Thursday, January 28, 2010

As the head was crowning her vaginal opening...

One thought ran through her mind......




Must.......Tan, Dye Hair, and Buy Smaller Bras......And not necessarily in that order!

These STUPID weight loss ads! Is anyone else annoyed by them? Any idiot can see she lost weight by giving birth...and it appears she only lost ten pounds 'cuz she gave birth at 7 months.....Hello! Worry less about getting your Tan on Barbie, your baby is in the ICU!

Really, she sucks... I lost 14 pounds within a few days of my last child and 7lbs 14Oz in one effing push....Slacker!

Thanks! That Is All for now
~Muffin

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Love advice~ Screw You Yahoo!

Not that I needed to find out how to excite my man in bed....'Cuz I don't! I did read an article loosely presented as "NEWS" on Yahoo this week about keeping the "Love Alive" in your marriage. I don't know about Marriage....they should have said romantic relationships....So many that could be impacted by this wisdom arent married, or because our society is still too tight assed CANT GET MARRIED....We wont go there....So Im sayin~ There was a list of "Ten things not to say to your spouse to keep the 'Love Alive'"...Yeah Right~ What the Eff Ever...

I'll first start by saying Blogs are not News they are Opinions, and Your Opinion of what will keep my man happy or the "Love Alive" in my marriage may or may not be accurate! The success of all Relationships/Marriages certainly can not be found in one article! Lets face it, if there were only 10 things needed to keep relationships together, Divorce Lawyers wouldn't make so much money! Communication and Honesty in my experience will likely keep your relationship together...Not so much mentioned in the news article I was reading! Sex seems to be the biggest complaint men have....Lack of Sex... from where this Yahoo Self Proclaimed Expert was heading! I was wondering....perhaps I could add Self Proclaimed Relationship expert to my Resume!?

If you know me, then you already know, I think I'm pretty damn exciting regardless of there being a bed involved! Furthermore, if you know my man.... then you already know he is practically insatiable, I could Fart and he would get turned on! (Insert Side Note to Old Married Couples: In all fairness, I have only been Married to him for 2 years!)
So Lets be Practical:

Everyone knows you don't tell a man he has a small penis! Penis Size IS IMPORTANT Primarily TO MEN! Don't get me wrong... Um... I dont know any "girl" wanting her "man" to come at her with a tool the size of a big toe, with that said, we ladies have likely had experiences with our less then endowed bedroom partners! We manage to work around things and Its not always all about penetration. I can say through Locker Room Girl talk... I have never known any woman to tell a man in the bedroom...."Your Schlong is not long!" Honestly, How Rude! Speaking Frankly, as if this isn't frank... I have never seen a tiny Dildo either....Just pointing it out! So Rule Number One: Don't Ever tell him he has a small penis! (I don't care if it is small and you just broke up....do not ever tell him! You'll ruin him for the next girl....perhaps his "small" is her "medium"! Perhaps your just Large and not in control of certain muscles...You just never know!)


Rule Number Two: Never let him think there was a better lover before him....Talk about killing the deal! We have all been known to lie a little at times! If you can Lie to Your Boss about being Sick, then Lie to your man in the Sack about a lack luster performance once in a while! (Note the Once in a While....If its lack luster most of the time...Perhaps you should have a talk! A private one and not in the bedroom while nakid'...Just a suggestion!)

Rule Number Three...Thank him, FOR EVERYTHING...No I don't mean "in the after~glow" thank him for taking the time to Couple with you! Although if done properly this could really boost ol boys ego and libido ...But generosity with gratitude does wonders for the bedroom delivery! I am genuinely appreciative of my man loading and unloading the dishwasher and I do say Thank you!

Rule Number Four: Don't tell him His Brother, Cousin, Best Friend, or even Brad Pitt, is attractive....Ok, Brad Pitt Is really Just a Freak Of Sexiness....Realistically, Not a Standard even Brad Pitt can maintain most days....Did yall see the Dead Beaver growing off his chin recently? Really Brad? Ugh!
Set the Sexiness Bar with Your Man/Partner....Would you want to hear how his ex was smokin? Perhaps if he mentioned how "Your Sister is Hot"....Do you really think you'd be feeling sassy in the bedroom with the thought he would flog your sister running through your head? Don't do that shit to him unless he can do that same shit to you! Sister, Best Friend and Angelina Jole Included...Another Sexy Freak of Nature! Remember: He~ Your Man / Partner~ is the Utmost! Practice saying it to yourself in the mirror....WITH OUT LAUGHING PREFERABLY!

