Muffin missed her conference call But....I must work when the customer seeks a Muffin!)
Images used because they're quite badass, from Natalie Dee.
Well, better late than never I always say. Tune in next week for another fun filled edition of Betties Day. ~Twills~ ~Pina~ ~Muffin~
Why hello there, gentle readers, and welcome to another fun filled edition of this week's Betties Advice Blog. Here's how it works: you send us a question or a comment to laynie2@gmail.com, and we answer them for you on Fridays. This week we have two offerings for you; feel free to comment as well, as we really do appreciate knowing that people are reading us. We only live to serve, and we'd love to hear what you think even if we don't agree with you. Did you know you can also post as anonymous? Some people have already figured that out of course, but for some others this news opens up a whole new world for them. Sit back and relax. Trust me, you'll need to once you finish reading.
Dear Betties,
I can only trim the front of my hootchie. I'm too pregnant to get down and dirty with the clippers. HALP?
-Hairy Mammoth-
The Muffin is going first this week, I'm usually the Middle responder ....I suppose It's cuz I just stopped by first!
Dear Mammoth,
Are you asking us to Shave you? How Prego are you? What kind of clippers do you have? What do you have against the "70's Full bush" considering the condition you already find yourself in? I ask these questions cuz I'm nosy.... Honestly, having been Largely Pregnant during my life time I've had two issues similar to yours. My skin was super sensitive to lotions and creams, making landscaping the nether regions almost impossible and a belly that practically made reaching the nether near impossible as well....there are however plenty of Day Spas and Salons that are available to help you! You deserve a little pampering, considering all the pampering you are about to be doing....I say take a day and relax, let the ladies at the spa take care of you! Congrats on your upcoming parenthood! ~The Mommy Muffin
Twills says:
Dear Hairy Hormonal Hootchie,
One word: Outsourcing. You're going to have a baby, so you've got to learn how to delegate responsibilities. Have the babydaddy do it (after all, it's his fault that you can't reach it) or go to a joint that offers the service. Even a beauty school. Just try not to pick the future Beauty School Dropout. Who wants their hootchie waxed by a fool? ;) Good luck.
Dear Hairy Hoochie Coochie Woman;
When I read your letter the first thing I thought was clippers? I had the kind of clippers a vet used on my cat's belly before he fixed her. The second thing I thought was: how bloody big a bush do you have that you need clippers? Are we talking sheep shearing here? And finally, I wondered if this was your first child. I'm guessing it is, or else you would not be concerned with a few stray pubes when you have all those fluids and whatnot coming out along with baby, because let's face it, childbirth may be beautiful for Mummy and Daddy, but I've seen a baby born, and it's not an attractive process. Finally, and here is my advice: if you are that concerned with your crotch Afro, find a professional, I'm sure they have seen the gamut of pubes. Yours can't be that bad, can they? Good luck with the waxing and the little bitlet you will be squeezing out, shaven or not. -Pina
Dear Betties,
I have been practicing light and energy work for some time now mostly for healing purposes. However recently I have discovered I can use a similar technique to induce orgasms in women clients often 10-15 minutes long without even touching them and I am told they are very intense. Now my question is if I were to do this for a profit do you think that would be a legitimate business or just make me some kind of psychic whore?
~Sexual Healer~
Dear Psychic O Maker,
I was tempted to not answer this question, rather I would just concentrate hard on the answer and then have you tell me! Considering though that I don't want you to think I'm mocking you....As I am most definitely not, I will answer this way: I appreciate light and energy healing and enjoy practicing energy healing, Of course on myself via meditation and Chakra alignment....
Now with all of that said, do you consider this gift of yours a gift you should be paying forward, or is this something you have learned to do and you have found as an added bonus/side effect to the process? I mean we are talking the Big O! So many ladies could benefit, so many ladies have never achieved their Highest Sexual Honor and you may have discovered utopia! As for charging...Well, Disney doesn't let you into the Magic Kingdom for free! I have absolutely nothing against you charging for your services/gifts! I am concerned you feel shameful and dirty, ie: by describing yourself as a whore. I believe in Karma, if you feel that you are sending out negative energy by providing this service then negative energy will return. However if you feel you are providing a positive service and sending out positive energy then positive Karma is due you!
