Wednesdays: Why People Suck

The weather is warming up in my part of Canada.  This is a really long process it seems, but we're getting there, finally.  I tend to dress in layers.  Tank, shirt, sweater, jacket... that sort of deal.  You need to do this, because you never know when you're going to start sweating, or when you'll catch a cool breeze and the headlights come on.  What?  It happens!

Since the mornings are still so cold and the afternoons are sometimes sweltering, you do run the risk of breaking out into a sweat before you even realise that you need to remove a layer, however.  You've got to watch out for that because no one wants a Milf with sweaty armpits!  Decidedly not hot.

There is always that one asshole though.  The kind of asshole who will look at your Milfy flop-proof outfit, and that asshole will say, "Aren't you hot?"  Asshole, who the fuck cares?  Of course I'm *hot*, though not temperature-wise.  I am fucking vampire, okay?  I'm a lizard!  I have Renaud's Disease!  I'm perpetually cold and it matches well with my cold, black heart you fecking eejit!  I was a cutter and my arms are ugly from the scars!  I have tattoos and I'm on the way to the nursing home!  My body does not contain fully-oxygenated blood and I have bad circulation combined with low blood pressure!  I don't feel like taking this jacket off because it's new and it defines my waist nicely and makes me look thinner!  Plus I spilled mustard on my boobs at lunch.

Pick one or more of the above.  Does it matter to you if I'm feeling warm in my clothing?  It is none of your damned business if I'm hot.  Or cold.  Or full of chicken pox!

It's Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth.  People who ask other people whether or not they are hot?  They suck.  Tell me, minions.  Who sucks?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Wednesdays: What Sucks?

Good morning minions!  I'm willing to bet that because it's Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth, that you're wondering why today sucks.  Am I right?  Here at One For the Road, we don't just wait for you to wonder what sucks, we just tell you; this week however, we're going to let someone else tell The Betties what sucks.

Loyal reader Louminator seems to know, as he made this comment on Monday:

Jacob Lewis said...

I can tell you What Sucks on Wednesday. No blogs from the Betties! Get better already!

Well Lou, to tell you the truth there are not enough antibiotics in the world to keep us Betties in fine form it seems.  So today, the thing that sucks is that The Betties have been neglecting you.  How will you ever function without at least a weekly dose of snark?  You need more Milf Lessons!  Haven't you been dying to know the answers to all of the love questions you've been sending to laynie2@gmail.com?

The Betties have been remiss, if you must know.  We've been neglecting your mental health, we've been letting you drive your kids to school in your minivan wearing pajama bottoms.  One of you was thinking of going to the salon to get The Kate Gosselin hacked onto your head!  For shame!  Don't do it, bitches!  The Betties are back, and there's a change coming.

Now minions, it's Wednesday.  What sucks for you, right here, right now?  We need to know these things, and we need to know them now.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Why People Suck: Perverts

Everyone knows that I love a pervert.  I come from a family in which sexual assault is a normal form of greeting.  Instead of a "Hello", you might possibly be groped or fondled.  Though I should say, this is just the women. The men are more apt to tell you how sexy you've been looking lately.

I do love perversion and perverted jokes are my favourite, but I do know that there are times when it goes too far.  I was alone at the grocery store on Sunday, which is pure fucking heaven. You child-free people don't understand how fucking awesome it is to be able to caress the melons and give the loaves a good squeeze.  From across the aisle I saw an old dude that I knew, and I couldn't resist yelling out, "Hey good looking!".  That was my mistake.

Not only did he hug me, *shudder*  (don't touch The Twills unless I'm having sex with you or I gave birth to you, please), he also told me how good I was looking.  Duh.  That I didn't look like I'd had three kids at all because I was sooooo sexy.  My body is slammin', he said, only in old man language.  All this was well and good, because who the fuck doesn't want to be told that they're one fine assed bitch?

All of this was funny and greatly amusing to me, but I said my goodbyes and continued on in my fruit molesting mode...  Then I had to reach up to the top shelf for something, and the old dude slapped me on the ass WITH A PACKAGE OF RIBS!!!  He told me that my ass is just as hot as it was when we met.  WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN!!!  Gross!  Pervs like him give the rest of us a bad name!!!

I thought, "Well at least it wasn't a pinch", but then I remembered that it was a package of fucking salmonella infused PORK.  *puke*  I don't even eat that shit, I don't want to be slapped on the ass with it.  And what was he doing looking at my teenage ass when he's in his seventies?!!!

The fine line between perv and creep had been crossed, and there is no going back.  So for this week's "Why People Suck", I'm going to start and say that creepy pervs suck.  Tell me Minions, who sucks?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO (get that meat off my ass)

P.S.  Don't forget to submit your questions/comments to laynie2@gmail.com so that we can dole out some snark for Friday.  

*Image swiped from here.

