Betties present: the Friday Q & A

Good morning minions. Let's get down to business and dish out some helpful advice to someone that thinks the Betties are wise. (doesn't everyone)

So for those who don't know, Friday is the day we take one of the questions sent into us at Laynie2@gmail.com, and we answer it based on our vast knowledge and empathetic hearts. So if you have a question, come on! send it in. What could it hurt?

So, our question this week is about a young girl who needs some guidance on how to proceed with her life. Here we go:



Dear Betties,

I am a 15 year old girl and I think there is something wrong with me. I can't talk to my parents or any of my friends because I am sure they would totally freak out on me and I'd be in a worse position than I am now.
So here is my problem: I think I'm a lesbian.
I am not attracted to boys, and while my friends are all settling into their high school romances, I am left on my own. To make things worse, I think I'm in love with my best friend.
Recently at a sleepover we all got into a conversation about kissing, and we played an all girl version of spin the bottle. Most girls just gave each other a peck on the lips, but when my best friend spun the bottle and it landed on me, she gave me a deep tongue kiss. I thought I was going to die I was so happy. My whole body tingled, and I hoped like crazy that we would get to do that again. It didn't happen, but some of the girls started joking and calling us Lesbos and Dykes. My best friend just laughed it off, but I felt sick to my very soul. Now all I can do is think about kissing her. My grades are suffering and my parents keep asking me if it's a boy that's distracting me.
I feel so lonely and so left out. I want to tell my best friend how I feel about her, but I'm afraid she'll laugh or say she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I would die if that happened.
I don't know what to do.
Please help me, Betties, your advice is always so good, maybe you can help me.



signed;

Am I a Lesbian?

Pina says:

Dear baby Lesbo,

There are a couple of things that could be the answer to your problem. The first is that yes, you are a Lesbian. There is nothing to be ashamed of, or sorry for. I believe people are born with their sexuality pre-determined, and that may be what your sexuality is. Things have changed a lot since my high school days when being called a Lesbian could get you beat up. Now, Gay young Men and Women are taking their same sex partners to prom. There are lots of support groups for gays and Lesbians. You didn't say if you live in a big or a small town, but there are many resources to help you through this trying time that would probably help you figure out how to tell your parents.
The most important thing is that you understand you are not a freak, or any of those names cruel teenagers come up with.
Start by Googling support groups for Gays and Lesbians and Transgendered people and groups in your area, and perhaps look into getting an inexpensive therapist that you may be able to get your parents to support to help.
I wish you the best of luck, and the fact that you know where your feelings are at this early an age may be helpful in helping you accept who and what you are.

Good Luck!

Twills Says:

Dear Am I?

There is nothing wrong with you.  At all.  I tend to think that young people are too young to have predetermined labels about who they are.  There is nothing wrong with being a homo, as there is nothing wrong with being straight.  Likewise, there is nothing wrong with just loving who  you love without needing to name it.  You don't have to be a lesbian to love another chick.  You don't have to be straight to love a dude.  It's more about the person behind the parts.  Even I have been known to have a kiss or a crush or three on a girl, and The Twills likes the dick, no question about that.

I would confide in your best friend.  If she can't accept that you have tingly lady-bits when you think about kissing her, then she is not the person that you thought she was.  She is your bff for a reason, and I'm sure that she loves you no matter what you fantasize about doing to her, whether that is just on a friends-only basis or something more.  Let us know how it goes.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO (wanna make out?)

It's Betties Q & A Day!

Happy, wonderful, delicious Friday, Betty-lovers. It's time for another installment of our infamous advice column, and damn, have we got something for you. Seriously, I don't know where we dig up these people, but of course we never reveal our sources or tell people that they're freaks. (Unless they're really freaky). Send us your questions/concerns/comments/favourite sexual positions to laynie2@gmail.com and we'll get back to you, anonymously, right here each week. Let us get on with the business of telling you how things are.

