It's Friday and that means it's Betties Advice Day.

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Why People Suck

Introducing a new feature here on "One For the Road":  Why People Suck.  We hope to keep this going on Wednesdays from now on.  We're going to tell you why people suck, then in the comments section we want you, readers, to tell us why people suck.

This week's entry is brought to you by none other than Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, pictured here, photo from Posh24.

Don't tell me that you don't think she's badass.  Cuteness overload!

The reason why people suck, is that if you google any bottom-feeding tabloid rag, you'll see headlines like "Angelina Trying to Turn Shiloh Gay", or "Brad walks on on Angelina For Forcing Shiloh to Dress Like a Boy", or my favourite, "Brad Takes Shiloh and Moves in With Jennifer Anniston:  Says a Friend, 'She was trying to make her become a lesbian!' ".

I don't need to tell you why these people suck, but here are a few.

1)  There is nothing wrong with being gay.

2)  It's not possible to turn people into a gay.

3)  The child looks cute.  She is making her own fashion decisions, and thankfully has parents who have the means and the willingness to support her.

4)  I only wish I could accessorize that well!

5)  My cousin's baby daddy used to be obsessed with wearing skirts when he was that age and grew up to be a manwhore, so there!  Children play with gender roles all the time, and it's normal for them to do so.

6)  The way an individual dresses has nothing to do with sexual orientation, unless perhaps it's like this:

There are a few reasons, though I could go on.  But you tell me, readers.  Why do people suck?  And how?  Discuss.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Betties Are Beautiful

Good morning, bitches.  It's Monday.  I know! It came around again. 

But this Monday is better than others!  This is because Renee from "Dangling on the Edge of (In)Sanity", has awarded The Betties with the "Beautiful Blogger" award.  See?  It's here:

Thank you, Renee!  Please visit her blog and leave a comment or ten.  Without further adieu, for today's Anonymous Monday, tell us how beautiful you think The Betties are.  ;)

Discuss.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

The Betties' Q & A Day!

Welcome, readers.  You really have been doing quite well on your homework assignments, friends.  The Betties have received so many questions to laynie2@gmail.com lately, that Twills has had to take a short break from pwning n00bs, Muffin hasn't been spending enough time at the beach and her tan is fading, and Pina hasn't been down to the docks all week.  Keep them coming, it's for our own good.  Now on to the action:

Dear Betties,

I am finding myself recently separated and seeking a divorce. Although there is a very good reason for the parting of ways, a deal breaker so to speak, I find that I am grateful it is "all his fault".  I'm actually happy that our relationship has failed! I'm excited that its over after 23 years and have no sadness about not being married. I know I shouldn't be excited, right? I don't want anyone especially the dead weight I just dumped to think I want my marriage to work, quite the opposite.  I just think I shouldn't be so relieved that it's over and after so long! Am I crazy?

Signed, 

Freedom Fighter

Twills says,

Dear Freedom Fighter,

You're not crazy.  You've been with the same man for so many years, it's time to bust loose.  Live a little.  Go skydiving.  Pierce your nipples.  Go out to bars and bed incredibly young men.  Though pay strict attention to Gay Math when you're first starting out; you wouldn't want to go too wild right at the beginning and burn out to early.  New found freedom is a precious thing.  Start out slowly and savour it.

Dear Freedom,
You're not Crazy! Now thats not to say you wont ever become crazy! When I went from Husband one to single I was really OK....for about 5 months, then things started happening, Life got hard, lonely, He Got a girlfriend....Then I got crazy... Like anything in life there is a cycle to endings and beginnings, Stay Milfy, dont ever do Hot Yoga, and you will get through the next phase just fine! Good Luck and Keep on Keeping on Sista!
~Muffins Hunka was a Freedom Fighter!

Dear Betties,

I am a Lesbian, I only say that because I feel it's important to the post. I would prefer you not talk to me about dicks and such. My "wife" wants sex more frequently than I, and there are issues with my feeling special enough to become intimate. This is completely my problem, I've seen shrinks and Ive been told in past relationships that it's exhausting and that I'm high maintenance. I don't want to be alone and old and a cat lady. (No offense to The Bettie with cats) Is it really just me? Don't other people have the same issue? I don't think I was ever abused as a child.  Other than thinking I was weird as a teenager for not liking "the cutest" boy in school, I was pretty normal. I dated a few guys in high school, I never went any further then 1st base. I've also never had intercourse with a guy. I just wasn't aroused unless I was really stoned or drinking to even do much more than kissing. I would prefer to be intimate with my wife sober, I think she might not like me drunk or smoking pot just to have sex. What to Do?

