Wednesdays Don't Suck!

Dearest Minions,


Have you seen my snark? I've lost her. I have nothing to rant about this week, I had nothing to rant about last week, and I will most likely not have anything to rant about next week, either. The thing is, Minions, I'm not cranky. I've been in a good mood for so long now that I can't even seem to remember what it was like to be a cranky bitch.

The sun is shining, the weather is perfect, and I'd much rather be lounging around in the sun with a book and a cocktail than I would sitting here in front of my pc. So you'll have to forgive your Betties for their lack of attention. I'm sure when fall starts in and Canada begins to settle in to wait for the depressing onslaught of winter, that we will then be more diligent about writing and also reading your blogs.

Fridays will most likely remain the same. However, this other "thing" that we do here at One For the Road, (and let's call a spade a spade people, we write a few sentences and intersperse it with cuss words and overt sexuality), will likely wane until such a time as we feel inspired to put that type of pure filth forth again.

So you must bear with us while we're out living real lives. Though by the lack of comments of late, I can tell that you're all out there living real lives as well. Please go out, have fun, get into trouble, and then email us your problems at laynie2@gmail.com so that we can try to boss you around.


That's all,

Twills
XOXO-here, have a song. An incredibly misogynistic song, but catchy none the less.

What Sucks Wednesday

I'm lazy this week, minions.  It's hot this morning, and I realise that there is nothing in this world that will turn your kids into raging assholes as much as babysitting another kid will do.  Two kids, four kids, six kids.... They're fine.  3, 5, or 7 kids will fight tooth and nail.  Why the heck is that?

My brain is not functioning properly this morning, though I am on cuteness overload from secretly listening to their conversations.  However, I'm like a fucking referee from UFC trying to keep my own two kids off of each other lest they should tear their cousin in half in order to secure his attention.

The baby is not included in this.  Apparently when you're under the age of five you don't count.  He is happy even though he's being deliberately excluded.  Then again, the big kids don't want to talk about boobs or re-enact scenes from Adventures in Babysitting.  Big kids also seem to know that you probably shouldn't draw both dicks and boobs on snowmen.  Oh, the glamourous life of a House Milf!

So I know what sucks this Wednesday.  Children SUCK the LIFE out of you!  Tell me something funny in the comments.  Make my day better!

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Wednesdays: Why People Suck

The weather is warming up in my part of Canada.  This is a really long process it seems, but we're getting there, finally.  I tend to dress in layers.  Tank, shirt, sweater, jacket... that sort of deal.  You need to do this, because you never know when you're going to start sweating, or when you'll catch a cool breeze and the headlights come on.  What?  It happens!

Since the mornings are still so cold and the afternoons are sometimes sweltering, you do run the risk of breaking out into a sweat before you even realise that you need to remove a layer, however.  You've got to watch out for that because no one wants a Milf with sweaty armpits!  Decidedly not hot.

There is always that one asshole though.  The kind of asshole who will look at your Milfy flop-proof outfit, and that asshole will say, "Aren't you hot?"  Asshole, who the fuck cares?  Of course I'm *hot*, though not temperature-wise.  I am fucking vampire, okay?  I'm a lizard!  I have Renaud's Disease!  I'm perpetually cold and it matches well with my cold, black heart you fecking eejit!  I was a cutter and my arms are ugly from the scars!  I have tattoos and I'm on the way to the nursing home!  My body does not contain fully-oxygenated blood and I have bad circulation combined with low blood pressure!  I don't feel like taking this jacket off because it's new and it defines my waist nicely and makes me look thinner!  Plus I spilled mustard on my boobs at lunch.

Pick one or more of the above.  Does it matter to you if I'm feeling warm in my clothing?  It is none of your damned business if I'm hot.  Or cold.  Or full of chicken pox!

It's Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth.  People who ask other people whether or not they are hot?  They suck.  Tell me, minions.  Who sucks?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Wednesdays: What Sucks?

Good morning minions!  I'm willing to bet that because it's Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth, that you're wondering why today sucks.  Am I right?  Here at One For the Road, we don't just wait for you to wonder what sucks, we just tell you; this week however, we're going to let someone else tell The Betties what sucks.

Loyal reader Louminator seems to know, as he made this comment on Monday:

Jacob Lewis said...

I can tell you What Sucks on Wednesday. No blogs from the Betties! Get better already!

Well Lou, to tell you the truth there are not enough antibiotics in the world to keep us Betties in fine form it seems.  So today, the thing that sucks is that The Betties have been neglecting you.  How will you ever function without at least a weekly dose of snark?  You need more Milf Lessons!  Haven't you been dying to know the answers to all of the love questions you've been sending to laynie2@gmail.com?

The Betties have been remiss, if you must know.  We've been neglecting your mental health, we've been letting you drive your kids to school in your minivan wearing pajama bottoms.  One of you was thinking of going to the salon to get The Kate Gosselin hacked onto your head!  For shame!  Don't do it, bitches!  The Betties are back, and there's a change coming.

