Friday, April 30, 2010

It's Betties Q & A Day!

Happy, wonderful, delicious Friday, Betty-lovers. It's time for another installment of our infamous advice column, and damn, have we got something for you. Seriously, I don't know where we dig up these people, but of course we never reveal our sources or tell people that they're freaks. (Unless they're really freaky). Send us your questions/concerns/comments/favourite sexual positions to laynie2@gmail.com and we'll get back to you, anonymously, right here each week. Let us get on with the business of telling you how things are.



Dear Betties,


My girlfriend is really wild in bed, but last week she surprised me by putting her finger in my asshole and I have never cum so hard in my life. I want her to do it again, but I don't want to admit that I liked it. I've never been attracted to guys, but since I did really like ass play, am I gay?


-Back Door Guy-


Twills Says,

Dear Anal Lover,


Let's see...  Your girlfriend, by definition, is a girl, n'est-ce pas?  Not a dude dressed as a girl?  Does she have soft skin and dainty hands?  Does she have *gasp* a vagina?  Because I'm going out on a limb with this one... that unless your girlfriend is a guy, then you're not gay.  You just like it when she milks your prostate, which is entirely natural and though I have no prostate of my own, I'm sure is quite pleasurable.   Just unclench your butt cheeks and submit.  And don't be such a frigging baby!


That's all,

Twills

XOXO



Pina says,

I'm with Twills on this one. If what you have on your hands is really a woman, than you should really have no problem.
Do some experimenting. If you liked the little bit of ass play, perhaps you and your gal should experiment a little bit more. Check out a sex store together, read some erotica to each other, learn what else you like. There's a whole lot of sex to be had out there, and while finding out what you like, you can totally enjoy yourself along the way.
(I suggest starting out with some small anal beads)


Good luck and enjoy!

Readers, join in and help our friend out, maybe by sharing some of your funkier sexcapades!

Well gentle friends, here ends another fun and fulfilling Friday. Remember, send us your questions to laynie2@gmail.com, and we will give you the solution to your problems, or maybe just a good old talking to if you're doing what you shouldn't be.


Love,
The Betties

XOX(definitely no touching)


*Twills edit:  Pina, how we gonna get all up on them if we don't touch them?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Why People Suck: Wednesdays

I'm sure you all have people like this friended on Facebook.  Breeders.  People who have albums upon albums full of pictures of their kids.  I know I do; I'm guilty of this myself.  However, I also have a few friends/distant relatives that are caption-happy.


Not only do they have hundreds of pictures of their baby, they like to write captions under them, too.  Not only do they write captions like, "This one was taken at Grandma's house", they like to write captions from the baby's point of view.  Things like, "I am loving being at Grandma's house right now!"  Or, "Here I am looking cute in my new shirt!".


Ugh.  Stop.  Now.


It's all just a little too twee.  If they were writing captions like, "Fuck this shit", "Get me the fuck away from these assholes", "Want BOOB!!!!", or the ever popular "I'm about to shit myself", it might actually be accurate.  Babies do not currently have a point of view!  Sooner or later, they will have a one and when they do I hope it's to rail against your fuckery!  At which point do these people come to the realisation that their cooing through the bars of the crib actually mirrors a bystander looking through the bars on the windows of an insane asylum, watching a patient? There is a very, very fine line between cutesy and lunacy.




People who narrate their baby pictures.  They suck.  Since it is Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth:  Why do people suck?


That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Ms. Twills If You're Nasty


The Betties have been called "FemiNazi Lezbots" before.  Shocking, I know.  Offensive?  Not really.  The word "Nazi" is offensive, but by it's definition The Betties are in no way affiliated with Nazi principles, obviously, so I really wouldn't take offense to anything so blatantly untrue. 


Lezbots.  Well, that's a different one.  Lesbian + Robot = Lezbot, is that what we're aiming at?  To call someone a lesbian, or to deny that oneself is a lesbian implies that there is something wrong with being a lesbian.  Therefore, I will not even justify this "insult" by refuting it.  The Betties love them some gays, let me tell you.


