Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Have you seen my snark? I've lost her. I have nothing to rant about this week, I had nothing to rant about last week, and I will most likely not have anything to rant about next week, either. The thing is, Minions, I'm not cranky. I've been in a good mood for so long now that I can't even seem to remember what it was like to be a cranky bitch.
The sun is shining, the weather is perfect, and I'd much rather be lounging around in the sun with a book and a cocktail than I would sitting here in front of my pc. So you'll have to forgive your Betties for their lack of attention. I'm sure when fall starts in and Canada begins to settle in to wait for the depressing onslaught of winter, that we will then be more diligent about writing and also reading your blogs.
Fridays will most likely remain the same. However, this other "thing" that we do here at One For the Road, (and let's call a spade a spade people, we write a few sentences and intersperse it with cuss words and overt sexuality), will likely wane until such a time as we feel inspired to put that type of pure filth forth again.
So you must bear with us while we're out living real lives. Though by the lack of comments of late, I can tell that you're all out there living real lives as well. Please go out, have fun, get into trouble, and then email us your problems at email@example.com so that we can try to boss you around.
XOXO-here, have a song. An incredibly misogynistic song, but catchy none the less.
Monday, June 14, 2010
I have a noise in my head. It's incessant, it's pervasive... I want it to stop! Voila, voulez-vous vuvuzela avec moi, ce soir?
Is it just me, or is everything that man said in the clip extremely dirty? I can't seem to get enough horn action, either!
Tell me, minions, if you were there, what would you do, where would you put the vuvuzela so that you would never have to hear one again?
XOXO(get your horn action out of my face)
Monday, June 7, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
So for those who don't know, Friday is the day we take one of the questions sent into us at Laynie2@gmail.com, and we answer it based on our vast knowledge and empathetic hearts. So if you have a question, come on! send it in. What could it hurt?
So, our question this week is about a young girl who needs some guidance on how to proceed with her life. Here we go:
I am a 15 year old girl and I think there is something wrong with me. I can't talk to my parents or any of my friends because I am sure they would totally freak out on me and I'd be in a worse position than I am now.
So here is my problem: I think I'm a lesbian.
I am not attracted to boys, and while my friends are all settling into their high school romances, I am left on my own. To make things worse, I think I'm in love with my best friend.
Recently at a sleepover we all got into a conversation about kissing, and we played an all girl version of spin the bottle. Most girls just gave each other a peck on the lips, but when my best friend spun the bottle and it landed on me, she gave me a deep tongue kiss. I thought I was going to die I was so happy. My whole body tingled, and I hoped like crazy that we would get to do that again. It didn't happen, but some of the girls started joking and calling us Lesbos and Dykes. My best friend just laughed it off, but I felt sick to my very soul. Now all I can do is think about kissing her. My grades are suffering and my parents keep asking me if it's a boy that's distracting me.
I feel so lonely and so left out. I want to tell my best friend how I feel about her, but I'm afraid she'll laugh or say she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I would die if that happened.
I don't know what to do.
Please help me, Betties, your advice is always so good, maybe you can help me.
Am I a Lesbian?
Dear baby Lesbo,
There are a couple of things that could be the answer to your problem. The first is that yes, you are a Lesbian. There is nothing to be ashamed of, or sorry for. I believe people are born with their sexuality pre-determined, and that may be what your sexuality is. Things have changed a lot since my high school days when being called a Lesbian could get you beat up. Now, Gay young Men and Women are taking their same sex partners to prom. There are lots of support groups for gays and Lesbians. You didn't say if you live in a big or a small town, but there are many resources to help you through this trying time that would probably help you figure out how to tell your parents.
The most important thing is that you understand you are not a freak, or any of those names cruel teenagers come up with.
Start by Googling support groups for Gays and Lesbians and Transgendered people and groups in your area, and perhaps look into getting an inexpensive therapist that you may be able to get your parents to support to help.
I wish you the best of luck, and the fact that you know where your feelings are at this early an age may be helpful in helping you accept who and what you are.
Dear Am I?
There is nothing wrong with you. At all. I tend to think that young people are too young to have predetermined labels about who they are. There is nothing wrong with being a homo, as there is nothing wrong with being straight. Likewise, there is nothing wrong with just loving who you love without needing to name it. You don't have to be a lesbian to love another chick. You don't have to be straight to love a dude. It's more about the person behind the parts. Even I have been known to have a kiss or a crush or three on a girl, and The Twills likes the dick, no question about that.
I would confide in your best friend. If she can't accept that you have tingly lady-bits when you think about kissing her, then she is not the person that you thought she was. She is your bff for a reason, and I'm sure that she loves you no matter what you fantasize about doing to her, whether that is just on a friends-only basis or something more. Let us know how it goes.
XOXO (wanna make out?)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I'm lazy this week, minions. It's hot this morning, and I realise that there is nothing in this world that will turn your kids into raging assholes as much as babysitting another kid will do. Two kids, four kids, six kids.... They're fine. 3, 5, or 7 kids will fight tooth and nail. Why the heck is that?
My brain is not functioning properly this morning, though I am on cuteness overload from secretly listening to their conversations. However, I'm like a fucking referee from UFC trying to keep my own two kids off of each other lest they should tear their cousin in half in order to secure his attention.
The baby is not included in this. Apparently when you're under the age of five you don't count. He is happy even though he's being deliberately excluded. Then again, the big kids don't want to talk about boobs or re-enact scenes from Adventures in Babysitting. Big kids also seem to know that you probably shouldn't draw both dicks and boobs on snowmen. Oh, the glamourous life of a House Milf!
So I know what sucks this Wednesday. Children SUCK the LIFE out of you! Tell me something funny in the comments. Make my day better!