It's Friday: Why Not Shake That A$$?

You didn't think I could stay away for long, did you Minions?  It's Friday night.  Why not shake what your mama gave you to the sound of Kardinal Offishall (Toronto represent!) w/Akon?  It's tough to be derogatory and complimentary at the same time, no?

I hope you're all having a great summer thus far.  The Betties will be touching base with you again soon.  In the meantime, dance.  ♪ ♫ Those stretch marks on your hips are just bungee cords bringing you back when you dip ♪ ♫

That's all,

Twills

XOXO *shakes ass*

Wednesdays Don't Suck!

Dearest Minions,


Have you seen my snark? I've lost her. I have nothing to rant about this week, I had nothing to rant about last week, and I will most likely not have anything to rant about next week, either. The thing is, Minions, I'm not cranky. I've been in a good mood for so long now that I can't even seem to remember what it was like to be a cranky bitch.

The sun is shining, the weather is perfect, and I'd much rather be lounging around in the sun with a book and a cocktail than I would sitting here in front of my pc. So you'll have to forgive your Betties for their lack of attention. I'm sure when fall starts in and Canada begins to settle in to wait for the depressing onslaught of winter, that we will then be more diligent about writing and also reading your blogs.

Fridays will most likely remain the same. However, this other "thing" that we do here at One For the Road, (and let's call a spade a spade people, we write a few sentences and intersperse it with cuss words and overt sexuality), will likely wane until such a time as we feel inspired to put that type of pure filth forth again.

So you must bear with us while we're out living real lives. Though by the lack of comments of late, I can tell that you're all out there living real lives as well. Please go out, have fun, get into trouble, and then email us your problems at laynie2@gmail.com so that we can try to boss you around.


That's all,

Twills
XOXO-here, have a song. An incredibly misogynistic song, but catchy none the less.

Anonymous Monday

I have a noise in my head. It's incessant, it's pervasive... I want it to stop! Voila, voulez-vous vuvuzela avec moi, ce soir?









Is it just me, or is everything that man said in the clip extremely dirty? I can't seem to get enough horn action, either!

Tell me, minions, if you were there, what would you do, where would you put the vuvuzela so that you would never have to hear one again?


That's all,

Twills
XOXO(get your horn action out of my face)

Anonymous Monday

The Burn

Oh, Chlamydia
The Clap is a happy name
For this searing burn


-fin-

Monday, Minions!  What we want this week is haiku in the comments.  Entertain us.  Now, shoo!

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Betties present: the Friday Q & A

Good morning minions. Let's get down to business and dish out some helpful advice to someone that thinks the Betties are wise. (doesn't everyone)

So for those who don't know, Friday is the day we take one of the questions sent into us at Laynie2@gmail.com, and we answer it based on our vast knowledge and empathetic hearts. So if you have a question, come on! send it in. What could it hurt?

So, our question this week is about a young girl who needs some guidance on how to proceed with her life. Here we go:



Dear Betties,

I am a 15 year old girl and I think there is something wrong with me. I can't talk to my parents or any of my friends because I am sure they would totally freak out on me and I'd be in a worse position than I am now.
So here is my problem: I think I'm a lesbian.
I am not attracted to boys, and while my friends are all settling into their high school romances, I am left on my own. To make things worse, I think I'm in love with my best friend.
Recently at a sleepover we all got into a conversation about kissing, and we played an all girl version of spin the bottle. Most girls just gave each other a peck on the lips, but when my best friend spun the bottle and it landed on me, she gave me a deep tongue kiss. I thought I was going to die I was so happy. My whole body tingled, and I hoped like crazy that we would get to do that again. It didn't happen, but some of the girls started joking and calling us Lesbos and Dykes. My best friend just laughed it off, but I felt sick to my very soul. Now all I can do is think about kissing her. My grades are suffering and my parents keep asking me if it's a boy that's distracting me.
I feel so lonely and so left out. I want to tell my best friend how I feel about her, but I'm afraid she'll laugh or say she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I would die if that happened.
I don't know what to do.
Please help me, Betties, your advice is always so good, maybe you can help me.



signed;

Am I a Lesbian?

Pina says:

Dear baby Lesbo,

There are a couple of things that could be the answer to your problem. The first is that yes, you are a Lesbian. There is nothing to be ashamed of, or sorry for. I believe people are born with their sexuality pre-determined, and that may be what your sexuality is. Things have changed a lot since my high school days when being called a Lesbian could get you beat up. Now, Gay young Men and Women are taking their same sex partners to prom. There are lots of support groups for gays and Lesbians. You didn't say if you live in a big or a small town, but there are many resources to help you through this trying time that would probably help you figure out how to tell your parents.
The most important thing is that you understand you are not a freak, or any of those names cruel teenagers come up with.
Start by Googling support groups for Gays and Lesbians and Transgendered people and groups in your area, and perhaps look into getting an inexpensive therapist that you may be able to get your parents to support to help.
I wish you the best of luck, and the fact that you know where your feelings are at this early an age may be helpful in helping you accept who and what you are.

Good Luck!

Twills Says:

Dear Am I?

There is nothing wrong with you.  At all.  I tend to think that young people are too young to have predetermined labels about who they are.  There is nothing wrong with being a homo, as there is nothing wrong with being straight.  Likewise, there is nothing wrong with just loving who  you love without needing to name it.  You don't have to be a lesbian to love another chick.  You don't have to be straight to love a dude.  It's more about the person behind the parts.  Even I have been known to have a kiss or a crush or three on a girl, and The Twills likes the dick, no question about that.

I would confide in your best friend.  If she can't accept that you have tingly lady-bits when you think about kissing her, then she is not the person that you thought she was.  She is your bff for a reason, and I'm sure that she loves you no matter what you fantasize about doing to her, whether that is just on a friends-only basis or something more.  Let us know how it goes.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO (wanna make out?)

What Sucks Wednesday

I'm lazy this week, minions.  It's hot this morning, and I realise that there is nothing in this world that will turn your kids into raging assholes as much as babysitting another kid will do.  Two kids, four kids, six kids.... They're fine.  3, 5, or 7 kids will fight tooth and nail.  Why the heck is that?

My brain is not functioning properly this morning, though I am on cuteness overload from secretly listening to their conversations.  However, I'm like a fucking referee from UFC trying to keep my own two kids off of each other lest they should tear their cousin in half in order to secure his attention.

The baby is not included in this.  Apparently when you're under the age of five you don't count.  He is happy even though he's being deliberately excluded.  Then again, the big kids don't want to talk about boobs or re-enact scenes from Adventures in Babysitting.  Big kids also seem to know that you probably shouldn't draw both dicks and boobs on snowmen.  Oh, the glamourous life of a House Milf!

So I know what sucks this Wednesday.  Children SUCK the LIFE out of you!  Tell me something funny in the comments.  Make my day better!