Dear Betties,

My girlfriend is really wild in bed, but last week she surprised me by putting her finger in my asshole and I have never cum so hard in my life. I want her to do it again, but I don't want to admit that I liked it. I've never been attracted to guys, but since I did really like ass play, am I gay?

-Back Door Guy-

Twills Says,

Dear Anal Lover,

Let's see...  Your girlfriend, by definition, is a girl, n'est-ce pas?  Not a dude dressed as a girl?  Does she have soft skin and dainty hands?  Does she have *gasp* a vagina?  Because I'm going out on a limb with this one... that unless your girlfriend is a guy, then you're not gay.  You just like it when she milks your prostate, which is entirely natural and though I have no prostate of my own, I'm sure is quite pleasurable.   Just unclench your butt cheeks and submit.  And don't be such a frigging baby!

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Pina says,

I'm with Twills on this one. If what you have on your hands is really a woman, than you should really have no problem.
Do some experimenting. If you liked the little bit of ass play, perhaps you and your gal should experiment a little bit more. Check out a sex store together, read some erotica to each other, learn what else you like. There's a whole lot of sex to be had out there, and while finding out what you like, you can totally enjoy yourself along the way.
(I suggest starting out with some small anal beads)


Good luck and enjoy!

Readers, join in and help our friend out, maybe by sharing some of your funkier sexcapades!

Well gentle friends, here ends another fun and fulfilling Friday. Remember, send us your questions to laynie2@gmail.com, and we will give you the solution to your problems, or maybe just a good old talking to if you're doing what you shouldn't be.


Love,
The Betties

XOX(definitely no touching)

*Twills edit:  Pina, how we gonna get all up on them if we don't touch them?

It's Q and A Friday, folks!!

Hey there loyal and new readers! It's Friday, one of the Bettie's favourite day, as you write to us with a question about your life (ALWAYS anonymous), and we get to tell you what to do.Questions are sent to Laynie2@gmail.com by Wednesday night, and we will get out our advice paraphernalia and crystal love balls and give it our best shot- Bettie style.

Question one:



Dear Betties,

I have a problem that I think I may have caused myself, and I'm wondering if you can help me. A while ago, a friend that I have (we're sort of friends with benefits-if you know what I mean) had just got himself a brand spanking new TV. I asked him what he was doing with his old TV (a nice 32' flat screen) and he said, "Nothing. You want it?) Did I want a free flat screen TV? Oh Hell yeah I did! We went on about our night together which ended with us sleeping together. This was not new, we had been sleeping together on and off for two and a half years.
When I woke up the next morning and loaded my great new TV into my car, I began to wonder to myself.

Was I a Whore?

I had just slept with someone and had received what could be thought of as payment in my great new TV. I wondered if that was different from taking money, or was it just a great deal that got me laid (which I liked) and a new TV came that came that my way.

What do you say Betties? Am I a hooker? Did I just turn a trick, or did I just get a TV from a friend? Please help, I'm feeling so confused.

Signed;

Hooker? or Friends with Benefits?

Twills Says,

Hooker, please.  Why are people constantly asking The Betties if they're promiscuous?  It's not as if it's a problem.  Total non-issue for me.  I don't necessarily think you're a prostitute, you're just a slut.  That said, you might as well get paid for it since you were going to hand that poon out all over town anyway.  Just spread your sleaze and not the disease.  You might as well buy the wholesale box of condoms, because I feel sure that you will need them.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Pina says;

Twills and I are on the same page here, too.I don't think you are a hooker, but it does seem kinda cheap to have sex and get presents out of it. Then again, hell, if someone wants to give you a swanky new TV and it's two consenting adults, then you go big, sister! Betties love presents, and obviously you are good at the art of love. Take the TV and enjoy!

Until next week, everyone.  Betties out.

It's Friday and that means it's Betties Advice Day.

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The Betties' Q & A Day!