Feminist.  Now that's a word I can get into.  Yes, readers.  I do self-describe as a feminist; and why not?  Just because I care deeply about the rights of women (and by extension, children) around the world does not mean that I fit into the stereotypical feminist role.


For instance, you will never catch me with hairy armpits or wearing a lumberjack coat.  I like to use words like hooker, slut, bitch and whore and though I realise how damaging words and labels like this are, I'm not so strict as to discontinue them in my vocabulary when saying them gives me such pleasure.  Bitches.  See?  It rolls off the tongue so nicely.  (Though if you want to talk to me about your period I will cut a bitch down, okay?  Just sayin'.)


Ever since I was a very young child, I have used the title "Ms." instead of "Miss". My mother was dead set against it and tried to discourage me.  She always said that the title "Ms." was for divorced women.  It was said mildly yet firmly, but what it really meant was, "The title 'Ms.' is for divorced women, and divorced women have loose morals so I don't want you to be associated with them."  And damn, wasn't she right?  When she became a divorced woman twenty years later she did become a woman with loose morals!  The irony!  (And it was about time, quite frankly!)


Ms. Twills if you're nasty.  One of my own personal theme songs.  How much better would this have been if Janet had said "Ms." instead of "Miss"?  Gyrating and sexuality included.  *nods*





That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Friday, April 23, 2010

Bettie's Friday Q and A



Hello folks. It's Friday, and that means we have a question sent in by a reader to Laynie2@gmail.com who thinks we can solve her problem.


Can we solve her problem? Of course we can! We're The Betties. What the hell else do you think we are good at besides giving advice and blogging about our over-exciting lives??

So, on with the healing.

Dear Betties;

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a very long time, and just can't seem to get the bun into the oven.
I finally convinced him we needed to go see a specialist to see if there was something wrong with one or both of us.
After a myriad of tests, being poked, prodded and filled with hormones, we were called in for the results.
Apparently, my vagina destroys my husband's sperm the minute the little buggers swim in there, and they send out the "ATTACK and DESTROY" command.
Of course that's not how he said it, but the point is, his sperm is weak, and my vagina is a hostile environment for his seed.
There is a good chance we will never be able to conceive.
My husband and I are both heartbroken, and I feel incredibly ashamed of my bear trap of a vagina.
Have you heard of this before? Is there anything you know of that we can do?
I really need some advice!

signed,

Vicious Vagina.

Pina says:

Dear VV;

I am sorry to hear of your problem, and yes, I have heard of it before. You could go a few different ways with this.

The first piece of advice I have for you is to try the Lesbian Turkey Baster Impregnation. If it is simply your vagina that is hostile, a turkey baster full of your husband's best swimmers might make it past and into your uterus, impregnating you.
This is not a sure-fire answer, and it may take several tries.

Your second, and much more expensive route is in-vitro fertilization. This can cost tens of thousands of dollars, and there is no guarantee here either.

A third and wonderful idea would be to consider adoption. There are thousands of children wanting parents as much as you are wanting to have children.

I wish you luck with whichever choice you make, and I hope you achieve your goal.

Good Luck.





Twills says,


Dear Va-jay -jay,


You're asking us as if we're medical professionals.  Though I am very self-righteous and kind of a know-it-all, I am not a medical professional.  If you're a narcissist and also quite rich, try I.V.F.  You could also just try the old fashioned way, fuck like the dickens (why isn't this a commonly used expression?) and babies just usually happen by accident.


Yes, and adopt.  You can start a mini-United Nations right at home.  You can get one child from every continent if you want.  You can be like Madonna or Brangelina!


Something else you might want to consider is hanging out around the local high school, looking for pregnant teens, Glee styles.  You can even wear a fake baby bump like Terry did on Glee, and when the results of the teenage love tryst is born, pretend that it's yours!  No one will ever know.


Hope this helps.  And seriously, talk more to your doctor.  If you don't like what he or she has to say, go to a different one.


That's all,

Twills

XOXO


Until next time, bitches.  Betties out.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Anonymous Monday


Once again, I've got a communicable disease, people.  Not The Clap this time, though.  I've got the conjunctivitis!  Doesn't that sound sexy?  


