Meet Your Bettie's...A Muffin Perspective

Let Muffin Introduce you to the Bettie's:
In the Beginning there were Two and it squared and now there are Four:

To Start: A Pina and a Twills ...No they are the not ships that brought the pilgrims to the new world you assholes...They are the "Betties" ~ "One for the Road" ~ "Blog Whores"~ with reputations to match. Who's pen-man-ships are delivered with humor and smack, not sweaty, diseased stowaways, seeking a better life in the land of fruit and plenty! They're frickin Canadian for Christ sake! You think they wanna stow away and loose their health care?

Pina~ a spinster drunk, who lets her cat get stoned on the nip, has nothing better to do then smoke like a chimney all day...all the while pondering why she cant tell her mom her periods late! Shes not Pregnant...
You have to have sex to get pregnant...I dont know if shes ever had sex...Listen she'll tell you the womb is barren, she told me the first time we spoke...Hey you whiner, have a teenager hang out for a few days, you'll not find that such a bad thing....Stop Braggin! I'm thinking that the reason she has never given birth is she cant come to terms with discussing her menstrual cycles, and in order to intentionally become pregnant you do need to discuss the cause and effect of your period! Plus, you cant get pregnant "Mary" if you don't screw! (Im projecting a little, sorry Christian readers and we can debate this later, Im not sure Mary didn't hook up with God outside the feed store and get it on!)
Pina, put down the "Rabbit", find you a man, and get you some already!

Twills~ A "MILFY" Canadian House wife- Thats the title she gave herself...Listen up buttercup, to be "milfy": other people give you the title...You egotistical wench!
So you look like a throw back of a 1920's swinger pin up girl with great hair, and your kids are absolutely adorable, funny, and precocious....You got lucky! Oh...and your husband has great genes...and as you have pointed out and on more then one occasion he has great JEANS! I bet if you didn't put out on the first date you wouldn't have gotten pregnant, and the "Milfy House Wife" of your DILF would look all together differently then you do now! A trapped man will always succumb to his surroundings! Jealous Much?

Our Third: Char- Who are you? Do you even exist? I heard a rumor you live in the Sunshine State...me too Bitch, we should do lunch or some shizzzzzz!


and the Fourth-Me!... Muffin!...Bransfun!...Bransalicious!... Yours Truly!...The Unofficial Mayor of Yoville.... I'm simply Fabulous as you all already know and I'm Wicked with my keyboard!

XO Muffin says~ Bring it Betties!

Twills: Anonymous, Bitches!

It's time, people.  It's time for you to start commenting.  Now I know that we are narcissistic enough to just keep on blogging without caring what the fuck you people think of us.  However, our egos are taking a slight dent (I said slight, don't get all crazy assed) because we keep writing, and you people don't say anything about it!  Well, most of you.  We do have our loyal victims... I mean... commenters that make our day a hell of a lot brighter; and thank you for that. 

We're only here for you, gentle readers!  Even the people who write in with advice don't even comment to tell us if they like the advice or not.  Rude!  After all the trouble we go through to bring the snark and the lolz to you people, you'd think you could as least comment once in a while with a "Heh" or a "Kudos" or even a "Who the fuck do you bitches think you are?" sort of deal.  I would even be happy with a little annoying smiley!  ;)

I've been inspired lately by this:  LINK!  This chick holds an Anonymous Monday on her blog, and we need one here.  We're going to give you a chance, one chance to redeem yourselves for your silence.  Comment on this blog as anonymous.  For those trolls and lurkers who don't know, click on "Comments" below.  Then you use your keyboard to type characters into the big white box.  See that box?  You can't miss it.  Then you use your mouse to click on that little arrow-thingy that points down.  You see that?  Okay.  So click on that, then there's a bunch of mumbo-jumbo down there.  Click on "Anonymous".  It's at the bottom!  Then use your mouse again to click on the button that says, "Post Comment".  Trust me, it will work.  For real.  You have just made your first comment!  Aren't you computer savvy!

We quite often will comment back to you, or someone else will.  Then you can check back later, or if you're me, completely fucking stalk the eff out of the blog until someone does write something that you can respond to.  It will open a dialogue, thus making The Betties' blogging experience more fulfilling, and thereby making yours more fulfilling in turn.  A happy blogger is a comment-heavy blogger.