Rule Number Five: Don't make dumb-ass Rules and Number them as if one is more important then the other: Be Flexible, Humor the "Rule Boundary" a bit, Be Spontaneous.....Grab his Package in the Produce Section!(Not near the cucumber bin though) Let him know you're approachable, send him a random dirty text....Make sure its to him though, God Forbid you tell your Son or Daughter "what you want to do to them later!!!!" Although the thought of them freaking out because they received a Crotch Shot meant for Daddy, really puts me into a fit of the giggles!


Im done with numbering.....Let me mention about not dressing to go out with a screaming Camel Toe ladies....Listen if it parts your sea, or its so effing tight you gotta dig it out....You shouldn't have squeezed it in/on! You are not a Sexy Bedroom Diva if its leaving to little to be desired simply because its hanging out! I have heard it called all kinds of things ladies But Hang Meat and Swollen Pickles tops the Gross meter! Again the MENtality of some guys amaze me! Honestly, I don't know one man alive who finds the camel toe enticing, If he does, He is too freaky for me, and you can have him! (Noting further....I see shiny things~Not that this topic is shiny....ewe....I often switch topics during blogging... there are websites dedicated to Camel Toe! For Real! I shit you not! It half cracks me up and half grosses me out!)

Oh and speaking of Farting: I rarely fart and would NEVER fart in front of my man! My ability to never fart in his presence creates all the mystery needed to keep the fantasy of this hot latin love alive and kickin'! (I should point out neither of us are Latin ,and I am extremely curious about Latins being better lovers! Mentioning further: this I will neither explore nor mention to my Hottie Hubby!)
Farting is not attractive, If you and Your Man are in a Fart competition with each other...You might as well be his 12 year old Buddy rather then his lover, and also... You are a no tooth greasy haired REDNECK...ain't nothin' sexy about Farts! They are just gross......Moving on....

Panties and Lingerie can be very nice for both partners in the relationship, Men are extremely Visual! You may not know this but 77% of ladies who wear Lingerie under their clothes daily are more sexually active and stated it boosted their self esteem! It appears the Under Garments you choose make you feel sexy/or not sexy and you portray your self in a more approachable/non approachable and often friendly/unfriendly way while wearing sexy/unsexy underthings! So You go to the 350 pound sister wearing the thong undies and showing off her whale tale....It grosses me the hell out but its doing wonders for your overall attitude during the day! A Self Assured Woman is a Sexy Diva in the Sheets no matter what her size!! Just as an after thought these panties right here are NOT SEXY!


So....You want to have a better relationship? We all do, may God~Buddha~Allah...or whoever you pray to... Help you, if you plan on learning how from me!

XO Muffin

I do not come from an effusive family, and I am the farthest from a huggy person as you can get. We always kept our private business to ourselves whilst I was growing up. We still do, which is just fine with me.

I never had the "Sex talk" with my Mum. Everything I know I learned from books, my friends, or just by doing it.

To be honest, I'm glad I never got the talk with my Mum, because if you met her, you could never imagine the words vagina or penis could even come out of her mouth..it would just be very, very wrong.

I know my sister got the talk, which is more than I need to know, because it was my Mother who told me my sister was allergic to her husband's sperm and that was why they were having a hard time getting pregnant.

*Shudders*

What do you even say to that?

"Yuck" is what I said.

When I started to get sick, my Mum suggested several things that could be wrong with me, including kidneys, liver, thyroid, etc.

But a week ago, she started to suggest things a little more in the "privates" area.

She asked what method of birth control I use. At least she doesn't ask if I am "sexually active"-a phrase that gives me the willies, but I figure methods of birth control aren't too, too personal or extremely out of bounds, so I let it continue. I didn't really want to talk about that, but she is determined.

The chat goes something like this:

Mum: What kind of birth control do you use?
Me: Um....
Mum: Well that may have something to do with all this sickness.
Me: Um....
Mum: Do you have a diaphragm?
Me: Um...Yes, in my abdomen.
Mum: Be serious!
Me: No, Mum, I don't. I have an I.U.D.
Mum: THAT could be the answer! Those things are bad for you, and all that menses (yes, she actually said menses) is meant to exit the body, not stay in it.

As if it's all storing up and I might at any moment explode into a big womanly fertility bomb, soaking everyone in a 5 mile radius.



Me: No, Mum, I don't think it's that.
Mum: How do you know? My friend Denise...