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Happy Friday, Minions,
Here I am, Pina.
There have been some questions that imply that I do not really exist, that I am a Betties alter ego, the one they can blame all their grammatical mistakes, bad punctuation, and low readership on.
So I am going to tell you a little bit about myself (not too much, because I've already had a stalker or two, and a lot of my life is none of your business, frankly.
Like our gorgeous Twills, I too am Canadian, but I'm on the other coast from her, over here a few hours north of Seattle. Twills is a little more snarky than me, and I tend to shoulder the majority of the sarcasm. I've always been sarcastic, and it's gotten to the point I have been sarcastic for so long that all my tones of voice sound the same- full of wit and sarcasm.
I am always honest, and what you see here on blogger or facebook is exactly what I am.
I've never told anyone I weigh 120. cause I don't.
I'm not going to tell you I model in my spare time, cause I don't.
I'm no MILF, like our Twills. (Mostly because my uterus is moving around like a tumbleweed in there) but also because Twills is hot enough to get assaulted by old men wielding meat, where as I get pinched on the ass on the crowded train.
I think I have a good sense of humour, and so do the two or three friends I have.
I live alone with my three cats (go ahead, asshat, make the little old lady with too many cats jokes)
I have three blog sites, some that are family safe, some that are a little more raunchy, and some of them are artistic and creative. At least I hope they are. I have been blogging here and on myspace for well over 4 years now, and while I have been slow to add a lot to this page, I will be making a better effort to post more often.
I think that's a fair introduction to me, and it fits in with this week's theme:
Instead of having us answer a question that someone mailed into us at Laynie2@gmail.com, we are going to allow you, our readers, the chance to ask us anything you want. If you feel shy, go ahead and be anonymous. We will do our best to answer every question, but try to be relatively clean, OK folks? You're not going to find out id the curtains match the carpet if you ask me.
Let's just try and have some fun, and you can get to know Twills and I better, making you more informed Betties minions.
Go ahead- give us your best.

Love;
The Betties
XOXOX(Questions only, NO touching)

Wednesdays: Why People Suck

The weather is warming up in my part of Canada.  This is a really long process it seems, but we're getting there, finally.  I tend to dress in layers.  Tank, shirt, sweater, jacket... that sort of deal.  You need to do this, because you never know when you're going to start sweating, or when you'll catch a cool breeze and the headlights come on.  What?  It happens!

Since the mornings are still so cold and the afternoons are sometimes sweltering, you do run the risk of breaking out into a sweat before you even realise that you need to remove a layer, however.  You've got to watch out for that because no one wants a Milf with sweaty armpits!  Decidedly not hot.

There is always that one asshole though.  The kind of asshole who will look at your Milfy flop-proof outfit, and that asshole will say, "Aren't you hot?"  Asshole, who the fuck cares?  Of course I'm *hot*, though not temperature-wise.  I am fucking vampire, okay?  I'm a lizard!  I have Renaud's Disease!  I'm perpetually cold and it matches well with my cold, black heart you fecking eejit!  I was a cutter and my arms are ugly from the scars!  I have tattoos and I'm on the way to the nursing home!  My body does not contain fully-oxygenated blood and I have bad circulation combined with low blood pressure!  I don't feel like taking this jacket off because it's new and it defines my waist nicely and makes me look thinner!  Plus I spilled mustard on my boobs at lunch.

Pick one or more of the above.  Does it matter to you if I'm feeling warm in my clothing?  It is none of your damned business if I'm hot.  Or cold.  Or full of chicken pox!

It's Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth.  People who ask other people whether or not they are hot?  They suck.  Tell me, minions.  Who sucks?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Anonymous Monday

Monday, minions!  I'm way too chipper for a Monday.  It's almost as if I woke up and jumped out of bed like a poptart jumps out of a toaster.  Clearly there is something wrong with me!  Where is my bitch?

Let us make that the question of the day.  Where is your bitch and why didn't she show up?  

That's all,

The Betties

XOXO(enjoy the eye candy)

Betties Q & A

Happy Friday!D  No foreplay today, we'll proceed right to the main event.  You send us your questions to laynie2@gmail.com, and we answer them here on Fridays.  Keep the mail coming!  We like your feedback as much as we like your comments each week.

Dear Betties,

OMG!  I just caught my neighbour's kid making out in the back yard...  She's 14!!!!!  Should I tell?..... Every teenager sneaks out, right?  

Signed,

Nosy Parker

Twills Says:

Dear Nosy Bitch,

Lighten up!  As long as it seems like she's consenting then there's not an issue.  If they were fucking in the back yard, then perhaps I'd say something, even though it would still be none of my business.  If you turn her in now then you're kind of an asshole.  Don't you remember what it was like to be 14?  Leave the poor girl alone!

Pina says:
I'm with Twills on this one. Unless the girl was making out with your husband or the family dog, why are you watching anyhow? How do you know her parents don't already know?Basically, this is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and no one likes a nosy twat for a neighbour.

Dear Betties,

My husband and I have been married for 15 yrs now, and I am starting to feel like the marriage is slipping.  We don't do things together anymore; we hardly talk and we never make love more than once a month.  I am still in love with him and want to save my marriage; what should I do?

Signed,

Stalemate

Twills says:

Dear Stale,

Try telling him the truth about how you feel.  Obviously you've been together a long ass time, you should be able to tell him anything at this point without fear.  I'm sure that if he were aware of how you are feeling, you could both take active steps to improve your relationship and to reconnect on a different level.

Whoa!  Look at me with the grown up advice!  If that doesn't work, offer to swing.  I'm pretty sure watching you fuck his best friend while he fucks your best friend would bring the spice back into the relationship real fast.

Pina says:
Dear Stale;
Communication is key in this issue. If you have been married for 15 (I am assuming good) years, than you should be able to tell him how you feel, see how he is feeling, and perhaps talk about what you can do as a couple to improve each others feelings on the whole subject..
Of course there is always the chance that it is over for him, he's doing his secretary, and he just hasn't had the balls to tell you. If that is the case, get yourself a good lawyer and take the cheating bastard for everything you can.

Well, here endeth another week of sage advice from The Betties. You may ask what qualifies us to give anyone advice and here's why- it has happened to us. All of it.
We have been cheated on, lied to and may have been on the bad guy side of some issues. So, we feel with all our life experience, we can give good, honest advice.
Don't dig the advice? What are you still reading for anyhow?
Until the next batch of questions comes in to Laynie2@gmail.com, try to play nice with each other and we will be back next week with more extremely helpful advice.

Love;
The Betties

XOXO (You could lose an eye trying to touch us)

Wednesdays: What Sucks?

Good morning minions!  I'm willing to bet that because it's Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth, that you're wondering why today sucks.  Am I right?  Here at One For the Road, we don't just wait for you to wonder what sucks, we just tell you; this week however, we're going to let someone else tell The Betties what sucks.

Loyal reader Louminator seems to know, as he made this comment on Monday:

Jacob Lewis said...

I can tell you What Sucks on Wednesday. No blogs from the Betties! Get better already!

Well Lou, to tell you the truth there are not enough antibiotics in the world to keep us Betties in fine form it seems.  So today, the thing that sucks is that The Betties have been neglecting you.  How will you ever function without at least a weekly dose of snark?  You need more Milf Lessons!  Haven't you been dying to know the answers to all of the love questions you've been sending to laynie2@gmail.com?