Today's theme:

What can The Betties do to improve the blog, to make it more enticing for you, the reader?

Discuss.  (And when I say 'Discuss', I fucking mean 'DISCUSS, DAMMIT!' in the comment section).

That's all, 

Twills

XOXO

Is it Getting Better?

SO I find myself at a crossroads of sorts...I'm forty, there is just a few months left before I say I'm forty one and then only 12 additional months until I'm 42...Time is flying by...I have just experienced my first significant death as an adult, of a Peer (I love you Brian, R.I.P.) He was 41, and now I really wonder... is this as good as it gets? Will I ever truly realize my dream of living outside of the continental US? Will I start reading the Obits on a daily basis?

Should I begin to compile my Bucket List?

Will the World End 12/12/12?

Having had, my Grandmother, my Aunt and my friend, all given the news of a terminal illness...and a knowledge of their time for passing being so near, I am amazed at the grace with which they each faced it. As strong as I think I am, I begin to wonder... am I really all that strong? Would I ride a Bull if I thought I only had a limited time left? My Aunt Wrote letters, My Grandmother Spent time with each of her Grandchildren individually, and Im not sure what Brian did for his Family or Children individually, but for his friends he did give and make special time. And when your time is limited as each of theirs was, you realize there is no more precious of a gift then the time that they shared! See... even now with all that looming in my head, and as depressing as it all seems, I find myself wanting to crack a joke! I want to shake my fist at fate and say "Fuck You!" I firmly believe that I am who I choose to be, I am the keeper of my dreams and the do-er of my desires....I will run off with Hunka into seclusion one day! Time has no meaning because I am still young! Ok... So My Tits don't listen...There are Dr's for that! I'm NOT Someones Grandma and I don't feel bad that I'm not so concerned with being someones Grandma someday either...Several of my Friends are Grandparents, Frankly to consider my self a Granny? Well that seems almost ludicrous to me. My carpet don't match the drapes people! The Drapery is gray with out dye...the carpet ain't, well whats left of it anyway! I hear downstairs turns gray too...You know in Granny Type Folks that is.

Neither David nor I care to much if we never become Grandparents! AND Not because we wanna keep the Carpet a luxurious Ebony Hue ... Really! I just don't see myself any different then I did at 25. (It took everything I had to not type 17....I really wanted to type 17 People!) That's not to say that if our Married child or unmarried children decide to spawn seeds, Demon or otherwise, that we wont feel anything for their off spring. I'm sure my entire prospective will change when that happens, I'm just saying, that if it never happens, Id be ok with it!
I have a 15 year old to get out of the house and then I do believe I'm checking the Fuck out! Luggage and Hunka In tow... Im off to some unknown Island where Earthquakes of an 8pt magnitude hit or Tsunami's are a true fear!
Just send me pictures of the Grand-kids....They'll still have a Grand-Dad on the Mainland....After all he'll still be raising his last child...Shes only 7 Months!

Funny how a death makes you realize you want to live!

So I wish you all LIFE! Lots and Lots of Life!

Thats all....
~Muffin

Oh yeah heres a song...Sing along if ya want too!



Ha Ha... I just taught Hunka how to do Gay Math

It's the Betties Friday Advice Day!

Hello gentle readers, it's Friday, which means it's Betties Advice Day. You all know how it works by now, you send in your questions to laynie2@gmail.com before Wednesday night, and we will pick out two each week that we think we can give helpful advice to. Let's see what our mail bag has for us this week.

Dear Betties;



I have a male friend who seems to want to move our friendship in another direction - the bedroom. I am not interested in him in that way and have told him so. To make it more uncomfortable, he is constantly in my space trying to hug me or pat me on the shoulder or brush my hair off my face. I am NOT a huggy-kissy person, and if this continues, I don't even know if the friendship can exist or if it even is worth saving. I have told him bluntly and honestly. What else can I do?

signed,

Too Much Attention.

Pina says:

Dear TMA,

If you have been as honest as you can about how you feel about your friend, it seems like there is very little left for you to do or say. Really, the only advice I have is perhaps you may want to make a pro-con list regarding this friend, and if you decide to stay friends, have one more very blunt conversation about the fact he makes you uncomfortable being in your space. If he doesn't respect your wishes, then perhaps it is time for you both to move on. Sorry that's the best I've got.