Welcome, readers.  You really have been doing quite well on your homework assignments, friends.  The Betties have received so many questions to laynie2@gmail.com lately, that Twills has had to take a short break from pwning n00bs, Muffin hasn't been spending enough time at the beach and her tan is fading, and Pina hasn't been down to the docks all week.  Keep them coming, it's for our own good.  Now on to the action:

Dear Betties,

I am finding myself recently separated and seeking a divorce. Although there is a very good reason for the parting of ways, a deal breaker so to speak, I find that I am grateful it is "all his fault".  I'm actually happy that our relationship has failed! I'm excited that its over after 23 years and have no sadness about not being married. I know I shouldn't be excited, right? I don't want anyone especially the dead weight I just dumped to think I want my marriage to work, quite the opposite.  I just think I shouldn't be so relieved that it's over and after so long! Am I crazy?

Signed, 

Freedom Fighter

Twills says,

Dear Freedom Fighter,

You're not crazy.  You've been with the same man for so many years, it's time to bust loose.  Live a little.  Go skydiving.  Pierce your nipples.  Go out to bars and bed incredibly young men.  Though pay strict attention to Gay Math when you're first starting out; you wouldn't want to go too wild right at the beginning and burn out to early.  New found freedom is a precious thing.  Start out slowly and savour it.

Dear Freedom,
You're not Crazy! Now thats not to say you wont ever become crazy! When I went from Husband one to single I was really OK....for about 5 months, then things started happening, Life got hard, lonely, He Got a girlfriend....Then I got crazy... Like anything in life there is a cycle to endings and beginnings, Stay Milfy, dont ever do Hot Yoga, and you will get through the next phase just fine! Good Luck and Keep on Keeping on Sista!
~Muffins Hunka was a Freedom Fighter!

Dear Betties,

I am a Lesbian, I only say that because I feel it's important to the post. I would prefer you not talk to me about dicks and such. My "wife" wants sex more frequently than I, and there are issues with my feeling special enough to become intimate. This is completely my problem, I've seen shrinks and Ive been told in past relationships that it's exhausting and that I'm high maintenance. I don't want to be alone and old and a cat lady. (No offense to The Bettie with cats) Is it really just me? Don't other people have the same issue? I don't think I was ever abused as a child.  Other than thinking I was weird as a teenager for not liking "the cutest" boy in school, I was pretty normal. I dated a few guys in high school, I never went any further then 1st base. I've also never had intercourse with a guy. I just wasn't aroused unless I was really stoned or drinking to even do much more than kissing. I would prefer to be intimate with my wife sober, I think she might not like me drunk or smoking pot just to have sex. What to Do?

Frigid in the South Pole

Twills says,

Dear South Pole,

Take it from me, I live with a sex fiend.  The Dilf would is all up on my business all hours of the day and night to the point where our kids are always yelling out, "Don't go in the kitchen!  Mom and Dad are totally making out!"  *Huzzah!*  I sometimes prefer sleep; it's true!  I'm not a machine, people!  My uterus is at rest!  I feel your pain, believe me, I do.   Have you ever been checked out by a physician in regards to your hormones, etc?  A low sex drive is completely normal, and reversible.  It has nothing to do with whether you prefer the poon or the peen.   I know these things, because as I always say, I'm about 48% gay.

However, I wonder if you're feeling enough of an emotional connection?  We women are complex creatures, as you well know.   It doesn't take much for us to get turned off, though you're lucky that you probably don't have to put up with things like farting, b.o. or gnarly toenails.  I hope?   

Dear Frigid,
What makes you feel special? Is it a long hot bubble bath complete body massage and then some lovin? (Hint Hint Hint Hunka!) I would not ever advocate drunken or stoner sex, but if a glass of wine helps take the edge off of your tense~ness, well...until you can make that doctors appointment for Valium, Viagra, or Vitamin Shots....consider this, If your ex's think you are too high maintenance to stick with, and you have already said its You and Not Your Wife....Next step is Fixing it or its Cats ville for you baby!! Cuz although Bettie with the Cats has Cats she also has Dock workers and Sailors that find her worthwhile! I know that the more "uptight" you become the less easy it will be for you to relax! Good Luck!
~Muffin likes scented Bubbles!