The Betties have been remiss, if you must know.  We've been neglecting your mental health, we've been letting you drive your kids to school in your minivan wearing pajama bottoms.  One of you was thinking of going to the salon to get The Kate Gosselin hacked onto your head!  For shame!  Don't do it, bitches!  The Betties are back, and there's a change coming.

Now minions, it's Wednesday.  What sucks for you, right here, right now?  We need to know these things, and we need to know them now.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Again, still dealing with family health issues, there will be no anonymous Monday. Sorry, everyone, I know how disappointed you are.
See you Wednesday for What Sucks Wednesday.

Until then, beat it, lurkers!

Love, The Betties.
XOXO (I'll beat you with a pack of ribs if you touch me)

On this fine day, The Betties would like to wish you all a very happy Mother's Day.  We hope you received the gift of multiple orgasms with your breakfast in bed.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Betties Q & A

Due to a family medical emergency, the Betties will not be answering any questions today, but we will be back here next week at the same time, same snark.

Love,

The Betties.

XOXO (Get that needle away from my butt!!)

Why People Suck: Perverts

Everyone knows that I love a pervert.  I come from a family in which sexual assault is a normal form of greeting.  Instead of a "Hello", you might possibly be groped or fondled.  Though I should say, this is just the women. The men are more apt to tell you how sexy you've been looking lately.

I do love perversion and perverted jokes are my favourite, but I do know that there are times when it goes too far.  I was alone at the grocery store on Sunday, which is pure fucking heaven. You child-free people don't understand how fucking awesome it is to be able to caress the melons and give the loaves a good squeeze.  From across the aisle I saw an old dude that I knew, and I couldn't resist yelling out, "Hey good looking!".  That was my mistake.

Not only did he hug me, *shudder*  (don't touch The Twills unless I'm having sex with you or I gave birth to you, please), he also told me how good I was looking.  Duh.  That I didn't look like I'd had three kids at all because I was sooooo sexy.  My body is slammin', he said, only in old man language.  All this was well and good, because who the fuck doesn't want to be told that they're one fine assed bitch?

All of this was funny and greatly amusing to me, but I said my goodbyes and continued on in my fruit molesting mode...  Then I had to reach up to the top shelf for something, and the old dude slapped me on the ass WITH A PACKAGE OF RIBS!!!  He told me that my ass is just as hot as it was when we met.  WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN!!!  Gross!  Pervs like him give the rest of us a bad name!!!

I thought, "Well at least it wasn't a pinch", but then I remembered that it was a package of fucking salmonella infused PORK.  *puke*  I don't even eat that shit, I don't want to be slapped on the ass with it.  And what was he doing looking at my teenage ass when he's in his seventies?!!!

The fine line between perv and creep had been crossed, and there is no going back.  So for this week's "Why People Suck", I'm going to start and say that creepy pervs suck.  Tell me Minions, who sucks?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO (get that meat off my ass)

P.S.  Don't forget to submit your questions/comments to laynie2@gmail.com so that we can dole out some snark for Friday.  

*Image swiped from here.

Twills' Homage to Bad Boys

What is it about men? Show me a fancy gentleman in an argyle sweater vest and I will scarcely check to see if he's cute or has junk in his trunk. Nice, safe boys? No fun. What I love is a bad boy.

It seems almost a given that I have either been with you or will have been into you if you share any one of the following attributes:

--You're in a band. Heck yes. A boy once told me that girls fall for guitarists all the time because they have hot licks and fast fingers. *nods*

--You've been given the gift of sarcasm. You are a smart ass. You have a dry sense of humour. You are witty and love to make fun of people in such a way as they don't necessarily understand that you're doing it. As long as you direct that at other people and not at me, you make me hot.  We have guys like that right here at One For the Road, and I'm sure they'll be joining us soon, in the comments. ;)

--You have tattoos. Hell, even if they're on your FACE. Even if they're stupid... It seems I will fall for you.

--Have you ever been to jail? That's hot.

--Are you punk as fuck? We can be punk as fuck together.

--Do you have a motorcycle?  Alternatively, do you drive a big old rusty farm truck?  Yes, I've fallen for that, too.  Both.

--Were you once a manwhore?  Do you think that a good idea for foreplay is to tell me details about other chicks that you've slept with?  Yeah, I think I've dated you too.

--You don't have a job?  That's okay, you can come live with me.

--Oh, but you still live with your parents?  Sure, we can make out in their basement!

--Do you commonly speak in Ebonics even though you white as Minute Rice?  Ima be up on yo ass.

--Why yes, I do like the occasional left-handed cigarette, thank you very much.

--You've got a fast car?  I've got a plan to get us out of here.

There is just something about a bad boy.  They're dangerous.  I don't want to save them, but I want them to have saved themselves.  Not to fix them because I think they're damaged; I don't want to apply myself to them like a poultice.  I love them for who they are:  dark, mysterious past included.  

Now tell me ladies, Dapper Dandy or Bad Boy, and why?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Anonymous Monday

Alright all you creepy stalkers. We see you hanging around our blog, poking at it with your wannabe witty comments yet for some reason you do not comment.
We have given you topics, we have given you free reign. Neither seems to draw you out with enough guts to comment.
No one forces you to come and read, and though we do write for ourselves, we post it to amuse or inform or entertain you, and yet again, we get no comments.

I see one reader who consistently comments, someone I don't know, perhaps a good friend of Twills, but I do not know Jacob. I wanted to thank him for his kind comments the other day, and that is what has given me an idea for the anonymous topic.

Why do you bother to read yet not comment?Is it simply more fun to read and just move on without even saying we suck? and if you do feel that way, why are you here at all?

Since you can be anonymous on this day, let's have it. Your love, your hate, whatever it is that keeps you stalking around this blog.

Go.

-Pina XOX (Get that hand away from me)

It's Betties Q & A Day!

Happy, wonderful, delicious Friday, Betty-lovers. It's time for another installment of our infamous advice column, and damn, have we got something for you. Seriously, I don't know where we dig up these people, but of course we never reveal our sources or tell people that they're freaks. (Unless they're really freaky). Send us your questions/concerns/comments/favourite sexual positions to laynie2@gmail.com and we'll get back to you, anonymously, right here each week. Let us get on with the business of telling you how things are.

Dear Betties,

My girlfriend is really wild in bed, but last week she surprised me by putting her finger in my asshole and I have never cum so hard in my life. I want her to do it again, but I don't want to admit that I liked it. I've never been attracted to guys, but since I did really like ass play, am I gay?

-Back Door Guy-

Twills Says,

Dear Anal Lover,

Let's see...  Your girlfriend, by definition, is a girl, n'est-ce pas?  Not a dude dressed as a girl?  Does she have soft skin and dainty hands?  Does she have *gasp* a vagina?  Because I'm going out on a limb with this one... that unless your girlfriend is a guy, then you're not gay.  You just like it when she milks your prostate, which is entirely natural and though I have no prostate of my own, I'm sure is quite pleasurable.   Just unclench your butt cheeks and submit.  And don't be such a frigging baby!

