Thursday, May 27, 2010
Happy Friday, Minions,
Here I am, Pina.
There have been some questions that imply that I do not really exist, that I am a Betties alter ego, the one they can blame all their grammatical mistakes, bad punctuation, and low readership on.
So I am going to tell you a little bit about myself (not too much, because I've already had a stalker or two, and a lot of my life is none of your business, frankly.
Like our gorgeous Twills, I too am Canadian, but I'm on the other coast from her, over here a few hours north of Seattle. Twills is a little more snarky than me, and I tend to shoulder the majority of the sarcasm. I've always been sarcastic, and it's gotten to the point I have been sarcastic for so long that all my tones of voice sound the same- full of wit and sarcasm.
I am always honest, and what you see here on blogger or facebook is exactly what I am.
I've never told anyone I weigh 120. cause I don't.
I'm not going to tell you I model in my spare time, cause I don't.
I'm no MILF, like our Twills. (Mostly because my uterus is moving around like a tumbleweed in there) but also because Twills is hot enough to get assaulted by old men wielding meat, where as I get pinched on the ass on the crowded train.
I think I have a good sense of humour, and so do the two or three friends I have.
I live alone with my three cats (go ahead, asshat, make the little old lady with too many cats jokes)
I have three blog sites, some that are family safe, some that are a little more raunchy, and some of them are artistic and creative. At least I hope they are. I have been blogging here and on myspace for well over 4 years now, and while I have been slow to add a lot to this page, I will be making a better effort to post more often.
I think that's a fair introduction to me, and it fits in with this week's theme:
Instead of having us answer a question that someone mailed into us at Laynie2@gmail.com, we are going to allow you, our readers, the chance to ask us anything you want. If you feel shy, go ahead and be anonymous. We will do our best to answer every question, but try to be relatively clean, OK folks? You're not going to find out id the curtains match the carpet if you ask me.
Let's just try and have some fun, and you can get to know Twills and I better, making you more informed Betties minions.
Go ahead- give us your best.
XOXOX(Questions only, NO touching)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The weather is warming up in my part of Canada. This is a really long process it seems, but we're getting there, finally. I tend to dress in layers. Tank, shirt, sweater, jacket... that sort of deal. You need to do this, because you never know when you're going to start sweating, or when you'll catch a cool breeze and the headlights come on. What? It happens!
Since the mornings are still so cold and the afternoons are sometimes sweltering, you do run the risk of breaking out into a sweat before you even realise that you need to remove a layer, however. You've got to watch out for that because no one wants a Milf with sweaty armpits! Decidedly not hot.
There is always that one asshole though. The kind of asshole who will look at your Milfy flop-proof outfit, and that asshole will say, "Aren't you hot?" Asshole, who the fuck cares? Of course I'm *hot*, though not temperature-wise. I am fucking vampire, okay? I'm a lizard! I have Renaud's Disease! I'm perpetually cold and it matches well with my cold, black heart you fecking eejit! I was a cutter and my arms are ugly from the scars! I have tattoos and I'm on the way to the nursing home! My body does not contain fully-oxygenated blood and I have bad circulation combined with low blood pressure! I don't feel like taking this jacket off because it's new and it defines my waist nicely and makes me look thinner! Plus I spilled mustard on my boobs at lunch.
Pick one or more of the above. Does it matter to you if I'm feeling warm in my clothing? It is none of your damned business if I'm hot. Or cold. Or full of chicken pox!
It's Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth. People who ask other people whether or not they are hot? They suck. Tell me, minions. Who sucks?
Monday, May 17, 2010
Monday, minions! I'm way too chipper for a Monday. It's almost as if I woke up and jumped out of bed like a poptart jumps out of a toaster. Clearly there is something wrong with me! Where is my bitch?
Let us make that the question of the day. Where is your bitch and why didn't she show up?
XOXO(enjoy the eye candy)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Happy Friday!D No foreplay today, we'll proceed right to the main event. You send us your questions to email@example.com, and we answer them here on Fridays. Keep the mail coming! We like your feedback as much as we like your comments each week.
OMG! I just caught my neighbour's kid making out in the back yard... She's 14!!!!! Should I tell?..... Every teenager sneaks out, right?