This is when I started to block it out. I mean, I don't want to talk about my own uterus let alone Denise's.

She went on for a good 5 minutes whilst I watched the cat across the way piss in the neighbour's garden. Much more interesting than Denise's "woman problems"

Me: Mum, it's not that. The I.U.D. is not in my intestinal tract.
Mum: Don't be smart, you're not a Dr. how do you know?

By now this conversation has gone on waaayyyy too long,and now I'm getting really grossed out and this is entering an area that I NEVER wanted to or ever want to be in with my Mother ever again.

So I tell her I will ask the Dr. the next time I see him.

I didn't.

Add one more scar to my continually damaged and deteriorating psyche. At least my therapist will make some money out of my humiliation.

Thanks for the "talk", Mum.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

How to be Mifly: The Packaging


A big part of being Milfy and Maintaining a Degree of Fuckability is how you dress for the part. This is not about size, this is about knowing how to dress for your size and your particular shape. Over at You Look Fab, Angie has put together what she calls "The Flop Proof Outfit". You can read about it here. You can also refer to this outfit as the "What Not to Wear" casual outfit.

Now I know it's kind of boring, but hell, you can't break the rules unless you know them first. Not everyone can strut it like me in a pair of knee-high silver Doc Martens and a skirt the size of a dinner napkin. This will come later. I myself have spent many years dressing as if I were several sizes larger, but after faking the confidence for a while, eventually I found that I actually had it for real. (Now if I could just tone the ego down slightly, I think I'd have it going on.)


So the first thing, The Jeans. Mom jeans. You know you've seen them. High-waisted, saggy assed, pleated, acid washed, tapered leg, hell, even gunty. *gasp* Yes. Gunty! Just generally ill-fitting and ugly. Get rid of them! Don't even give them to Goodwill, cut them up into tiny pieces so that no one will be able to wear them EVER AGAIN. I'm not against recycling, I'm just against bad fashion.

Get some that fit well, and the darker the better. This might take you years! Once you find a pair of jeans that fit you perfectly, stock up on them! It's not as if they ever go out of style. You don't have to go for the skinnies if you think they make you look like a bowling pin, but the thing is, we never look as big as we think we are. (And they fit great into your boots!) Take a girlfriend or your best gay with you, someone who can be honest and who will tell you if you look awful. Try on many different styles, even if you think you hate them. Also, if you have the problem that I have with the waist band gaping at the back because you actually have an ass, it's okay to get that shit tailored. You will wear them more if you don't have to keep hiking them up from exposing your butt crack. Just say no to crack, but don't hike them up under your tits, either.

Okay, so next is the shirt. On You Look Fab it says "shirt or girly top". Fuck that. Titty top. You want to show off what you've got. If you're worried about stray motor-boaters, then wear a camisole underneath for some coverage. But I'm telling you, let those girls out to play once in a while. You don't have to push them up under your chin like Jessica Simpson, but live a little.

Jacket. This means "tailored jacket". Something that has a shape. You can find a combat-jacket that nips in at the waist if that's your style. Your options are unlimited. There are blazers, motorcycle jackets, leather, pleather, even a cardigan if you live in Mr. Rogers' neighbourhood, which I do. ;)

Heels. Yes. Heels. Again, you don't have to go all porny with the shoes if you don't feel comfortable that way. Stilettos are better, but if you like those little coloured ballet flats feel free to wear them if you're worried about bunions. And don't just get black! Have fun with the shoes. Try some boots, even.

Statement bag. I fail miserably at this. The statement that my bag makes is that I'm a Mom and I have to carry everyone else's shit around. This is not the ideal. You don't have to match it with the shoes, but for Buddha's sake don't use the same one until it falls apart. I keep all of my stuff in little wallets, change purses or tiny make-up bags so that when I need to switch purses everything is easy to switch over.

Let us say that you're like me and have a problem with authority. You want to break the rules! Break one at a time. See how it works for you, and if it does, break a few more! Add some accessories! Play with colours and fabrics! But most of all, have fun. Strut. Say, "I am Milfy, hear me roar!" *rawr*; and let yourself believe it.

Next on my list: Manscaping.



That's all,

Twills
XOXO

Monday, January 18, 2010

Maintaining a Degree of Fuckability: How To Be Milfy

Milf. Stacy's Mom. Cougar.

Let's have a musical selection, shall we?








What I'd like to impress upon you today, people, is how important it is to stay hot. I'm not going to lie, I'm a petty bitch. I go to this website on a fairly regular basis to have an immature giggle at the things people are wearing in public. Friends, you don't want to be spotted on People of Walmart Dot Com with your ass hanging out.

