Wednesday, February 24, 2010

How To Be Milfy: Gay Math

If you've been following along with Twills' lessons on "How to Be Milfy", you are well on your way to attaining Milf Status, if you haven't already. Of course if you're a Milf, there may come a time in your life when you will be ready to take on a lover. Say it with me: Lov-ah! You're going to want this lover to be some hot young stud, at least for the first one. Then you can branch out and experiment later.

Don't you dare say the word "Cougar" around me. It's derogatory, and Milf is just so.... not... at all...

I know you all need guidance. You're out there lusting after tight young things like Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner. (Really? Ew! Who are you people?) Not me. Heck no! I'm still not over Bruce Springsteen! I do however, have a formula for you which will make Lover Selection easier.

The trick is to not go too young. If you go too young, it's considered morally suspect. You can't just be a 50 year old woman, cruising up to the local high school to scope out guys. That's kind of creepy! Really, would you want to have the dude doing the walk of shame in the morning and run into you son, who's sits behind him in math class? Awkward!

This is where the "Gay Math" comes in. The gays, you see, they've had this shit down for a long time so it's not revolutionary. As usual, the gays are waiting for the hetero world to catch up with them, so that's not new either. What is the matter with people? Get with the program!

What is this "Gay Math Formula", you say?

Take your age. Divide it by 2. You may need a calculator for this if you're verging on geezer status. Heh.

Take that number, and add 7. Seven is the magic number.

For example, I am 30 years old. I am fine with this, so you can all just fuck right off. I'm 30 and I am still young. Young! Divide that by two, you get 15. When you add seven, you get 22. So that's my magic number.

In accordance with the rules of Gay Math, the youngest possible age for my potential lover to be is 22. Otherwise I would be bordering on the immoral. I know that people get off on breaking taboos, but there is time for that later. You have to start out slowly, and this is just a guideline to get you started.

You can see how this formula is perfect, because the number changes as you age. If I were 80, I could go for someone who is 47. Get it? Perfect! This formula is also not only reserved for Milfs. Obviously since we've stolen it from The Gays, it's also appropriate for child-free people, heterosexual men and generally all walks of life as long as you're legal! It even works in reverse, if you subtract seven from your age, then multiply it by two. 46 is my number for how old I can go without it being creepy. Dammit! I'm still missing out on Springsteen.

So you tell me. What is your magic number in Gay Math? Do you have any stories about any time you've violated the rule and have had a negative consequence? Feel free also to disagree with me and call me a horrible person. Do tell all, or if you're shy you can mail them to The Betties at We never reveal our sources. ;) Discuss.

That's all,




  1. Oh good God. I don't like the term "Cougar" either. But what do I get to be? Here I sit with my barren uterus, longing for MILF status, just like you. Although there really is only one hawt Canadian MILF, and it's you. It's Something I can never have, just like a bumpit. Both are far out of my reach.
    I won't tell you what my max age is, because even I threw up a little in my mouth when I got the figure. I like it for the young side, though. I have always dated younger men.
    None of them worked out, perhaps I do need to investigate the other side of the age ideal.
    Besides, 0-half + -7 is pretty depressing.
    When oh when will I realise I am just meant to live alone forever with cats.
    I'll be one of those old ladies that no one finds for a month and my cats will have started to munch on me. I love my life.

  2. I dunno about that one - makes my magic number 37. That would earn me a lot of couch time, because I have friends with DAUGHTERS that age.

  3. The queen of mislead cougars everywhere (I hope she reads this): Shauna Raisch.

  4. Pina: You too can have a bumpit! I scored a set at Walmart for $9.99 this weekend, and as soon as I'm feeling not so under the weather, I will actually open the box.

    T: But are your friends' daughters hot? That is the question.

    LFP: I had to google this bitch, and I still don't get what the fuss is about. The information is ambigous.

  5. She was breefly on Matchmaker Millionaire.... lemme see if I can find a clip. Okay, she's thorough.

    The basic jist is on this forum.

  6. My My old Lovah Number would be 64 T and thats 2 Years older then my Daddy!
    On the other hand...27 and thats like Justin Timberlakes age and we all know what I want to do with him! If you dont...Well Hand me a Bottle of Tabasco Baby cuz he's a spicy one he is!

  7. I saw that yesterday, but the video has been removed by the user. Anyhow, she looks like someone who should never have become famous.

    You do realise that Justin Timberlake's balls haven't even dropped yet, right?

  8. LOL! Id love to be there when they do!!


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