Why People Suck

Fucking Wednesday.  Hump Day.  Why are you here reading this blog, when you should be out humping someone? 

So I read this post yesterday: LINK!  It reminded me of some of the kinds of people that I hate.  I hate people who drive minivans.  The "regular moms" with the mom jeans and the Katie Holmes haircuts, they suck.  I once received a Facebook message from Blunt Force Mama that said, "I'm surrounded by regular moms!  Halp!"  And it does feel exactly like that.  The hot moms, the kooky moms, the artsy yoga-hippie-granola-hemp moms, the moms who don't do vanilla, we're persecuted.  We are one in a million!  We've gotta rise up!

Every day I'm nearly run over by regular moms in their minivans because they don't know how to back them up.  These bitches suck.  This has got to stop!  If you need a giant vehicle just because Bobby and Greg can't sit next to Marcia or Cindy without pulling their hair or tweaking their nipples...

Wait?  Where did that come from?  Gawd!

Anyhow, you don't need a giant gas guzzling minivan unless you have four kids or more.  You can cram three of them into a Honda Civic.  Seriously, I know this. This is what we do up in here, and it works.  You don't need to drive a minivan, and you most certainly don't need this shit on the back window, unless you suck:

Even the fucking cat made an appearance.

Don't you even try to pretend like this is not a minivan:

 

That's a fucking minivan, folks. And you know you suck.  Now tell me, Betty Lovers.  Why do people that drive minivans suck so much ass?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

*Don't forget to send in your questions for Q & A Friday to laynie2@gmail.com.  We need them by tonight if we're going to be able to help your asses, or help you score some ass... or whatever you want from us.  Because you know you want us. ;)

Beware of Trolls

I am not a baby person. Though I've had loads of them, (not quite Duggar styles), I'm not really fond of the creatures. Sure, I love my own babies and the babies of my friends and relatives, but I'm more into them once they actually gain a little personality. When they start to smile and giggle and do cute things.

I have a confession to make: I think most babies are ugly. Not mine, of course. (or, you know... yours, particularly) Nothing ugly could ever be produced by such fine specimens as the DILF and myself. Heh. This is not a popular statement; people just aren't allowed to say that they think babies are ugly. The moms in the horrid jeans would lynch me if they knew I think this way!

I have this acquaintance who shall remain nameless. I met her at work years ago, and she had just come off of maternity leave when we'd met. She loved her little Princess! Mommy's girl! The most beautiful girl in the world! Talked about her constantly, so much so that everyone at work was sick to death of hearing about every single last detail of Princess's life. What Princess plays with, what Princess wears, what Princess eats, how Princess poops.

Yes, people. Poops. We had to hear all about it. Every. Fucking. Day.

Said acquaintance was desperate to have people come over to her house and experience the wonders of the Princess for themselves. I tried to get out of it... I put it off for a good three months. Everyone else at work had met Princess, and I was the last holdout. She became obsessed with having me meet Princess. I could not go anywhere or do anything without my every move being scrutinized and haunted by The Spirit of Princess.

Eventually I thought that the only way I was going to get any peace at work was to go ahead and allow myself to be blessed by the child. So I agreed to a visit. In the name of all that is holy!

When I arrived she had the baby up in her arms, and all I could really see was a bundle of pink frills, like the baby had been hosed down with Pepto Bismol. Then, it turned. it's. head.


And I gasped audibly.



Uh oh!


Little Princess looked as if she was an 80 year old man trapped in the body of an infant.


In the few milliseconds since my gasp, my life flashed before my eyes. Underneath her mommy obsessions, my co-worker was a super nice person and was a good friend. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, because I do know that every mother really does think that their child is the most beautiful child they've ever seen. Thoughts swam through my pea-brain as I thought about jumping out the window and heading for Mexico, and I cursed my other co-workers for not warning me in advance that I would be faced with such a situation.

So I instantly became cheery and exclaimed, "Now THERE'S a BABY!" in a high-pitched sing-song voice.


Oh, sweet relief!!!


Of course the woman thought that I shared her exact viewpoint that there wasn't a finer baby, not one so beautiful since Celine Dion produced that immaculate specimen, Rene-Charles. I could almost hear her singing, "I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love", beating on her chest and doing the signature Celine lunge.

