Hello folks. It's Friday, and that means we have a question sent in by a reader to Laynie2@gmail.com who thinks we can solve her problem.
Can we solve her problem? Of course we can! We're The Betties. What the hell else do you think we are good at besides giving advice and blogging about our over-exciting lives??
So, on with the healing.
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a very long time, and just can't seem to get the bun into the oven.
I finally convinced him we needed to go see a specialist to see if there was something wrong with one or both of us.
After a myriad of tests, being poked, prodded and filled with hormones, we were called in for the results.
Apparently, my vagina destroys my husband's sperm the minute the little buggers swim in there, and they send out the "ATTACK and DESTROY" command.
Of course that's not how he said it, but the point is, his sperm is weak, and my vagina is a hostile environment for his seed.
There is a good chance we will never be able to conceive.
My husband and I are both heartbroken, and I feel incredibly ashamed of my bear trap of a vagina.
Have you heard of this before? Is there anything you know of that we can do?
I really need some advice!
I am sorry to hear of your problem, and yes, I have heard of it before. You could go a few different ways with this.
The first piece of advice I have for you is to try the Lesbian Turkey Baster Impregnation. If it is simply your vagina that is hostile, a turkey baster full of your husband's best swimmers might make it past and into your uterus, impregnating you.
This is not a sure-fire answer, and it may take several tries.
Your second, and much more expensive route is in-vitro fertilization. This can cost tens of thousands of dollars, and there is no guarantee here either.
A third and wonderful idea would be to consider adoption. There are thousands of children wanting parents as much as you are wanting to have children.
I wish you luck with whichever choice you make, and I hope you achieve your goal.
Dear Va-jay -jay,
You're asking us as if we're medical professionals. Though I am very self-righteous and kind of a know-it-all, I am not a medical professional. If you're a narcissist and also quite rich, try I.V.F. You could also just try the old fashioned way, fuck like the dickens (why isn't this a commonly used expression?) and babies just usually happen by accident.
Yes, and adopt. You can start a mini-United Nations right at home. You can get one child from every continent if you want. You can be like Madonna or Brangelina!
Something else you might want to consider is hanging out around the local high school, looking for pregnant teens, Glee styles. You can even wear a fake baby bump like Terry did on Glee, and when the results of the teenage love tryst is born, pretend that it's yours! No one will ever know.
Hope this helps. And seriously, talk more to your doctor. If you don't like what he or she has to say, go to a different one.
Until next time, bitches. Betties out.