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Pina says,

I'm with Twills on this one. If what you have on your hands is really a woman, than you should really have no problem.
Do some experimenting. If you liked the little bit of ass play, perhaps you and your gal should experiment a little bit more. Check out a sex store together, read some erotica to each other, learn what else you like. There's a whole lot of sex to be had out there, and while finding out what you like, you can totally enjoy yourself along the way.
(I suggest starting out with some small anal beads)


Good luck and enjoy!

Readers, join in and help our friend out, maybe by sharing some of your funkier sexcapades!

Well gentle friends, here ends another fun and fulfilling Friday. Remember, send us your questions to laynie2@gmail.com, and we will give you the solution to your problems, or maybe just a good old talking to if you're doing what you shouldn't be.


Love,
The Betties

XOX(definitely no touching)

*Twills edit:  Pina, how we gonna get all up on them if we don't touch them?

Why People Suck: Wednesdays

I'm sure you all have people like this friended on Facebook.  Breeders.  People who have albums upon albums full of pictures of their kids.  I know I do; I'm guilty of this myself.  However, I also have a few friends/distant relatives that are caption-happy.

Not only do they have hundreds of pictures of their baby, they like to write captions under them, too.  Not only do they write captions like, "This one was taken at Grandma's house", they like to write captions from the baby's point of view.  Things like, "I am loving being at Grandma's house right now!"  Or, "Here I am looking cute in my new shirt!".

Ugh.  Stop.  Now.

It's all just a little too twee.  If they were writing captions like, "Fuck this shit", "Get me the fuck away from these assholes", "Want BOOB!!!!", or the ever popular "I'm about to shit myself", it might actually be accurate.  Babies do not currently have a point of view!  Sooner or later, they will have a one and when they do I hope it's to rail against your fuckery!  At which point do these people come to the realisation that their cooing through the bars of the crib actually mirrors a bystander looking through the bars on the windows of an insane asylum, watching a patient? There is a very, very fine line between cutesy and lunacy.

People who narrate their baby pictures.  They suck.  Since it is Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth:  Why do people suck?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Ms. Twills If You're Nasty

The Betties have been called "FemiNazi Lezbots" before.  Shocking, I know.  Offensive?  Not really.  The word "Nazi" is offensive, but by it's definition The Betties are in no way affiliated with Nazi principles, obviously, so I really wouldn't take offense to anything so blatantly untrue. 

Lezbots.  Well, that's a different one.  Lesbian + Robot = Lezbot, is that what we're aiming at?  To call someone a lesbian, or to deny that oneself is a lesbian implies that there is something wrong with being a lesbian.  Therefore, I will not even justify this "insult" by refuting it.  The Betties love them some gays, let me tell you.

Feminist.  Now that's a word I can get into.  Yes, readers.  I do self-describe as a feminist; and why not?  Just because I care deeply about the rights of women (and by extension, children) around the world does not mean that I fit into the stereotypical feminist role.

For instance, you will never catch me with hairy armpits or wearing a lumberjack coat.  I like to use words like hooker, slut, bitch and whore and though I realise how damaging words and labels like this are, I'm not so strict as to discontinue them in my vocabulary when saying them gives me such pleasure.  Bitches.  See?  It rolls off the tongue so nicely.  (Though if you want to talk to me about your period I will cut a bitch down, okay?  Just sayin'.)

Ever since I was a very young child, I have used the title "Ms." instead of "Miss". My mother was dead set against it and tried to discourage me.  She always said that the title "Ms." was for divorced women.  It was said mildly yet firmly, but what it really meant was, "The title 'Ms.' is for divorced women, and divorced women have loose morals so I don't want you to be associated with them."  And damn, wasn't she right?  When she became a divorced woman twenty years later she did become a woman with loose morals!  The irony!  (And it was about time, quite frankly!)

Ms. Twills if you're nasty.  One of my own personal theme songs.  How much better would this have been if Janet had said "Ms." instead of "Miss"?  Gyrating and sexuality included.  *nods*

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Bettie's Friday Q and A

Hello folks. It's Friday, and that means we have a question sent in by a reader to Laynie2@gmail.com who thinks we can solve her problem.

Can we solve her problem? Of course we can! We're The Betties. What the hell else do you think we are good at besides giving advice and blogging about our over-exciting lives??

So, on with the healing.

Dear Betties;

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a very long time, and just can't seem to get the bun into the oven.
I finally convinced him we needed to go see a specialist to see if there was something wrong with one or both of us.
After a myriad of tests, being poked, prodded and filled with hormones, we were called in for the results.
Apparently, my vagina destroys my husband's sperm the minute the little buggers swim in there, and they send out the "ATTACK and DESTROY" command.
Of course that's not how he said it, but the point is, his sperm is weak, and my vagina is a hostile environment for his seed.
There is a good chance we will never be able to conceive.
My husband and I are both heartbroken, and I feel incredibly ashamed of my bear trap of a vagina.
Have you heard of this before? Is there anything you know of that we can do?
I really need some advice!

signed,

Vicious Vagina.

Pina says:

Dear VV;

I am sorry to hear of your problem, and yes, I have heard of it before. You could go a few different ways with this.

The first piece of advice I have for you is to try the Lesbian Turkey Baster Impregnation. If it is simply your vagina that is hostile, a turkey baster full of your husband's best swimmers might make it past and into your uterus, impregnating you.
This is not a sure-fire answer, and it may take several tries.

Your second, and much more expensive route is in-vitro fertilization. This can cost tens of thousands of dollars, and there is no guarantee here either.

A third and wonderful idea would be to consider adoption. There are thousands of children wanting parents as much as you are wanting to have children.

I wish you luck with whichever choice you make, and I hope you achieve your goal.

Good Luck.

Twills says,

Dear Va-jay -jay,

You're asking us as if we're medical professionals.  Though I am very self-righteous and kind of a know-it-all, I am not a medical professional.  If you're a narcissist and also quite rich, try I.V.F.  You could also just try the old fashioned way, fuck like the dickens (why isn't this a commonly used expression?) and babies just usually happen by accident.

Yes, and adopt.  You can start a mini-United Nations right at home.  You can get one child from every continent if you want.  You can be like Madonna or Brangelina!

Something else you might want to consider is hanging out around the local high school, looking for pregnant teens, Glee styles.  You can even wear a fake baby bump like Terry did on Glee, and when the results of the teenage love tryst is born, pretend that it's yours!  No one will ever know.

Hope this helps.  And seriously, talk more to your doctor.  If you don't like what he or she has to say, go to a different one.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Until next time, bitches.  Betties out.

Anonymous Monday

Once again, I've got a communicable disease, people.  Not The Clap this time, though.  I've got the conjunctivitis!  Doesn't that sound sexy?  

I'm miserable!  Make me laugh so hard that I cry, because right now, I really just want to cry.  Not only because I have posted a picture of Avril Lavigne *shudder*  I used to go to the same church as that bitch occasionally, back in the day.  They were the pew-jumping, tongue-speaking, "feeling the spirit of Jesus rushing through your body" kind of congregation.  So it's no wonder the poor thing turned out the way she did!  Picture her in this type of environment next time you see that stupid camera commercial of hers, or have to suffer through one of her songs.  See?  I just made myself feel better by dissing a 'celebrity'.  Let's dis celebrities today.  Go!

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Betties Day?

Happy Friday, gentle readers. Our very popular Betties Day will not be featured this week, as we are spending the day doing "site maintenance". We hope to hop right back on that horse next week, and in the meantime you can send your questions, comments or general bitchiness to laynie2@gmail.com.

Sincerely,

The Betties

XOXO

(harder!)

*wicked as f@#$ image courtesy of Deviant Art*

Why People Suck

Do you really, really want to know why people suck?  People suck because they never know what day of the week it is.  Certain people even forget to put the kids' karate belts in their backpacks before school, because they don't even realise that it's Wednesday.  Some people suck so hard that they don't post blogs in the morning because they think it's Tuesday again.  That is how much people suck.  So you tell me.  Why do people suck, for you, today?

This is Twills*.  Rollin' in her Mom-mobile, pretending like she knew it was Wednesday all along and that she was totally prepared.  Frontin' like Dilf didn't just buy her a minivan yesterday and that's why she wrote that post last week. 

*People who talk about themselves in the third person suck donkey chocha.  Yes.  Chocha.  Heh.

Anonymous Monday

Happy Monday, bitches.  We all know Monday is the worst day of the week, so let's talk about something that will put us into a really good mood.  The Betties would like to know when you last had some afternoon delight.  Join us in a song, then spill the details in the comments.  Remember to post as "Anonymous".

That's all,

The Betties

XOXO

(close the blinds!)

It's Q and A Friday, folks!!

Hey there loyal and new readers! It's Friday, one of the Bettie's favourite day, as you write to us with a question about your life (ALWAYS anonymous), and we get to tell you what to do.Questions are sent to Laynie2@gmail.com by Wednesday night, and we will get out our advice paraphernalia and crystal love balls and give it our best shot- Bettie style.

Question one:



Dear Betties,

I have a problem that I think I may have caused myself, and I'm wondering if you can help me. A while ago, a friend that I have (we're sort of friends with benefits-if you know what I mean) had just got himself a brand spanking new TV. I asked him what he was doing with his old TV (a nice 32' flat screen) and he said, "Nothing. You want it?) Did I want a free flat screen TV? Oh Hell yeah I did! We went on about our night together which ended with us sleeping together. This was not new, we had been sleeping together on and off for two and a half years.
When I woke up the next morning and loaded my great new TV into my car, I began to wonder to myself.

Was I a Whore?

I had just slept with someone and had received what could be thought of as payment in my great new TV. I wondered if that was different from taking money, or was it just a great deal that got me laid (which I liked) and a new TV came that came that my way.

What do you say Betties? Am I a hooker? Did I just turn a trick, or did I just get a TV from a friend? Please help, I'm feeling so confused.

Signed;

Hooker? or Friends with Benefits?

Twills Says,

Hooker, please.  Why are people constantly asking The Betties if they're promiscuous?  It's not as if it's a problem.  Total non-issue for me.  I don't necessarily think you're a prostitute, you're just a slut.  That said, you might as well get paid for it since you were going to hand that poon out all over town anyway.  Just spread your sleaze and not the disease.  You might as well buy the wholesale box of condoms, because I feel sure that you will need them.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Pina says;

Twills and I are on the same page here, too.I don't think you are a hooker, but it does seem kinda cheap to have sex and get presents out of it. Then again, hell, if someone wants to give you a swanky new TV and it's two consenting adults, then you go big, sister! Betties love presents, and obviously you are good at the art of love. Take the TV and enjoy!

Until next week, everyone.  Betties out.

Betties Blender~Its a Mixed up Martini World

In honor of Thursday I the Muffin declare it Thirsty Thursday! If that aint FEM enough then Put on Your Pearls Betties, Im feeling the cocktail hour is among us!
Its Five O'clock Somewhere:

thirst·y (thûrst)
adj. thirst·i·er, thirst·i·est
1. Desiring to drink.
2. Arid; parched: thirsty fields.
3. Craving something: thirsty for news.
4. Very absorbent: a thirsty sponge.
thirsti·ly adv.
thirsti·ness n.


So whats this Thirsty Thursday Shizz all about? Its the Muffins gift to the Bettie's!
Again one of those "Hope You the Loyal Reader" are feeling the interactive call of a Blog that longs to know what you Thirst For! Its not a Gimmick....Its the Muffins Blog and very well may undergo several transformations in its rise to the top of the Blog Popularity Poll.....Oh Im talking about the which Bettie You Like Better...
SHAMELESS PLUG: Pick Muffin

No you don't have to send the requests for Thirsty Thursday to Laynie2@gmail.com
But your ask the Bettie's advise questions are preferred there!

Examples of Thirst may include but are not limited to:

Cocktail Recipes:

2 Shots of Grey Goose Vodka (Or Cheaper Vodka if the economy has got ya down...)
2 Shots Vermouth (Optional if you just wanna Vodka it)

2 Spanish Queen Olives on a cute stir stick of some sort or not
(set aside for a hot effin second)
2 - 1/2 Tsp of Olive Juice
2 Martini Glasses (Or Red Solo Cups)
1 Bar Shaker `I have several so pick your favorite

The Vodka and Vermouth go in the shaker with a few chunks of ice: Shake or Schwirl* (*pronunciation after one) depending on your personal feeling about bruising the Vodka...if that's even possible...I actually get bruises from Vodka...So I shake the fucker!
Take one olive per glass and pour the Shaken Liquid of Love in equal parts over the olives in the Martini Glasses
Take the 1/2 tsp of Olive Juice and pour in each Glass of Liquid Love
Let it breath for a Hot Second and then drink ~Limit for the Muffin is 2!
Well it used to be, until the Pimentos which I described at the time in a very very whining voice as "palmettos", shot out my nose via the Liquid Love Induced Puking!
So just be careful....and: Know, that I will never eat Olives again!


Perhaps Your Thirst is for Knowledge: Topic suggestions are welcome in the comments and I'll do my best or another Bettie will, to answer or address your topic, perhaps even a loyal reader can chime in!

This Bettie's thirst changes very little though: I thirst for Coffee in the morning, and I am trying to become addicted to Water the rest of the day. I have stopped drinking beverages with Sugar....Alcohol sugar does not count! I hear that Once you start really drinking water your body craves it! I have a fear though about all that water! I am afraid my Body may retain it....I'll let you know how that goes!

So there you have it: my new Thirsty Thursday Post! That leaves Tuesday, Saturday and Sunday to fill....We are considering a Guest Bettie Post Day....Anyone wanna take a seat on the Bettie Blog Couch? Blog Guest Sign up as with everything we try to exploit: Can be left in the comments!

~XO MuFfIn OX~

Why People Suck

Fucking Wednesday.  Hump Day.  Why are you here reading this blog, when you should be out humping someone? 

