Everyone knows that I love a pervert. I come from a family in which sexual assault is a normal form of greeting. Instead of a "Hello", you might possibly be groped or fondled. Though I should say, this is just the women. The men are more apt to tell you how sexy you've been looking lately.
I do love perversion and perverted jokes are my favourite, but I do know that there are times when it goes too far. I was alone at the grocery store on Sunday, which is pure fucking heaven. You child-free people don't understand how fucking awesome it is to be able to caress the melons and give the loaves a good squeeze. From across the aisle I saw an old dude that I knew, and I couldn't resist yelling out, "Hey good looking!". That was my mistake.
Not only did he hug me, *shudder* (don't touch The Twills unless I'm having sex with you or I gave birth to you, please), he also told me how good I was looking. Duh. That I didn't look like I'd had three kids at all because I was sooooo sexy. My body is slammin', he said, only in old man language. All this was well and good, because who the fuck doesn't want to be told that they're one fine assed bitch?
All of this was funny and greatly amusing to me, but I said my goodbyes and continued on in my fruit molesting mode... Then I had to reach up to the top shelf for something, and the old dude slapped me on the ass WITH A PACKAGE OF RIBS!!! He told me that my ass is just as hot as it was when we met. WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN!!! Gross! Pervs like him give the rest of us a bad name!!!
I thought, "Well at least it wasn't a pinch", but then I remembered that it was a package of fucking salmonella infused PORK. *puke* I don't even eat that shit, I don't want to be slapped on the ass with it. And what was he doing looking at my teenage ass when he's in his seventies?!!!
The fine line between perv and creep had been crossed, and there is no going back. So for this week's "Why People Suck", I'm going to start and say that creepy pervs suck. Tell me Minions, who sucks?
XOXO (get that meat off my ass)
P.S. Don't forget to submit your questions/comments to firstname.lastname@example.org so that we can dole out some snark for Friday.
*Image swiped from here.