The rest of the visit went quite well, and my spectacular save is one that should be written in the history books! Have any of you ever been confronted with a similar situation? Do you secretly think that newborns are ugly? Discuss.


That's all,

Twills
XOXO

Celebrity Gossip....

Im a Huge Looser~ This you realize when you really get to know me....You know, If your lucky enough to actually Know me ~Know me....You know?

I love Celebrity Gossip! I use to stalk; via the net: Paris, Lindsey and Britney and I do mean daily...No Kidding, Yup thats right, I Surely, Surely did! I actually liked Kim Kardashian before her show....Im probably the reason she got the damn thing! Seriously, I can pick the hits and fads! Im just simply Fabulous that way!
On another note... just in case Tracey the Boy is reading this.... YES I AM 2 on a first name basis with those girls! Honestly, we didnt call Cher, Mrs Bono! Did we? NO! Cuz she was CHER.....Lindsey, Britney and Paris....all one name, just the same!



The National Enquirer is my Bible....I know there are you King James Version, the Later Day Sainters and Koran Version lovers out there...Not so say the Muffin are those versions even remotely close to the version produced by NE!
You know I spoke with a National Enquirer about a breaking news story once~ It appears I was one of several collaborating tips....it pays to know people who know things! Although they did not pay me for the story...interestingly enough....they'd really rather not pay for the dish! Im just saying! So you know....the National Enquirer does in fact SOURCE their stories and rarely do they GET IT WRONG!

What brings me to this blog is the potty blog we just did in which Twills mentioned John Mayer in the context in which he may like to indulge in the golden shower....well I have to source that...I cant simply believe it because Twills eluded to it....and Pina basically seconded the notion....Peeing on people thats some pretty intimate stuff.... So I went to my trusting and true source of info....Google!

I think John Mayer may be getting credit for Pee'in on people, so a portion of the story is true however, I think the context in which we are applying it and the way it was written may be two different things...Context clues, cues and comma's sincerely do matter when reporting celebrity news....Honestly, ANY news!

SO here is the story.....John Mayer is a bit of a womanizer ...and its said that he "pisses on every relationship he has" and there in lies the Golden Shower Rumor....

Simple enough to dispel......So when you tell me something and I ask you "Why? What? or How do you know that?" Its the Budding Investigative reporter wannabe in me that simply must KnoW! Now I am available for pics of Mr Mayers....UHHHHH "Lil John" cuz after all~ Im still trying to prove and or disprove a rumor!
Enquirer~ing minds wanna know!
~Muffin

As the head was crowning her vaginal opening...

One thought ran through her mind......




Must.......Tan, Dye Hair, and Buy Smaller Bras......And not necessarily in that order!

These STUPID weight loss ads! Is anyone else annoyed by them? Any idiot can see she lost weight by giving birth...and it appears she only lost ten pounds 'cuz she gave birth at 7 months.....Hello! Worry less about getting your Tan on Barbie, your baby is in the ICU!

Really, she sucks... I lost 14 pounds within a few days of my last child and 7lbs 14Oz in one effing push....Slacker!

Thanks! That Is All for now
~Muffin

How to be Mifly: The Packaging

A big part of being Milfy and Maintaining a Degree of Fuckability is how you dress for the part. This is not about size, this is about knowing how to dress for your size and your particular shape. Over at You Look Fab, Angie has put together what she calls "The Flop Proof Outfit". You can read about it here. You can also refer to this outfit as the "What Not to Wear" casual outfit.

Now I know it's kind of boring, but hell, you can't break the rules unless you know them first. Not everyone can strut it like me in a pair of knee-high silver Doc Martens and a skirt the size of a dinner napkin. This will come later. I myself have spent many years dressing as if I were several sizes larger, but after faking the confidence for a while, eventually I found that I actually had it for real. (Now if I could just tone the ego down slightly, I think I'd have it going on.)


So the first thing, The Jeans. Mom jeans. You know you've seen them. High-waisted, saggy assed, pleated, acid washed, tapered leg, hell, even gunty. *gasp* Yes. Gunty! Just generally ill-fitting and ugly. Get rid of them! Don't even give them to Goodwill, cut them up into tiny pieces so that no one will be able to wear them EVER AGAIN. I'm not against recycling, I'm just against bad fashion.