Frigid in the South Pole

Twills says,

Dear South Pole,

Take it from me, I live with a sex fiend.  The Dilf would is all up on my business all hours of the day and night to the point where our kids are always yelling out, "Don't go in the kitchen!  Mom and Dad are totally making out!"  *Huzzah!*  I sometimes prefer sleep; it's true!  I'm not a machine, people!  My uterus is at rest!  I feel your pain, believe me, I do.   Have you ever been checked out by a physician in regards to your hormones, etc?  A low sex drive is completely normal, and reversible.  It has nothing to do with whether you prefer the poon or the peen.   I know these things, because as I always say, I'm about 48% gay.

However, I wonder if you're feeling enough of an emotional connection?  We women are complex creatures, as you well know.   It doesn't take much for us to get turned off, though you're lucky that you probably don't have to put up with things like farting, b.o. or gnarly toenails.  I hope?   

Dear Frigid,
What makes you feel special? Is it a long hot bubble bath complete body massage and then some lovin? (Hint Hint Hint Hunka!) I would not ever advocate drunken or stoner sex, but if a glass of wine helps take the edge off of your tense~ness, well...until you can make that doctors appointment for Valium, Viagra, or Vitamin Shots....consider this, If your ex's think you are too high maintenance to stick with, and you have already said its You and Not Your Wife....Next step is Fixing it or its Cats ville for you baby!! Cuz although Bettie with the Cats has Cats she also has Dock workers and Sailors that find her worthwhile! I know that the more "uptight" you become the less easy it will be for you to relax! Good Luck!
~Muffin likes scented Bubbles!



Well Pina took the week off again, new fleet at the Docks or some shizzzzzz, I hear one of her Cats are about to drop a litter....so until next week...Chin up, shoulders back, and chest out!

Kisses From The Bettie's

Anonymous Monday, Bitches!

Today is the day when we ask you to make comments on our blog as "anonymous".  Some of you comply, most of you just post under your own names and don't bother.  So, today's theme is, "Bitch, why you so nasty?"

Discuss.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO

Betties Q & A Day!

Hello there, readers, and welcome to another fun-filled edition of the Betties' Advice Blog.  I'm not much into foreplay, so let us just jump right into the thick of things here with our first question:

Dear Betties,

What's up with the "pornstache" that is popping up on the upper lip of the men in my neighborhood?  Is this something new Brad Pitt is sporting?  Do tell!  Is it the latest trend in facial hair for men?

Love,

Hating the Facial Pubes

Muffin Says:

Dear Hating,
Hate is such a strong word....I think the Facial Hair you dub as the Porn Stache is a multi purpose tool that we can put to good use! Its a great exfoliating tool...It becomes a Flavor Savor, and If you are Colonial Sanders or Magnum PI its a trade mark!

The Muffin has yet to be witness to this new phenomenon in male fashion, Perhaps Daytona is not quite hip to the times! I will make a point to photo upload these to my FB page as I encounter them though!
Still Love the Goatee ~Muffin

Twills Says:

Anyone who sports a pornstache is likely either a) stuck in the seventies; or b) a hipster.  If this person is a hipster and has a pornstache, it is likely that the only reason why is because that dude thinks he's way cooler than you.  Than anyone.  He seems to think that he's rocking it with irony, and that's he's just so special that no one else will "get" what he's trying to do.  In reality we all know that he just looks like a total douchebag.

There is another instance where it might be acceptable.  Personal story here:  When I first met the DILF, oh it was magic.  Until I saw his driver's license photo!  OMG!  He was rocking the pornstache! This was in the year 2000, not when it had suddenly come back into vogue.  The story was, he had shaved off his winter beard and had gone in to town with that on his face as a joke.  He was renewing his driver's license that day because it was his birthday, but didn't realise that he'd need a picture taken.  He told the woman at the office that he didn't really look like that, but she didn't care.  (She's well known for being a crusty bitch in our area)  She snapped the photo anyway, and for the next five years he had to have a flaming red pornstache on his License.  So if you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, it might be just a one time thing and you've happened to spot them?

(I still think it's because they think that they're cooler than you)

Lovingly,

Twills

XOXO

Question Two!  Almost there!

Dear Betties,
My cousin has been trying to fix me up on a blind date with a friend of hers. I was interested at first because he has a good job and we are into the same kinds of things. But then last week, right before we were about to finalize some plans, she told me that he is renown for having huge balls. Now I'm really grossed out and don't want to meet him, but she thinks I'm being too picky. What do you think?