So I read this post yesterday: LINK!  It reminded me of some of the kinds of people that I hate.  I hate people who drive minivans.  The "regular moms" with the mom jeans and the Katie Holmes haircuts, they suck.  I once received a Facebook message from Blunt Force Mama that said, "I'm surrounded by regular moms!  Halp!"  And it does feel exactly like that.  The hot moms, the kooky moms, the artsy yoga-hippie-granola-hemp moms, the moms who don't do vanilla, we're persecuted.  We are one in a million!  We've gotta rise up!

Every day I'm nearly run over by regular moms in their minivans because they don't know how to back them up.  These bitches suck.  This has got to stop!  If you need a giant vehicle just because Bobby and Greg can't sit next to Marcia or Cindy without pulling their hair or tweaking their nipples...

Wait?  Where did that come from?  Gawd!

Anyhow, you don't need a giant gas guzzling minivan unless you have four kids or more.  You can cram three of them into a Honda Civic.  Seriously, I know this. This is what we do up in here, and it works.  You don't need to drive a minivan, and you most certainly don't need this shit on the back window, unless you suck:

Even the fucking cat made an appearance.

Don't you even try to pretend like this is not a minivan:

 

That's a fucking minivan, folks. And you know you suck.  Now tell me, Betty Lovers.  Why do people that drive minivans suck so much ass?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

*Don't forget to send in your questions for Q & A Friday to laynie2@gmail.com.  We need them by tonight if we're going to be able to help your asses, or help you score some ass... or whatever you want from us.  Because you know you want us. ;)

Anonymous Monday

Hello, everyone!  Welcome to another Anonymous Monday.  Today I am stuck in the house with three kids and it's raining.  In order to help me get through this, I want you to tell me something shocking.

Party in the comments.  Go!

That's all, 

Twills

XOXO

(get your hand off my ass)

Why I love me, and Now you can love me too...

So I had a comment from an "unnamed source" mention that I might be slightly egotistical. I don't disagree! Well wait...I do actually disagree a little....I'm actually a lot egotistical! I don't see anything wrong with thinking my shit doesn't stink....Ive actually smelt it, and I maintain that my shit doesn't stink! So anyway, Its been a while since I gave a how to love yourself seminar and why its important! I dont charge for this good common sense shit either so if you take nothing from this thats useful, then you suck. Dont ask for a refund! This is my blogger profile, as you can see I am lickable! That's Hunka wanting to lick me! Hunka is one of the reasons I am so damn egotistical! This man Loves My Fricken Guts! He loves me more then my kids, and more then my parents! Its actually quite sick how much he does love me! He loves me so much that there are days he is so paralyzed by my awesomeness, that he just stares at me with this washed over blank stare! Those are the days that I'm at my most egotistical best! Those are also the days any other man or beast would run screaming for the hills! Ok Ok Ok....So on with it!

Simply Put I believe: If you aren't happy, that's your own fault! I spent many years not happy. When it came right down to it, I decided to change! So...suggestion 1: decide right now that you are going to be happy! Its really easy!


Happy is not a given and doesn't happen 24/7! Suggestion 2: Don't dream so big you cant realize it...Set obtainable Happy goals! For each shitty thing that happens in a day or along the way find a more positive outlook on it....example: I was having a beer with my Bestie's and Was WAY bragging to a friend in another state via a phone call that the temperature, the sunset, the Beer, and company were perfect.....Just at the time he was preparing for a long night shift on the job....I was happy! As Karma would have it...for bragging that is....A Seagull Shit on me! For the record....seagull shit smells like rotten fish, further proof that my own shit does not stink!......Ackkkkkk!!! Did I let that ruin my evening? No, because even though I was Bragging and Karma was Karma~ing... Being Shit on by a bird is good luck!
And knowing I was shit on for bragging, I took the high road, I told my friend that I was bragging to ...that a Gull had Just shit on me....his reply: Ha! Karma, Bitch! Me Being Shit on~ also made him Happy....I do enjoy bringing happiness to those around me! I simply refused to have a shitty evening...Pun intended!

I spend several days a month reassessing if I'm still happy and I spend a few minutes each day deciding how I can and will be happier in the future. You too can do this!
Final Suggestion: Just Stay Positive! Stop Bitching! Suck it up and take your Lumps, You'll be happier for it!
Its easier then you think to find a positive prospective/perspective...If you are a pessimistic person then you choose to be negative! Don't tell me that you choose this so you aren't disappointed in the long run...Thats a Load of Gull Shit my friend...Cuz Im not disappointed in the long run either! Im Happy and I know it and my life it surely shows it, and you can be happy too ....Just make the decision and Clap you Hands!

There is a pondering on my blogger profile that says:
"If you had only one wish to grant for one person who would it be for and what would you grant them...." This question was posed to me in 2004....I answered ...If I could grant one wish for one person, it would be for me and I would be happy.... With a Red marker, mark Happy as DONE!

Good Luck and Be Happy!
XO~Muffin~OX

It's Friday and that means it's Betties Advice Day.

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Why People Suck

Introducing a new feature here on "One For the Road":  Why People Suck.  We hope to keep this going on Wednesdays from now on.  We're going to tell you why people suck, then in the comments section we want you, readers, to tell us why people suck.

This week's entry is brought to you by none other than Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, pictured here, photo from Posh24.

Don't tell me that you don't think she's badass.  Cuteness overload!

The reason why people suck, is that if you google any bottom-feeding tabloid rag, you'll see headlines like "Angelina Trying to Turn Shiloh Gay", or "Brad walks on on Angelina For Forcing Shiloh to Dress Like a Boy", or my favourite, "Brad Takes Shiloh and Moves in With Jennifer Anniston:  Says a Friend, 'She was trying to make her become a lesbian!' ".

I don't need to tell you why these people suck, but here are a few.

1)  There is nothing wrong with being gay.

2)  It's not possible to turn people into a gay.

3)  The child looks cute.  She is making her own fashion decisions, and thankfully has parents who have the means and the willingness to support her.

4)  I only wish I could accessorize that well!

5)  My cousin's baby daddy used to be obsessed with wearing skirts when he was that age and grew up to be a manwhore, so there!  Children play with gender roles all the time, and it's normal for them to do so.

6)  The way an individual dresses has nothing to do with sexual orientation, unless perhaps it's like this:

There are a few reasons, though I could go on.  But you tell me, readers.  Why do people suck?  And how?  Discuss.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Betties Are Beautiful

Good morning, bitches.  It's Monday.  I know! It came around again. 

But this Monday is better than others!  This is because Renee from "Dangling on the Edge of (In)Sanity", has awarded The Betties with the "Beautiful Blogger" award.  See?  It's here:

Thank you, Renee!  Please visit her blog and leave a comment or ten.  Without further adieu, for today's Anonymous Monday, tell us how beautiful you think The Betties are.  ;)

Discuss.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

The Betties' Q & A Day!