I don't know one woman who would not benefit from a release on occasion, one question remains though... Do you find your clients falling in love with you? Orgasms can be quite emotional for many ladies and considering a 10-15 minute orgasm is practically unheard of, and quite likely to cause some ladies to pass old cold, Stalk you, or Never leave! O' Dear, never mind the trouble that could come from one of their significant others....cuz lets face it, one may not be able to compete with your lil trick! The side effects need to be clearly defined via some sort of disclosure before proceeding, also you need to get emergency contact numbers and keep 911 on speed dial! You could find yourself in a wet heap of trouble!
No wait, scratch that.... I have another question....How can I do this at home? Third Question, can I buy into the Franchise?
~Muffin Thinks She Likey!
Dear Sexual Healer,
You'd think that this would be awkward because I know you. Hell no! I tell this to people all the time: No one can think clearly if they're sexually frustrated. In fact, I believe I even said it last week to one of the questions that were sent it, no?
I think it's a legitimate service, though not necessarily one that you could market. Or tell the government about... The ordinary mini-van driving public tend to be very puritanical about this sort of thing. Fortunately we have the internet, and if any of our readers are interested in this type of service, I'm sure that by contacting The Betties at laynie2@gmail.com we can hook a sistah up! Though we're not going to tell you who he is, if you are interested we can tell him who you are and leave the rest up to him. No, we don't offer a Betties discount! Jeez! Boy's gotta eat!
Dear Sexual Healer;
Your question stumps me a bit. The fact that you have uncovered this hidden yet extremely special hidden skill, could be a blessing, or a nightmare in disguise. I have no problem with you charging for this service - Massage therapists, acupuncturists....all these holistic healers charge, and I believe you have a healing gift, so why shouldn't you charge as well? What stumps me is why you aren't already a mini-corporation? Do you know what a woman would pay for a 15 minute orgasm induced without someone clawing, climbing, and sweating all over them in an attempt to get to the orgasm finish line first? Big bucks, my friend, big bucks. I have always said that sexuality and enjoyment are personal and as long as no one is being hurt, or children are not being harmed, then forge headlong through the Kama Sutra, sexual sherpas! I suggest you use your gift, and drop the idea that you would be being a whore. If this is simply a healing process,with no actual sex involved, you should have no guilt. Let us know when your studio is set up and we'll pass along your info to our female readers. Good Luck! -Pina
Well gentle readers, this ends another Bettie's advice Friday. We always hope our opinions may be helpful, but remember, they ARE just opinions, take them as you will.
If you have a question for us, send it to laynie2@gmail.com by Wednesday evening, and we will do our best to send out our sage advice to you as well - in total confidence of course. Your boss doesn't need to know about your sex life now, do they? So have a great week and the Betties will be back same time next week.
Welcome to Friday, the day where we tell you what you need to do to fix your life, because apparently a lot of you out there can't seem to handle it on your own.
As always, you can send us in your question to laynie2@gmail.com by Wednesday evening, and if they are interesting, or they are the kind of questions that let us tell you what to do, we will put hands to keyboard and answer your stuff. We try our best to help you out, but of course, some people are just beyond help.
Just Kidding. Kinda.
Anyhow, let's see what the first question brings.
Dear Betties;
Why are you all such bitches? Your answers to one of the questions last week made me wonder if you aren't all man hating femanazi lesbians. What gives you the right to be so nasty to someone writing in asking for help? I bet you all tell your wimpy husbands what to do too, don't you? Signed;
Disgusted by Bitchy Betties.