Signed,

Small Baller

Dear SB
Well that depends...Would you prefer a man with a set of ping pongs? I am not sure, what if the size of his Balls correlated with the size of his wallet... you would still complain? Listen I think its important to all kinds of things that your man as well as you have a set (figuratively speaking for you anyway unless you actually do have a set, then I think its important that you both determine who's are bigger! Someone must be the decision maker!) and as far as I am concerned Bigger anything is always better!(yes, this includes everything!)
Now if he is picking them up to sit down, I might be a little concerned but not enough to not go to dinner! Perhaps you should dig deep, find your own, and order dessert first!

Do let us know how it goes!

~Muffins got the biggest Balls of them all!

Twills Says:

Dear Baller,

Run!  If giant balls freak you out and you don't think you can get over it, don't date him.  If they're giant and freakish now, what do you think they'll look like when they're old and wrinkled?  There are plenty of fish in the sea, and if you are looking for Mr. Right, and Mr. Right has average sized balls, then you would be wasting your time with Mr. Giant Balls.  And seriously, how the fuck does SHE know that he has huge balls, huh?  Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it might be the tuna.

Investigate this please,

Twills

XOXO

Where's Pina, you say?  She's still not recovered from a botched boob job she got last week.  Just don't tell her that she looks like Tara Reid, please.  She's sensitive and she'd like to stay that way.

Until next week, 

Your Betties

XOXO

laynie2@gmail.com, for inquiries or for a good time. ;)

Meet Your Betties: Twills Edition

I first met The Muffin on MySpace, many moons ago.  I was either knocked up for the third time, or delirious with lack of sleep because the baby had not slept through the night in... well, how old is he now?  Nearly three? Well yes, then three years.  He hasn't slept through the night in three years.  That explains why I'm kind of loopy then, no?

I seem to recall her having something to do with winning a goat.  I still to this day have no recollection of her ever having taken delivery of the beast, but if she did I think she'd dance naked in a forest and sacrifice it, since she's a witch.  A real one!  *cue ominous sounding music*

The first blog that I read of hers was because our mutual friend Louminator, (who I met through Deb, who was my first and best MySpace friend) had pimped a blog that she'd written.  What was this blog about?  Well, she'd been married at that time for about a month or two, and decided that it was a good time to start sharing her wisdom with others on how to have a successful marriage.  I knew then that she was my kind of broad, and we've had each other's back ever since.

When Muffin is not busy buying and selling the state of Florida as if it's some giant Monopoly board, she's a famous radio personality on the AM dial.  In her spare time she enjoys doing hot yoga, texting people constantly on her CrackBerry, and soaking up her husband Hunka's burning love.

Pina and I had a few of the same MySpace friends, but we didn't friend each other there until I had actually stopped writing in that venue.  Too many creeps up in there, but I'd decided that Pina wasn't one of them.  We agreed long ago that we wouldn't talk about whose blogs we'd seen each other on because it was too much like gossip, but if you want to read our favourite one, click here.

Pina is a west coast Canadian girl, and has a west coast accent.  You already know that she has tons of cats, but what you didn't know is that her cats are hookers.  They get knocked up more than I do, and Pina encourages this behaviour so she can raise a cat army which only responds to her command.  Look out, West Coast.  Pina's Pussies are vicious.  

It doesn't help that while she has a tough exterior, she is soft on the inside (look DEEP, people) and the neighbourhood cats prey on this.  They all congregate near Pina's place and meow at each other about how she'll take in even the scrawniest, most feral cat and treat it like a princess.  There is no end to the lavish attention she gives them, so they know that any pregnant pussy can camp out at Pina's until such a time as she's ready to drop her litter and start hustin' for more tail again.  Sluts!

When Pina is not busy breeding a mutant cat army, you can find her... well, online of course.  That's because she is the only person who is online more than me, and who also sleeps less than me.  Somehow we've developed a Psychic Betty Connection which enables us to say the exact same thing at the exact same time, which is actually quite creepy at times with us stomping all over one another's brain.

As for the fourth Betty, who knows?  Maybe she doesn't exist.  Maybe she's a guest Betty.  Maybe the fourth Betty is you, our audience.  Because don't we all have a little bit of a Betty inside of us?  Think of the options:  Betties White, Page, Boop, Rubble (The original Milf), Grable, Ford, Crocker, (and Veronica: but I have to admit, I'm a Veronica in this one), Draper, Suarez, Rizzo, Ross, Davis, and Atomic Betty.  So many great role models to choose from, one can not help but want to explore their inner Betty.

That's all,

Twills

XOXO