I'm miserable!  Make me laugh so hard that I cry, because right now, I really just want to cry.  Not only because I have posted a picture of Avril Lavigne *shudder*  I used to go to the same church as that bitch occasionally, back in the day.  They were the pew-jumping, tongue-speaking, "feeling the spirit of Jesus rushing through your body" kind of congregation.  So it's no wonder the poor thing turned out the way she did!  Picture her in this type of environment next time you see that stupid camera commercial of hers, or have to suffer through one of her songs.  See?  I just made myself feel better by dissing a 'celebrity'.  Let's dis celebrities today.  Go!


That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Friday, April 16, 2010

Betties Day?

Happy Friday, gentle readers. Our very popular Betties Day will not be featured this week, as we are spending the day doing "site maintenance". We hope to hop right back on that horse next week, and in the meantime you can send your questions, comments or general bitchiness to laynie2@gmail.com.

Sincerely,


The Betties

XOXO

(harder!)




*wicked as f@#$ image courtesy of Deviant Art*



Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Why People Suck

Do you really, really want to know why people suck?  People suck because they never know what day of the week it is.  Certain people even forget to put the kids' karate belts in their backpacks before school, because they don't even realise that it's Wednesday.  Some people suck so hard that they don't post blogs in the morning because they think it's Tuesday again.  That is how much people suck.  So you tell me.  Why do people suck, for you, today?





This is Twills*.  Rollin' in her Mom-mobile, pretending like she knew it was Wednesday all along and that she was totally prepared.  Frontin' like Dilf didn't just buy her a minivan yesterday and that's why she wrote that post last week. 




*People who talk about themselves in the third person suck donkey chocha.  Yes.  Chocha.  Heh.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Anonymous Monday

Happy Monday, bitches.  We all know Monday is the worst day of the week, so let's talk about something that will put us into a really good mood.  The Betties would like to know when you last had some afternoon delight.  Join us in a song, then spill the details in the comments.  Remember to post as "Anonymous".


That's all,


The Betties

XOXO

(close the blinds!)



Friday, April 9, 2010

It's Q and A Friday, folks!!

Hey there loyal and new readers! It's Friday, one of the Bettie's favourite day, as you write to us with a question about your life (ALWAYS anonymous), and we get to tell you what to do.Questions are sent to Laynie2@gmail.com by Wednesday night, and we will get out our advice paraphernalia and crystal love balls and give it our best shot- Bettie style.

Question one:



Dear Betties,

I have a problem that I think I may have caused myself, and I'm wondering if you can help me. A while ago, a friend that I have (we're sort of friends with benefits-if you know what I mean) had just got himself a brand spanking new TV. I asked him what he was doing with his old TV (a nice 32' flat screen) and he said, "Nothing. You want it?) Did I want a free flat screen TV? Oh Hell yeah I did! We went on about our night together which ended with us sleeping together. This was not new, we had been sleeping together on and off for two and a half years.
When I woke up the next morning and loaded my great new TV into my car, I began to wonder to myself.

Was I a Whore?

I had just slept with someone and had received what could be thought of as payment in my great new TV. I wondered if that was different from taking money, or was it just a great deal that got me laid (which I liked) and a new TV came that came that my way.

What do you say Betties? Am I a hooker? Did I just turn a trick, or did I just get a TV from a friend? Please help, I'm feeling so confused.

Signed;

Hooker? or Friends with Benefits?




Twills Says,


Hooker, please.  Why are people constantly asking The Betties if they're promiscuous?  It's not as if it's a problem.  Total non-issue for me.  I don't necessarily think you're a prostitute, you're just a slut.  That said, you might as well get paid for it since you were going to hand that poon out all over town anyway.  Just spread your sleaze and not the disease.  You might as well buy the wholesale box of condoms, because I feel sure that you will need them.


That's all,

Twills

XOXO





Pina says;

Twills and I are on the same page here, too.I don't think you are a hooker, but it does seem kinda cheap to have sex and get presents out of it. Then again, hell, if someone wants to give you a swanky new TV and it's two consenting adults, then you go big, sister! Betties love presents, and obviously you are good at the art of love. Take the TV and enjoy!