Pina says:
Dear disgusting...I mean disgusted. I'm not even going to justify your ridiculous question with an answer, but I will give you some quick advice: This is the Internet. It is free, and everyone who uses it to write or post their art has the right to do in whatever way they feel. Nobody is telling you to read, nor are we even asking you to read. The fact that you bothered to write in tells me that you probably have very little going on in your own life if you are so disturbed by our little blog. If you don't like our advice, I'm sure we can make it along without your readership. How's that for bitchy? Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Dear Digested, Why do you write the question anonymously....You called me out the day the original blog posted and I blogged about it the next day....If this isnt Hottie Husband asking the question, then thanks for reading and submitting a question! Im not sure what "femanazi lesbians" are and although allegedly there is some German in my blood line, I claim to be Italian and, whats wrong with being a lesbian? One would think you have much in common with one? This in fact is assuming again that you are my husband or one of his Bromancers submitting the question! Also I must say...despite Pinas submission that we would get along well with out your readership....I like the hot drama you bring to the page! NO PUBLICITY IS BAD PUBLICITY....Bite my Lesbian/Gay Loving Ass! In Hunkas defense, I dont think he would Dis a Lesbian after all they enjoy the same cuisine...assuming again that it is a dis or that being femanazi is not complimentary! So, Im pretty sure he didn't submit this question!
~The Bitchy Muffin!
Twills says:
Dear Disgusted,
If I wanted to be verbally abused, I'd go call my mother. I'm trying to remain zen-like, but you're making it extremely hard for me. All this world needs is a little more love and acceptance. I accept your right to be a nasty bitch, and I'd really love it if you were to accept mine.
Love your friend Twills
Dear Betties;
My husband and I have been married for 11 years now, and at the start of our marriage it was sex sex sex. Morning noon and night. Now, despite my best efforts to get his attention for a little love, he either says he's too busy with work, or we end up in the bed for a two minute hump, bump and grunt. I've tried everything!! Sexy lingerie, romantic candle lit dinners and...nothing.Last night I made one final suggestion to try to spice our nearly dead love life - I suggested a threesome with another woman. I'm not bisexual, but I love my husband and I'm willing to do just about anything to get us back to the way we were 11 years ago. Am I crazy?
Signed;
Trying to get my nookie back.
Pina says;
Dear Nookie;
I think you have given your husband a great suggestion to really sink his teeth into. My only advice is be careful! You never know what could be the end result of this little menage a trois you have suggested. You don't want to pick some young hottie that will really get your husband going, because you do NOT want him to expect the little tart to share your bed all the time. As well, it's best if you have control over the experiment from start to finish because you don't want to end up being a spectator either. It would be great if you wrote back to let us know how your attempt at these daring sexcapades. Good Luck!
Muffin Says....Yup, Nookie... You're Crazy! Good Luck with that!
~Not going to Happen w/ Muffins Hunka!
Twills says:
Dear Nookie,
I assume you've run out of batteries as well, and they've stopped selling them in your town? Also that you no longer have any manual dexterity? Hmmm... That's what I thought. A woman has to learn how to take care of herself first! If your physical needs are being met, it will make meeting your emotional needs easier. Lack of orgasm can make any woman turn into a raging, hormonal psycho. Seriously. Give it a try.
Well there you are folks, another enlightening question and answer session with your favourite answer chicks, The Betties.
Feel free to send us YOUR questions, no later than Wednesday night, in we will keep your identity secret (that is if you use your real name) at laynie2@gmail.com.
Welcome to the latest installment of the Bettie's Advice Blog in which you send us tales of your woes, questions or comments and we either tell you to fuck off or set you right. Please mail us at laynie2@gmail.com no later than Wednesday evening. All queries will be kept in the strictest of confidence, unless of course you're hot and you send naked pics. Then we will track you down and stalk you within an inch of your life!
Just kidding.
Sort of.
Please have your questions in no later than Wednesday evening (wherever you live in the world is just fine with us. As Muffin likes to say, 'It's five o'clock somewhere.')