In this coming week, I'd like to impress upon you the importance of maintaining a degree of fuckability, and we will discuss various ways to achieve and then maintain this goal. Now by no means do I claim to be the leading expert in this field, but I do have some experience with birthin' babies and then having people actually want to have sex with me afterward. I hope to share what I have learned with you all, and also learn to take my own advice. (Tell me I'm not the only one who suddenly realises in mid-January that she's turned into a sasquatch since the beginning of winter! Rule number one: Keep that shit trimmed/shaved/waxed/BURNT the fuck off)

First up: Maintaining a Degree of Fuckability: Mom Jeans Are Nobody's Friend.

That's all,

Twills
XOXO

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I changed the name of this post to "Mice in the Couch Cushions"

I agreed to write this blog with two very funny ladies and I’m excited to see a fourth! Quite Frankly I agreed to do this damn near a month ago and then suffered a bout of writer’s cramp , Keeping in mind I’m not really a writer, more like a humorist bitcher with poor punctuation and a love for the "..." pause that I am constantly adding to my blogs! .... Pause, Where to begin? Do I introduce myself? Explain how I met 2 of the 3 Partners?....Even though I’ve never actually met them... I could mention I had a wonderful phone conversation with Lori, absolutely loved every second of it! Introduce my relationship with Holly as: Holly is just my home girl from MySpace and I think I'm in love with her... Not in a Gay Way... but in a creepy Stalker~ if it weren't so effin cold in Canada~ Id live next door to her way! None of that is falling into the prerequisite of funny though! Really, These ladies have no Idea How Much Pressure this blog has put on me! The being funny part of this blog is what is fucking me over....cuz I cant be funny on Que/cue ...Q? Sound the shit out, figure out what I mean and move on...Lori buy some Benadryl, I’m sure you've got the "English Majors" hives right now! So, with the thought in mind to be "funny" I was attempting to come up with Blog Topics, You know, that may strike one as funny....I asked for blog suggestions...I got one: a request for an installment of "Dating Website Tips"...It appears a man posed with a Blow Up Doll on a dating website known as PlentyOfFish.com! I guess to show his desperation for a real girl or his independence from a real girl, I suppose it could have gone either way. I'm sure this lil love doll was not the Third passenger allowing his access to the HOV lanes during the rush hour commute! Perhaps blow up dolls could be funny...I have a curiosity about Blow Up Dolls! I’m not really sure if the Mouth of the doll is actually used for oral stimulation... I’m not sure you could put enough air in one to actually mount one! Do Guys Mount them? Well I thought I’d give it a shot and after looking up the history of blow up dolls, I’ve determined there is nothing funny about them at all! First of all did you know that Blow up dolls stem from some fricken Egyptian/Gladiator Statue Making Dude like person in the era of Gladiator dude like people...who actually fell in love with a statue to the point of trying to recreate a "Home" version so that he could actually have "relations" with it? That's not funny! That's Gross! I’m not trying to have an image of some dude in a loin cloth wearing a Helmet with feathers rubbing himself to satisfaction on a Stone Version of Athena....The poor guys pecker had to hurt in the several attempts I'm sure it took to create the portable companion! Then I realized...OMG! Guys really will screw anything!





I read in a playboy article once, about the time the movie American Pie came out, that during this particular writer’s youth he would masturbate to and with anything he could! His poor peter was rubbed raw from effing the couch cushions in his basement. The Couch Cushions had wear areas and holes from all the "RUBBING"! His mother noticed the couch was particularly worn in several areas so he ended up telling her that they Had Mice to explain why her couch suddenly had so many holes in the cushions! Mom freaked out, got rid of his love couch and replaced it with leather....apparently leather is not conducive to Cushion Humping he ended up with what equated to a brush burn on his manhood! Poor Fellow! See that's not funny it’s just a sad tale from some poor teenagers attempt at sex! So as you all settle in to this new blog I'll try to bring a funny quip or two to the page! No Promises though...My other option was a blog about the humor of farting....If the general readership of this page were male and 12 years old... Idda hit it outta the ball park with that topic!I'll check in real Soon! ~ Signing out with love from the Muffin!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Top Ten Reasons Why I Can't be a 'Mommy Blogger'


1) I'm kind of self-absorbed

2) I want to tell Calliou to "Fuck off"

3) There really isn't enough time in the day to write down all of the funny shit they say *note to self: buy tape recorder*

4) I can't refrain from making sarcastic comments or pointing out fallacies in logic while watching Nickolodeon.