Well Pina took the week off again, new fleet at the Docks or some shizzzzzz, I hear one of her Cats are about to drop a litter....so until next week...Chin up, shoulders back, and chest out!

Kisses From The Bettie's

Betties Q & A Day!

Hello there, readers, and welcome to another fun-filled edition of the Betties' Advice Blog.  I'm not much into foreplay, so let us just jump right into the thick of things here with our first question:

Dear Betties,

What's up with the "pornstache" that is popping up on the upper lip of the men in my neighborhood?  Is this something new Brad Pitt is sporting?  Do tell!  Is it the latest trend in facial hair for men?

Love,

Hating the Facial Pubes

Muffin Says:

Dear Hating,
Hate is such a strong word....I think the Facial Hair you dub as the Porn Stache is a multi purpose tool that we can put to good use! Its a great exfoliating tool...It becomes a Flavor Savor, and If you are Colonial Sanders or Magnum PI its a trade mark!

The Muffin has yet to be witness to this new phenomenon in male fashion, Perhaps Daytona is not quite hip to the times! I will make a point to photo upload these to my FB page as I encounter them though!
Still Love the Goatee ~Muffin

Twills Says:

Anyone who sports a pornstache is likely either a) stuck in the seventies; or b) a hipster.  If this person is a hipster and has a pornstache, it is likely that the only reason why is because that dude thinks he's way cooler than you.  Than anyone.  He seems to think that he's rocking it with irony, and that's he's just so special that no one else will "get" what he's trying to do.  In reality we all know that he just looks like a total douchebag.

There is another instance where it might be acceptable.  Personal story here:  When I first met the DILF, oh it was magic.  Until I saw his driver's license photo!  OMG!  He was rocking the pornstache! This was in the year 2000, not when it had suddenly come back into vogue.  The story was, he had shaved off his winter beard and had gone in to town with that on his face as a joke.  He was renewing his driver's license that day because it was his birthday, but didn't realise that he'd need a picture taken.  He told the woman at the office that he didn't really look like that, but she didn't care.  (She's well known for being a crusty bitch in our area)  She snapped the photo anyway, and for the next five years he had to have a flaming red pornstache on his License.  So if you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, it might be just a one time thing and you've happened to spot them?

(I still think it's because they think that they're cooler than you)

Lovingly,

Twills

XOXO

Question Two!  Almost there!

Dear Betties,
My cousin has been trying to fix me up on a blind date with a friend of hers. I was interested at first because he has a good job and we are into the same kinds of things. But then last week, right before we were about to finalize some plans, she told me that he is renown for having huge balls. Now I'm really grossed out and don't want to meet him, but she thinks I'm being too picky. What do you think?

Signed,

Small Baller

Dear SB
Well that depends...Would you prefer a man with a set of ping pongs? I am not sure, what if the size of his Balls correlated with the size of his wallet... you would still complain? Listen I think its important to all kinds of things that your man as well as you have a set (figuratively speaking for you anyway unless you actually do have a set, then I think its important that you both determine who's are bigger! Someone must be the decision maker!) and as far as I am concerned Bigger anything is always better!(yes, this includes everything!)
Now if he is picking them up to sit down, I might be a little concerned but not enough to not go to dinner! Perhaps you should dig deep, find your own, and order dessert first!

Do let us know how it goes!

~Muffins got the biggest Balls of them all!

Twills Says:

Dear Baller,

Run!  If giant balls freak you out and you don't think you can get over it, don't date him.  If they're giant and freakish now, what do you think they'll look like when they're old and wrinkled?  There are plenty of fish in the sea, and if you are looking for Mr. Right, and Mr. Right has average sized balls, then you would be wasting your time with Mr. Giant Balls.  And seriously, how the fuck does SHE know that he has huge balls, huh?  Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it might be the tuna.