Without further adieu, here are the souls that need our attention this week:
Dear Betties,
I think there may be something wrong with me, you know, sexually. I have recently discovered that I have a fetish for wearing woman's clothes, especially lingerie and shoes. I am married, and I haven't told my wife because we were both raised as Jehovah's Witnesses and are very active in the church. If my fellow Witnesses knew...I'm afraid of what might happen. I'm even terrified to tell my wife... What should I do?
Sincerely,
The Sinner Wears Prada
Twills says:
Dear SWP,
I am quite frankly more disturbed by your religion than your preference for frilly knickers. In my book, any religion that does not accept a human being for the person they are is not one to be bothered with. The basis of most faiths gives human beings a structural framework by which to live in order to make them a more productive member of society. I know many people of all walks of life, and most of them are good, accepting individuals. Not all of these people are religious, and of those who are, they are not of the same religion.
It takes many different kinds of people to make up this big old world, and that's the way it should be. How boring would we be if we all thought in the same way? Anyone who loves you for who you are rather than what you represent will understand and accept whatever it is that makes you truly happy. Do you love your wife, and are kind to her? Do you have a job? Are you a good father? Do you pay your taxes? Do you volunteer your time or funds to charity? These things are the measure of a man and are part of what makes him a good person. Your God doesn't care what you look like. He thinks you're perfect and loves you for the person you are.
Now let's get down to the underlying issue here. You like to wear woman's clothing, but are you fantasizing about men? Are you sexually attracted to your wife or do you secretly fantasize about having sex with men? Do you wish you had tits and a vagina?
I'd say that you probably don't. Just because you want to dress like a chick in your spare time, it doesn't mean that you want to fuck dudes. But if you do? That's okay too.
I'd say you should come clean to your wife. She might be okay with it. You could trade style tips! Do each others' hair! Go shopping together! For her it would be like having a girlfriend, only you are so much more to her. This is a great opportunity for you to share a facet of your deepest inner self, and it might even make you closer. Go for it, dude.
That's all,
Twills
XOXO
Dear SWP.... Prada? Really? I was so hoping you'd say Apple~Bottom Jeans and Boots With da Fur... I'm not really sure what Jehovah would have said , but God wouldn't mind! We are all Gods Creatures made into his likeness with kindness and good! Unless you're Republican...then you're just all hell Fire and Brimstone and just mark my Gay loving liberal words...You're gonna burn in damnation for your eternal life cuz You're pretty much Gay! Republican's don't like the gays, you know unless its them and its a misunderstanding in a bathroom stall....But I digress....Look I get it, I know how sexy the perfect pair of Supergirl Boy Shorts make you feel under that power suit! If your wife Loves you....then she will love you wearing her underwear....if she leaves you....then you don't have to fear if the panties you're wearing are her once a month panties or every day draws....Basically you no longer have to share! What size shoe do you wear? I wear a Boy Size 7....Please tell me you have little feet, I'd love to borrow a pair of your strappy Jimmy Choo's!
The Panty Muffin Loves You!
Pina says:
Dear Sinner Wears Prada;
I'm in agreement with our resident Muff, here on this one. Jimmy Choos are the things most women dream of owning, and if your wife has big feet and you have small ones, you could buy her some Jimmy Choo's (even though they are secretly for you.) Just don't resort to hair pulling to settle wardrobe jealousies. Now, to answer your problem. I don't see a problem, other than your wife not knowing. It sounds to me that you are a consenting adult with a sexual fetish that harms no one, nor threatens anyone's safety. You are entitled to have this fetish AND to act out on it in a place that feels safe and comfortable to you. It seems to me your real problem is you need to share this with your wife. She will have some kind of reaction be it good or bad, but it will no longer be a gorilla of a secret you are carrying on your back. As for your church issue, ( and I use the word "church" liberally here as I feel The witnesses are a backward and brainwashing cult.) I don't know quite what to tell you. Your chances of being accepted as a cross-dresser would not go over well from what I know of the religion.I would start with your wife. Baby steps, SWP, baby steps. Pina
Dear Betties,
I'm concerned about my boyfriend. I think he might be cyber-cheating. He's been chatting a lot on Skype and using social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook a lot... and I know that he has girls on there that I don't know and he says he's been friends with them since before he met me. But this is all he does. He doesn't have hobbies and he's stopped watching tv or talking to me. All he does is stay up really late talking to people on the internet. Should I try to break into his email to see what he's doing?