Dear Nosy Bitch,
Lighten up! As long as it seems like she's consenting then there's not an issue. If they were fucking in the back yard, then perhaps I'd say something, even though it would still be none of my business. If you turn her in now then you're kind of an asshole. Don't you remember what it was like to be 14? Leave the poor girl alone!
I'm with Twills on this one. Unless the girl was making out with your husband or the family dog, why are you watching anyhow? How do you know her parents don't already know?Basically, this is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and no one likes a nosy twat for a neighbour.
My husband and I have been married for 15 yrs now, and I am starting to feel like the marriage is slipping. We don't do things together anymore; we hardly talk and we never make love more than once a month. I am still in love with him and want to save my marriage; what should I do?
Try telling him the truth about how you feel. Obviously you've been together a long ass time, you should be able to tell him anything at this point without fear. I'm sure that if he were aware of how you are feeling, you could both take active steps to improve your relationship and to reconnect on a different level.
Whoa! Look at me with the grown up advice! If that doesn't work, offer to swing. I'm pretty sure watching you fuck his best friend while he fucks your best friend would bring the spice back into the relationship real fast.
Communication is key in this issue. If you have been married for 15 (I am assuming good) years, than you should be able to tell him how you feel, see how he is feeling, and perhaps talk about what you can do as a couple to improve each others feelings on the whole subject..
Of course there is always the chance that it is over for him, he's doing his secretary, and he just hasn't had the balls to tell you. If that is the case, get yourself a good lawyer and take the cheating bastard for everything you can.
Well, here endeth another week of sage advice from The Betties. You may ask what qualifies us to give anyone advice and here's why- it has happened to us. All of it.
We have been cheated on, lied to and may have been on the bad guy side of some issues. So, we feel with all our life experience, we can give good, honest advice.
Don't dig the advice? What are you still reading for anyhow?
Until the next batch of questions comes in to Laynie2@gmail.com, try to play nice with each other and we will be back next week with more extremely helpful advice.
XOXO (You could lose an eye trying to touch us)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Good morning minions! I'm willing to bet that because it's Wednesday, and on Wednesdays we tell the truth, that you're wondering why today sucks. Am I right? Here at One For the Road, we don't just wait for you to wonder what sucks, we just tell you; this week however, we're going to let someone else tell The Betties what sucks.
Loyal reader Louminator seems to know, as he made this comment on Monday:
Jacob Lewis said...
I can tell you What Sucks on Wednesday. No blogs from the Betties! Get better already!
Well Lou, to tell you the truth there are not enough antibiotics in the world to keep us Betties in fine form it seems. So today, the thing that sucks is that The Betties have been neglecting you. How will you ever function without at least a weekly dose of snark? You need more Milf Lessons! Haven't you been dying to know the answers to all of the love questions you've been sending to firstname.lastname@example.org?
The Betties have been remiss, if you must know. We've been neglecting your mental health, we've been letting you drive your kids to school in your minivan wearing pajama bottoms. One of you was thinking of going to the salon to get The Kate Gosselin hacked onto your head! For shame! Don't do it, bitches! The Betties are back, and there's a change coming.
Now minions, it's Wednesday. What sucks for you, right here, right now? We need to know these things, and we need to know them now.
Monday, May 10, 2010
See you Wednesday for What Sucks Wednesday.
Until then, beat it, lurkers!
Love, The Betties.
XOXO (I'll beat you with a pack of ribs if you touch me)
Sunday, May 9, 2010
On this fine day, The Betties would like to wish you all a very happy Mother's Day. We hope you received the gift of multiple orgasms with your breakfast in bed.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Everyone knows that I love a pervert. I come from a family in which sexual assault is a normal form of greeting. Instead of a "Hello", you might possibly be groped or fondled. Though I should say, this is just the women. The men are more apt to tell you how sexy you've been looking lately.
I do love perversion and perverted jokes are my favourite, but I do know that there are times when it goes too far. I was alone at the grocery store on Sunday, which is pure fucking heaven. You child-free people don't understand how fucking awesome it is to be able to caress the melons and give the loaves a good squeeze. From across the aisle I saw an old dude that I knew, and I couldn't resist yelling out, "Hey good looking!". That was my mistake.