Until next week, everyone.  Betties out.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Betties Blender~Its a Mixed up Martini World

In honor of Thursday I the Muffin declare it Thirsty Thursday! If that aint FEM enough then Put on Your Pearls Betties, Im feeling the cocktail hour is among us!
Its Five O'clock Somewhere:

thirst·y (thûrst)
adj. thirst·i·er, thirst·i·est
1. Desiring to drink.
2. Arid; parched: thirsty fields.
3. Craving something: thirsty for news.
4. Very absorbent: a thirsty sponge.
thirsti·ly adv.
thirsti·ness n.


So whats this Thirsty Thursday Shizz all about? Its the Muffins gift to the Bettie's!
Again one of those "Hope You the Loyal Reader" are feeling the interactive call of a Blog that longs to know what you Thirst For! Its not a Gimmick....Its the Muffins Blog and very well may undergo several transformations in its rise to the top of the Blog Popularity Poll.....Oh Im talking about the which Bettie You Like Better...
SHAMELESS PLUG: Pick Muffin

No you don't have to send the requests for Thirsty Thursday to Laynie2@gmail.com
But your ask the Bettie's advise questions are preferred there!

Examples of Thirst may include but are not limited to:

Cocktail Recipes:

2 Shots of Grey Goose Vodka (Or Cheaper Vodka if the economy has got ya down...)
2 Shots Vermouth (Optional if you just wanna Vodka it)

2 Spanish Queen Olives on a cute stir stick of some sort or not
(set aside for a hot effin second)
2 - 1/2 Tsp of Olive Juice
2 Martini Glasses (Or Red Solo Cups)
1 Bar Shaker `I have several so pick your favorite

The Vodka and Vermouth go in the shaker with a few chunks of ice: Shake or Schwirl* (*pronunciation after one) depending on your personal feeling about bruising the Vodka...if that's even possible...I actually get bruises from Vodka...So I shake the fucker!
Take one olive per glass and pour the Shaken Liquid of Love in equal parts over the olives in the Martini Glasses
Take the 1/2 tsp of Olive Juice and pour in each Glass of Liquid Love
Let it breath for a Hot Second and then drink ~Limit for the Muffin is 2!
Well it used to be, until the Pimentos which I described at the time in a very very whining voice as "palmettos", shot out my nose via the Liquid Love Induced Puking!
So just be careful....and: Know, that I will never eat Olives again!


Perhaps Your Thirst is for Knowledge: Topic suggestions are welcome in the comments and I'll do my best or another Bettie will, to answer or address your topic, perhaps even a loyal reader can chime in!

This Bettie's thirst changes very little though: I thirst for Coffee in the morning, and I am trying to become addicted to Water the rest of the day. I have stopped drinking beverages with Sugar....Alcohol sugar does not count! I hear that Once you start really drinking water your body craves it! I have a fear though about all that water! I am afraid my Body may retain it....I'll let you know how that goes!

So there you have it: my new Thirsty Thursday Post! That leaves Tuesday, Saturday and Sunday to fill....We are considering a Guest Bettie Post Day....Anyone wanna take a seat on the Bettie Blog Couch? Blog Guest Sign up as with everything we try to exploit: Can be left in the comments!

~XO MuFfIn OX~

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Why People Suck

Fucking Wednesday.  Hump Day.  Why are you here reading this blog, when you should be out humping someone? 


So I read this post yesterday: LINK!  It reminded me of some of the kinds of people that I hate.  I hate people who drive minivans.  The "regular moms" with the mom jeans and the Katie Holmes haircuts, they suck.  I once received a Facebook message from Blunt Force Mama that said, "I'm surrounded by regular moms!  Halp!"  And it does feel exactly like that.  The hot moms, the kooky moms, the artsy yoga-hippie-granola-hemp moms, the moms who don't do vanilla, we're persecuted.  We are one in a million!  We've gotta rise up!


Every day I'm nearly run over by regular moms in their minivans because they don't know how to back them up.  These bitches suck.  This has got to stop!  If you need a giant vehicle just because Bobby and Greg can't sit next to Marcia or Cindy without pulling their hair or tweaking their nipples...