Sincerely Feels Cheated On
Dear Feels Cheated on....
Muffin doesn't pull punches, I love you all just the same, I have no favorites....the reason you feel cheated on is BECAUSE THE A$$HOLE IS CHEATING ON YOU! YES break into his email, You should have already done this... and while you're at it change his password to "CheatingDick".
Also talk to Miss Hot Pants while signed into his screen name, her reaction to you telling her you want to lick her from head to toe will tell you exactly where their relationship lies! Also schedule a time to meet her and then take him there at the same time ...make a big scene in the bar and then tell him you Toaster'd his Sister....Seriously, he'll freak out way worse thinking you had a relationship with a girl than if you choose to get even with a guy....Oh and its ok if you totally lied on his sister, from this moment on.... his whole family effing hates you anyway!
We will always be here for you girl!
xoxo The Been there Done that... Muffin!
Twills says:
Dear FCO,
Don't go getting all crazy ass. He might not be physically cheating, but he for sure is cheating on you emotionally, which is in fact worse than him sticking it in someone else. For some people, having sex is like scratching an itch. It's the emotional connection he's making with someone else that is the far worse crime. You don't want to go at him all balls to the wall with fury, it makes you look like an asshole when in fact he is the one who's an asshole. Just dump his sorry ass! You don't need that bs in your life, and there are plenty of men in the world for you to have a rattle with until you find one that you can actually stand to be around full time.
My favourite film is Love Actually. This clip sums up cheaters perfectly:
I couldn't find the entire scene on YouTube, but it's well worth watching the entire film. He's making a fool out of you, making a fool out of your life. Don't let him do that to you. You are worth more, and deserve to be treated with more respect. If you are not getting what you need out of a relationship, cut your losses quickly and move on. Every second you spend with the wrong man takes away from your own precious time. It's better to be alone than to be part of a couple and still be lonely. Handle yourself with dignity and grace, and be strong enough to leave him. The Betties have your back.
That's all,
Twills
XOXO
Dear FCO; Twills is right. You feel cheated on because you ARE being cheated on. I have been through this particular scenario, and it hurts as much if not more than knowing he put his dick in someone else. This was a man I told all my deepest secrets, wishes and worries to. And he was on the computer playing games that I know nothing about, but he played with other people, many of them women. He always said the same thing when I asked him to please stop communicating with these women---we're just friends. Stop being paranoid. But FCO, I wasn't just being paranoid when I found his Myspace page password (I didn't even know he had one) where I found blogs, emails, saved chats, and a few other things....like the email he wrote that ended "I love you, always." It wasn't for me. I wasn't being paranoid, and neither are you. There are a lot of lonely people in the world, and the internet has brought people together, some even into marriage. But he has a partner - you. If those women were to say the things to my partner in front of me, say in a bar, (not that I believe they'd have the balls to say that shit out loud) it would not be Okay. It is not Okay in an email, or a text message, or him communicating with these hussies whilst you sit alone, or go to bed alone, or just sit feeling lonely, even when the one you love is ten feet away on that damn computer again. I'm sorry to tell you this, honey, but end it now. Save yourself a lot of pain later on by ending it now and taking a little less pain, because it's not going to change. Mother always said "Once a cheater, always a cheater." And you know what? She was right. Emotional cheating is cheating. Period. Good Luck sugar, you have a hard road ahead of you. Be strong. You can do it!
Pina
Just so you know, I think he deserves a swift and hard kick to the junk. See how romantic he feels after that.
Well folks, here ends another week of the best free advice you will find on the 'net. Remember, if you have a question you need an answer to, send it to laynie2@gmail.com before Wednesday Midnight p.s.t. We'll be back next Friday with two more questions and the Bettie's best advice.