5) I'm very, very fond of saying bad words.

6) It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to pretend that your kids are as cute and charming as my kids.

7) I'm pretty sure that Handy Manny is a demon in the sack.

8) It would detract from my busy online shopping schedule.

9) I'd much rather talk about smut.

10) I try to avoid other moms in real life, so why should I seek them out on the internet?


That's all,

Twills
XOXO

Sunday, January 10, 2010

All right, ladies, and gentlemen of that sexual persuasion, I have found him, and you will all first be dying with jealousy, and secondly, any of you with a little bit of balls will try to steal him away.

I'm telling you all right now, it ain't gonna happen. He found me, and I feel like Cinderella.

I have signed up (and quit) several on-line dating sites, simply because the men they sent me either bragged about their gun collection, or their prowess as a lover.

Most of them were barrel shaped and drove a truck.

Now I'm not being a bitch, but when they put in that they would rather watch UFC on Spike TV rather than read a book - one was actually truthful and said that the last time he had read a "book-book" was in high school.(He was 45) I'm sorry, but I have a problem with that.

It is absolutely opposite of both my personality AND my interests that I listed. These were what the computer found as compatible traits?

I guess I just don't have 29 points of compatibility with anyone.

The men that did send me communications sent messages like " U R Hawt. Wanna grab a beer?"

Now it may sound snooty or even snotty, but if you can't be bothered to type out the whole word, I don't have time to read your vanity license plate spelling.
(these were also usually the average to even above average looking guys, with an amazing gun collection, which I would be willing to bet is in the bedroom where he does his "magic lover" tricks. Written by someone I was "matched with." Yeep!

I think internet dating can work.

I think that you can meet someone on line and have a relationship. I have several friends that I consider my friends in the same way as I do the people that live ten minutes from me.

I even dated someone I met on a social network. It didn't work out, but there were parts of it that were as good or better than some of the relationships I have had with men I have met where I live.

So now that I have rambled on more than I probably needed to (you can always leave if you want, you know that, right?)

OK. Just when I was ready to give up on online love, and I had canceled all my dating-match sites.....

I received a friend request on facebook from a man who opened his request by telling me that he thought I was beautiful, and based on my status updates and applications, I seem like a very bright woman.

Anything that starts out like that is creepy for sure. *shudders*

This is because first of all, I don't think I have any pictures of me up anymore because I took them all down to avoid creeps, which means he's been scoping for a while, and it also means I didn't have my privacy settings up properly.

However, if I have found my dream man because of that oversight, I can live with it.

His friend request went on to tell me that he plays WOW, and several other games I
have never heard of. (the WOW was enough, he could have and should have stopped there.)

I pretty much stopped reading, because he was kinda scaring me with how long and detailed his message was. I did pick up a few more details, like his Mom is his best friend, he reads Science Fiction and loves Anime, especially the violent stuff. God, that means he could like Anime porn.

I know that you may all be thinking what a shallow bitch I am, but come on, I didn't have one thing in common with this guy, and here he was, trying to pick me up, for free, on facebook.

I guess I am a little shallow, because I changed my mind in a big hurry when I saw this posted at the bottom of his message:



Tell me that that picture is not enough to make those of you in super committed, happy marriages etc. a little drooly that he picked me. Meow!!

I haven't responded to his friend request, because I'm not even sure where to start.


But I'm going to be completely honest with you...When I said it was like Cinderella....I was lying.

I'm scared.

I also made sure I have every block and privacy setting at ten or whatever the most private is.

Wouldn't you?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Big Reveal

This is Twills, aka Soccer Milf, aka Twillsberg, aka House Milf Extraordinaire. I'm one of the co-bloggers here on "One For the Road". I'm into long walks by the beach in the moonlight, candlelit dinners and...

Oh eff that shiz.

I'm a snarky bitch with a twinkle in her eye with a gift for biting sarcasm. The best thing my Mama taught me was how to whither people with just one look, and to never marry your first boyfriend. You will eventually see where that got me.

I am a Canadian mother of three boys who started blogging to ease the boredom but who now does it to stay sane. My favourite things are shoes, the Buddha, tattoos, cupcakes, my bicycle and quite possibly Lady Gaga. (Ooh la la)

I hope that you will bear with us while we sort out our kinks (because we're kinky) in this blog and bear with us while we strive to hit our stride and get things moving up in here.



That's all,

Twills
XOXO