Get some that fit well, and the darker the better. This might take you years! Once you find a pair of jeans that fit you perfectly, stock up on them! It's not as if they ever go out of style. You don't have to go for the skinnies if you think they make you look like a bowling pin, but the thing is, we never look as big as we think we are. (And they fit great into your boots!) Take a girlfriend or your best gay with you, someone who can be honest and who will tell you if you look awful. Try on many different styles, even if you think you hate them. Also, if you have the problem that I have with the waist band gaping at the back because you actually have an ass, it's okay to get that shit tailored. You will wear them more if you don't have to keep hiking them up from exposing your butt crack. Just say no to crack, but don't hike them up under your tits, either.

Okay, so next is the shirt. On You Look Fab it says "shirt or girly top". Fuck that. Titty top. You want to show off what you've got. If you're worried about stray motor-boaters, then wear a camisole underneath for some coverage. But I'm telling you, let those girls out to play once in a while. You don't have to push them up under your chin like Jessica Simpson, but live a little.

Jacket. This means "tailored jacket". Something that has a shape. You can find a combat-jacket that nips in at the waist if that's your style. Your options are unlimited. There are blazers, motorcycle jackets, leather, pleather, even a cardigan if you live in Mr. Rogers' neighbourhood, which I do. ;)

Heels. Yes. Heels. Again, you don't have to go all porny with the shoes if you don't feel comfortable that way. Stilettos are better, but if you like those little coloured ballet flats feel free to wear them if you're worried about bunions. And don't just get black! Have fun with the shoes. Try some boots, even.

Statement bag. I fail miserably at this. The statement that my bag makes is that I'm a Mom and I have to carry everyone else's shit around. This is not the ideal. You don't have to match it with the shoes, but for Buddha's sake don't use the same one until it falls apart. I keep all of my stuff in little wallets, change purses or tiny make-up bags so that when I need to switch purses everything is easy to switch over.

Let us say that you're like me and have a problem with authority. You want to break the rules! Break one at a time. See how it works for you, and if it does, break a few more! Add some accessories! Play with colours and fabrics! But most of all, have fun. Strut. Say, "I am Milfy, hear me roar!" *rawr*; and let yourself believe it.

Next on my list: Manscaping.



That's all,

Twills
XOXO

Maintaining a Degree of Fuckability: How To Be Milfy

Milf. Stacy's Mom. Cougar.

Let's have a musical selection, shall we?








What I'd like to impress upon you today, people, is how important it is to stay hot. I'm not going to lie, I'm a petty bitch. I go to this website on a fairly regular basis to have an immature giggle at the things people are wearing in public. Friends, you don't want to be spotted on People of Walmart Dot Com with your ass hanging out.

In this coming week, I'd like to impress upon you the importance of maintaining a degree of fuckability, and we will discuss various ways to achieve and then maintain this goal. Now by no means do I claim to be the leading expert in this field, but I do have some experience with birthin' babies and then having people actually want to have sex with me afterward. I hope to share what I have learned with you all, and also learn to take my own advice. (Tell me I'm not the only one who suddenly realises in mid-January that she's turned into a sasquatch since the beginning of winter! Rule number one: Keep that shit trimmed/shaved/waxed/BURNT the fuck off)

First up: Maintaining a Degree of Fuckability: Mom Jeans Are Nobody's Friend.

That's all,

Twills
XOXO

Top Ten Reasons Why I Can't be a 'Mommy Blogger'

1) I'm kind of self-absorbed

2) I want to tell Calliou to "Fuck off"

3) There really isn't enough time in the day to write down all of the funny shit they say *note to self: buy tape recorder*

4) I can't refrain from making sarcastic comments or pointing out fallacies in logic while watching Nickolodeon.

5) I'm very, very fond of saying bad words.

6) It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to pretend that your kids are as cute and charming as my kids.

7) I'm pretty sure that Handy Manny is a demon in the sack.

8) It would detract from my busy online shopping schedule.

9) I'd much rather talk about smut.

10) I try to avoid other moms in real life, so why should I seek them out on the internet?


That's all,

Twills
XOXO