Not only did he hug me, *shudder* (don't touch The Twills unless I'm having sex with you or I gave birth to you, please), he also told me how good I was looking. Duh. That I didn't look like I'd had three kids at all because I was sooooo sexy. My body is slammin', he said, only in old man language. All this was well and good, because who the fuck doesn't want to be told that they're one fine assed bitch?
All of this was funny and greatly amusing to me, but I said my goodbyes and continued on in my fruit molesting mode... Then I had to reach up to the top shelf for something, and the old dude slapped me on the ass WITH A PACKAGE OF RIBS!!! He told me that my ass is just as hot as it was when we met. WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN!!! Gross! Pervs like him give the rest of us a bad name!!!
I thought, "Well at least it wasn't a pinch", but then I remembered that it was a package of fucking salmonella infused PORK. *puke* I don't even eat that shit, I don't want to be slapped on the ass with it. And what was he doing looking at my teenage ass when he's in his seventies?!!!
The fine line between perv and creep had been crossed, and there is no going back. So for this week's "Why People Suck", I'm going to start and say that creepy pervs suck. Tell me Minions, who sucks?
XOXO (get that meat off my ass)
P.S. Don't forget to submit your questions/comments to email@example.com so that we can dole out some snark for Friday.
*Image swiped from here.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
What is it about men? Show me a fancy gentleman in an argyle sweater vest and I will scarcely check to see if he's cute or has junk in his trunk. Nice, safe boys? No fun. What I love is a bad boy.
It seems almost a given that I have either been with you or will have been into you if you share any one of the following attributes:
--You're in a band. Heck yes. A boy once told me that girls fall for guitarists all the time because they have hot licks and fast fingers. *nods*
--You've been given the gift of sarcasm. You are a smart ass. You have a dry sense of humour. You are witty and love to make fun of people in such a way as they don't necessarily understand that you're doing it. As long as you direct that at other people and not at me, you make me hot. We have guys like that right here at One For the Road, and I'm sure they'll be joining us soon, in the comments. ;)
--You have tattoos. Hell, even if they're on your FACE. Even if they're stupid... It seems I will fall for you.
--Have you ever been to jail? That's hot.
--Are you punk as fuck? We can be punk as fuck together.
--Do you have a motorcycle? Alternatively, do you drive a big old rusty farm truck? Yes, I've fallen for that, too. Both.
--Were you once a manwhore? Do you think that a good idea for foreplay is to tell me details about other chicks that you've slept with? Yeah, I think I've dated you too.
--You don't have a job? That's okay, you can come live with me.
--Oh, but you still live with your parents? Sure, we can make out in their basement!
--Do you commonly speak in Ebonics even though you white as Minute Rice? Ima be up on yo ass.
--Why yes, I do like the occasional left-handed cigarette, thank you very much.
--You've got a fast car? I've got a plan to get us out of here.
There is just something about a bad boy. They're dangerous. I don't want to save them, but I want them to have saved themselves. Not to fix them because I think they're damaged; I don't want to apply myself to them like a poultice. I love them for who they are: dark, mysterious past included.
Now tell me ladies, Dapper Dandy or Bad Boy, and why?
Monday, May 3, 2010
Alright all you creepy stalkers. We see you hanging around our blog, poking at it with your wannabe witty comments yet for some reason you do not comment.
We have given you topics, we have given you free reign. Neither seems to draw you out with enough guts to comment.
No one forces you to come and read, and though we do write for ourselves, we post it to amuse or inform or entertain you, and yet again, we get no comments.
I see one reader who consistently comments, someone I don't know, perhaps a good friend of Twills, but I do not know Jacob. I wanted to thank him for his kind comments the other day, and that is what has given me an idea for the anonymous topic.
Why do you bother to read yet not comment?Is it simply more fun to read and just move on without even saying we suck? and if you do feel that way, why are you here at all?
Since you can be anonymous on this day, let's have it. Your love, your hate, whatever it is that keeps you stalking around this blog.
-Pina XOX (Get that hand away from me)