Investigate this please,

Twills

XOXO

Where's Pina, you say?  She's still not recovered from a botched boob job she got last week.  Just don't tell her that she looks like Tara Reid, please.  She's sensitive and she'd like to stay that way.

Until next week, 

Your Betties

XOXO

laynie2@gmail.com, for inquiries or for a good time. ;)

Betties Q & A Day!

Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.  Though not too gentle, please, because you know The Betties like it rough.  *rawr*  Welcome to another fantasmic edition of The Betties Advice Blog.  What we need our adoring public to do, is send us your questions to:  laynie2@gmail.com.  Then we will answer them right here on Fridays if we deem them worthy of our attention.

This week we have an offering from someone who doesn't necessarily have relationship trouble, just someone who wants to know what we think about something.  Which is great because us Betties are known for speaking our minds.

Dear Betties,

I want to know why you think heterosexual men are attracted to transexual or transgendered individuals, who are now female.

Signed, 

TransWondered

Twills Says:

Dear TransWonderful,

I think what we need to do first, is to define our terms.  Wikipedia helped me plagiarize this:

Transvestite:  Transvestism (also called transvestitism) is the practice of cross-dressing, which is wearing the clothing of the opposite sex.

Transgendered:  Transgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as woman, man, neither or both) not matching one's "assigned sex" (identification by others as male or female based on physical/genetic sex). "Transgender" does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual; some may consider conventional sexual orientation labels inadequate or inapplicable to them. The precise definition for transgender remains in flux, but includes:
"Of, relating to, or designating a person whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender roles, but combines or moves between these."[1]
"People who were assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves."[2]
"Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the sex (and assumed gender) one was assigned at birth."[3]

So, now that we've cleared that up, I think that straight dudes could possibly be attracted to hot trannies because once you've become enough of a man-whore, you need to branch out.  If one were to keep an open mind about such things, one could reach epic realms of sluttiness!  Think of the possibilities!  Not only would you broaden your fuckability to include chicks, but dudes who look like chicks/have recently become chicks/people with no clear gender at all!   There is actually a proper term to describe this phenomena:

Pansexuality is a sexual orientation, characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex.  The word pansexual is derived from the Greek prefix pan-, meaning "all". It is intended to negate the idea of two genders (as expressed by bi-).

There you have it.  It takes all kinds.   Lesson of the day:  Broaden your mind and your loins will follow.

That's all, 

Twills

XOXO

What is this?  The other two Betties are absent?  That's because Pina is too busy down at the wharves, trying to get sailors to barter their chewing gum and nylons for her services.  Where is the Muffin, you say?  She went back to Hot Yoga, and now she can't get her foot down from behind her head.  While Hunka is excited, it makes it difficult for her to function in every day life.

With that, let us leave you with a song.  Until next week, bitches and trannylicious alike.

It's the Betties Friday Advice Day!

Hello gentle readers, it's Friday, which means it's Betties Advice Day. You all know how it works by now, you send in your questions to laynie2@gmail.com before Wednesday night, and we will pick out two each week that we think we can give helpful advice to. Let's see what our mail bag has for us this week.

Dear Betties;



I have a male friend who seems to want to move our friendship in another direction - the bedroom. I am not interested in him in that way and have told him so. To make it more uncomfortable, he is constantly in my space trying to hug me or pat me on the shoulder or brush my hair off my face. I am NOT a huggy-kissy person, and if this continues, I don't even know if the friendship can exist or if it even is worth saving. I have told him bluntly and honestly. What else can I do?

signed,

Too Much Attention.

Pina says:

Dear TMA,

If you have been as honest as you can about how you feel about your friend, it seems like there is very little left for you to do or say. Really, the only advice I have is perhaps you may want to make a pro-con list regarding this friend, and if you decide to stay friends, have one more very blunt conversation about the fact he makes you uncomfortable being in your space. If he doesn't respect your wishes, then perhaps it is time for you both to move on. Sorry that's the best I've got.

