Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Twills' Pills

So it's confession time here at One For the Road, and boy do I have a confession to make. Something so dark and sinister that... Oh hell. It's really no big deal, and you're going to think I'm a pussy when I tell you what it is anyway:

I have a pathological fear of getting sick with a seasonal cold or flu. Not just because things like this happen. The thought of bronchitis alone can send me into a panic attack! It's not just the fevers, the aching, the snot and the phlegm. It's the antibiotics.

Yes, people. I'm scared of pills. It's part of the reason why I had three kids before I turned 27! I can't swallow them, for one thing. I am psychologically incapable of swallowing medication. My brain just makes my throat close up tighter than a tween at a chastity convention. Not just the physical act of swallowing tablets or capsules, but the very words "tablets" and "capsules" just gross me out anyway. Period.

If the actual (gag) antibiotic (gag) pill (gag) is not enough to make you want to run screaming from the room, think of the side effects. Itchy skin. Black, hairy tongue. Yeast infections. EWWWW!!!!!!!! Why, why in the name of Buddha would anyone want to take a medicine that makes you need to take more medicine that you have to shove up your hoochie? Especially when you're already ill and miserable to begin with?!

Though you all know that in my life everything is about me, so when it's all about me it has to be worse than it could ever be for you. Because not only do I have a fear of being sick, and a fear of taking medicine... I'm allergic to certain kinds of medicine. So that when I get something like Bronchitis, I don't just get to take the ordinary antibiotics that most people get to take. Hells no.

I get to come out of that pharmacy with a big old box that says, "Canada's Leading Treatment for Chlamydia". Not only do I have to take the medicine for the clap, it has to say it all over the box because there is no generic version that I can take. And! I live in a town where the population is less than 2000, and there is only one drugstore. A drugstore where people that I know and see all the time are working.

When I get sick, I am traveling. When I go to pick up my clap meds, I'm out driving to the next town, or hell even into the city so that I can pick them up and still remain slightly anonymous. The amount of fossil fuels I burn are nothing compared to the unbelievable feeling of treating my Chlamydia away from the prying eyes of my fellow townsfolk.

Yes, I know I don't actually have Chlamydia! But what if I did? They'd be talking about it for years! I still haven't lived down the time I went to pick up the kids from school in a mini-dress with electric blue tights, or that time my two year old yelled out, "Hello you old lady!" to one of the women collecting for the Salvation Army at Christmas time... There were those few incidences at the pub where there was whiskey and dancing on tables involved. Or the time that I told the Jehovah's Witness octogenarian to fuck off...

Add The Clap into that mix and dammit, I'd have to move! I'm just not ready to come out of the Chlamydia Closet yet. How about you? Discuss.

That's all,



  1. Thank God I'm only afraid of Squirrels! I hear Lice Shampoo Kills Crabs!

  2. Squirrels!!! Then don't watch the new version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Creepy!

  3. My sister used to (and I think still does) has to have her pills chopped up or crushed into jelly or jam. Not me. I can pop 'em without water. It started with the tasty baby aspirin....Well, I guess we know which child my parents felt would have "drug issues"
    Hope your clap clears up soon.

  4. Jam! I didn't ever think of that. But what about the ones that have the vile coating on them?

  5. Oh, and I forgot. My raging case of the clap is starting to feel better!

  6. haha! I guess my daughter's complaints about pill swallowing might be valid. Here I thought she was a drama queen. ;)

    I do believe I know the town you speak of. I've lived there my whole life (all..gulp, 33 years) and guess what; you'll never live anything down. Accept it. Embrace it. Do whatever you can to ensure their chin stays firmly planted on the ground, catching flies. Makes things more interesting.

    PS Blue tights?

  7. ELECTRIC blue tights.

    No clap comments. I've been out of the Navy almost 40 years.

  8. Are Crabs and The Clap the Same thing?

  9. Renee: You've heard something about my clap, haven't you? And yes, blue tights. I have an incredible array of different colours and textures of tights and leggings... Have to wear them when I shop in other towns.

    T: No please, do tell. ;)

    Brans: They absolutely are NOT! I might rather have the clap than crotch crustaceans.

  10. I don't have any problem with pills. Anything to cure the nasty colds, and flu I live in fear of. You will never meet anyone worse about germs.
    I had someone tell me at work: "You know what your problem is? You are a germaphobe" Well Duh. I took that as a compliment.

    I could do a whole blog post about barf and my fear of it.

  11. You don't know how many hours per week I spend scrubbing the toilet. Especially after people have been sick.

    Germs. Gawd, I hate them.

    I should tell you sometime about the time when my mother in law came over and flopped a raw chicken right ON the counter. I'm still not over it.


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