Twills says,

Dear Space Saver,

Ew.  If he doesn't want to back that shit up, tell him to fuck off.  There is nothing worse than a close-talker.  FYI, Octo-Man:  If you can smell her breath, she can smell yours!  

If you've already told him clearly and concisely, there isn't much else you can do if he won't get the hint.  If he persists, consider a restraining order.  He's giving me the creeps and I don't even know him.  Gah!

Don't touch me,

Twills

Dear TMA,

I'm sorry your friend doesn't understand clear communication! Perhaps you have a wingman that can step in and or up to the plate and advise him that his unwanted advances will no longer be tolerated? Or sadly perhaps, it is time to close the door on that relationship? I do think it is wise to address the fact that with the friend gone from your life the attention and the advances no longer there you may find your ego missing the friend! Every girl likes to know they are attractive to someone!

The Muffin thinks you're adorable!

Dear Betties;



My husband and I like to watch porn together, sometimes to get ideas to spice up our love life. Lately, he has been bringing a lot of anal porn home. Now we have had anal sex a few times, and although I wasn't a huge fan, I did enjoy the fact that my husband seemed to really get off on it. I didn't really understand the huge attraction, so the other day, I took a small mirror and went into the bathroom to see what all the hubbub was about. I just about screamed out loud!! It was NOTHING like I saw in the porn we watched, and it is extremely unattractive. I have no idea why my husband is so attracted to such an area. I don't mind the act of anal sex, but with the way my no no hole looks, I am not interested in letting my husband see it at all. Help me, please!

Signed;

Away from the No No Hole.

Pina says;

Dear No No Hole;

If you are willing to continue with your husband's new fetish, then there are some things you can do to tidy up and pretty up that spot. First, I suggest a Brazilian wax. Next, there are products on the market that you can use at home to get rid of any staining or discolor. You don't think porn stars are born with sparkling clean anuses, do you? There is work involved. If you are not comfortable with doing a home job, seek out a professional cosmetician or esthetician that knows what she is doing. Keep up with the landscaping on a regular basis, and you and hubby can go back to exploring and expanding your sex life. Good Luck!

Twills says:

Dear Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Hole,

Turn off the fucking lights for eff's sake if you're so self-conscious.  I'm pretty sure he's seen Uranus before if he's already been using his telescope, get my drift?  I bet you ask him if you look fat in your clothes before you go out, don't you?  Then you get sulky if he says yes?

He's a man.  He'd let the dog service him if he thought he'd get away with it.  Fuck.  The End!

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Dear NNH, 

What Hot Yoga Move did you get into to see the Poop Shoot? So now that you've seen the the Hershey Highway Up Close and Reversed (Objects in the mirror are closer then they appear and are now right to left or written backwards...) in comparison to before... what changed your mind other then its Ugly Betty(Notice the spelling ladies) Appearance? 'Cuz, unless you are busting out the Hot Yoga Move ( ...and I highly advise against that shizzzz especially in the middle of the required Anal Breathing Exercise....After all one would think having something poking around Colonville requires at least on impact some concentration and deep slow breathing....From What Ive Seen in Movies....) You aren't Seeing anything other then whats in front of you? Consider that his attraction isn't the the look of the Chocolate Star Fish but rather the Size of its shell! I also say good for you for keeping it adventurous!

The Not That Limber Muffin!

So concludes another fun-filled edition of Betties Day.  You have woes, we have answers; we'd be willing to part with them for free.   Let's meet back here again next week, same place, same time.  Shall we?

Oh We aren't done Twills~~~~~~

******What a Bettie must put Up With******
A snippet from: a behind the scenes look... a Glare actually... of the Pissy Betties that I love so dear! And a Few weeks ago I was called a Biotch...Listen readers....We all are victims of the Cathouse! Twills ~I love you! Thanks for your worry of me ~The Found Muffin!
Peee Essss....Don't you dare delete the behind the scenes ....that's censorship and in America we don't stand for it!

If you did notice that we're missing our Muffin this week (No your Not), it's because she's come down with a raging case of The Clap (applause light is in fact lighted!) and can't sit down long enough to type at her desk.  Oh, it burns! (Can Sit...did Sit....There is a slight itch though....)  Send Muff's muff some positive vibes, please.  Along with some antibiotics.