Twills says,

Dear Space Saver,

Ew.  If he doesn't want to back that shit up, tell him to fuck off.  There is nothing worse than a close-talker.  FYI, Octo-Man:  If you can smell her breath, she can smell yours!  

If you've already told him clearly and concisely, there isn't much else you can do if he won't get the hint.  If he persists, consider a restraining order.  He's giving me the creeps and I don't even know him.  Gah!

Don't touch me,

Twills

Dear TMA,

I'm sorry your friend doesn't understand clear communication! Perhaps you have a wingman that can step in and or up to the plate and advise him that his unwanted advances will no longer be tolerated? Or sadly perhaps, it is time to close the door on that relationship? I do think it is wise to address the fact that with the friend gone from your life the attention and the advances no longer there you may find your ego missing the friend! Every girl likes to know they are attractive to someone!

The Muffin thinks you're adorable!

Dear Betties;



My husband and I like to watch porn together, sometimes to get ideas to spice up our love life. Lately, he has been bringing a lot of anal porn home. Now we have had anal sex a few times, and although I wasn't a huge fan, I did enjoy the fact that my husband seemed to really get off on it. I didn't really understand the huge attraction, so the other day, I took a small mirror and went into the bathroom to see what all the hubbub was about. I just about screamed out loud!! It was NOTHING like I saw in the porn we watched, and it is extremely unattractive. I have no idea why my husband is so attracted to such an area. I don't mind the act of anal sex, but with the way my no no hole looks, I am not interested in letting my husband see it at all. Help me, please!

Signed;

Away from the No No Hole.

Pina says;

Dear No No Hole;

If you are willing to continue with your husband's new fetish, then there are some things you can do to tidy up and pretty up that spot. First, I suggest a Brazilian wax. Next, there are products on the market that you can use at home to get rid of any staining or discolor. You don't think porn stars are born with sparkling clean anuses, do you? There is work involved. If you are not comfortable with doing a home job, seek out a professional cosmetician or esthetician that knows what she is doing. Keep up with the landscaping on a regular basis, and you and hubby can go back to exploring and expanding your sex life. Good Luck!

Twills says:

Dear Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Hole,

Turn off the fucking lights for eff's sake if you're so self-conscious.  I'm pretty sure he's seen Uranus before if he's already been using his telescope, get my drift?  I bet you ask him if you look fat in your clothes before you go out, don't you?  Then you get sulky if he says yes?

He's a man.  He'd let the dog service him if he thought he'd get away with it.  Fuck.  The End!

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Dear NNH, 

What Hot Yoga Move did you get into to see the Poop Shoot? So now that you've seen the the Hershey Highway Up Close and Reversed (Objects in the mirror are closer then they appear and are now right to left or written backwards...) in comparison to before... what changed your mind other then its Ugly Betty(Notice the spelling ladies) Appearance? 'Cuz, unless you are busting out the Hot Yoga Move ( ...and I highly advise against that shizzzz especially in the middle of the required Anal Breathing Exercise....After all one would think having something poking around Colonville requires at least on impact some concentration and deep slow breathing....From What Ive Seen in Movies....) You aren't Seeing anything other then whats in front of you? Consider that his attraction isn't the the look of the Chocolate Star Fish but rather the Size of its shell! I also say good for you for keeping it adventurous!

The Not That Limber Muffin!

So concludes another fun-filled edition of Betties Day.  You have woes, we have answers; we'd be willing to part with them for free.   Let's meet back here again next week, same place, same time.  Shall we?

Oh We aren't done Twills~~~~~~

******What a Bettie must put Up With******
A snippet from: a behind the scenes look... a Glare actually... of the Pissy Betties that I love so dear! And a Few weeks ago I was called a Biotch...Listen readers....We all are victims of the Cathouse! Twills ~I love you! Thanks for your worry of me ~The Found Muffin!
Peee Essss....Don't you dare delete the behind the scenes ....that's censorship and in America we don't stand for it!