Wait?  Where did that come from?  Gawd!


Anyhow, you don't need a giant gas guzzling minivan unless you have four kids or more.  You can cram three of them into a Honda Civic.  Seriously, I know this. This is what we do up in here, and it works.  You don't need to drive a minivan, and you most certainly don't need this shit on the back window, unless you suck:





Even the fucking cat made an appearance.


Don't you even try to pretend like this is not a minivan:

 




That's a fucking minivan, folks. And you know you suck.  Now tell me, Betty Lovers.  Why do people that drive minivans suck so much ass?


That's all,

Twills

XOXO


*Don't forget to send in your questions for Q & A Friday to laynie2@gmail.com.  We need them by tonight if we're going to be able to help your asses, or help you score some ass... or whatever you want from us.  Because you know you want us. ;)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Anonymous Monday


Hello, everyone!  Welcome to another Anonymous Monday.  Today I am stuck in the house with three kids and it's raining.  In order to help me get through this, I want you to tell me something shocking.


Party in the comments.  Go!


That's all, 


Twills

XOXO

(get your hand off my ass)



Saturday, April 3, 2010

Why I love me, and Now you can love me too...

So I had a comment from an "unnamed source" mention that I might be slightly egotistical. I don't disagree! Well wait...I do actually disagree a little....I'm actually a lot egotistical! I don't see anything wrong with thinking my shit doesn't stink....Ive actually smelt it, and I maintain that my shit doesn't stink! So anyway, Its been a while since I gave a how to love yourself seminar and why its important! I dont charge for this good common sense shit either so if you take nothing from this thats useful, then you suck. Dont ask for a refund! This is my blogger profile, as you can see I am lickable! That's Hunka wanting to lick me! Hunka is one of the reasons I am so damn egotistical! This man Loves My Fricken Guts! He loves me more then my kids, and more then my parents! Its actually quite sick how much he does love me! He loves me so much that there are days he is so paralyzed by my awesomeness, that he just stares at me with this washed over blank stare! Those are the days that I'm at my most egotistical best! Those are also the days any other man or beast would run screaming for the hills! Ok Ok Ok....So on with it!

Simply Put I believe: If you aren't happy, that's your own fault! I spent many years not happy. When it came right down to it, I decided to change! So...suggestion 1: decide right now that you are going to be happy! Its really easy!


Happy is not a given and doesn't happen 24/7! Suggestion 2: Don't dream so big you cant realize it...Set obtainable Happy goals! For each shitty thing that happens in a day or along the way find a more positive outlook on it....example: I was having a beer with my Bestie's and Was WAY bragging to a friend in another state via a phone call that the temperature, the sunset, the Beer, and company were perfect.....Just at the time he was preparing for a long night shift on the job....I was happy! As Karma would have it...for bragging that is....A Seagull Shit on me! For the record....seagull shit smells like rotten fish, further proof that my own shit does not stink!......Ackkkkkk!!! Did I let that ruin my evening? No, because even though I was Bragging and Karma was Karma~ing... Being Shit on by a bird is good luck!
And knowing I was shit on for bragging, I took the high road, I told my friend that I was bragging to ...that a Gull had Just shit on me....his reply: Ha! Karma, Bitch! Me Being Shit on~ also made him Happy....I do enjoy bringing happiness to those around me! I simply refused to have a shitty evening...Pun intended!

I spend several days a month reassessing if I'm still happy and I spend a few minutes each day deciding how I can and will be happier in the future. You too can do this!
Final Suggestion: Just Stay Positive! Stop Bitching! Suck it up and take your Lumps, You'll be happier for it!
Its easier then you think to find a positive prospective/perspective...If you are a pessimistic person then you choose to be negative! Don't tell me that you choose this so you aren't disappointed in the long run...Thats a Load of Gull Shit my friend...Cuz Im not disappointed in the long run either! Im Happy and I know it and my life it surely shows it, and you can be happy too ....Just make the decision and Clap you Hands!

There is a pondering on my blogger profile that says:
"If you had only one wish to grant for one person who would it be for and what would you grant them...." This question was posed to me in 2004....I answered ...If I could grant one wish for one person, it would be for me and I would be happy.... With a Red marker, mark Happy as DONE!