(Save the Antibiotics for Twill's next rage with the Flu....Its Bike Week In Daytona Babies and The Muffins Been Working the Corner! Oh Wait....maybe you should send the meds!...Muffin missed her conference call But....I must work when the customer seeks a Muffin!)

Images used because they're quite badass, from Natalie Dee.

Well, better late than never I always say.  Tune in next week for another fun filled edition of Betties Day.  ~Twills~ ~Pina~ ~Muffin~

Twills' Pills

So it's confession time here at One For the Road, and boy do I have a confession to make. Something so dark and sinister that... Oh hell. It's really no big deal, and you're going to think I'm a pussy when I tell you what it is anyway:

I have a pathological fear of getting sick with a seasonal cold or flu. Not just because things like this happen. The thought of bronchitis alone can send me into a panic attack! It's not just the fevers, the aching, the snot and the phlegm. It's the antibiotics.

Yes, people. I'm scared of pills. It's part of the reason why I had three kids before I turned 27! I can't swallow them, for one thing. I am psychologically incapable of swallowing medication. My brain just makes my throat close up tighter than a tween at a chastity convention. Not just the physical act of swallowing tablets or capsules, but the very words "tablets" and "capsules" just gross me out anyway. Period.

If the actual (gag) antibiotic (gag) pill (gag) is not enough to make you want to run screaming from the room, think of the side effects. Itchy skin. Black, hairy tongue. Yeast infections. EWWWW!!!!!!!! Why, why in the name of Buddha would anyone want to take a medicine that makes you need to take more medicine that you have to shove up your hoochie? Especially when you're already ill and miserable to begin with?!

Though you all know that in my life everything is about me, so when it's all about me it has to be worse than it could ever be for you. Because not only do I have a fear of being sick, and a fear of taking medicine... I'm allergic to certain kinds of medicine. So that when I get something like Bronchitis, I don't just get to take the ordinary antibiotics that most people get to take. Hells no.

I get to come out of that pharmacy with a big old box that says, "Canada's Leading Treatment for Chlamydia". Not only do I have to take the medicine for the clap, it has to say it all over the box because there is no generic version that I can take. And! I live in a town where the population is less than 2000, and there is only one drugstore. A drugstore where people that I know and see all the time are working.

When I get sick, I am traveling. When I go to pick up my clap meds, I'm out driving to the next town, or hell even into the city so that I can pick them up and still remain slightly anonymous. The amount of fossil fuels I burn are nothing compared to the unbelievable feeling of treating my Chlamydia away from the prying eyes of my fellow townsfolk.

Yes, I know I don't actually have Chlamydia! But what if I did? They'd be talking about it for years! I still haven't lived down the time I went to pick up the kids from school in a mini-dress with electric blue tights, or that time my two year old yelled out, "Hello you old lady!" to one of the women collecting for the Salvation Army at Christmas time... There were those few incidences at the pub where there was whiskey and dancing on tables involved. Or the time that I told the Jehovah's Witness octogenarian to fuck off...

Add The Clap into that mix and dammit, I'd have to move! I'm just not ready to come out of the Chlamydia Closet yet. How about you? Discuss.




That's all,

Twills
XOXO

Betties Advice Day: You Need It? We Have It.

Why hello there, gentle readers, and welcome to another fun filled edition of this week's Betties Advice Blog.  Here's how it works:  you send us a question or a comment to laynie2@gmail.com, and we answer them for you on Fridays.  This week we have two offerings for you; feel free to comment as well, as we really do appreciate knowing that people are reading us.  We only live to serve, and we'd love to hear what you think even if we don't agree with you.  Did you know you can also post as anonymous?  Some people have already figured that out of course, but for some others this news opens up a whole new world for them.  Sit back and relax.  Trust me, you'll need to once you finish reading.

Dear Betties,

 I can only trim the front of my hootchie. I'm too pregnant to get down and dirty with the clippers. HALP?

-Hairy Mammoth-

The Muffin is going first this week, I'm usually the Middle responder ....I suppose It's cuz I just stopped by first!