If you did notice that we're missing our Muffin this week (No your Not), it's because she's come down with a raging case of The Clap (applause light is in fact lighted!) and can't sit down long enough to type at her desk.  Oh, it burns! (Can Sit...did Sit....There is a slight itch though....)  Send Muff's muff some positive vibes, please.  Along with some antibiotics.

(Save the Antibiotics for Twill's next rage with the Flu....Its Bike Week In Daytona Babies and The Muffins Been Working the Corner! Oh Wait....maybe you should send the meds!...Muffin missed her conference call But....I must work when the customer seeks a Muffin!)

Images used because they're quite badass, from Natalie Dee.

Well, better late than never I always say.  Tune in next week for another fun filled edition of Betties Day.  ~Twills~ ~Pina~ ~Muffin~

Betties Advice Day: You Need It? We Have It.

Why hello there, gentle readers, and welcome to another fun filled edition of this week's Betties Advice Blog.  Here's how it works:  you send us a question or a comment to laynie2@gmail.com, and we answer them for you on Fridays.  This week we have two offerings for you; feel free to comment as well, as we really do appreciate knowing that people are reading us.  We only live to serve, and we'd love to hear what you think even if we don't agree with you.  Did you know you can also post as anonymous?  Some people have already figured that out of course, but for some others this news opens up a whole new world for them.  Sit back and relax.  Trust me, you'll need to once you finish reading.

Dear Betties,

 I can only trim the front of my hootchie. I'm too pregnant to get down and dirty with the clippers. HALP?

-Hairy Mammoth-

The Muffin is going first this week, I'm usually the Middle responder ....I suppose It's cuz I just stopped by first!

Dear Mammoth,

Are you asking us to Shave you? How Prego are you? What kind of clippers do you have?
What do you have against the "70's Full bush" considering the condition you already find yourself in? I ask these questions cuz I'm nosy....
Honestly, having been Largely Pregnant during my life time I've had two issues similar to yours. My skin was super sensitive to lotions and creams, making landscaping the nether regions almost impossible and a belly that practically made reaching the nether near impossible as well....there are however plenty of Day Spas and Salons that are available to help you! You deserve a little pampering, considering all the pampering you are about to be doing....I say take a day and relax, let the ladies at the spa take care of you!
Congrats on your upcoming parenthood!
~The Mommy Muffin

Twills says:

Dear Hairy Hormonal Hootchie,

One word:  Outsourcing.  You're going to have a baby, so you've got to learn how to delegate responsibilities.  Have the babydaddy do it (after all, it's his fault that you can't reach it) or go to a joint that offers the service.  Even a beauty school.  Just try not to pick the future Beauty School Dropout.  Who wants their hootchie waxed by a fool?  ;)  Good luck.

Dear Hairy Hoochie Coochie Woman;

When I read your letter the first thing I thought was clippers? I had the kind of clippers a vet used on my cat's belly before he fixed her.
The second thing I thought was: how bloody big a bush do you have that you need clippers? Are we talking sheep shearing here?
And finally, I wondered if this was your first child. I'm guessing it is, or else you would not be concerned with a few stray pubes when you have all those fluids and whatnot coming out along with baby, because let's face it, childbirth may be beautiful for Mummy and Daddy, but I've seen a baby born, and it's not an attractive process.
Finally, and here is my advice: if you are that concerned with your crotch Afro, find a professional, I'm sure they have seen the gamut of pubes. Yours can't be that bad, can they?
Good luck with the waxing and the little bitlet you will be squeezing out, shaven or not.
-Pina

Dear Betties,

I have been practicing light and energy work for some time now mostly for healing purposes. However recently I have discovered I can use a similar technique to induce orgasms in women clients often 10-15 minutes long without even touching them and I am told they are very intense. Now my question is if I were to do this for a profit do you think that would be a legitimate business or just make me some kind of psychic whore?