Now minions, it's Wednesday.  What sucks for you, right here, right now?  We need to know these things, and we need to know them now.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Why People Suck: Perverts

Everyone knows that I love a pervert.  I come from a family in which sexual assault is a normal form of greeting.  Instead of a "Hello", you might possibly be groped or fondled.  Though I should say, this is just the women. The men are more apt to tell you how sexy you've been looking lately.

I do love perversion and perverted jokes are my favourite, but I do know that there are times when it goes too far.  I was alone at the grocery store on Sunday, which is pure fucking heaven. You child-free people don't understand how fucking awesome it is to be able to caress the melons and give the loaves a good squeeze.  From across the aisle I saw an old dude that I knew, and I couldn't resist yelling out, "Hey good looking!".  That was my mistake.

Not only did he hug me, *shudder*  (don't touch The Twills unless I'm having sex with you or I gave birth to you, please), he also told me how good I was looking.  Duh.  That I didn't look like I'd had three kids at all because I was sooooo sexy.  My body is slammin', he said, only in old man language.  All this was well and good, because who the fuck doesn't want to be told that they're one fine assed bitch?

All of this was funny and greatly amusing to me, but I said my goodbyes and continued on in my fruit molesting mode...  Then I had to reach up to the top shelf for something, and the old dude slapped me on the ass WITH A PACKAGE OF RIBS!!!  He told me that my ass is just as hot as it was when we met.  WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN!!!  Gross!  Pervs like him give the rest of us a bad name!!!

I thought, "Well at least it wasn't a pinch", but then I remembered that it was a package of fucking salmonella infused PORK.  *puke*  I don't even eat that shit, I don't want to be slapped on the ass with it.  And what was he doing looking at my teenage ass when he's in his seventies?!!!

The fine line between perv and creep had been crossed, and there is no going back.  So for this week's "Why People Suck", I'm going to start and say that creepy pervs suck.  Tell me Minions, who sucks?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO (get that meat off my ass)

P.S.  Don't forget to submit your questions/comments to laynie2@gmail.com so that we can dole out some snark for Friday.  

*Image swiped from here.

Why People Suck: Wednesdays

I'm sure you all have people like this friended on Facebook.  Breeders.  People who have albums upon albums full of pictures of their kids.  I know I do; I'm guilty of this myself.  However, I also have a few friends/distant relatives that are caption-happy.

Not only do they have hundreds of pictures of their baby, they like to write captions under them, too.  Not only do they write captions like, "This one was taken at Grandma's house", they like to write captions from the baby's point of view.  Things like, "I am loving being at Grandma's house right now!"  Or, "Here I am looking cute in my new shirt!".

Ugh.  Stop.  Now.

It's all just a little too twee.  If they were writing captions like, "Fuck this shit", "Get me the fuck away from these assholes", "Want BOOB!!!!", or the ever popular "I'm about to shit myself", it might actually be accurate.  Babies do not currently have a point of view!  Sooner or later, they will have a one and when they do I hope it's to rail against your fuckery!  At which point do these people come to the realisation that their cooing through the bars of the crib actually mirrors a bystander looking through the bars on the windows of an insane asylum, watching a patient? There is a very, very fine line between cutesy and lunacy.

People who narrate their baby pictures.  They suck.  Since it is Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth:  Why do people suck?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Why People Suck

Fucking Wednesday.  Hump Day.  Why are you here reading this blog, when you should be out humping someone? 

So I read this post yesterday: LINK!  It reminded me of some of the kinds of people that I hate.  I hate people who drive minivans.  The "regular moms" with the mom jeans and the Katie Holmes haircuts, they suck.  I once received a Facebook message from Blunt Force Mama that said, "I'm surrounded by regular moms!  Halp!"  And it does feel exactly like that.  The hot moms, the kooky moms, the artsy yoga-hippie-granola-hemp moms, the moms who don't do vanilla, we're persecuted.  We are one in a million!  We've gotta rise up!

Every day I'm nearly run over by regular moms in their minivans because they don't know how to back them up.  These bitches suck.  This has got to stop!  If you need a giant vehicle just because Bobby and Greg can't sit next to Marcia or Cindy without pulling their hair or tweaking their nipples...

Wait?  Where did that come from?  Gawd!

Anyhow, you don't need a giant gas guzzling minivan unless you have four kids or more.  You can cram three of them into a Honda Civic.  Seriously, I know this. This is what we do up in here, and it works.  You don't need to drive a minivan, and you most certainly don't need this shit on the back window, unless you suck:

Even the fucking cat made an appearance.

Don't you even try to pretend like this is not a minivan:

 

That's a fucking minivan, folks. And you know you suck.  Now tell me, Betty Lovers.  Why do people that drive minivans suck so much ass?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

*Don't forget to send in your questions for Q & A Friday to laynie2@gmail.com.  We need them by tonight if we're going to be able to help your asses, or help you score some ass... or whatever you want from us.  Because you know you want us. ;)