Dear Mammoth,

Are you asking us to Shave you? How Prego are you? What kind of clippers do you have?
What do you have against the "70's Full bush" considering the condition you already find yourself in? I ask these questions cuz I'm nosy....
Honestly, having been Largely Pregnant during my life time I've had two issues similar to yours. My skin was super sensitive to lotions and creams, making landscaping the nether regions almost impossible and a belly that practically made reaching the nether near impossible as well....there are however plenty of Day Spas and Salons that are available to help you! You deserve a little pampering, considering all the pampering you are about to be doing....I say take a day and relax, let the ladies at the spa take care of you!
Congrats on your upcoming parenthood!
~The Mommy Muffin

Twills says:

Dear Hairy Hormonal Hootchie,

One word:  Outsourcing.  You're going to have a baby, so you've got to learn how to delegate responsibilities.  Have the babydaddy do it (after all, it's his fault that you can't reach it) or go to a joint that offers the service.  Even a beauty school.  Just try not to pick the future Beauty School Dropout.  Who wants their hootchie waxed by a fool?  ;)  Good luck.

Dear Hairy Hoochie Coochie Woman;

When I read your letter the first thing I thought was clippers? I had the kind of clippers a vet used on my cat's belly before he fixed her.
The second thing I thought was: how bloody big a bush do you have that you need clippers? Are we talking sheep shearing here?
And finally, I wondered if this was your first child. I'm guessing it is, or else you would not be concerned with a few stray pubes when you have all those fluids and whatnot coming out along with baby, because let's face it, childbirth may be beautiful for Mummy and Daddy, but I've seen a baby born, and it's not an attractive process.
Finally, and here is my advice: if you are that concerned with your crotch Afro, find a professional, I'm sure they have seen the gamut of pubes. Yours can't be that bad, can they?
Good luck with the waxing and the little bitlet you will be squeezing out, shaven or not.
-Pina

Dear Betties,

I have been practicing light and energy work for some time now mostly for healing purposes. However recently I have discovered I can use a similar technique to induce orgasms in women clients often 10-15 minutes long without even touching them and I am told they are very intense. Now my question is if I were to do this for a profit do you think that would be a legitimate business or just make me some kind of psychic whore?

~Sexual Healer~

Dear Psychic O Maker,

I was tempted to not answer this question, rather I would just concentrate hard on the answer and then have you tell me! Considering though that I don't want you to think I'm mocking you....As I am most definitely not, I will answer this way: I appreciate light and energy healing and enjoy practicing energy healing, Of course on myself via meditation and Chakra alignment....

Now with all of that said, do you consider this gift of yours a gift you should be paying forward, or is this something you have learned to do and you have found as an added bonus/side effect to the process? I mean we are talking the Big O! So many ladies could benefit, so many ladies have never achieved their Highest Sexual Honor and you may have discovered utopia! As for charging...Well, Disney doesn't let you into the Magic Kingdom for free! I have absolutely nothing against you charging for your services/gifts! I am concerned you feel shameful and dirty, ie: by describing yourself as a whore. I believe in Karma, if you feel that you are sending out negative energy by providing this service then negative energy will return. However if you feel you are providing a positive service and sending out positive energy then positive Karma is due you!

I don't know one woman who would not benefit from a release on occasion, one question remains though... Do you find your clients falling in love with you? Orgasms can be quite emotional for many ladies and considering a 10-15 minute orgasm is practically unheard of, and quite likely to cause some ladies to pass old cold, Stalk you, or Never leave! O' Dear, never mind the trouble that could come from one of their significant others....cuz lets face it, one may not be able to compete with your lil trick! The side effects need to be clearly defined via some sort of disclosure before proceeding, also you need to get emergency contact numbers and keep 911 on speed dial! You could find yourself in a wet heap of trouble!

No wait, scratch that.... I have another question....How can I do this at home? Third Question, can I buy into the Franchise?

~Muffin Thinks She Likey!

Dear Sexual Healer,

You'd think that this would be awkward because I know you.  Hell no!  I tell this to people all the time:  No one can think clearly if they're sexually frustrated.  In fact, I believe I even said it last week to one of the questions that were sent it, no?

