Fucking Wednesday. Hump Day. Why are you here reading this blog, when you should be out humping someone? So I read this post yesterday: LINK! It reminded me of some of the kinds of people that I hate. I hate people who drive minivans. The "regular moms" with the mom jeans and the Katie Holmes haircuts, they suck. I once received a Facebook message from Blunt Force Mama that said, "I'm surrounded by regular moms! Halp!" And it does feel exactly like that. The hot moms, the kooky moms, the artsy yoga-hippie-granola-hemp moms, the moms who don't do vanilla, we're persecuted. We are one in a million! We've gotta rise up!
Every day I'm nearly run over by regular moms in their minivans because they don't know how to back them up. These bitches suck. This has got to stop! If you need a giant vehicle just because Bobby and Greg can't sit next to Marcia or Cindy without pulling their hair or tweaking their nipples...
Wait? Where did that come from? Gawd!
Anyhow, you don't need a giant gas guzzling minivan unless you have four kids or more. You can cram three of them into a Honda Civic. Seriously, I know this. This is what we do up in here, and it works. You don't need to drive a minivan, and you most certainly don't need this shit on the back window, unless you suck:
Even the fucking cat made an appearance.
Don't you even try to pretend like this is not a minivan:
That's a fucking minivan, folks. And you know you suck. Now tell me, Betty Lovers. Why do people that drive minivans suck so much ass?
That's all,
Twills
XOXO
*Don't forget to send in your questions for Q & A Friday to laynie2@gmail.com. We need them by tonight if we're going to be able to help your asses, or help you score some ass... or whatever you want from us. Because you know you want us. ;)
Pod people. Your soul must be surgically removed to drive a minivan.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I do not drive a minivan I confess that we have one. Why? Not because we want it, we fit three kids into a Sunfire or Sunbird or whatever the hell it's called but a tree fell on it. So the hubby decided his hockey equipment fit into a minivan very well.
ReplyDeleteBut I agree and I hope I'm not one of those 'regular' type soccer moms. Really hate some of those moms. Hmm...I think I've seen a few of the ones you mention, while waiting at the school. Let us not forget the 'Freak' moms who insist on touching your kids and making like you're best friends or something. I want to scream "I don't know what you're fucking saying. Next time wear your goddamn teeth."
Oh my, where did that come from? My question, as I have to travel the same sidewalks you do, is why do they even have to drive? Don't most of them live a second from everywhere? Hmm. Maybe because they'd have to change out of the pyjama bottoms to do so.
Do we agree that if you have more then 3 kids its ok to have a Mini Van? I have a sister....she owns a minivan, but I think its ok because shes also a Broad Mare....Its great for travel when there is a drunken party of Bar Whores (ie: Me and my 7 sisters~ I actually only count 5 but I have double vision when drunk)to take home....Cept dont let my other sister drive...Holy Shit You'd do better hoping into one of those one kid mom minipools cuz Barbie cant drive worth a shiz when Ive been drinking! Just saying....Mini Vans and Moms who wear Mom Jeans Eat Ass Daily! Barbie You drive just fine when Im sober!
ReplyDeleteThe pyjama bottoms! God. And! Have you seen the one with the penny loafers? (lmao). I'm going to hell.
ReplyDeleteMinivans are good to drive drunken whores around, for sure. I hate it when people who have one or two kids drive them around, or they use them to commute when there is only one person in the vehicle at the time. Those people suck. Drunken whores suck too, but in a good way.
Let's not forget the red-headed love child of the minivan: the PT Cruiser. It looks and acts like a minivan, but with only half the space. These things are all over the fucking place down here. My sister owns one, though she insists that she had hers long before everyone else decided to go along with the trend. Thank goodness she has a sunroof, otherwise we might have trouble picking it out of a parking lot when a dozen more in the same color gather nearby. They like to swarm.
ReplyDeleteThe only way you'll catch me in a minivan is when I'm scoring with a hot soccer milf in the back seat while her kids are trying to score on the goalie. In other words, never. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find someone's leg to hump. Or maybe a tree that won't complain as much.
We're both going to hell because I've seen the penny loafer mom. **shudders** Have you seen the perpetually pregnant mom (no I don't mean you) and the one who appears to have some form of insect life jumping out of her hair who likes to lean in real close when talking to you. You can try to walk way, talk to someone else or be blatantly rude, but still, she tries to share her hair varments with you.
ReplyDeleteI noticed a hot mom who drives that damn minivan everywhere and rarely more than one kid inside. Hmm. Perhaps she's trying to play down her hotness, you know, make herself look like a regular mom, but it doesn't work when you sit in the parking lot applying make up and fluffing your hair in the mirror.
I'm quite the whiner today. Perhaps I should eat some sugar...or get some.
Crossover are for guys with small dicks and chicks with inflamed hemorrhoids. I raised 3 kids with a Honda Accord and a Honda Civic.
ReplyDeleteI drive a minivan.
ReplyDeleteI also referee soccer.
I commute 50 miles a day in it...alone.
I refuse the mom jeans, penny loafers, I only have 2 kids, do yoga, am hot, love chocolate, do not PTA, and pretty much rock the free world.
So suck it.
Cheers!
I'm SO into Jaimi right now.
ReplyDeleteShit Loum... Me too! 2 Snaps and A "Holla Bitch" I Pray to you Jaimi!
ReplyDeleteGuest Bettie!
"damn-it! I do not suck" I drive a mini-van~ In fact I have not drove one since 1995. I can fit my spouse, myself, our five children (big ones), and my mother in law comfortably. Oh my stars, did I just really say that? Am I being a defender of the mini-van? No, I dont think so. I also don't think I suck ass cause I drive one. I have great hair, look good in my jeans, and am a proud ass mini van driving mama! PluS, I can take everyone elses tikes home too. Wish I had a partridge family bus sometimes, we might be legal. Whatever- I liked your sense of humor. Most mini-van mom's DO SUCK ASS!
ReplyDeletePT Cruisers are the worst. I've actually seen a golden-mustard coloured one, and a wood paneled one. Gag.
ReplyDeletePerpetually pregnant mom drives me nuts. Her kid used to bite until grade 2. Now he swears and says inappropriate things about sex and body parts.
Cricket hair is the one who takes the entire extended family to school to pick up the one (giant) kid?
Pina was asking me lately, are there actually pennies in the penny loafers? Because I couldn't remember.
Okay, so Jaimi and Onreeone don't suck. One is hot and the other has a million kids. And you're here, so that's one plus.
I DRIVE A MINI VAN AND I LOOK FUCKING SMOKIN' IN MY JEANS!!!
ReplyDeleteEveryone here needs a minivan to see past the other minivans. Soon we will all drive trucks or cranes to see past each other.
ReplyDeleteYeah, hair mom is the mom with the entire family tagging along every day. I heard that perpetually pregnant mom's kid was bad, but wow. My kid would so knock that kid out if he were in her class. Good thing Kennedy's only in SK. I see many suspensions in her future. Mama's girl.
ReplyDeleteI think Linda (and her Twaddle) makes a good point. If you drive something small you're going to get run over in that parking lot. There are a lot of awfully big vehicles taking up two spaces.
I've always been into you, Teek.
ReplyDeletePeople who can't fucking spell suck.
ReplyDelete