~Sexual Healer~

Dear Psychic O Maker,

I was tempted to not answer this question, rather I would just concentrate hard on the answer and then have you tell me! Considering though that I don't want you to think I'm mocking you....As I am most definitely not, I will answer this way: I appreciate light and energy healing and enjoy practicing energy healing, Of course on myself via meditation and Chakra alignment....

Now with all of that said, do you consider this gift of yours a gift you should be paying forward, or is this something you have learned to do and you have found as an added bonus/side effect to the process? I mean we are talking the Big O! So many ladies could benefit, so many ladies have never achieved their Highest Sexual Honor and you may have discovered utopia! As for charging...Well, Disney doesn't let you into the Magic Kingdom for free! I have absolutely nothing against you charging for your services/gifts! I am concerned you feel shameful and dirty, ie: by describing yourself as a whore. I believe in Karma, if you feel that you are sending out negative energy by providing this service then negative energy will return. However if you feel you are providing a positive service and sending out positive energy then positive Karma is due you!

I don't know one woman who would not benefit from a release on occasion, one question remains though... Do you find your clients falling in love with you? Orgasms can be quite emotional for many ladies and considering a 10-15 minute orgasm is practically unheard of, and quite likely to cause some ladies to pass old cold, Stalk you, or Never leave! O' Dear, never mind the trouble that could come from one of their significant others....cuz lets face it, one may not be able to compete with your lil trick! The side effects need to be clearly defined via some sort of disclosure before proceeding, also you need to get emergency contact numbers and keep 911 on speed dial! You could find yourself in a wet heap of trouble!

No wait, scratch that.... I have another question....How can I do this at home? Third Question, can I buy into the Franchise?

~Muffin Thinks She Likey!

Dear Sexual Healer,

You'd think that this would be awkward because I know you.  Hell no!  I tell this to people all the time:  No one can think clearly if they're sexually frustrated.  In fact, I believe I even said it last week to one of the questions that were sent it, no?

I think it's a legitimate service, though not necessarily one that you could market.  Or tell the government about...  The ordinary mini-van driving public tend to be very puritanical about this sort of thing.  Fortunately we have the internet, and if any of our readers are interested in this type of service, I'm sure that by contacting The Betties at laynie2@gmail.com we can hook a sistah up!  Though we're not going to tell you who he is, if you are interested we can tell him who you are and leave the rest up to him.   No, we don't offer a Betties discount!  Jeez!  Boy's gotta eat!

Dear Sexual Healer;

Your question stumps me a bit. The fact that you have uncovered this hidden yet extremely special hidden skill, could be a blessing, or a nightmare in disguise.
I have no problem with you charging for this service - Massage therapists, acupuncturists....all these holistic healers charge, and I believe you have a healing gift, so why shouldn't you charge as well?
What stumps me is why you aren't already a mini-corporation?
Do you know what a woman would pay for a 15 minute orgasm induced without someone clawing, climbing, and sweating all over them in an attempt to get to the orgasm finish line first?
Big bucks, my friend, big bucks.
I have always said that sexuality and enjoyment are personal and as long as no one is being hurt, or children are not being harmed, then forge headlong through the Kama Sutra, sexual sherpas!
I suggest you use your gift, and drop the idea that you would be being a whore. If this is simply a healing process,with no actual sex involved, you should have no guilt.
Let us know when your studio is set up and we'll pass along your info to our female readers.
Good Luck!
-Pina

Well gentle readers, this ends another Bettie's advice Friday. We always hope our opinions may be helpful, but remember, they ARE just opinions, take them as you will.

If you have a question for us, send it to laynie2@gmail.com by Wednesday evening, and we will do our best to send out our sage advice to you as well - in total confidence of course. Your boss doesn't need to know about your sex life now, do they? So have a great week and the Betties will be back same time next week.

Love;

The Betties.