I think it's a legitimate service, though not necessarily one that you could market.  Or tell the government about...  The ordinary mini-van driving public tend to be very puritanical about this sort of thing.  Fortunately we have the internet, and if any of our readers are interested in this type of service, I'm sure that by contacting The Betties at laynie2@gmail.com we can hook a sistah up!  Though we're not going to tell you who he is, if you are interested we can tell him who you are and leave the rest up to him.   No, we don't offer a Betties discount!  Jeez!  Boy's gotta eat!

Dear Sexual Healer;

Your question stumps me a bit. The fact that you have uncovered this hidden yet extremely special hidden skill, could be a blessing, or a nightmare in disguise.
I have no problem with you charging for this service - Massage therapists, acupuncturists....all these holistic healers charge, and I believe you have a healing gift, so why shouldn't you charge as well?
What stumps me is why you aren't already a mini-corporation?
Do you know what a woman would pay for a 15 minute orgasm induced without someone clawing, climbing, and sweating all over them in an attempt to get to the orgasm finish line first?
Big bucks, my friend, big bucks.
I have always said that sexuality and enjoyment are personal and as long as no one is being hurt, or children are not being harmed, then forge headlong through the Kama Sutra, sexual sherpas!
I suggest you use your gift, and drop the idea that you would be being a whore. If this is simply a healing process,with no actual sex involved, you should have no guilt.
Let us know when your studio is set up and we'll pass along your info to our female readers.
Good Luck!
-Pina

Well gentle readers, this ends another Bettie's advice Friday. We always hope our opinions may be helpful, but remember, they ARE just opinions, take them as you will.

If you have a question for us, send it to laynie2@gmail.com by Wednesday evening, and we will do our best to send out our sage advice to you as well - in total confidence of course. Your boss doesn't need to know about your sex life now, do they? So have a great week and the Betties will be back same time next week.

Love;

The Betties.

How To Be Milfy: Gay Math

If you've been following along with Twills' lessons on "How to Be Milfy", you are well on your way to attaining Milf Status, if you haven't already. Of course if you're a Milf, there may come a time in your life when you will be ready to take on a lover. Say it with me: Lov-ah! You're going to want this lover to be some hot young stud, at least for the first one. Then you can branch out and experiment later.



Don't you dare say the word "Cougar" around me. It's derogatory, and Milf is just so.... not... at all...



I know you all need guidance. You're out there lusting after tight young things like Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner. (Really? Ew! Who are you people?) Not me. Heck no! I'm still not over Bruce Springsteen! I do however, have a formula for you which will make Lover Selection easier.



The trick is to not go too young. If you go too young, it's considered morally suspect. You can't just be a 50 year old woman, cruising up to the local high school to scope out guys. That's kind of creepy! Really, would you want to have the dude doing the walk of shame in the morning and run into you son, who's sits behind him in math class? Awkward!



This is where the "Gay Math" comes in. The gays, you see, they've had this shit down for a long time so it's not revolutionary. As usual, the gays are waiting for the hetero world to catch up with them, so that's not new either. What is the matter with people? Get with the program!



What is this "Gay Math Formula", you say?





Take your age. Divide it by 2. You may need a calculator for this if you're verging on geezer status. Heh.



Take that number, and add 7. Seven is the magic number.



For example, I am 30 years old. I am fine with this, so you can all just fuck right off. I'm 30 and I am still young. Young! Divide that by two, you get 15. When you add seven, you get 22. So that's my magic number.



In accordance with the rules of Gay Math, the youngest possible age for my potential lover to be is 22. Otherwise I would be bordering on the immoral. I know that people get off on breaking taboos, but there is time for that later. You have to start out slowly, and this is just a guideline to get you started.



You can see how this formula is perfect, because the number changes as you age. If I were 80, I could go for someone who is 47. Get it? Perfect! This formula is also not only reserved for Milfs. Obviously since we've stolen it from The Gays, it's also appropriate for child-free people, heterosexual men and generally all walks of life as long as you're legal! It even works in reverse, if you subtract seven from your age, then multiply it by two. 46 is my number for how old I can go without it being creepy. Dammit! I'm still missing out on Springsteen.



So you tell me. What is your magic number in Gay Math? Do you have any stories about any time you've violated the rule and have had a negative consequence? Feel free also to disagree with me and call me a horrible person. Do tell all, or if you're shy you can mail them to The Betties at laynie2@gmail.com. We never reveal our sources. ;) Discuss.



That's all,


Twills

XOXO