Why People Suck: Wednesdays

I'm sure you all have people like this friended on Facebook.  Breeders.  People who have albums upon albums full of pictures of their kids.  I know I do; I'm guilty of this myself.  However, I also have a few friends/distant relatives that are caption-happy.

Not only do they have hundreds of pictures of their baby, they like to write captions under them, too.  Not only do they write captions like, "This one was taken at Grandma's house", they like to write captions from the baby's point of view.  Things like, "I am loving being at Grandma's house right now!"  Or, "Here I am looking cute in my new shirt!".

Ugh.  Stop.  Now.

It's all just a little too twee.  If they were writing captions like, "Fuck this shit", "Get me the fuck away from these assholes", "Want BOOB!!!!", or the ever popular "I'm about to shit myself", it might actually be accurate.  Babies do not currently have a point of view!  Sooner or later, they will have a one and when they do I hope it's to rail against your fuckery!  At which point do these people come to the realisation that their cooing through the bars of the crib actually mirrors a bystander looking through the bars on the windows of an insane asylum, watching a patient? There is a very, very fine line between cutesy and lunacy.

People who narrate their baby pictures.  They suck.  Since it is Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth:  Why do people suck?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Why People Suck

Do you really, really want to know why people suck?  People suck because they never know what day of the week it is.  Certain people even forget to put the kids' karate belts in their backpacks before school, because they don't even realise that it's Wednesday.  Some people suck so hard that they don't post blogs in the morning because they think it's Tuesday again.  That is how much people suck.  So you tell me.  Why do people suck, for you, today?

This is Twills*.  Rollin' in her Mom-mobile, pretending like she knew it was Wednesday all along and that she was totally prepared.  Frontin' like Dilf didn't just buy her a minivan yesterday and that's why she wrote that post last week. 

*People who talk about themselves in the third person suck donkey chocha.  Yes.  Chocha.  Heh.

Why People Suck

Fucking Wednesday.  Hump Day.  Why are you here reading this blog, when you should be out humping someone? 

So I read this post yesterday: LINK!  It reminded me of some of the kinds of people that I hate.  I hate people who drive minivans.  The "regular moms" with the mom jeans and the Katie Holmes haircuts, they suck.  I once received a Facebook message from Blunt Force Mama that said, "I'm surrounded by regular moms!  Halp!"  And it does feel exactly like that.  The hot moms, the kooky moms, the artsy yoga-hippie-granola-hemp moms, the moms who don't do vanilla, we're persecuted.  We are one in a million!  We've gotta rise up!

Every day I'm nearly run over by regular moms in their minivans because they don't know how to back them up.  These bitches suck.  This has got to stop!  If you need a giant vehicle just because Bobby and Greg can't sit next to Marcia or Cindy without pulling their hair or tweaking their nipples...

Wait?  Where did that come from?  Gawd!

Anyhow, you don't need a giant gas guzzling minivan unless you have four kids or more.  You can cram three of them into a Honda Civic.  Seriously, I know this. This is what we do up in here, and it works.  You don't need to drive a minivan, and you most certainly don't need this shit on the back window, unless you suck:

Even the fucking cat made an appearance.

Don't you even try to pretend like this is not a minivan:

 

That's a fucking minivan, folks. And you know you suck.  Now tell me, Betty Lovers.  Why do people that drive minivans suck so much ass?

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

*Don't forget to send in your questions for Q & A Friday to laynie2@gmail.com.  We need them by tonight if we're going to be able to help your asses, or help you score some ass... or whatever you want from us.  Because you know you want us. ;)

Why People Suck

Introducing a new feature here on "One For the Road":  Why People Suck.  We hope to keep this going on Wednesdays from now on.  We're going to tell you why people suck, then in the comments section we want you, readers, to tell us why people suck.

This week's entry is brought to you by none other than Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, pictured here, photo from Posh24.

Don't tell me that you don't think she's badass.  Cuteness overload!

The reason why people suck, is that if you google any bottom-feeding tabloid rag, you'll see headlines like "Angelina Trying to Turn Shiloh Gay", or "Brad walks on on Angelina For Forcing Shiloh to Dress Like a Boy", or my favourite, "Brad Takes Shiloh and Moves in With Jennifer Anniston:  Says a Friend, 'She was trying to make her become a lesbian!' ".

I don't need to tell you why these people suck, but here are a few.

1)  There is nothing wrong with being gay.

2)  It's not possible to turn people into a gay.

3)  The child looks cute.  She is making her own fashion decisions, and thankfully has parents who have the means and the willingness to support her.

4)  I only wish I could accessorize that well!

5)  My cousin's baby daddy used to be obsessed with wearing skirts when he was that age and grew up to be a manwhore, so there!  Children play with gender roles all the time, and it's normal for them to do so.

6)  The way an individual dresses has nothing to do with sexual orientation, unless perhaps it's like this:

There are a few reasons, though I could go on.  But you tell me, readers.  Why do people suck?  And how?  Discuss.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO