Thursday, January 21, 2010

Love advice~ Screw You Yahoo!

Not that I needed to find out how to excite my man in bed....'Cuz I don't! I did read an article loosely presented as "NEWS" on Yahoo this week about keeping the "Love Alive" in your marriage. I don't know about Marriage....they should have said romantic relationships....So many that could be impacted by this wisdom arent married, or because our society is still too tight assed CANT GET MARRIED....We wont go there....So Im sayin~ There was a list of "Ten things not to say to your spouse to keep the 'Love Alive'"...Yeah Right~ What the Eff Ever...

I'll first start by saying Blogs are not News they are Opinions, and Your Opinion of what will keep my man happy or the "Love Alive" in my marriage may or may not be accurate! The success of all Relationships/Marriages certainly can not be found in one article! Lets face it, if there were only 10 things needed to keep relationships together, Divorce Lawyers wouldn't make so much money! Communication and Honesty in my experience will likely keep your relationship together...Not so much mentioned in the news article I was reading! Sex seems to be the biggest complaint men have....Lack of Sex... from where this Yahoo Self Proclaimed Expert was heading! I was wondering....perhaps I could add Self Proclaimed Relationship expert to my Resume!?

If you know me, then you already know, I think I'm pretty damn exciting regardless of there being a bed involved! Furthermore, if you know my man.... then you already know he is practically insatiable, I could Fart and he would get turned on! (Insert Side Note to Old Married Couples: In all fairness, I have only been Married to him for 2 years!)
So Lets be Practical:

Everyone knows you don't tell a man he has a small penis! Penis Size IS IMPORTANT Primarily TO MEN! Don't get me wrong... Um... I dont know any "girl" wanting her "man" to come at her with a tool the size of a big toe, with that said, we ladies have likely had experiences with our less then endowed bedroom partners! We manage to work around things and Its not always all about penetration. I can say through Locker Room Girl talk... I have never known any woman to tell a man in the bedroom...."Your Schlong is not long!" Honestly, How Rude! Speaking Frankly, as if this isn't frank... I have never seen a tiny Dildo either....Just pointing it out! So Rule Number One: Don't Ever tell him he has a small penis! (I don't care if it is small and you just broke not ever tell him! You'll ruin him for the next girl....perhaps his "small" is her "medium"! Perhaps your just Large and not in control of certain muscles...You just never know!)

Rule Number Two: Never let him think there was a better lover before him....Talk about killing the deal! We have all been known to lie a little at times! If you can Lie to Your Boss about being Sick, then Lie to your man in the Sack about a lack luster performance once in a while! (Note the Once in a While....If its lack luster most of the time...Perhaps you should have a talk! A private one and not in the bedroom while nakid'...Just a suggestion!)

Rule Number Three...Thank him, FOR EVERYTHING...No I don't mean "in the after~glow" thank him for taking the time to Couple with you! Although if done properly this could really boost ol boys ego and libido ...But generosity with gratitude does wonders for the bedroom delivery! I am genuinely appreciative of my man loading and unloading the dishwasher and I do say Thank you!

Rule Number Four: Don't tell him His Brother, Cousin, Best Friend, or even Brad Pitt, is attractive....Ok, Brad Pitt Is really Just a Freak Of Sexiness....Realistically, Not a Standard even Brad Pitt can maintain most days....Did yall see the Dead Beaver growing off his chin recently? Really Brad? Ugh!
Set the Sexiness Bar with Your Man/Partner....Would you want to hear how his ex was smokin? Perhaps if he mentioned how "Your Sister is Hot"....Do you really think you'd be feeling sassy in the bedroom with the thought he would flog your sister running through your head? Don't do that shit to him unless he can do that same shit to you! Sister, Best Friend and Angelina Jole Included...Another Sexy Freak of Nature! Remember: He~ Your Man / Partner~ is the Utmost! Practice saying it to yourself in the mirror....WITH OUT LAUGHING PREFERABLY!

Rule Number Five: Don't make dumb-ass Rules and Number them as if one is more important then the other: Be Flexible, Humor the "Rule Boundary" a bit, Be Spontaneous.....Grab his Package in the Produce Section!(Not near the cucumber bin though) Let him know you're approachable, send him a random dirty text....Make sure its to him though, God Forbid you tell your Son or Daughter "what you want to do to them later!!!!" Although the thought of them freaking out because they received a Crotch Shot meant for Daddy, really puts me into a fit of the giggles!

Im done with numbering.....Let me mention about not dressing to go out with a screaming Camel Toe ladies....Listen if it parts your sea, or its so effing tight you gotta dig it out....You shouldn't have squeezed it in/on! You are not a Sexy Bedroom Diva if its leaving to little to be desired simply because its hanging out! I have heard it called all kinds of things ladies But Hang Meat and Swollen Pickles tops the Gross meter! Again the MENtality of some guys amaze me! Honestly, I don't know one man alive who finds the camel toe enticing, If he does, He is too freaky for me, and you can have him! (Noting further....I see shiny things~Not that this topic is shiny....ewe....I often switch topics during blogging... there are websites dedicated to Camel Toe! For Real! I shit you not! It half cracks me up and half grosses me out!)

Oh and speaking of Farting: I rarely fart and would NEVER fart in front of my man! My ability to never fart in his presence creates all the mystery needed to keep the fantasy of this hot latin love alive and kickin'! (I should point out neither of us are Latin ,and I am extremely curious about Latins being better lovers! Mentioning further: this I will neither explore nor mention to my Hottie Hubby!)
Farting is not attractive, If you and Your Man are in a Fart competition with each other...You might as well be his 12 year old Buddy rather then his lover, and also... You are a no tooth greasy haired REDNECK...ain't nothin' sexy about Farts! They are just gross......Moving on....

Panties and Lingerie can be very nice for both partners in the relationship, Men are extremely Visual! You may not know this but 77% of ladies who wear Lingerie under their clothes daily are more sexually active and stated it boosted their self esteem! It appears the Under Garments you choose make you feel sexy/or not sexy and you portray your self in a more approachable/non approachable and often friendly/unfriendly way while wearing sexy/unsexy underthings! So You go to the 350 pound sister wearing the thong undies and showing off her whale tale....It grosses me the hell out but its doing wonders for your overall attitude during the day! A Self Assured Woman is a Sexy Diva in the Sheets no matter what her size!! Just as an after thought these panties right here are NOT SEXY!

So....You want to have a better relationship? We all do, may God~Buddha~Allah...or whoever you pray to... Help you, if you plan on learning how from me!

XO Muffin


  1. I <3 to fart. That's all kinds of classy.

  2. LOL! and In "Boy Shorts" Style doesn't get lost on me....

  3. I have tears of laughter!!! thanks again for a great blog!!!

  4. You should see what I'm NOT wearing right now. And no, it's not a bra. ;)

  5. Ahhhh My Sister Terry! Oh How Many a Tear we have shed in laughter!
    Twills.....Whatcha Wearin'?

  6. Love is different for everyone, I bet. I just posted something on my facebook about gonads and love and got some heat for it. Some people just don't see love the way others do.


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