Good Luck and Be Happy!
XO~Muffin~OX

Friday, April 2, 2010

It's Friday and that means it's Betties Advice Day.

Happy Friday, Bettie lovers; time for another episode of Bettie's Advice Blog.

Today we have a letter from a concerned reader who has developed what she feels may be a new problem for her.


Lets see what all the Betties have to say.




Dear Betties;

I am slightly over 40, attractive, but I'm afraid I am turning into a huge slut! I have taken many lovers in the last 6 months,(by many I mean more then 6, less than 15) and I have found that after having sex with them once or maybe twice I never call them back, I ignore their texts and phone calls. Basically if I see them in public, I act like I don't know them.
This is a pretty small town,and I'm sure these Men will soon be talking to each other if they already aren't. I know the town gossip Women are...
Why am I acting like this? I'm sure I would not want to be treated this way, and I just don't think I'm intentionally being a bitch, but I wonder. Is there something wrong with me? How do I change this horrible behaviour?
signed;
The slippery sexual road in a small town.


Pina says:

Dear slippery sex,

I have always been of the mind that if you are having a sexual relationship with a consenting adults, go big! This letter, however, makes me want to crazy glue your legs together. Though you don't mention it, I'm going to assume at least one of these men is Married. That breaks one of only this Betties absolute no-nos. In fact, it is a relationship breaker. I don't want my man putting his wang anywhere it's not supposed to be, which would be near any vag but mine.
You can bet the neighbours are talking, and it ain't about your pretty new hair-do.
You do have a problem, and it is not one that the Betties will truly be able to help you with.
It sounds like you have a serious sexual obsession/addiction, and need to consult someone who works in this field. And I would do it quick. The last thing you need is a gangful of jealous wives ganging up on you in the local Piggly Wiggly to snatch your head bald.

I wish you luck, but get help. Soon. Like now. Today.



Twills Says,

Dear Slutty Whore,


Lighten the fuck up, for fuck's sake.  If you are consenting adults there is no problem with any of this.  You're not taking advantage of these men, are you?  As long as you're not in a position of authority over them, like you're their boss or they're your kids' friends, then this is a non-issue for me.  Just use condoms, please.  We like to spread the love but not the disease.  And remember to go in for a pap smear, when you're sleeping around a lot you need one more frequently than the one year mark, just to be safe. Eff 'em and forget 'em, girl.  You have my blessing.


That's all.

Twills

XOXO




Dear Laughing my ass off at the "Dear Names" we come up with on here!
So many things have just run through my head including a Marine Corp Marathon worth of "Slippery When" sayings... but, Im now making this about me and it suppose to be about you....so lets begin shall we? It appears you, like another writer several weeks ago appear to be asking permission to follow a less then moral sexual path...So lets look at the Facts: You can only be a slut in your early to mid 20's! There is no such thing as a 40+ slut! Also if you are keeping it "Milfy" which it appears you are by your own admission of being the town pound, then you are also following the holy grail of fuckability and for this you get a Bettie Fist Bump! Please do follow the Gay Math guidelines....40 year olds with 20 year olds lends itself to Creepy middle school teacher does 8th grade football qtr back images and that's pedophilia my friend and freakin me out so keep the cougaring to a reasonable age limit! Now my fellow Betties, no doubt, have mentioned wearing or using condoms...Blah Blah, Listen at 40 You very well may not need the Birth Control...Unlike an unnamed Bettie...The Bitch Gets Preggers when Fish Spawn...and Im sure you are keeping it safe....but just in case you forgot to pick up the Trojan Vibrating Sperma-Lube Ribbed with the anal tickler at the drug store...Sexually Transmitted Crotch Crawlers are on the rise within your age bracket...Actually Sexually Transmitted disease amongst Senior Citizens (Affectionately referred to as the Blue Hairs)is also on the rise but this Bettie just threw up in her mouth a little thinking about it! Be Safe My Bettie...and knock the Bottom out that Thang!

~The Love Muffin!




Um.  Wow, Betties.  That was great.  So until next week, I'll leave you all with a musical selection.