Welcome, readers.  You really have been doing quite well on your homework assignments, friends.  The Betties have received so many questions to laynie2@gmail.com lately, that Twills has had to take a short break from pwning n00bs, Muffin hasn't been spending enough time at the beach and her tan is fading, and Pina hasn't been down to the docks all week.  Keep them coming, it's for our own good.  Now on to the action:

Dear Betties,

I am finding myself recently separated and seeking a divorce. Although there is a very good reason for the parting of ways, a deal breaker so to speak, I find that I am grateful it is "all his fault".  I'm actually happy that our relationship has failed! I'm excited that its over after 23 years and have no sadness about not being married. I know I shouldn't be excited, right? I don't want anyone especially the dead weight I just dumped to think I want my marriage to work, quite the opposite.  I just think I shouldn't be so relieved that it's over and after so long! Am I crazy?

Signed, 

Freedom Fighter

Twills says,

Dear Freedom Fighter,

You're not crazy.  You've been with the same man for so many years, it's time to bust loose.  Live a little.  Go skydiving.  Pierce your nipples.  Go out to bars and bed incredibly young men.  Though pay strict attention to Gay Math when you're first starting out; you wouldn't want to go too wild right at the beginning and burn out to early.  New found freedom is a precious thing.  Start out slowly and savour it.

Dear Freedom,
You're not Crazy! Now thats not to say you wont ever become crazy! When I went from Husband one to single I was really OK....for about 5 months, then things started happening, Life got hard, lonely, He Got a girlfriend....Then I got crazy... Like anything in life there is a cycle to endings and beginnings, Stay Milfy, dont ever do Hot Yoga, and you will get through the next phase just fine! Good Luck and Keep on Keeping on Sista!
~Muffins Hunka was a Freedom Fighter!

Dear Betties,

I am a Lesbian, I only say that because I feel it's important to the post. I would prefer you not talk to me about dicks and such. My "wife" wants sex more frequently than I, and there are issues with my feeling special enough to become intimate. This is completely my problem, I've seen shrinks and Ive been told in past relationships that it's exhausting and that I'm high maintenance. I don't want to be alone and old and a cat lady. (No offense to The Bettie with cats) Is it really just me? Don't other people have the same issue? I don't think I was ever abused as a child.  Other than thinking I was weird as a teenager for not liking "the cutest" boy in school, I was pretty normal. I dated a few guys in high school, I never went any further then 1st base. I've also never had intercourse with a guy. I just wasn't aroused unless I was really stoned or drinking to even do much more than kissing. I would prefer to be intimate with my wife sober, I think she might not like me drunk or smoking pot just to have sex. What to Do?

Frigid in the South Pole

Twills says,

Dear South Pole,

Take it from me, I live with a sex fiend.  The Dilf would is all up on my business all hours of the day and night to the point where our kids are always yelling out, "Don't go in the kitchen!  Mom and Dad are totally making out!"  *Huzzah!*  I sometimes prefer sleep; it's true!  I'm not a machine, people!  My uterus is at rest!  I feel your pain, believe me, I do.   Have you ever been checked out by a physician in regards to your hormones, etc?  A low sex drive is completely normal, and reversible.  It has nothing to do with whether you prefer the poon or the peen.   I know these things, because as I always say, I'm about 48% gay.

However, I wonder if you're feeling enough of an emotional connection?  We women are complex creatures, as you well know.   It doesn't take much for us to get turned off, though you're lucky that you probably don't have to put up with things like farting, b.o. or gnarly toenails.  I hope?   

Dear Frigid,
What makes you feel special? Is it a long hot bubble bath complete body massage and then some lovin? (Hint Hint Hint Hunka!) I would not ever advocate drunken or stoner sex, but if a glass of wine helps take the edge off of your tense~ness, well...until you can make that doctors appointment for Valium, Viagra, or Vitamin Shots....consider this, If your ex's think you are too high maintenance to stick with, and you have already said its You and Not Your Wife....Next step is Fixing it or its Cats ville for you baby!! Cuz although Bettie with the Cats has Cats she also has Dock workers and Sailors that find her worthwhile! I know that the more "uptight" you become the less easy it will be for you to relax! Good Luck!
~Muffin likes scented Bubbles!



Well Pina took the week off again, new fleet at the Docks or some shizzzzzz, I hear one of her Cats are about to drop a litter....so until next week...Chin up, shoulders back, and chest out!

Kisses From The Bettie's

Anonymous Monday, Bitches!

Today is the day when we ask you to make comments on our blog as "anonymous".  Some of you comply, most of you just post under your own names and don't bother.  So, today's theme is, "Bitch, why you so nasty?"

Discuss.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Betties Q & A Day!

Hello there, readers, and welcome to another fun-filled edition of the Betties' Advice Blog.  I'm not much into foreplay, so let us just jump right into the thick of things here with our first question:

Dear Betties,

What's up with the "pornstache" that is popping up on the upper lip of the men in my neighborhood?  Is this something new Brad Pitt is sporting?  Do tell!  Is it the latest trend in facial hair for men?

Love,

Hating the Facial Pubes

Muffin Says:

Dear Hating,
Hate is such a strong word....I think the Facial Hair you dub as the Porn Stache is a multi purpose tool that we can put to good use! Its a great exfoliating tool...It becomes a Flavor Savor, and If you are Colonial Sanders or Magnum PI its a trade mark!

The Muffin has yet to be witness to this new phenomenon in male fashion, Perhaps Daytona is not quite hip to the times! I will make a point to photo upload these to my FB page as I encounter them though!
Still Love the Goatee ~Muffin

Twills Says:

Anyone who sports a pornstache is likely either a) stuck in the seventies; or b) a hipster.  If this person is a hipster and has a pornstache, it is likely that the only reason why is because that dude thinks he's way cooler than you.  Than anyone.  He seems to think that he's rocking it with irony, and that's he's just so special that no one else will "get" what he's trying to do.  In reality we all know that he just looks like a total douchebag.

There is another instance where it might be acceptable.  Personal story here:  When I first met the DILF, oh it was magic.  Until I saw his driver's license photo!  OMG!  He was rocking the pornstache! This was in the year 2000, not when it had suddenly come back into vogue.  The story was, he had shaved off his winter beard and had gone in to town with that on his face as a joke.  He was renewing his driver's license that day because it was his birthday, but didn't realise that he'd need a picture taken.  He told the woman at the office that he didn't really look like that, but she didn't care.  (She's well known for being a crusty bitch in our area)  She snapped the photo anyway, and for the next five years he had to have a flaming red pornstache on his License.  So if you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, it might be just a one time thing and you've happened to spot them?

(I still think it's because they think that they're cooler than you)

Lovingly,

Twills

XOXO

Question Two!  Almost there!

Dear Betties,
My cousin has been trying to fix me up on a blind date with a friend of hers. I was interested at first because he has a good job and we are into the same kinds of things. But then last week, right before we were about to finalize some plans, she told me that he is renown for having huge balls. Now I'm really grossed out and don't want to meet him, but she thinks I'm being too picky. What do you think?

Signed,

Small Baller

Dear SB
Well that depends...Would you prefer a man with a set of ping pongs? I am not sure, what if the size of his Balls correlated with the size of his wallet... you would still complain? Listen I think its important to all kinds of things that your man as well as you have a set (figuratively speaking for you anyway unless you actually do have a set, then I think its important that you both determine who's are bigger! Someone must be the decision maker!) and as far as I am concerned Bigger anything is always better!(yes, this includes everything!)
Now if he is picking them up to sit down, I might be a little concerned but not enough to not go to dinner! Perhaps you should dig deep, find your own, and order dessert first!

Do let us know how it goes!

~Muffins got the biggest Balls of them all!

Twills Says:

Dear Baller,

Run!  If giant balls freak you out and you don't think you can get over it, don't date him.  If they're giant and freakish now, what do you think they'll look like when they're old and wrinkled?  There are plenty of fish in the sea, and if you are looking for Mr. Right, and Mr. Right has average sized balls, then you would be wasting your time with Mr. Giant Balls.  And seriously, how the fuck does SHE know that he has huge balls, huh?  Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it might be the tuna.

Investigate this please,

Twills

XOXO

Where's Pina, you say?  She's still not recovered from a botched boob job she got last week.  Just don't tell her that she looks like Tara Reid, please.  She's sensitive and she'd like to stay that way.

Until next week, 

Your Betties

XOXO

laynie2@gmail.com, for inquiries or for a good time. ;)

Meet Your Betties: Twills Edition

I first met The Muffin on MySpace, many moons ago.  I was either knocked up for the third time, or delirious with lack of sleep because the baby had not slept through the night in... well, how old is he now?  Nearly three? Well yes, then three years.  He hasn't slept through the night in three years.  That explains why I'm kind of loopy then, no?

I seem to recall her having something to do with winning a goat.  I still to this day have no recollection of her ever having taken delivery of the beast, but if she did I think she'd dance naked in a forest and sacrifice it, since she's a witch.  A real one!  *cue ominous sounding music*

The first blog that I read of hers was because our mutual friend Louminator, (who I met through Deb, who was my first and best MySpace friend) had pimped a blog that she'd written.  What was this blog about?  Well, she'd been married at that time for about a month or two, and decided that it was a good time to start sharing her wisdom with others on how to have a successful marriage.  I knew then that she was my kind of broad, and we've had each other's back ever since.

When Muffin is not busy buying and selling the state of Florida as if it's some giant Monopoly board, she's a famous radio personality on the AM dial.  In her spare time she enjoys doing hot yoga, texting people constantly on her CrackBerry, and soaking up her husband Hunka's burning love.

Pina and I had a few of the same MySpace friends, but we didn't friend each other there until I had actually stopped writing in that venue.  Too many creeps up in there, but I'd decided that Pina wasn't one of them.  We agreed long ago that we wouldn't talk about whose blogs we'd seen each other on because it was too much like gossip, but if you want to read our favourite one, click here.

Pina is a west coast Canadian girl, and has a west coast accent.  You already know that she has tons of cats, but what you didn't know is that her cats are hookers.  They get knocked up more than I do, and Pina encourages this behaviour so she can raise a cat army which only responds to her command.  Look out, West Coast.  Pina's Pussies are vicious.  

It doesn't help that while she has a tough exterior, she is soft on the inside (look DEEP, people) and the neighbourhood cats prey on this.  They all congregate near Pina's place and meow at each other about how she'll take in even the scrawniest, most feral cat and treat it like a princess.  There is no end to the lavish attention she gives them, so they know that any pregnant pussy can camp out at Pina's until such a time as she's ready to drop her litter and start hustin' for more tail again.  Sluts!

When Pina is not busy breeding a mutant cat army, you can find her... well, online of course.  That's because she is the only person who is online more than me, and who also sleeps less than me.  Somehow we've developed a Psychic Betty Connection which enables us to say the exact same thing at the exact same time, which is actually quite creepy at times with us stomping all over one another's brain.

As for the fourth Betty, who knows?  Maybe she doesn't exist.  Maybe she's a guest Betty.  Maybe the fourth Betty is you, our audience.  Because don't we all have a little bit of a Betty inside of us?  Think of the options:  Betties White, Page, Boop, Rubble (The original Milf), Grable, Ford, Crocker, (and Veronica: but I have to admit, I'm a Veronica in this one), Draper, Suarez, Rizzo, Ross, Davis, and Atomic Betty.  So many great role models to choose from, one can not help but want to explore their inner Betty.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Anonymous Monday

Here's how this works.  You leave us a comment as "Anonymous".   You can say anything you want:  You have webbed feet.  You're attracted to transvestites.  You are secretly in love with one of The Betties.  No one will ever know it's you.

Party in the comments!

Go!

Betties Q & A Day!

Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.  Though not too gentle, please, because you know The Betties like it rough.  *rawr*  Welcome to another fantasmic edition of The Betties Advice Blog.  What we need our adoring public to do, is send us your questions to:  laynie2@gmail.com.  Then we will answer them right here on Fridays if we deem them worthy of our attention.

This week we have an offering from someone who doesn't necessarily have relationship trouble, just someone who wants to know what we think about something.  Which is great because us Betties are known for speaking our minds.

Dear Betties,

I want to know why you think heterosexual men are attracted to transexual or transgendered individuals, who are now female.

Signed, 

TransWondered

Twills Says:

Dear TransWonderful,

I think what we need to do first, is to define our terms.  Wikipedia helped me plagiarize this:

Transvestite:  Transvestism (also called transvestitism) is the practice of cross-dressing, which is wearing the clothing of the opposite sex.

Transgendered:  Transgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as woman, man, neither or both) not matching one's "assigned sex" (identification by others as male or female based on physical/genetic sex). "Transgender" does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual; some may consider conventional sexual orientation labels inadequate or inapplicable to them. The precise definition for transgender remains in flux, but includes:
"Of, relating to, or designating a person whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender roles, but combines or moves between these."[1]
"People who were assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves."[2]
"Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the sex (and assumed gender) one was assigned at birth."[3]

So, now that we've cleared that up, I think that straight dudes could possibly be attracted to hot trannies because once you've become enough of a man-whore, you need to branch out.  If one were to keep an open mind about such things, one could reach epic realms of sluttiness!  Think of the possibilities!  Not only would you broaden your fuckability to include chicks, but dudes who look like chicks/have recently become chicks/people with no clear gender at all!   There is actually a proper term to describe this phenomena:

Pansexuality is a sexual orientation, characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex.  The word pansexual is derived from the Greek prefix pan-, meaning "all". It is intended to negate the idea of two genders (as expressed by bi-).

There you have it.  It takes all kinds.   Lesson of the day:  Broaden your mind and your loins will follow.

That's all, 

Twills

XOXO

What is this?  The other two Betties are absent?  That's because Pina is too busy down at the wharves, trying to get sailors to barter their chewing gum and nylons for her services.  Where is the Muffin, you say?  She went back to Hot Yoga, and now she can't get her foot down from behind her head.  While Hunka is excited, it makes it difficult for her to function in every day life.

With that, let us leave you with a song.  Until next week, bitches and trannylicious alike.